I'm back for a while

[ClingingToHope]

I was posting here extensively in 2009, 2010 and 2011. It was my lifeline to sanity and then ... I guess I didn't need this place for a while.

Well, this has been a strange week and it's bringing me back for a bit. The divorce is two years and a few months old. In 2009, after I moved out (by request, I left thinking she'd beg me back in a month, life's big mistake) XW started seeing this Harley riding guy from a small town about 30 minutes away. Her best friend, who I considered a friend, set them up. It ended in 2010 and 2011 then they started dating again in Feb. 2012.

Yesterday, my 11-year-old told me XW is pregnant. She said XW told her she was on birth control and it wasn't planned. Today, 14-year-old filled me in on rest of plans. Harley guy is moving into my old house and they plan on getting married after the baby is born. She is 42. He is 43.

The old house is big enough that everyone gets their own room. It is good for me in a way because I live five minutes from there and I see the kids a lot. Every Wednesday after school. Every Thursday and every other weekend -- Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

We'd had a fight in the summer where she threatened to move in with the boyfriend in the small town. I told her I regretted not fighting for custody in 2010, 2011 and if she moved it would mean far less time with my daughters and I'd spend every penny fighting for custody this time.

I don't know if that scared her. I think instead it was my 14-year-old, who is a freshman in high school, telling her that if she moved to the small town then she'd come live with me.

So now, D14 says the plan is the new couple will stay in my area -- in my old house -- until D14 goes to college. D11 will then either be in 8th or 9th grade -- there's issues there -- and Dll will be old enough to decide whether she'll move to new small town with mom, Harley guy, and the toddler or she can stay with me and stay in the school district she's grown up in.

The bright side is that at least for a couple of years none of these arrangements change.

My head is all over the place on all of this. If anyone remembers my old posts, I'm one of those 1 percenters. I never wanted the divorce and no matter what I've tried, there's 1 percent of me who still believes she'll wake up someday and realize this was all a mid-life crisis and she made a mistake.

So I've been tremendously sad at times. I was thinking about the pregnancies of my girls. I love being a father. I loved it when she was pregnant. It was tiring, but those are some of the greatest moments of my life. The fact she'll be sharing that experience with someone else brings back a lot of hurt.

Plus, it complicates things in the future. Christmas. Vacations. Graduations. Weddings. There'll be this other kid involved who is not mine. I wasn't prepared for this one. I thought at her age this wasn't going to happen.

I burned up a lot of minutes the past two nights with friends and family and I hear what they are saying and my head knows they are right. This is a train wreck and I should feel lucky it's not my child.

XW was at least 40 pounds overweight before this pregnancy. Harley guy is a janitor at a company and makes OK money. He's the proverbial bad boy. He owns a car, truck and motorcycle and heads to the bar or out with the boys during the week and then bangs my XW on the weekends before going out to work on his truck. So he hasn't exactly been good for her. She looks awful, but keeps telling the girls how she's going to get back into shape.

Now, he's moving into a house with one teenage girl, an ADHD child hitting puberty, a dog, a cat, a bunny and a moody woman who wasn't a very energetic mother when she was in her 20s and a size 2 who also works 50 to 60 hours a week.

One thing I know. It's easy to be a boyfriend/girlfriend. No strings. You see each other when it's convenient. It's damn hard to be a husband and a father. I may be mediocre at a lot of things, but I'm a very good father. So now the rubber will hit the road in this MLC.

I've always thought D14 would end up with me at least half the time. When she was 9 and this happened she asked to live with me and I said I wanted to keep her and her sister together. She knows that at 16 she can decide her own arrangements. This situation might speed up that timeline.

D11? I don't know. She always wanted a baby brother or sister. So she's going to be extremely excited for a while. Of course, one this guy is there every day (they only see him four or five days a month now) maybe that changes.

Time will tell.

It's weird how life works because up until this week things were going pretty swimmingly in 2013.

