Thank you my forum friends!

[chasingpavements]

Ok, Fly, how have you managed to make me smile, while at the same time hitting me with a 2x4?

Are you really in a place that you think divorce is better than limbo land?

Yes, I'm almost there!!!!

I understand what you are saying and you have given me some new things to consider. Thing is how do I move on while leaving a space in my heart for him still? When he told me he was done for sure and wanted to separate I was ok with that, cause I felt I could close that door, and move on. It was such relief. Now he's reconsidering.

Should I just keep busy and do my own thing, and act as though we are separated?

Here are some of the things that are holding me back still,

-going back to work in early November and worried that if I hold off on things with H that we will be dealing with this kind of thing right before I head back, and I will not be ready to go back
-worried about splitting finances, and if he wants to rent a house then I would like to get a separation agreement so we do not go into debt to pay for 2 houses
-worried that if I start on the work with my lawyer that I will be shutting the door for any reconciliation...

Ahhh...

[chasingpavements]

I like your idea of starting back up on the painting/crafting. I was thinking about painting my girl's bedroom, that would keep me busy and happy And my girls would love it. I am also working on painting a rock for my dad, one of the rocks that my mom had picked at my uncle's cottage. Hmmm... I need an exciting new project

[FlyOnTheWall]

ok first thing you have to get into your mind, you ARE separated!! emotionally, there is no acting is if your together is there??? That's the dangerous part about holding the rope too tight.

2nd, "almost being there" is still NOT being there, its gonna happen one way or the other, why rush it, don't have regrets. When your done there will be no regrets, AND you'll know that you did EVERYTHING you could to stand for as long as you could.

What if I told you I had a machine that rushed you forward two years...........what would u hope to see when you got out? Being together? Or being divorced? It wont take that long, so decide now what you want, and stand until you can no longer stand. You will always have a space in your heart for him, cause the marriage wasn't always bad, we tend to remember the good things as much as they cant. So leaving the spot open will come all by itself, you'll forgive him eventually, and that in itself will help.

I want you to put the shoe on the other foot for a minute, you've said in the past you almost feel bad for him, right? Why has that changed now, cause your tired? cause you feel like your doing all the work? I get that. But what does it really change? Your husband has made some comments that are encouraging, is it not happening fast enough for you now? That's for you to answer, not for me. But its up to you to figure out why, and work on that.

Maybe your husband needs to see you go back to work, see that you are going to make it, see that you CAN get it done. BUT I really think those are questions you need to answer for yourself, not him. Dont doubt yourself, look at what you've been doing the last few months, work? piece of cake compared to it.

I agree that you need to protect yourself, that doesn't mean he has to know about it. Covering yourself doesn't mean you have to file a darn thing, just being prepared, its just being informed. I'm not sure how you feel like that's closing any doors. Sounds like something you can work on? That damn detachment thing again.
God, im really starting to hate the word.

In the end the only thing holding you back, is you. If you feel discouraged, feel like giving up, feel overwhelmed, then that starts affecting everything you do, and you incorporate it into all your actions. You must stay positive!

Your up in Toronto area eh? Trust me, you don't want to go see the maple leafs right now, now that's torture.

[chasingpavements]

Haha, I knew you would say something about the Leafs They are actually on a roll right now! They are currently undefeated! hehe.

Thanks for your support and advice, I felt like I really needed it, especially today! I talked to him on the phone today and I told him that we don't have to have the talk today if he didn't want to. He then said that he thought it was my idea to talk right away so why am I changing my mind? Then I told him that obviously I can't rush him into talking about something if he doesn't have any answers yet. He told me that we could still talk about a couple of things tonight.

Ugh. I am starting to hate R talks!! All of our talks have ended with him saying that he wants to separate, and he has told me this 4 or 5 times already! My heart is not ready to hear it again! This is why I am so angry!

You are right, that I just need to slow things down again. I suppose it isn't really like being in limbo, this time, just like being separated with the possibility of R. I always hoped if I was separated that it would be for good, so that I could move on and not look back.

