Thank you my forum friends!

[MrBond]

To be honest, I wouldn't linger on the R talk issue. You say that you don't like being in limbo, but you really haven't been in it that long.

R talks have a way of ending badly with all the stress and pressure. Keep things light and open. Allow him to trust you.

Good luck.

[chasingpavements]

MrBond, thank you so much for your help and advice. I feel like right now I am struggling between wanting to have answers right now so I can move on with my life and giving him space and time.

I am going back to work in a month and feel like I would like to have some answers beforehand so I can handle some emotional as well as financial issues. I worried he was going to hold off on talking to me about things until just before I headed back to start work again, and that I would be an emotional wreck.

Do you have any advice for me on heading into my conversation with him? I already know I am going to let him take the lead and hear what he has to say.

If he says he is certain he wants to separate, I am just going to tell if that is what he wishes, then fine, and leave it at that. (no more talking)

If he wants to work on things what should I do/say? Should I just say ok I agree and leave it at that for now, or start getting into my boundaries that I listed above?

I feel a little lost right now, and doubting my decision to ask him to talk with me. Hopefully I am not rushing him, but I do feel I deserve an answer from him.

Regards,
-cp

[AJM]

C, this kind of thing is kind of off the charts when it comes to steadfast ways to handle things. It may help explain why you're feeling "lost". If you watch some of the other threads, you'll see some bits and pieces of the thought process while a MLCr works through their issues. Because it is their issues to work through, you have to take care of you. That said, there isn't really a right or wrong way to handle things. There's only what works for you.

Do you have any advice for me on heading into my conversation with him? I already know I am going to let him take the lead and hear what he has to say.

If he says he is certain he wants to separate, I am just going to tell if that is what he wishes, then fine, and leave it at that. (no more talking)

If he wants to work on things what should I do/say? Should I just say ok I agree and leave it at that for now, or start getting into my boundaries that I listed above?

Boundaries? Boundaries aren't something you have to communicate. They are something you have to enforce. With or without words. It's friendlier if you communicate them to be sure, but not required. A MLCr, generally speaking, is working through a lot of issues. It is not ok while they do that to hurt others. But they tend to. That said, it's helpful to let them know you won't be spoken to inappropriately. That helps nobody. It's as if they have to learn how to treat people again, so you need to have that boundary and if you tell him - great. If you enforce it, that'll work too. Make sense?

As for conversation? I suggest figuring out what you want. You can have the answers and still not agree with how he handles them. Believe me That's just a disagreement. You can also let him have the last word and see how that works for you.

I think your needs are valid and your approach is a good one. If that helps.

My $0.02.

Peace,
AJ

[chasingpavements]

Thanks for stopping by AJM! It sure has been a rollercoaster, here in MLC land I will have to stop by your thread to check out your situation. I think I have used the wrong word: boundaries. I meant to say conditions. I was mostly wondering if I should bring up the counseling aspect as well as just making sure that he is willing to put effort moving forward. I am at the point of "do or die" right now. If he is not willing to put in the effort I am moving forward with the separation agreement.

peace,
cp

[MrBond]

"If he wants to work on things what should I do/say?"

Ask him what does that look like to him. What does "healing" and making things better look like and what actions does he think need to be taken?

[Tina825]

Hi all, guess I'm on moderation and still hoping to get through so I can get some advice. I've posted several other posts so won't go through all that again other than found out 8/12 H was talking on a secret phone to OW. We separated for almost six months, went through IC and MC and things were going pretty well until 8/13 I caught him on secret phone again. He immediately said we are through and left. He has had me on an emotional roller coaster ever since. One day nice and sweet wanting to talk about us and what we can do, the next I won't hear a word until evening. I firmly told him that I need him to do a NC with OW in order for our marriage to go anywhere at this point. I will not waiver from that because I think that's the problem I had first time was forgiving so quickly and not trusting that there was NC.

We have a 9s and 13s (mine) and he keeps inviting himself to whatever we are doing and I've basically said that's your choice. We also own our own business so it's difficult to do total darkness.

Last night he texted me and said he wished he could figure out how to get us on track and how he knows he f'd up our relationship and doesn't know what to do. Then he said he wished he had a magic wand. I said "don't we all?" Today he's back to being aloof. Asked to join me and sons to dinner and movie, then when I told him what time we would be at restaurant he said "I'll see if I can make it". I said, "your choice".

He has been questioning who he is, doesn't think he's as successful as he should be for his age - just turned 45, doesn't want to live what little life he has unhappy, wants to die his hair - which is just starting to grey, losing weight, etc.

Any advice would be great at this point as I feel I'm being strung along and he's sitting on the fence to decide if our marriage is worth working on or if she's the better option. Thanks to all replies.

[AJM]

I think Bond is right. You are far from "done", that's easy enough to see. You just don't want what's right now. I get that.

Checking to see what he thinks that looks like allows you to figure out if you want to talk or not. If you want to continue or not. I strongly suggest not quitting until that feeling comes and doesn't go away. When it does, you'll know and you won't have to worry about talking to him or not. Until then, keep trying!

From your description, I don't think your H is "done" either. More like he doesn't like the limbo either.

Just my thoughts and what I see in there.

AJ

[FlyOnTheWall]

Be careful what you wish for, its probably still not going to be the answers you really want to hear. There can be no satisfaction unless you really hear the words "ok, lets make this work". If you think that's whats coming out of his mouth, wouldn't he have said it already?

I know how frustrating it can be, but your still hoping for those expectations. Free yourself of that burden. Don't be afraid to realize you still MIGHT have a LONG ways to go. Are you going to stand or not?

You can do this CP, I know you can!!! Patience grasshopper, patience.

[chasingpavements]

Fly, you may be right, and there might be more 'waffling' on his end, I have no idea what I would say if he told me he was still thinking about things and wasn't sure! I honestly have no idea what he is going to say. I am fine if we still have a long way to go.. but not if it is in limbo-land. Only if he is willing to put some effort in. Fly, I have no patience, I am amazed I have made it this far! I feel like I just want to move forward one way or another. Hopefully I have at least a LITTLE bit of clarity tomorrow.. I wish I could just fast forward 2 years of my life... ugh
Thanks for all of your support, I truly appreciate it.
-cp

[FlyOnTheWall]

He already knows what you want, he cant give it to you yet (or maybe even ever), period. The reality of it is, your either going to keep standing, or your not. Let go of that rope a little, you've got too tight a grip still.

Its gonna take more time, ok, can you handle it? Are you really in a place that you think divorce is better than limbo land? or are your still trying to convince yourself of that. I dunno, your the only one that can truly answer that question. My hunch says no thou. Give yourself some more time to detach, its only been a month since he moved out, said a few things, and you let your expectations ramp up a little. Your really only in this 8-9 months, I know that feels like an eternity, but what if it takes another year? I hate to say this, but he isn't sure, are you willing to give him more time? If we're using the general rule of one month per year, you got at least another 6 months of this. ouch. Your mindset is EVERYTHING.

Try and set a few goals for yourself the next week or two. Nothing huge, some small steps that get you going in a positive mindset. I know how you love the crafting/painting stuff. Is there something in the house that you can work on to keep yourself busy? An old chair or table? How about just try something new, some modeling clay/sculpturing? Try a real painting? like a house in the forest type thing. I dunno.

Keep your mind busy, stop trying to think what HE might be thinking, he'll tell you when he's ready. Unless of course, you decide your done, you'll still be my fellow DB'er. Don't make me come up there and take you to a hockey game, lol. If I have to stop this car........