I brought up the fact that this was the second time she has gone outside our marriage during our discussion. She replied that there were feelings, but it wasn't a physical thing. I told her it was an EA, still an affair!
I also told her that if I do find out that she is still seeing OM, she will need to leave.
At this point, because most courts favor the mother, if she wanted the house, she would probably get it. Then I'm screwed.
So, I'm confused at how being strong and telling her what I want and how it's going to go down is going to do anything more than piss her off and completely change her stance of not pursuing my 401(k), IRA and property. At 46 years old and the economy we're in and how the future looks for this country, I'll never be able to make that up.
If she leaves, she leaves. But I want to stay in my house and have shared custody of our kids. After all, she WANTS to leave, not me. So she should go and start her new life. Not take mine.
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
"So, I'm confused at how being strong and telling her what I want and how it's going to go down is going to do anything more than piss her off and completely change her stance of not pursuing my 401(k), IRA and property. At 46 years old and the economy we're in and how the future looks for this country, I'll never be able to make that up.
If she leaves, she leaves. But I want to stay in my house and have shared custody of our kids. After all, she WANTS to leave, not me. So she should go and start her new life. Not take mine."
DD,
I too did reason with my W in the beginning of my sitch that didn't work the books and vets here reconnected me to my old self and took a stronger stance on my sitch.
Don't be afraid of pissing her off, especially if you are standing for your values and your M. From now on it's all business like, from now on your focus is YOU and the kids. I like that you lay down that boundary and protect it. No more her flaunting this A in your face. You have to gain back your respect, you lost it by wooing her knowing her A's.
You do a 180 and take a strong stance. Get that confidence back...no more reasoning. If she wants so bad to go let her go and open her cage...convey to her that you will be ok without her and you can take care of the kids.
These guys are giving you solid advise. Ask more questions through your L. Your house and 401 k will be divided 50/50 because it was acquired during M, "community property", at least this is what I learned from my consultation.
Got to get going here DD. keep posting.
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
So, I'm confused at how being strong and telling her what I want and how it's going to go down is going to do anything more than piss her off and completely change her stance of not pursuing my 401(k), IRA and property.
What is your option, if not being strong? Do you not realize that being a weakling and mealymouthed will only make her actions worse? If you think it's bad now....just become a scared little man and see what she does. I understand your concern about financial security, but don't trade it off for a miserable life. You can't live in fear of pissing her off. And...you don't want her to know you are afraid of making her mad and what she may do.
Get the legal facts regarding D fathers in your state and what you can do to protect yourself financially.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'll offer you one alternate perspective. Let's consider that her affair really is over. If her affair really IS over, and worse yet if it was ended by OM and not W, then this is how W is feeling right now:
-- Sad -- Angry -- Abandoned -- Betrayed -- Semi-hopeless
She will go through the stages of grief that a very pleasurable and emotionally intense period of her life has been replaced with marital strife.
That pain and anger needs an outlet, and there you are.
Therefore, you MAY be experiencing "end of affair" backlash. If that's the case, then your best course of action may be to do nothing for about 90 days. After she has gone through the post-affair grief process, she will think differently about her situation than she does now.
If this is truly what's happening, then you want to continue to exhibit your 180's, but to Starsky's point, no "Mr. Nice Guy". You want to appear to have accepted what she's said, and lean into her plans.
The ideal situation is that her affair grief diminishes concurrently with the gravity and finality of the decisions she's making growing in importance.
You want to step back and let her be, plan in the background and without her knowledge to protect yourself by meeting with a lawyer, and do not set yourself up as her adversary *yet* until you see how this is going to unfold. If she wants to work toward separation and divorce? Fine, she can drive the process and you will work with her on it.
If she sees you continuing to try to keep the marriage together, then she has more time to fence-sit and there is no pressure with regard to the choices she is making. Lean into it.
All this assumes her affair is truly over. If you can figure out if it is over or not, and if it is, how it ended, that would be to your advantage. I would not ask her, as you can't trust her, but try to find out how and when.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
this is something I didn't consider, yet a possibility.
Prior to W dropping the bomb on Friday night, she has been aloof, silent, avoided me, responded to my inquiries very briefly and matter of factly, always found busy tasks to keep her from having to be around me.
Since Friday, she has been chatty, sharig her thoughts, tells me stories about her day, asks me questions and her demeanor seems much friendlier and upbeat.
I don't know what to make of it. She claims to be the one who ended the A because she realized how "wrong it was" and she needs to make things right with "her God".
I don't know if the guilt and stress were overwhelming her or if she feels better because she got her plans for divorce off her chest. But she's definitely in much better spirits.
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
Since Friday, she has been chatty, sharig her thoughts, tells me stories about her day, asks me questions and her demeanor seems much friendlier and upbeat.
Then I'm about 95% certain she's still in contact with OM. These are not consistent with signs of hard withdrawal following an affair breakup.
More likely she is in a "period of best behavior," or what I -- in my sitch -- called my wife's "St. Sally" behavior" (first name was changed, to protect the innocent, lol).
DD, Your wife is feeling a huge sense of relief now that the bomb has dropped- that's probably why she's upbeat.
Within the last few days, I found out that some friends are getting a D. When the wife told the husband that she was done with him and his promises to change, he made all the typical mistakes that you read about on here. I heard about it from his WAWs perspective. She was so disgusted with his crying and guilting, she said she thought to herself "dude, man up and grow a pair, you look pathetic". I cringed when I heard that. However, I have to believe that's how many WAWs perceive their spouses during and after BD.
I read so many stories on here where the soon to be ex-husbands turn themselves into simpy, wimpy "yes" men thinking that that's what will bring their wives back. WRONG! It's not attractive to them! Just because you are meeting your wife's most important emotional needs doesn't mean that you need to become a wimp! You can be kind, attentive and caring while also being manly and attractive! Why do some men on here find that the two are mutually exclusive?
DD, it will be hard for you to be firm with your wife now because she knows that you knew of her affair and didn't come out and call her on it. As hard as it will be, however, you have to regain your footing and strength. You can still meet her needs and keep your changes, but you must regain your attractive, in control, masculine side. Empower yourself with knowledge. Visit with your attorney. Investigate and find out what your wife has been, and is, up to. Your wife MUST know that you are a take charge guy (not a jerk- a take charge guy), and that her bad actions will result in consequences from you. I'm NOT suggesting you say anything to her, and certainly don't tell her that you will dish out consequences! I'm saying that that is the perception of you that you want her to have. You want to keep your marriage, and make it better than before- agreeing to always put each other first from now on. But if not, you will do what you need to do.
