Separated and confused

[lostinpgh]

My posts take a long time to show.. Journaling now:

I texted a bit with my MIL on Tuesday and she told me that when they saw H last weekend, he still seems extremely confused about life. She said when she asked him why he doesn't make a call, he replied that its because of fear. I asked her if she meant a literal phone call or a call about what he wants to do with his life, she believes he means what he wants to do with his life.
She told him that his sitting around and ignoring everyone isn't going to help anything and is making things worse. I would have rather she not pressure him, but I can't control her or what she says.

I decided to take a chance and call him on Weds night. I had a whole pile of other things planned for the week and that was my only opportunity to do it. We did end up talking on the phone for the 1st time since he left on Aug 3rd.
We both talked about what we had been up to, he told me he was working on his social life, and that his anxiety has been way down. He told me he'd been going to therapy still once a week or once every 2 weeks. We only touched briefly on "us", and he said that when my therapist initiated a meeting with his therapist and the 2 of us he just wasn't ready at the time. I don't really know how to interpret that. I don't know what he was expecting would happen at the meeting. The original plan was that we would do separate IC and then come together for all 4 MC. I don't know if he didn't want to tell me he wanted a divorce yet or if he wasn't ready to start the MC bit yet, but didn't want a divorce. I didn't ask any further questions about it.
He did say "we'll get there sometime in the future" and mentioned about having more "talks about things"

He keeps repeating this same thing he said when he was still home. He says "Its nice to talk to my therapist, she says there are reasons that I feel the way that I do" to which I reply that he doesn't have to have any reasons to feel his feelings and that he is allowed to just have feelings without needing to justify them with something. Even still, I don't know what he really means when he says this.
He mentions that living on his own is "hard" and I also don't know how to interpret that as that's all he says.

He said that he was glad that I was going out and doing things and not just sitting around doing nothing. He said he was glad I was doing pretty well. In my mind, I'm thinking he is trying to relieve himself of guilt if I'm not sitting on my couch in tears every night while he figures himself out. Mindreading again...

It seems to me that he has made some progress on himself while he's been gone and I'm happy for that.

I've had a chance to work on my own self and I've been able to see things I was doing wrong in our relationship and to myself.

I truly believe I'm dealing with a mid life crisis'er here.

[Accuray]

lostinpgh,

Your posts will take a while to show up as long as you are on moderation, the more you post, the sooner moderation will be lifted, so journal away or post on other threads as well.

I was considering giving him a call and just telling him I have some mail for him and keep things light and not mention R talks at all. But, the fear of being rejected keeps scaring me back into staying dark.

Glad you got over that. If you don't expect anything you can't be rejected. Don't give him the power to reject you.

So I know this is mindreading, but I have a feeling that he is avoiding talking with me because he thinks the first thing I'll do is bring up talks about our relationship and he will feel pressured again.

You're probably right. Usually it takes a long time for the WAS to believe that the LBS isn't waiting to drop a relationship talk grenade on them. You'll typically see progress when they honestly believe that you have moved on emotionally and are no longer dependent upon them in the least for your happiness and well being. That makes you safe and approachable again and is necessary for starting a new relationship with him if you choose to. The remnants of the old one need to be flushed.

Its just hard to show someone that you've grown and changed if you don't speak to them at all. Neither of us ever post anything on facebook, in fact I've been avoiding it altogether.

Yes, the #1 fear of DB'ers everywhere -- how will my WAS see my changes if I'm giving them space? Two things here -- nostalgia is your friend and they are more likely to think fondly of you if they haven't seen you in a while, and the longer you have to make changes, the better your emotional state is going to be when you finally do reconnect. Small ongoing changes are much harder to see, although really you should be making changes for you and not for him, so it really shouldn't matter if he sees them or not.

I'm thinking he is trying to relieve himself of guilt if I'm not sitting on my couch in tears every night while he figures himself out. Mindreading again...

Yep, that's exactly what you want to do, don't saddle him with your emotional well being.

I've had a chance to work on my own self and I've been able to see things I was doing wrong in our relationship and to myself.

Whatever you do, don't point them out. An ounce of "look how much better I am" erases your progress because they think you're trying to fool them into coming back and you will then revert. Don't mention your changes at all, just act according to how you want to act and have faith that your changes will be noticed.

If you were able to go from early August until now with no contact, you've been doing awesome! Most people don't have that kind of discipline. If you can keep it up you're doing the best thing you can do. Avoid R talks at all costs. Don't let even a little bit of it slip in.

[BrightFuture]

lostinpgh, AS and Accuray gave you some good advice. It does look like your H needs some space right now. He is definitely going through something. You need to have a lot of patience, because it could be a long process. What are you doing for you right now?

[lostinpgh]

Thank you both for your replies!

Right now I'm working on getting back into a fitness routine after my little foot injury sidelined me for a while.

I've bought new clothes and some new accessories and started dressing up a bit more for work just because. I am using makeup more often now as well. I got a nice hair cut and color last week and some acrylic nails put on!

I'm still attending IC regularly.

Made tons of plans with friends and family and I'm busier now than I've ever been.

Accuray, before I learned about DB; I made the mistake of pointing out how much better I was acting. This was before he moved out. One of his complaints was that I didn't put him first. After a few weeks of trying better at that, I stupidly asked him if he thought I was doing better with that. I wish I could go back in time and zip up my own lips then.

