NEW LIFE / NEW ME - TAKING OFF!

[Fartiltre]

Agreed!

I will send it tomorrow and then hold the Christmas stuff back for some days. I will as always post before I do anything

Sandi, Thanks once again! I am off to bed and wish you a pleasant evening!

F

[Fartiltre]

Day is over – once again!

Tomorrow I get to pick up Ds and that will be GREAT!

I had a session at my shrink today. We talked about a lot of stuff but mostly my passive aggression and how I should look at it. It is her opinion that I have to look at how and where I obtained this if I want to get rid of it – totally. I get her points but will properly have to work on this for the rest of my life. The big part in this was realizing it!
It was an ok session and I have decided that I want to stay with her for a long time or until I decide otherwise I have talked to my doctor and they have granted me 12 sessions more so I will be able to stay with my shrink for at least the next year – that’s great! I feel the combination of therapist, reading and this forum is doing me so good!
Furthermore I feel good these days and that’s without my children around me! I feel strength returning and soon I will be able to start exercising again – it’s more than two months ago now and I miss it!
Last but not least, I once again got some needed help on my sit! Gratitude!

TEXTING WITH W THIS EVENING:

ME (7.39PM):
I will pick up bags tomorrow morning around 7.45AM if possible - otherwise in the afternoon….ok?
Please put note in kindergarten that I will pick up D4 at 4.15PM.
Say hello to the girls and give them a hug :-)
F
W: (7.41PM)
That’s totally all right. Will D6 attend scouting tomorrow..? Ds says hi :-)
ME: (7.46PM)
Yup
W: (7.49PM)
D6 is smiling
W: (7.56PM)
Ds says good night

I didn’t answer the last one! I had written the answer but didn’t send it since I realized that this was properly just W cake-eating (small cake, but still cake) and I will see the Ds tomorrow. At the same time I try to be the one that ends convo’s.
I realize that this “Say hello to the girls and give them a hug :-)” should properly not have been send since it is not very business-like. It is much easier with S10 since he has his own phone!

[adinva]

OK maybe I'm just confused, but is there a "not" missing from the sentence as in "when the girls are NOT at my place"?

"I prefer you not put appointments in my calendar when the girls are at my place. I want to know what happens in D's life, however, I don’t want my calendar filled with appointments that I am not attending."

I read this to mean you only want her to put appointments in your calendar when the girls are not at your place and therefore appointments you're not taking them to, which is the opposite of what you mean, right? Or actually, what you mean is this:

"I prefer you not put appointments in my calendar. I want to know what happens in D's life, but you can just send me an email about those kinds of things." etc.

That way you're not getting all cranky about which specific appointments show up in your calendar when your ex really isn't meant to have access to your calendar at all. Stick with the big picture and you won't have as many smaller details to potentially miscommunicate.

I agree that you were killing too many birds in that email and should save Christmas for a separate one. It can go out soon, just that's a lot of topics to cram into one response to a simple question she asked about your calendar. It was overwhelming a bit.

Also, will your W understand what you mean by "you have some of my items, will you look into it"? If you want your [specific item] back, this doesn't explain what that item is. And "look into it" means, I don't know, scour the house and make a list for you? I really don't know what you're asking her to do about your items, will she? Do you think maybe you're trying so hard not to set her off that you're adding a layer of fuzziness over your words? What if you said, "I've been thinking my hockey stick and rice cooker are at your house and I'd like to pick them up next time I'm over there, do you mind getting them out for me?"

I hope Christmas works out the way you'd like. You plan ahead there!

Best,
Adinva

[sandi2]

Those are the words I used, trying to help F say it a little nicer. Maybe I didn't do such a great job.....or maybe I missed something.

These are the words he was going to use about the calendar issue:

"Thanks for mail! I am better and next week the stiches goes out :-)

I don’t think you should put appointments in my calendar when the girls are at my place so please drop me a mail instead. I will be great if you send the appointments to me but do not expect me to accept them. I don’t want my calendar filled with appointments that I am not attending. I would very much like to see them so the thoungt is super – I want to know what happens in Ds life.

Also please avoid signing up the girls for regular stuff like gym or scout when they are at my place – without us talking about it first. I don’t think we should disappoint them unnecessary and if stuff can’t be done there is no need for them to know anything about it. I do hope you agree."

