NEW LIFE / NEW ME - TAKING OFF!

[Fartiltre]

LTH,

Maybe W feels that way about you 'calm, but still pleasant and nice'. You do not know that she is totally gone, the ending is not determined.

Thanks for the kind words!
I know the end is not determined and it properly won’t be for a loooong time.

I see my statement can be misinterpreted! I believe this is her present state of mind, when I hear her talking to me on a day like this! That can hopefully change somewhere in the future! A convo like this lessens my hope but I will get it back again until I can’t get it back anymore.

Thanks!

F

[sandi2]

Your W may present a false self-confidence b/c she doesn't want to face the fact she has caused this pain for her little children. The activities she's trying to fill their lives with lately, is not what they are really wanting from her. They just want their mommy and daddy time.

When my adult child went through a M break-up, I saw his 5 yr old go through a terrible time. His W would call and ask him to go to her place to console their child. When he got there, he was left to deal with the child's questions of why he could no longer live with them. How do you explain to a little one that mommy is D daddy so she can M her affair partner? It has been over a year now, and she is still having a hard time adjusting.

[Fartiltre]

Two more incidents today that I need to put on paper:

When I went to pick up Ds bags W and Mil was there! It was quite nice to see MIL but once again I felt totally awkward seeing W. I gave them both a hug when I arrived. They were working on some shelves in the shed and W showed me this and made some comments about it. I answered and stated that I wanted to pick up the Ds. I was there less than 2 min.

I am not being jerkish or anything but inside I feel like a moron. I can’t explain this feeling but it isn’t pleasant. W is acting all right so this is all about me and even if she was a fool it would still be about me. I need to work on this.
I am not sure how much of this feeling she can read but she definitely has a picture of me not liking to hang around.

I went to pick up D6 and she seemed sad. She quite quickly stated that she misses W and we talked a little about it. I validated her feelings and told her that it is all right to feel this way and that ended it. Then we picked up D4 and she was just plain happy to see me. We went for a short walk and a hotdog and the off to girlscouting.

D6 didn’t want to attend – she started crying again, but this time she stated “I haven’t seen you for so long , dad – I want to be with you. Can I go shopping with you and D4” I spend 8-10 min talking to her and I tried the best I could to calm her down but I couldn’t so I told the leaders that D6 won’t be here today and off we went. I have talked with her two more times this evening about her feelings. She is hurting and she is trying to be brave! It is killing me!

I have called W and told her about the incident. She immediately shifted to this soft and caring voice stating that of course they will react to this. I kept the talk to the facts and after 3-4 attempts I managed to end the call within a few minutes.

So some day! The call in the morning, the meet up, and at last D6 crying. Add to this that one of the surgeon’s entry holes has caught a severe inflammation and my car broke down and you have the party of my day

The evening has been great. Lots of hugs, kisses and loving moments.
It nice to end a day like this in a good manner!
I am still feeling rather good - but sit is all over my brain!


Sandi,

Your W may present a false self-confidence b/c she doesn't want to face the fact she has caused this pain for her little children.

IMO she is just using and believing the normal WAW excuses. This is better for all, it will be hard but in the long run everybody will feel better and so on….and she believes it. She has to otherwise nobody would be able to witness things like this.
Until now this has been easy! The Ds have been exited over a new place to stay, new toys, new bikes and so on – but when the dust from all that settles the feelings will still be there. I believe that W until now and properly still has used Ds excitement to state “See, I was right – everybody is just happy! Even F is working his life and looking much better”

The activities she's trying to fill their lives with lately, is not what they are really wanting from her. They just want their mommy and daddy time.

Yes, and that surfaced today. This was the first time D6 let it out for real.

When my adult child went through a M break-up, I saw his 5 yr old go through a terrible time. His W would call and ask him to go to her place to console their child. When he got there, he was left to deal with the child's questions of why he could no longer live with them. How do you explain to a little one that mommy is D daddy so she can M her affair partner? It has been over a year now, and she is still having a hard time adjusting.

I am sorry you have had D so close several times. Do I recall it right that you have to children and both D.
The story about your sons XW calling and getting him to solve problems sounds heartbreaking. He must be a strong and caring man and farther. Any chance for R for them?

F

[T1000]

Sounds like real life is hitting your sitch for everyone involved. Inevitable at some point.

I think she will notice you don't want to hang around. She decided she didn't want H F in her life anymore. That is what she is getting.

I think you're doing great!

[Fartiltre]

The inflammation is hurting more than the hernia did, so I look forward to seeing the doctor tomorrow morning. I am quite sure they will send me to the hospital and then drain it – I hope they will!

Otherwise a nice day!
When I dropped off D4 one of her friends mother asked if she could take home D4 this afternoon to play. That gave me a good chance to talk a little with D6 this afternoon but she has silenced up again. We still had a good time. When I picked up D4 the parents of her friends agreed to me having the friend over. Every time something like this happens I grow. Parent’s trusting me with their children makes me feel good.