My therapist seems to be pushing me towards trying to have a meeting with my H and asking him honestly what his feelings are. I don't feel up to doing that quite yet since I feel like he's somewhere in the tunnel and nowhere near the end.
I did want to ask him to meet me for drinks one day though since I have random stuff he needs like credit cards, insurance cards, and when he left he forgot to take his jacket. Looks like he'll be needing that soon, too.

His mother told me that he seemed angry at the world and that nobody ever listens to him and he never gets his way. Sounds like something a 4 year old would say to me. I'm angry at him tonight. I'm angry that he just waltzed away from all his responsibilities and left me to deal with all the house chores myself, all the yard work, and left all the animals behind while he's just out in his fresh new apartment playing video games or whatever.
Even though I have some anger tonight, I am still standing and I will continue to do anything to save this marriage. I meant every word I said in our vows. Through good times and (REALLY) bad ones. I know that patience is the #1 ingredient, so I am being as kind and patient as I can be.

[Mimi00]

His mother told me that he seemed angry at the world and that nobody ever listens to him and he never gets his way. Sounds like something a 4 year old would say to me. I'm angry at him tonight. I'm angry that he just waltzed away from all his responsibilities and left me to deal with all the house chores myself, all the yard work, and left all the animals behind while he's just out in his fresh new apartment playing video games or whatever.
Even though I have some anger tonight, I am still standing and I will continue to do anything to save this marriage. I meant every word I said in our vows. Through good times and (REALLY) bad ones. I know that patience is the #1 ingredient, so I am being as kind and patient as I can be.

My H was the same... the week he BD he drove to visit his family and told them all he's leaving me... they all advised him not to (except his sister who he has shared his feelings with for years) and he became angery that they all cared "more about you than me..." he said no one cared about his feelings and what he wanted. He sounded so childish and selfish....but all I did was validate...and told him I cared how he felt.

You are doing the right thing in being patient. You have the right ideas and lots of good advice here. All the best to you on this journey.

[lostinpgh]

^Thank you for your reply! My h just keeps telling his family and friends that he isn't sure what he wants and to stop pressuring him and making him stressed.
I know for sure that his parents aren't supportive of him in this at all and they think he is being a selfish child. I keep actually sticking up for him to his parents and telling them to just be patient and not to pressure him.

This is really the crux of our whole marriage problem anyway! The inability to communicate. Its like he only speaks and understands Japanese while I only speak and understand German.
He's thinking that I should know what he wants without him having to tell me.

That is frustrating that your h's sister is egging him on, right by his side.
It's nice to meet someone else on here who also doesn't have kids because I think that makes the whole situation a little different for us.

[Mimi00]

He's thinking that I should know what he wants without him having to tell me.

Yes! This is my H as well.
Its like he believes being truly "in love" should make you a mind reader....able to know exactly what your spouse wants/needs. He frustrates him self trying to "figure me out" instead of believing what I say....and then he doesn't express his own needs but builds resentment when they aren't met...and I am completely clueless that he's keeping tabs on things I dont do that I dont even know are expected of me.


And yes having no kids is a big factor. Sometimes I think children can be the "glue" in many situations to help w/ holding things together or helping the WAS to rethink....sometimes it seems they aren't a factor at all.

[lostinpgh]

I was just reading your thread as well and had to chuckle at the mind reading part. Perhaps our H's are long lost twins!
My H is keeping tabs on me too of things I didn't know he was expecting.

I also agree with you about how having kids can sometimes be the "glue" that sort of helps to hold things together and see if there can be a chance to try to work things out.
When there are no kids, there really is hardly any reason to stay in contact.
So far, I've been the only one to reach out to H and he hasn't texted, called, IM'd me or anything. We started out long distance as well as we met online.

[Mimi00]

My H and I started long distance as well, we met in 2001 and had mutual friends, then in 2006 we reconnected through one of those friends. I lived in the mid-west, he was down south. So being a part isn't the hardest part for me.

Other things I can relate to from your story:
"He also started talking about children and how he didn't think that we had a stable environment here to do that. He said that his therapist identified him as being codependent and he said that he spent most of his life doing things for others and put his wants aside for everyone else. He said he wanted to take a few days for himself and hoped that I would understand."

In the beginning both my H and I wanted 2-3 kids. Last year he mentioned maybe we should only have one..... then that turned into "I'm glad we don't have any kids...look at us, we both aren't ready".... after BD he said "I'm content with the fact I may never have kids".

Yeah, he's content, but now I may never have that either.
These are the times I feel anger towards him, and I have to redirect my thoughts to something positive.

Also, when we were dating I would tell my H that he takes care of everyone else and needs to start focusing on himself. He would always disagree. After BD, this is now his main concern, that he realizes he's taken care of others for too long and wants to only take care of him. That was a stab in the heart.

But just like your H said that it's him, not you. We both have to believe that is true... and give them the time they need to work through whatever it is they are going through.

If you have time for another book, I enjoyed "This is not the story you think it is....a season of unlikely happiness" by Laura Munson. Her H left and had his own crisis/depression sitch going on.... Her story gave me a bit of hope

Hope you enjoy your weekend!

[lostinpgh]

We do indeed have to just believe them for what they say and hope that they really are working on themselves.
It sounds like we are working on ourselves in the meantime, too!

I'm so thankful that we don't have kids. I don't even know how I would be able to properly care for them at this time. I can barely look after myself right now.

Thank you for the book recommendation too, I will have to check that out. I definitely could use anything positive/ hopeful at the moment.