I've been on dates with eight different women since the split up. Several through Match. One through DateHookup and another through OK Cupid. I've dated -- multiple dates -- three. The first was just a couple of dates and I ran away scared. She was crazy. But it was 2010 and I needed to get on with things.

The second lasted for three months in 2011-2012 and I broke that off right before I found out that XW and Harley guy were back together. She was just pushing for more than I was prepared to give.

This last one has been going on since November 2012. She's an English professor at the local community college. She has a D11. A very nice house and doesn't need fixing of any kind. And she's working tremendously hard to make me happy.

And I just don't feel for her what I felt for XW and I feel guilty that I let it go on. I enjoy my time with her. I've had more sex in this past near year than the last 5 combined with XW. And she rarely pushes me for anything.

I wanted to stop seeing her after two dates but the friend who set us up said that the list of must haves I had was so unrealistic that I could either resign myself to being alone for the rest of my life or I could give in on a couple of things.

And then there's the fact that I've made poor decisions when I let my heart lead the way instead of my head. This woman is perfect for me. Educated. XW barely passed high school and stopped going to my company functions after a couple of years because she said she felt intimidated by the conversation.

In shape. She's a vegetarian trying to go full vegan. She runs. Does yoga. Rides bikes. She's active.

She's a very good mother. Her D11 wants to go to an Ivy League school. I'm using the math tutor she has for Dll for my girls because math is their weakness.

Her family is very happy. All successful. No black sheep. XW's is a mess. They just drain the life out of people.

The girls have met her and really like her.

So what's the holdup? She's not a cheerleader/pom pon girl.

Honestly. When I trace it all the way back, that's it. I was a basketball/baseball player growing up. I was so into sports though that I was well behind on the social scene. I didn't have my first kiss until I was 16 and my first girlfriend until I was 17.

Being on the basketball team, I was always around cheerleaders and had crushes on several. But they were usually already taken and I was too shy.

I met XW when I was 17 and she was 15. She went to another school. I was at a party and became friends with a group of girls from the school. XW was one of them. But she was so quiet while I was outgoing that I scared her. She was gorgeous and I always wanted to ask her out, but I was intimidated because she never talked to me.

Fast forward. I go away to college. Come back and I was no longer scarecrow skinny. We ran into each other one night and afterward she pursued me. The night I found out she wanted to go out with me will remain burned in my memory forever - probably through Alzheimers. It so FED MY EGO that I ignored red flag after red flag and married her.

At my wedding reception a friend came up to me and said "you did a lot better for yourself than I thought you would."

I was mad at the statement and proud. I married the cheerleader, the beauty queen. I thought with my lower half. So when you ask why am I continuing the relationship with the professor I guess I'm waiting to see if I'll ever grow up and let my past go.

Money wise. It's still a struggle. I work for a newspaper so I haven't gotten a raise in five years. I'm very lucky to still have a job and to have risen high enough before the recession that I make OK money.

It's not enough to live well on with child support so I've carved out a schedule where I keep score at a high school for about $1,200 to $1,500 in December, January and February. I make about $2,000 a year umpiring youth baseball in April, May, June and July. I do the books for my sister's business in Minnesota and she pays me $100 a month. And I'm writing the autobiography of a bigwig in town. He pays me quarterly. I've made $1,500 this year doing that. I have another year to go on the project.

It's enough to allow me in April to move from a tiny house (1,000 square feet) to a 1,500 square foot one owned by a friend for just $100 more a month. He wanted to move to Fla. and he didn't want to sell in this real estate market. So again, I got lucky. Still, it's a stretch. But the neighborhood is beautiful. The girls and I have room to stretch out. It's actually a better house and better living situation than XW's. D14 said she wants me to never leave this house.

I got a settlement in the summer from a 2011 car accident that allowed me to buy a time share -- a small one, I didn't get rich - so I can take the girls to many of the places we dreamed about pre divorce. We did Disney in April. Next year, D.C. The year after New York. The year after that Texas. Then hopefully California.

