I'm back for a while

[KenF]

ClingingToHope,
my x recently had a baby with her new H who was also the OM. and the whole situation threw me for a loop. lots of crap going through my head, very much similar to your own.

i think thats natural, just deal with it and dont dwell.

one excellent piece of advice that i was given is that this new child is my daughters sister.

and regardless of what i feel about it, my daughter is excited, and loves her, and is her big sister. To my daughter its the same as if it was her full sister, instead of her half sister (as i, in my shallowness, see it).

so its my job as her father to be excited for her, and not show her my own shortcomings and weaknesses and spitefulness. because if i do, then i will only hurt her feelings and alienate her and drive her away from me.

and its not easy, but it is necessary. forget your feelings for your xW or the new baby's father, focus only about your daughter and her relationship to the baby.

[Underdog]

Ken raises a really good point. One of my friends in real life is a former poster here. Her XH married the OW a few days after their D was finalized, and she was already preggers.

Her son (who is now 20) came home from a weekend with his dad very conflicted, and finally spilled the beans to his mom. He told her he felt guilty wanting to know and love his new sibling. She was full of grace when she told him that she WANTED him and his sister to love their sibling with all their heart. They did so with her permission.

The story unfortunately has taken a bizarre, if not sad, twist. Their little brother is now almost 8. Two years ago, he came over to her house with her kids, and is already a wise soul. He asked my friend if it was okay if he was there. She loves kids and embraced this little boy and let him know that it was enough that all 3 of them loved each other and that he was welcome. He asked her last year if she would adopt him. Turns out his dad is still an a*hole and his mom is a self absorbed biatch. And this kid sits right in the middle of it.

You never know when you might be the one adult role model for another kid - a kid whom your D will love. By default, if your D loves her sibling, you're probably going to support her. In the end, it's not the kid's fault.

Good advice from Ken.

[ClingingToHope]

Ken, Underdog, I've actually thought about that a lot.

I love all kids. I'm a big kid at heart and I'm pretty sure when this kid comes I will be nice enough to him/her.

Now, rushing to meet him/her when it arrives -- I'm sure D11 will want me to met her now brother/sister, well that will be weird, especially since I've spent zero time in the immediate vicinity of Harley guy.

I actually feel sorry for the soon to be baby. XW was never that energetic of a mother with her first two daughters. I was the one who rolled around on the floor and made silly faces and all that.

That's just continued over the years and now each of them have a lot more of my personality than they do hers. In a way, they'll probably get that kind of treatment from D14 and D11. So I guess a little of me will be passed on.

I guess I dread the inevitable conversation where D14 or D11 wants to change plans with me to spend time with their brother or sister.

In the immediate future, there's going to be an IEP meeting for D11 and it's usually six women, one male teacher and myself. I'm hoping XW isn't showing so I don't have to sit there and listen to pregnancy talk.

I was going to journal, but there's not really much going on right now. Today, some texts with XW on scheduling stuff with D14 and D11 tomorrow. See them a little tomorrow. Have them Thursday then D14 on Friday.

Still not excited to be at work. Then again, this morning was a plasma morning and I was up at 5:30 a.m. so I'm tired.

[KenF]

ClingingToHope,
it was/is very weird for me. i went through a teachers conference, a school award night, a dance recital and a few other situations where everyone was doing the pregnancy swoon around the x. and in my head i just kept hoping no one would make the mistake of congratulating me.

if its any consolation, you can be sure the kid wont be as cute a baby as your own. my x's new baby looks like a mini Stan Laurel.

[Underdog]

LOL, Stan Laurel? That's hilarious! Sorry...

CTH, like you, I have a special needs kid who gets an IEP every year. When my XH is in town, he accompanies me. And like you, this is primarily a female group (we've only once had a male present since she was 3). I often feel bad for my XH, and make sure that I include him in every discussion we have. I know that I have a mama bear complex, and it's been my role since day 1 to protect my kid. I know he doesn't feel any differently, it's just that I take the stage automatically.

I'm not going to apologize for that, though...

Knowing the educators involved with my D16, and I can't speak for you, but can you fire off an e-mail to the main person (special ed is called ILC here) and enlist her help in keeping on track? Let her know that it's uncomfortable to begin with, and this is just tough for you right now? Then get her to keep the other teachers present to stay focused. Crap, our IEP could easily last 2 hours, but we only get an hour to do it. I should think they welcome getting things moving along for the very limited time you get to discuss education goals.

My guess is that you'd garner support without having to take one to your gut, particularly since your IEP is about your daughter and not the mom.

Good luck!

Betsey

[ClingingToHope]

D11 is in a rough patch right now. She had a meltdown at school on Friday, then was sick over the weekend, served her suspension on Tursday and today had another meltdown this time with me.

Basically, she's behind at school because of being sick and the suspension so she had homework. She announced in the car she would fail art because there was no way she could get the art homework done by Friday.

Well, I said we had time to work on it right now and she couldn't play on any electronics until the homework was done.

She is seriously addicted to her DS, my Kindle, Minecraft, etc.

And she just went off for a while.

It took about an hour to calm her down.

She's struggling at school with a kid in her class who, she says, calls her ugly and stupid. She's complained and they are keeping an eye on it.

She's always been A) the youngest and most immature in her class and for a lot of years B) the bad kid, the one who gets into trouble.

So she really struggles with her self esteem and loves to get lost in video games, reading and writing.

After she finally calmed down we went for a bike ride to get some fresh air and talk before starting her homework.

Then we went back and finished her art homework -- I gave her five minutes on my Kindle before starting reading. Then XW showed up to get her.

I explained to her after she'd calmed down that when I was younger I would cry and scream and throw fits so I could play baseball or basketball or some kind of game before doing homework.

