I used the "feral cat" metaphor, because I have done that successfully in the past.
And W does the "come closer, then back away" cycle a lot. She working on her issues though, seeing an IC now and on a new AD (3rd week for both, too soon to make any determination of change)...so I try to just watch out of the corner of my eye, so to say...have to remind myself to not get antsy, because she WILL pick up on that.
I do get the feeling they will bolt feeling...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I guess we just have to remain calm and collected with all of this going on. I think the IC will be good, and is needed. I am a bit worried that it will counter working on the R? Should I be worried about that? Are you doing MC right now as well?
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
I'm a little bit confused right now . If we are heading for reconciliation should we each be doing IC or should we be starting MC together right away? I think H is not quite ready for MC right now. I think he wants to start with IC. I think IC would benefit him but I worry that it will make him change his mind about R. Am I overthinking things? Also, would we start off by dating a bit? Do I let him take the lead for affection like kisses and hugs? Is it a bad idea if he wants to move back in right away? Ahhhhh!!! So many questions. I am just so confused about what to do.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
My opinion is to just do IC right now, get some time under your belt so he is comfortable around you, and himself, before MC.
As far as affection...maybe if your initiations are just more casual touching, like on a shoulder, or hand at first, but anything more maybe let him lead for a while. We guys can be extremely sensitive to rejection though, which would make us initiating a bit more difficult. I think if you paved the way with those small casual touches, that would alleviate that fear. Assuming you yourself are at a comfortable stage, naturally...
This is tough, you just have to feel your way along I guess.
Hang in there!!
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
T, thanks. I do think IC will be good, and I am so happy that he is wanting to do it. I feel we are moving in a better direction now, and I am feeling a bit better. I do have a bit of an overwhelming feeling right now though, that I need all of the answers, like right now! Ok..breathe!!
You are right that I need to just feel my way along through it and do what feels right. For sure I know not to rush things and just slowly ease back into things. It feels strange though, since I have been working at detaching and now I have to detach a bit less. It's like I have let go of some of the emotions and feelings that I had and now I have to try to get it back.
Thanks again for your support! -cp
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
I think the detaching doesn't mean you can't have those feelings, but rather that you aren't dependent on them being reciprocated. That as H fluctuates (and he WILL), that you are not upset (too much)...that your day, demeanor, is minimally affected.
In case you haven't read it, here is my favorite and most clear (to me) meaning of this detachment business:
Quote:
Question: What is the meaning of detachment?
Answer: The Buddhist meaning of detachment is slightly different from what the word normally means in English. Detachment in Buddhism is connected with renunciation. The word renunciation in English is also misleading, for it implies that we have to give up everything and go live in a cave. Although there are examples of people like Milarepa who did give up everything and live in a cave, what they did is referred to by a different word, not the word that is translated as “renunciation” or “detachment”. The word that has been translated as “renunciation” actually means “the determination to be free”. We have a strong determination: “I must get out of my own problems and difficulties. My mind is totally firm on that goal.” We want to give up our ego games because we are determined to be free from all the problems they cause. This does not mean that we have to give up a comfortable house or the things that we enjoy. Rather, we are trying to stop the problems that we have in relation to these objects. That leads us to detachment.
Being detached does not mean that we cannot enjoy anything or enjoy being with anyone. Rather, it refers to the fact that clinging very strongly to anything or anyone causes us problems. We become dependent on that object or person and think, “If I lose it or cannot always have it, I am going to be miserable.” Detachment means, “If I get the food I like, very nice. If I do not get it, okay. It is not the end of the world.” There is no attachment or clinging to it.
For me, those deep feelings of care and love for W are there still, cached away safely until it is safe for them to be expressed. I have been allowing myself, in very small, incremental doses, to open up to being vulnerable. small, safe, doses, lol. If I feel my equanimity being rippled, I dial back a wee bit until I have my expectations back in check. And I have noticed that expectations are still the pain bringer. And it is hard at this "acceptance"/"reconnection" phase because they are not stable enough, comfortable enough in themselves, much less the R, to even begin to approach consistency. So it is our job to manage ourselves, our expectations and be the leader in consistency...while they lead the reconnection dance. Imo.
Hang in there! I am watching as maybe W and I are somewhere around this neck of the woods in the process, but it can be tricky to tell since she never physically left the home, no clear cut "sign" like wanting to move back in, or date, etc.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
For me, those deep feelings of care and love for W are there still, cached away safely until it is safe for them to be expressed. I have been allowing myself, in very small, incremental doses, to open up to being vulnerable. small, safe, doses, lol.
This is where I am at right now as well. I have dialed back on expressing love and affection to him. I feel like, in a way, this has made me not as emotionally connected to him as I used to be, however it would not be hard for me to get those feelings back. I will just take it one day at a time!
Originally Posted By: TSquared2
If I feel my equanimity being rippled, I dial back a wee bit until I have my expectations back in check. And I have noticed that expectations are still the pain bringer. And it is hard at this "acceptance"/"reconnection" phase because they are not stable enough, comfortable enough in themselves, much less the R, to even begin to approach consistency. So it is our job to manage ourselves, our expectations and be the leader in consistency...while they lead the reconnection dance.
I agree that those pesky expectations are the pain bringer For now I am just happy knowing we are headed forward, for me that is a bit of a relief. I like the idea from Divorce Remedy to set small, attainable goals, and notice any little positive changes, looking for those small victories. I think breaking it down into smaller chunks is good for keeping the expectations in check.
I definitely agree that WE have to be the ones to show consistency, as they tend to be all over the map! I often feel that I am trying to keep calm in the eye of the storm... for me the past 7 months has been CRAZY! Sometimes it's so hard to remain strong, focused, and consistent when it does feel like we are in the middle of a huge storm. At least things seem to be leveling out a bit around here. We can do this!!
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Sometimes it's so hard to remain strong, focused, and consistent when it does feel like we are in the middle of a huge storm. At least things seem to be leveling out a bit around here. We can do this!!
I hear you...working on 48 or so months here all included (but no free continental breakfasts)...and yes, leveling out is good, and yet harder in it's own way. Sometimes I think W's anger stage was easy, because I just assumed home would be sh!t and she hated me...this hot/cold/lukewarm/dabble in connecting/dabble back in replay is much more crazy for me, I think...not sure...I'll get back to you tomorrow on that one...lol.
Hang in there!
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Haha, ok! I haven't yet had to deal with the dabbling back into re-play mode.. of course, he is still living away from home and I have no idea what kind of things he is up to I guess I will find out if he moves back!
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Some personal short-term goals/actions on here that I hope to keep up:
-more eye contact, flirting, teasing, slowly become more affectionate -VALIDATE, VALIDATE, VALIDATE. stop being so defensive in an attempt to 'win' an argument, truly hear what he has to say, his legitimate complaints -stand up for myself and my needs/wants in order for my needs to be fulfilled more often, so that my ideas are not being shut down -express my desire to be able to do things that make me feel happy, and more fulfilled, not letting his negativity drag me down -exerting my independence -no nagging or complaining -being more independent, calling on him for help less often -talking in a nicer tone of voice -keeping things light around the house -not interfering with how he is handling the kids
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Sometimes it's so hard to remain strong, focused, and consistent when it does feel like we are in the middle of a huge storm. At least things seem to be leveling out a bit around here. We can do this!!