I will work, work, work and work some more to make that a reality. I have $22k for D14's college and $19k for D11. That's pretty good considering everything. The girls are old enough now to see how much work I put into making sure their lives are limited as little as possible by this divorce. But they also are old enough now to know when and why their dad is hurting and to wonder if I'll ever completely get over this.

I was in a church group in 2010 and 2011 and I admitted something that I have to remember now.

I'm a mess. I'll always be a mess. I just need to become less of a mess every day.

How's that for a welcome back post.

[SunFunOne]

Hi C2H,

Just have time for a brief comment. Sorry Ex is pregnant. But it's her life not yours.

What bothers me (besides what Gineen has pointed out about ex & your obsession/comparisons) is YouR obsession with body types and the beauty/ cheerleader thing. Come on man - how shallow can you be? Look what that type brought you.

I've been with a "nerd" type for almost 10 years now. I love my nerd. He is never who I thought I wanted but there is no drama. He is good to me. He is intelligent & can carry a good conversation. I will never tire of that. He is self sufficient, loves to do nice things for me & makes damn good $. If you let that woman go - you are nuts!

Go back to your C & work on this. Redirect your thoughts about ex. Just think "good for her". Smile that YOU don't have a baby on the way. And keep on being a great dad!

Barb

[kat727]

Good to get an update. Now go rent the movie "Shallow Hal". He gets to see the beauty of the people inside where it matters. Alot of the women he thought were gorgeous are actually ugly in the inside. Just watch it and if you have already seen it, watch it again.

Stop focusing on your ex. She isn't the prize you thought she was. Yet her former looks are burned in your memory and you can't seem to let that go. You have to. She is not good for you. Hanging on to the past isn't good for you. Focus on the girls and yourself. I hope you get off the looks wagon soon and you don't mess up a good thing with a good person because of it.

kat

[whatisis]

Hi CTH. You're life sounds amazingly good. How about changing your screen name to something like LTL- Learning To Live. On another thread we've been talking about visualization, prayer and motivating yourself. Your screen name is a friggin menace to your life! Anyway, maybe part of your issue is you're at a point with this lady where it is no longer just casual dating, it's a relationship. I know I was involved with someone for 15 months and one of my issues was wondering whether I could really, really trust again in a more permanent relationship. There were other issues too but that one was there. I've never had to deal with my ex (we're divorced now, btw) re-marrying or having another child with someone else (she's batting from the other side of the plate) and I'm sure it creates a lot of emotion and jumbled thinking. But, don't go with feeling on this...use the old noggin and realize that feelings come and feelings go. If this keeps gnawing away at you then by all means go get some counselling. Don't blow what sounds like a really nice R because of your ex, she's taken enough from you already. Learn to live... and take back control over your own life! Make decisions for you now and not for the past.
Great to hear from you

[ClingingToHope]

Actually, I've seen Shallow Hal. I love the movie. Jack Black is great. Nacho Libre is under appreciated.

Today is the day after bombshell No. 2.

And the climb begins again. I went back and reread some of my situation back in 2012 before I went dark on here for a while. Can you guess that I couldn't sleep.

It all goes back to my basic fear. What am I afraid of? I'm afraid I'm unlovable. I'm afraid the kids who picked on me when I was younger and would come to school with uncombed hair in the same jacket for weeks at a time because I wasn't into style yet were right.

That old saying 'sticks and stones may break your bones but names will never hurt you' is crap. Bones heal. Names, and how they make you feel, linger forever.

It's not about XW. XW is just the last manifestation. When I started going out with her there was this rush because I thought she was out of my league.

I had that feeling with my first girlfriend, my girlfriend in college and the lady I dated before XW. In all cases, I fell hard and when they walked away I felt like the nerdy teenager again. And that feeling didn't totally go away until I got the rush once again.

Remember Church_31. Well she's Church_34 now and I don't see her anymore. I came to this realization last summer, if Church_34 was in my life then I wouldn't care about XW.

Part of it also is my competitiveness. I used to say the best revenge is a life well lived. And this year has gone really well. Things are at their best point in five years.

* Excellent house. Finally a home. A place to spread out and be proud to have friends and family over.

