Do I tell her how I feel 1 year on?

[Wendylon]

LJC, I'm afraid your email goes against all DB advice. I really don't see what you will gain from sending it.

As hotwheelsaust points out it certainly isn't going to help your cause. Don't send it unless someone comes up with a really good reason why you should. Maybe writing it and posting it here is enough to get it off your chest. I doubt she is interested in how you feel at this point.

Hang in there and good luck!

[LJC]

Thanks Wendylon

I doubt I'll send it, not in its current form anyway! I think my prob is remembering 12 months ago and what I could have done to prevent where I am now

I know my W is having real issues of her own regarding her D, my SD (who I really don't see anymore). While talking to W on the phone today she was telling me how she has caught SD stealing from her and from others as well. It sounds like she's way to occupied to be thinking about M!

Thanks again

[AnotherStander]

"I'm gonna come out and say it as all to often I beat around the bush - I'm still very much in love with you. I know this is something I have to own and live with but I hope you understand I had to tell you that. The truth is I've always loved you, I've tried so hard to move on, I thought if I could meet someone else it would take the pressure off our relationship, people would stop asking them damn awkward questions but in truth I never wanted to go and meet other women, all I was doing was trying to replace you but deep down I didn't want to replace you - I wanted you.

The reason I'm telling you how I feel is because I don't want to live to regret not telling you. You know the question we all ask 'What if'. What if I didn't tell you how I feel? I guess I'd have to learn how to deal with how I feel but along time has gone past without you and I still feel like I do.

I'm sorry I've brought this up, I've tried to think how it would effect how we are with one another after writing it but only the future can tell us that! I really hope you understand why I had to tell you - these feelings for you have literally consumed my life over the past weeks and months where it has been driving me crazy."

The above is 100% about what you feel and what you want. She doesn't care what you feel or want. You have to show her that YOU care about what SHE feels and wants.

[LuckyLuke]

AS - wow - yes.

Luke

[LJC]

AS - this might sound a little lame but how do I do that? From what I've read on other threads, for instance HotWheelsAust the poor bloke is going thru N/C! I hear from my W weekly via text (sometimes she phones), if I don't hear from her I see her as she lives 2mins down the road and if it's none of them my Brother is M to my W sister!,

I'm no good at this DB stuff but if it wasn't for this Forum I'd be doing stuff my heart was telling me to do e.g. The email above. All I want the email to do is tell her I still love her, the stuff around that fact in the email is merely 'padding(?)'

So my question is how do I show her what she feels and wants?

Thanks for the comment, it's much appreciated

[Mimi00]

Your email came off as needy, you always want to show your WAS strength....you want them to respect you and that respect doesn't come from seeming like a person who is desperate to have them back.

How to show your wife you care about what she feels and wants.....

Well, I assume the last time she told you want she felt and wanted from you was around the time she moved out....so I also assume what she wanted was to be apart and felt like she couldn't continue on in the marriage as it was?

Unless she had said something else since then that would make you think she wants something different now than she wanted then....the only way to show her what she wants/feels is to continue to DB.

As most have said, I think you shouldn't write or say anything right now.
You two seem to have really positive interaction b/n you right now....that's great.

Continue to be the best dad and be there for your W as a friend. Continue to build that friendship with no R talk....and I think you will continue to have a more positive result that way instead of right now telling her how you feel and possibly pushing her away.

[AnotherStander]

AS - this might sound a little lame but how do I do that?

I hinted at it earlier- just ask her how she feels about the M, if she's still in the same place. Ask her if she feels sure of things or if she is confused and needs more time. Try to get her to talk about how she feels. No matter what her response is, show her validation. For instance, if she says she feels angry that you haven't moved on, don't defend yourself. Just tell her "yes I can tell you're angry, I'm sorry you feel that way." You just acknowledge her feelings, that's "validation".

All I want the email to do is tell her I still love her

I guarantee you she knows that, but if you feel you must remind her then just keep it short and sweet- "I just want you to know that I still love you" or "I still have strong feelings for you" or something like that. Again like Sandi's tips say, "no ILY" but if you're going to do it anyway then keep it brief.

So my question is how do I show her what she feels and wants?

You don't show her, you try to get her to tell you how she feels. We men are "fixers" (some women too), we want women to tell us what's wrong and then we can tell them how to "fix" it. That's not what they want though! They want to be heard, really listened to, and validation is a way to show that you're listening intently.

Before you were married, did you ever have a girlfriend that you broke up with that went into "clingy" mode? The more you pushed her away, the more she pursued? I did, and let me tell you, the harder she tried the more I wanted her out of my life. The more mushy and romantic she got the more turned off I was. THAT is how the WAS views a clingy LBS. They don't like it when the LBS pursues them, in fact they may find it repulsive, weak and pathetic. I had another GF that I broke up with, and when I did she said "OK, maybe it's for the best" and that was it, she never tried to contact me again. That left me wondering why she was so quick to walk away, and after a couple of weeks I actually started pursuing her again!! So while your heart tells you to pursue, it will actually have the opposite effect of what you want.

[LJC]

Mimi. That's a great help thank you.

I've had reasons why she BD in dribs and drabs the one that hit me was she felt lonely this would tie up with a poss EA that I suspect she was having before BD although she totally denies the EA (she doesn't even think EA's exists!)

Even now she mentions she's lonely at home and even more so when the kids are in bed. She has said a couple of times I'm more than welcome to go round and visit the kids (not reading into things but poss indirectly she's reaching out for company??) as yet I haven't taken her up on her offer as I know if I went round I'd want to cling on to her like grim death!

I think my problem is I see/hear things from my W in a Negative way (so I don't get hurt maybe?) but when I think about it and add up all the little gestures/offers (not many mind) from W maybe I've been missing a trick??

Thanks again tho

[LJC]

AS - thanks also

I have screen shot your reply along with a few others! I have to ask tho, is it right that I should bring up the M word? It's my understanding that I shouldn't unless the W brought the subject up first?

I'd like to say I feel bad that 'I disappeared for 6 months'. I thought I knew it all and didn't need these boards anymore but he'll I was wrong! I'm just grateful there are some 'familiar faces' here as well as some new ones.

Thanks guys/girls

[AnotherStander]

I have screen shot your reply along with a few others! I have to ask tho, is it right that I should bring up the M word?

You're not supposed to initiate R, M or D convos. I only offered that because you said that despite the advice, you were going to have that convo with her anyway. I would recommend just not having the convo at all, because like I said earlier I don't think you're going to like her responses. But maybe you need to hear it to help you detach.