Hmmm... time machine? First I would like to time travel back to the 70s.. that seems like fun times and good music! Then I if I were to go to 2015... I am most interested in my own happiness. Of course I would like for things to work with him but I could see myself happy either way. Not sure what I envision!

You are right that in the past I have felt bad for him because I knew that he was going through a crisis. This has not changed, I still feel for him. But when he told me for certain that he was ready to separate, I just let him go. Because I cannot change his mind. Now he has made encouraging comments, that have COMPLETELY caught me off guard.. I was not expecting it at all!

You are probably right about work being a piece of cake compared to what I am dealing with now. Work would be good for me, I could catch up with my old coworkers, and just keep busy.

I agree I need to protect myself. What do I do if he rents a house for $1000/mth? We can't afford it right now. The thought is stressing me out My step mother's opinion is that I keep on dealing with the lawyer, no matter what. My dealing with the lawyer seems to be really bothering H, that is I why I feel like it would lessen the chances of our R. Unless he is just saying that because he doesn't want to deal with lawyers.

[Not Quitting]

Haha, I knew you would say something about the Leafs They are actually on a roll right now! They are currently undefeated! hehe.

Hoorah and let’s hope they can keep up the momentum! Although my son won’t be happy if they do.

[chasingpavements]

I agree.. go Leafs! This is the year for the cup!

So, I just finished talking with H. I tried to downplay the talking but he seemed adamant to have a talk. It felt strange to me in a way, he seemed calm and happy and kept looking into my eyes. We had a calm conversation about a lot of different things. I let him take the lead with the conversation. His big issue is that he feels I don't trust him and that is what he is wondering most about. We talked about that for a bit.

He asked me if I thought we were fixable. I told him yes. He told me he is not quite ready to come home yet, but he would like a few days to think about some things and then we could talk again. He said he is going to make an appointment for IC. I told him I was going to continue with my IC. He is not sure if he would like MC, not right away anyhow. I told him I agreed. He said he is scared about this process of moving forward and asked how I thought we would do this. I told him I would do some thinking about it and talk to my counselor. I also stated that counseling would have to be part of it, the first step would be our IC. I said I would like to have a great marriage, and start over fresh. I told him we would have to come up with a roadmap, a plan for healing and how to move forward. I said I would ask my counselor about it and do some reading.

I think I did ok? But I am kind of nervous now, like fate is in my own hands.

[TSquared2]

Hi CP,

Interesting about the trust being his biggest fear, it is the same for my W most likely from what she has said. And of course, they don't want to live the rest of their days being reminded of all they have done....and who would?

I think you did well, low pressure is GOOD it seems, right now. Especially for guys methinks...casual works well...The eye contact and calmness I think are good, a sign of some clarity.

Your mindset is EVERYTHING.

True, so true, that up there ^^^^. And it is a task to maintain it.

Keep going!

[chasingpavements]

Thanks for the inspiration TSquared!! I am doing pretty good today, happy that I had that talk with him yesterday and hopefully we can (slowly) start to move forward. Now I have to do a whole bunch of reading up on what to do next! It seems like he is worried and scared about this next step for us and he is looking to me for answers on how to move forward. Guess I had better get reading!

-cp

[TSquared2]

Maybe you are in the place that Wonka has said to others...time to be the mentor to your mlc'er....?

[chasingpavements]

Thanks again! I just checked out the mentor quote from Wonka, and it makes sense. So basically they are more emotionally fragile right now so it is important for me to be more sensitive, nurturing and supportive to him, and STFU on my own pain and resentment for now. Makes sense to me. It looks like I've got my work cut out for me for the next little bit. Thankfully, I am have a bit of free time to get myself organized and think about some things.

What has me most worried about this new development is the feeling that he will bolt. I will also try to remember that famous squirrel metaphor

Have you ever tried to feed a squirrel?
The best way is to hold out your hand with the food and be perfectly STILL.
Any sudden movements towards her or away from her will scare her away and send her scurrying away.
Shouting at the squirrel and telling them to come get the food wont work either.
Patience and TIME is the only way you will ever get the squirrel to eat out of your hand.