* Great neighborhood.

* Great neighbors.

* Job somewhat stable. Side jobs going well.

* A plan formulated if the newspaper continues to crumble.

* I still play basketball, softball, ride my bike, swim. I don't feel 44.

* Family coming for Thanksgiving. Savings plans in place so Christmas and summer will be taken care of.

* College savings for girls in a good place.

A lot of things I told myself in 2009 would happen if I just kept plugging away have happened. I know it's just a matter of continuing to plug away.

This is just a scab that was ripped back open and I'm going to bleed for a while. The bleeding will stop. I reread the post on the day I got divorced. I realized then that nothing in this has been as bad as imagined it would be.

Even this. I won't have to fight over custody. I get to stay where I'm at. In three years, if she doesn't come to me before, D11 will have a chance to pick me or XW. And even if she picks XW I should have the wherewithal to move closer to wherever she goes. Until D11 is safely off to college I will make sure I'm as close to an every day presence as possible.

Already my brain is readjusting itself. One post I read I've always remembered and I have to remember it especially right now. The Left Behind Spouse always imagines the Walk Away Spouse's life is way better than it actually is and imagines his or her own life is far worse.

A couple of weeks ago I ran into a friend who asked how things were going and I said, "Really, really good. I can't really complain."

Then I found out I wasn't going to work the marathon in October because they are full up. I was counting on that $350. So I'm really light on money now until December.

Then the newspaper cut pages, making us wonder if layoffs are coming.

Then pregnancy bombshell. Then marriage bombshell.

Even if I was the strongest person on this site, those two were going to hurt. It's like the scene in "When Harry Met Sally" where Meg Ryan breaks down because her ex boyfriend is getting married.

"I was supposed to get married first," she said.

The thing with the college professor is difficult because I told myself back in 2009 that I wasn't going to settle. I wouldn't get married until I had that feeling again.

That feeling stirred with Church_34 and it was intoxicating.

For whatever reason, I don't have that feeling with the professor. I don't think it has anything to do with XW, unless it's XW, First GF, College GF, all rolled into one. The ghosts of past rejections.

So I'm torn. This relationship is very comfortable. It fits my needs and apparently it fits her needs as well. I'm spending Saturday with her this week and Friday and Saturday with her next week. We're going to watch the entire final season of Breaking Bad. I got her hooked on it.

But I know deep down that if she ever wants to take it to another level I won't want to go to that level.

And I really, really, really want to get my act together to write a book. I have the outlines of how it would work and I have the pain, sadness, anger and hope that fights it out every day inside of me ready to pour out.

Had girls this morning and easily got them off to school. Another thing adding to the melancholy this week actually is D14. She is doing wonderful so far in her freshman year. 4.1 GPA. Last weekend we put together a list of 20 colleges she'd like to go to and then looked up the necessary GPA and ACT scores she'll need.

Plus, three weeks into school she started liking a boy and FINALLY it went in her favor. He asked her to homecoming and it's this weekend and it's her mom's weekend so all I'll get is a few minutes Saturday night to take pictures of her and the -- boyfriend -- it's not official.

So I was already a little wistful when the bombs started dropping this week. These are the moments I feel like are being stolen.

But I can't help that. In two weeks, I arranged for her to sing the national anthem at the high school football game. And that'll be my memory.

Last night didn't start well because I wanted to get the baby discussion out of the way and D14 didn't really want to. Once that was done I helped D14 finish her homework until the math tutor came over.

She's definitely a teenager and we have our difficult moments, but my relationship is solid with her. She knows that I've always chosen family first.

[sayitaintso]

Hey C2H- It has been a struggle for me dealing w/ stbx and her boyfriend and I am anticipating getting the pregnant and wedding bombs in the future.

I imagine it will set me back as it has you.

This is soul level stuff we are dealing with here so be patient with yourself and allow yourself the time to process and move through these things.

Maybe some people on here are completely detached and this news wouldn't affect them but I think that the majority of us would have our wounds triggered.