One short text-interaction with W today.

W (11.40AM): How is D6 doing today..?
Me (03:04PM: That’s honestly a little hard to tell. I will keep you informed if something happens
W (03:20PM): I understand it’s hard to tell..! But it is really good that she is starting to react. Maybe the many new things is settling in and making room for her reactions now.

It’s a bit hard to translate and I think the original texts are a bit lighter than the translation. The new things is school, W moving, new friends and so on….
Ws point is obvious and it is good D6 is showing feelings - but W sure comes out cold to me.

Sounds like real life is hitting your sitch for everyone involved.

Oh, yes! I wish I could do something, to soften this on the children.

[sandi2]

The story about your sons XW calling and getting him to solve problems sounds heartbreaking. He must be a strong and caring man and farther. Any chance for R for them?

She was having an A (don't know how long)and he was completely blindsided when she broke the news to him. I was seeing some signs that I was concerned about, but I had no proof. It was female intuition more than anything else.

No chance of R, she and OM are M. It is like so many cases I on the board. She wants H for a friend and OM for a lover. I only gave advice when he asked me (if you can believe that... ). Since then, they all get along fine. OM is good to the kids. Our youngest GD asked me why daddy and couldn't live with them (and step-dad). Very hard to explain!

I did warn him of cake-eating behavior I have seen from her, and the problems it could become. As to my knowledge, he took my advice and put her straight about a few things.

So, back to your stitch....I may stand completely alone on this idea, but I'll throw it out and you do what you want about it. I can't help but think your W plays up these activities to the girls (like scouts) and make it seem like so much fun. Of course, they will agree with her! It may be W's way of trying to distract them from the emotional pain....or maybe not, IDK. Obviously, D6 is not enjoying attending scouts as much as she wants quality time with her parents. You were very wise in not forcing her to attend the scouts when she clearly did not want to do it. That leads me to my point....I don't think "daddy time" should be spent in outside activities. It is adding emotional stress to D6, at least, and maybe the other one too. It's just too much for such young children. Their lives have been turned upside down. New "everything" and now mommy trying to put them in every extra event that comes along. It's crazy!

At some point, I think parents have to look very hard at things and ask if they are doing it for the kids....or themselves. Your W has more time with them than you do, right? So, and yet it is affecting D6 in a large way.

My son's youngest child told me something that made my heart nearly crack. Every time she tried to talk to her mother, she got pushed away and told her they would talk later. "Later" never comes. When she tried to talk to her school teacher, and Bible school teacher (and named over several other adults) that tried to tell them how bad she was hurting. They all pushed her aside b/c they didn't know what to tell her. That baby is in so much pain and doesn't know how to deal with it. It scares me to death to think of what she may turn to some day, as her escape and trying to deal with life. Why should she ask adults? It makes me so angry! And yet, I know why her mother pushes her away and puts off listening to her child. She's just like your W. She wants everyone to be just as happy as she is. She thinks everyone should be fine with her decision to break up the family.....and if not, oh well. She doesn't want to see the mess she has caused. How are children suppose to know what to do when we adults don't even know? No wonder our world is so screwed up!

Do I understand it? Yes, I understand my former DIL. I knew where she was coming from, emotionally. She's not an evil person. She's quite sweet and loving. I loved her like she was my own child. I recognized the look in her eyes the first time I suspected something was going on. Yet, I could not help. She was already lost in the A fog. She got a D and M the OM before the fog had time to lift (just like most WAW's want to do). Some day it will lift, and she will find herself in the same M all over again.

Sorry, I didn't mean to get off into my own stuff. I barely mentioned it on another thread or two. It was a very difficult time and I want you to know that even though I never went through a D with my H, I have certainly experienced it throughout my family.

[JuneReN]

The main point is that she should not have access to your personal calendar. And the very idea of her signing up the girls into more things to do WHILE THEY ARE SUPPOSE TO BE WITH THEIR DAD (which puts you spreading long hours in the car transporting them to some activity you didn't have a say about).

I mean, I would be very cranky if I had my kids for only a few days out of the month and my xs had the nerve to want to prearrange what we would do on my time. Frankly, I would be the one p!ssed that she even thought she should still have access to my personal calendar. But I realize I am not the most talented in how to state some issues. So maybe you can get a better idea from everyone's imput.

Agree exactly.....and you get your point across perfectly and I agree!!! I think that she stated it is the perfect opening for " oh by the way, get your own exchange....."

[Fartiltre]

Kate,

I think that she stated it is the perfect opening for " oh by the way, get your own exchange....."

Thanks – I guess I just got lucky. The rest of the item’s I need to address is still waiting and if I do not get lucky again I will have to move on these sortly!