I usually got my way.

It only taught me that if I cause enough trouble I will get to do what I want instead of what is required of me ... and that has hurt me to this day.

We also talked about self esteem. She says the classmate makes her feel like she'll never have a boyfriend. No one will ever like her.

I told her the saying sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me is garbage. Bones heal. Names can cause permanent scars.

I told her part of the reason I've struggled so much with the divorce -- they notice -- is that I was an 11-year-old once who got picked on because my hair was messy and I didn't have cool clothes.

When I got married to a cheerleader type I felt like I'd shown all those classmates, see, you were wrong about me. Then, when it ended, I felt like I was that 11-year-old again.

So we talked about getting better together.

Anyway, XW came and got her and took off. And my head spun for a while on various weird scenarios likely to pop up in the next couple of years.

There are days I just wish I could zoom the calendar ahead to D11's college years when I can just, if I feel like it, put miles and miles between XW and I.

I'm at work now. My schedule is wacky right now. I end up working late a lot Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday so I can work shorter on Thursdays when I have the girls and Fridays when I either have the girls or have to go work a football game.

It's taking a while to get used to it.

[ClingingToHope]

Oh the emotional roller coaster. Thursday is my night with the girls, which I cherish but is also a challenge because the other household comes up.

D11 and D14 were talking about the weekend. XW asked for it so she can take them to a campground Harley guy goes to for a Halloween thing. The girls are taking friends so it's not just them and the other family.

Smart -- and I'm jealous as h*ll. And my my mind spun and at times I found peace by saying to myself, just let it go. The goal is to live my best life and let the chips fall where they may.

D14 had theater practice from 7 to 9 p.m. She's Lady MacBeth in the freshman-sophomore play.

When I picked her up you could tell she was upset. She was mad at the director. She's not getting the part right. She's mad at her friends. There's all this drama and she snaps at them and then doesn't understand why they DON'T UNDERSTAND her.

I listened. When we got home she snapped at D11 twice and without justification. At that point I told her she was wrong and D11 had done nothing wrong.

So she yells at me to get out and I leave to let her stew. Instead, I hear her venting on her phone and it can only be to XW.

XW then sends me a text instructing me how to handle her.

I have less than zero respect for XW and her parenting skills right now. It's a good thing she didn't call.

Instead, I texted back that I will handle D14 in my own way.

After a while, I went back in and we started talking.

It was up and down, at one point she said if she doesn't get out of this town and become an Oscar winning actress then she might as well kill herself.

Oh the drama. I asked her if my life was worthless. When I was her age I just KNEW, just KNEW I'd be a major league baseball player. After all, I was the best player in my city.

I didn't come close. And I still haven't gotten out of this town. But I asked her if that meant I was nothing, that I had no value, that I wasn't contributing?

I want her to have big dreams, big ambitions, but I don't want her to continue to chase happiness. If she's not happy with herself then she'll never be happy with anything.

After a while, we got down to the fear behind the anger. The boy who took her to homecoming has stopped texting her and isn't hanging out with her in the hall. It looks like this relationship has run its course and she's feeling again like no one will ever think of her as "the total package."

It all comes back to wanting to feel loved.

I told her that's a feeling that never goes away and the end of relationships almost always hurt.

[ClingingToHope]

Funny thing about Boy Friend 1 for D14, I actually got a call from my first girl friend last night. She's a business consultant in town and occasionally calls me to get her clients in the newspaper.

I'm actually going to do a series of stories on businesses in an entrepreneurship program that she works with.

Like many, I still carry a small torch for GF1, always have. She got divorced about the same time I did and I always hoped, you know, if circumstances were right. But she's never shown any interest and last night she was at a bar watching the Bears game when she called and it was difficult to hear so I cut it short.

It's weird how some relationships affect/scar you for life.

[ClingingToHope]

Last thing -- yesterday was a full day. I met with the director of a community center and got another side gig as a grant writer. I took a class at the local college last fall and found the skills you use in reporting -- writing, gathering, interpreting data -- is perfect for grant writing.

The next step though is actually getting experience. Most grant writers learn through working for nonprofits. I don't work for a nonprofit.

I've known this CC director for years and we struck a deal where he pays me a bare minimum -- $10 an hour -- to develop grant proposals. If any get funded then I'll get paid my newspaper rate.

It's low risk for them. I may make $500 to $1,000 over the next 12 months.

If any of the grants get funded then they come out way ahead.

I get at least something for my efforts -- I can't just write on spec -- and if some get funded then I can approach other nonprofits.

Good grantwriters around here command $100 an hour. At the very least, I hope it becomes the side job to replace all the other side jobs.

Lots going on yesterday.

[adinva]

You seem to spend so much time facing backward, the scars "for life" of relationships, the taunts of middle schoolers, the need to have a cheerleader to feel ok. Perhaps your choice of stories here is skewed but it gives an impression of someone who never grew up. Learn your lessons crom the past and look forward. Dont yearn for another high school girlfriend, when there are billions of women you havent met yet. Learn to feel inherent self esteem that comes with you whether you're with a publicly acclaimed beauty or just a regular good woman, or no one at the moment. It's good that your experiences enable you to relate with your daughters teenage angst, but i think your role should be to teach her to put it in perspective and love herself no matter what. But if you're unable to do that for yourself yet, you need to start there.

Teach yourself and your daughter to value the things that go below the surface. If you do, it's hard to see because you talk a lot about people congratulating you for snagging a cheerleader, about weight, about the surface things people on the outside seem to think are good.

Look forward to doing better, to not excusing your self esteem by words some 12 year old said decades ago, to not gauging your success in life by standards set by hormonal 17 year olds. Become more grown up! You have a lot more of value, i can see that from your postings, than whether or not the cheerleader wants to be with you.