[Rick1963]

C2h I agree with all of the above posts. My take is that you can't handle rejection. It is ok to be disliked. It is irrational to believe everyone should like you. I feel for you knowing that exw is pregnant. It kind of shuts the door to her. If she had the baby and wanted to come back to you would you take her back?
It isn't easy to love or fall in love after something like this. So don't be hard in yourself. Give the English professor a chance. Be yourself

[ClingingToHope]

Rick, that's true. I hate rejection. I'm sure that comes from childhood. I rarely just asked anyone out on a whim. I usually did everything I could to know if they were interested first.

Really good weekend.

Friday I worked the scoreboard at a high school football game. $45. I still can't believe I get paid to do that.

Friday night and Saturday until 5:30 p.m. spent time with the professor, watching a Breaking Bad marathon. There were two episodes left when I had to go see D14 in her homecoming dress.

She looked very pretty and very nervous. Finally met her date. We talked football. He's a nice kid. His parents are divorced as well. They were high school sweethearts apparently and a year ahead of me in school. The first BIG date. So he's a permanent part of her memories.

I haven't talked to D14 since so I don't know how it went. And she's not responding to texts, but then she'll let her phone die sometimes.

Weird seeing XW knowing she's pregnant. She didn't say a word about it. I'm not sure when she will. She knows I know.

Saturday night I went to a co-workers who escaped the newspaper and got a better job. She was having a housewarming party. We mostly complained about the slow, painful death of journalism.

After I went out for a couple with another couple of coworkers. One who talked to me again about looking at things objectively. From where he stands, I'm kicking XW's *ss in the divorce.

And I'm realizing that. In a way, XW is like Walter White. She's made a series of bad decisions that lead to more bad decisions.

I thought about that Friday night at the football game and I think I enjoyed myself more on Saturday.

Next weekend, I have D14 for Friday then Saturday the professor and I are going to take the train into Chicago and visit some of the independent bookstores. These are things XW would never want to do. She is scared of big cities and only reads romance novels and she'd never want to walk several blocks.

The professor and I will finish Breaking Bad as well.

Today, I had the day to myself. Dug up some stumps. Raked some leaves. Watched some football. Made $100 doing my sister's books for September.

Texted XW about a reimbursement for D14's braces. Originally, she told me I'd get $1,000 back. At the end of the process, she said she was reimbursed just $750 and she's sending me $375 minus some copays.

It's not $1,000, but it's still found money. Every little bit helps especially since this Christmas I'm going above present budget to get D14 a Macbook Air.

Not much to complain about.

[kat727]

Gineen knows what she is talking about. It took quite a bit of time to get her to not relate everything to her ex.

You know your ex was wrong for you yet you keep comparing every woman to her as if she is a high standard. Let her go. She has let you go. Take a deep breath and say it again. She has let you go. She has moved on. Now you need to also.

kat

[ClingingToHope]

My sister is struggling with her marriage and I've heard or read the same complaints before. I pleaded with her to at least do three to six months of marriage counseling before packing it in.

She reluctantly agreed. She texted me today after their first session. She said the counselor got her to see what's going on in her husband's head. She isn't convinced it'll work, but it's a start.

Today, I couldn't get my head into work much. That happens when I'm A) stressed over money and trying to figure out ways to make things work and B) when I'm in a woe is me mood.

I'm really stressed about the money -- although I'm trying not to be. Right now the math adds up, provided nothing big happens unexpectedly before December.

Not really a woe is me day. A couple stray thoughts here and there.

I got excited about a computer program the newspaper wants me to learn. Caspio. I tried it and if they decide to use it I can take 16 years worth of data and finally put it on the web. I'm a numbers nut. I would be excited to do that.

Then I ran my Monday night basketball league. It's been a struggle so far. I'm making just a couple bucks at it. I thought it would be a much bigger hit than it has been.

Oh well, every little bit helps.

D14 finally texted. She said homecoming was awesome. I'm a little sad I wasn't the one picking her up from the dance. Such is life.