Sandi,

Our youngest GD asked me why daddy and couldn't live with them (and step-dad). Very hard to explain!

S10 has asked me the same question a few times and it is a hard one. It is all their hurts, wishes and dreams expressed in one little question.

My son's youngest child told me something that made my heart nearly crack. Every time she tried to talk to her mother, she got pushed away and told her they would talk later. "Later" never comes.

I see myself in this sentence and I hate to admit it! I have 180 this totally since BD and I simply feel good about it – still much to do but I am getting closer.

Sorry, I didn't mean to get off into my own stuff. I barely mentioned it on another thread or two. It was a very difficult time and I want you to know that even though I never went through a D with my H, I have certainly experienced it throughout my family.

Don’t be sorry! First of all I asked the question, remember? Secondly you have given me so much of your personal time and attention and therefore it is also nice for me to know a little about you. I try not to put any of my sit in other threads as well or at least as little as possible but do feel free to speak on my thread – all you want!
I can’t even imagine the pain I would feel if one of my children has to go through this later in life! Statistics say 1½ of them will and I if so – I will be there for them all the way through this! Your son is lucky to have a skilled and caring mother!

I may stand completely alone on this idea, but I'll throw it out and you do what you want about it.

I hope you will keep throwing your ideas or thoughts and I will listen every time!

In general I agree but I do not think GS and gym’s are the right examples. Ds have always attended something.
W is trying to make the best of the situation and IMO she has to. She is definitely trying to distract them! Things she used to hate like a trampoline in the garden, chocolate in the lunch box and fast-food is now implemented in Ds life.

It may be W's way of trying to distract them from the emotional pain....or maybe not, IDK

In short – I think you are right: she is trying to distract them , to show them how fun the “new” life is, how many things they can do because they now live in the city and so on!....and she is trying to show herself the exact same thing.

I do also think one of the reasons she wanted to put the Ds appointments in my calendar is for her to show me how much they are doing. She is also trying to show me that her decision was/is the best for everybody. She is seeking justification.
I have absolutely no picture about what or how much of this is going on at W place! I do not trust that W is telling me or anybody the whole and nothing but the truth. I don’t even believe she is doing that towards herself so I don’t talk with anybody about this.

And then again – I really don’t know anything. This is mindreading and I am not going to act on any of it.

I am just going to find my new best, in the role of a single father and that includes some of the same things. I have adjusted working hours, changed routines, put new things in lunchboxes, bought gifts, accepted more TV/Gaming time, redecorated their rooms and so on – so in fact I am doing the exact same things and the only difference is that I don’t feel like telling W about it.

I now have stated to W that I don’t want for her to make any appointments in “my” time and hopefully she won’t. She came down on me when I told her 6-8 weeks ago that D6 attending GS would be uncertain. I have taken her three times since then and the last one she didn’t want to go. She has talked a little about it again this morning but I can’t get inside her head and help her….perhaps in time!

I feel good but seeing the children hurt is killing me.

F

[Fartiltre]

Great evening with the kids! These Fridays with all of them is a real joy.

I went to see the doctor this morning and they won’t drain the inflammation. If this should be done they will have to cut me open and that means hospital and surgery (light but still full anesthesia) once again. So Monday they will look at me again. I want this gone! It’s painful and I can’t do the things I normally can.
S10 caught the flu last night so I picked him up at 9AM and took the day off with him and picked up Ds earlier. I will try to do this more often if possible!

One little incident regarding W.
I called her number by mistake at 16.54 and didn’t realize it before her VM started and then I hung up.

She called back at 17:27, 17:29, 17:32, 17:45, 19:04, 19:57 and 20:31

I didn’t answer any of these calls. At first not on purpose but then I thought about it. Children are here so it can’t be that important and I just left the phone ringing.

After her call at 20.31 I was about to send her a text, but while writing I received a text from her “I can see that you have called today. I have tried on cell and landline since. What was it..? Have a nice evening”

I replied at 22.37: “Nothing important…D6 got an invitation to a birthday on the 6.10 from 10 – 13. I just thought it would be nice for you to put this in your calendar”


This incident made me recall several quarrels (nothing major) we have had during a long time about her not bringing her phone or not answering it. I know it isn’t nice but even though this wasn’t planned and just happened it didn’t made me feel bad at all. I am happy that I in fact got an invite today and therefore could send the last text but at the same time I have had quality time with my children and didn’t let the phone interrupt us. A friend also called and I didn’t answer that call as well.

[Fartiltre]

Received a text from W at 8.35 as an answer to my text yesterday evening.

"I totally agree. Thanks. I thought something was wrong ;-) Enjoy the weekend and hugs for everybody"


Smiley and hugs for everybody...WOW!! I am not putting anything into this and then again even mentioning it I properly am
This is the first time it is not just hugs for the girls.
I won’t reply since no question asked.