The way I understood it, his W wants to put appointments for the kids on his calendar for the days he has them. She has enrolled the girls in more than one activity (eating up his allowed child time) and which requires him driving them back & forth. She does not discuss it with him before doing it.

[sandi2]

"I prefer you not put appointments in my calendar. I want to know what happens in D's life, but you can just send me an email about those kinds of things." etc.

I don't get it. I thought that was what was being stated. I was trying to help him from sounding cranky.

[JuneReN]

See? I don't get it either.....but maybe we have lost something in the translation?

And he does sound cranky lmao. If I was to get that email it would put me me in a scr*w you kind of attitude. But then again, I am not a WAS, so I have no idea.

I am not sure how to phrase that letter......perhaps, "Thanks for wanting to keep me involved with Ds when they are with you, I appreciate it. However, I am not comfortable with you placing appointments on my calendar and would prefer if you could just send me an email. Also, I am not comfortable with you being on my server, so let me know when you change it over, so I don't delete the account prematurely"

I mean, I would still be p*ssed but if deleting her from the account is something you feel is necessary for you and is not directed at making your W's life uncomfortable and a "so there" attitude, then you have to do it.

Maybe just one thing at a time lol

[Fartiltre]

Sandi, Adinva, Kate’s - Ladies,

Thanks for caring about me! Waking up this morning and realizing that three strangers have cared for me while sleeping, makes my morning and whole day better.

Let’s take the easy part first:

Also, will your W understand what you mean by "you have some of my items, will you look into it"?

I send her a list august 22 and she told me that she would look into it. Sept. 15 I asked her again and she hasn’t responded to this at all. Knowing her I think she simply forgot and I believe she will understand.

I hope Christmas works out the way you'd like. You plan ahead there!

I know I am ahead but I need to be! I would love for the children to experience a Christmas with a lot of people. My mom and dad are dead and the rest of the bloodfamily and stepfamily is shattered into atoms. I feel asking my neighbors to have us over are almost intruding, but I need this sorted out quickly because it fills my head with unpleasant thoughts. If they turn us down I will need time to find another solution. I fear asking and I hate that I have to do it and that’s exactly why it should be done right away. I hope you understand me.

I mean, I would still be p*ssed but if deleting her from the account is something you feel is necessary for you and is not directed at making your W's life uncomfortable and a "so there" attitude, then you have to do it.

I never meant to come out cranky and to pi$$ her off but it is hard to ask her these things without doing exactly that. Something definitely got lost in the translation, but even if I fill the letter with hearts and smiley’s, the issues (exchange-server, money, her stuff, my stuff and Christmas) will still not please her and some of them will be quite inconvenient for her.

That’s the hard part these days! Standing my ground, doing what I believe is reasonable and fair and at the same time worrying about pushing her further away. Walking this thin red line down the middle between hate and love is a difficult task to me.

IMHO I have to look at us being D now and that fact is explanation enough to all off the points. She is my XW and she is not my friend! Even if she was my friend I wouldn’t allow her access to the exchange-server, I would still want my money and my things and so on. Problem is that the situation is reversed – she already has access so I am not about to turn down a request from her. I am about to take something away that she likes.

I need to find a kind and nice way to state my wishes and to make her see that I am not punitive or vindictive.

KP, you are straight to the point! This will to some extent make her life uncomfortable and it will come out as a “so there” attitude. It does hold a little of this, but that’s not the reason I want her gone from the exchange-server.

I was trying to help him from sounding cranky.

And you did! It is difficult for me to translate a letter like this. It holds small words that I don’t know, local phrasings and so on! What I got from the letter you wrote was a rewrite that made both my English and native letter less cranky. I get the points about the when, how and where from A and KP and believe they hold a good point about the technical issue in this.

And he does sound cranky lmao. If I was to get that email it would put me me in a scr*w you kind of attitude. But then again, I am not a WAS, so I have no idea.

I am not cranky and I don’t want to be
I don’t want to put W in that mood/attitude but I don’t know how to avoid it and I will not avoid asking her these things just because I fear her reaction.


I won’t send this mail today – it can easily wait a day or two or ten. Perhaps this is better on the phone or in person.

Thanks again for caring about me, my life and my sit!
F

[sandi2]

The main point is that she should not have access to your personal calendar. And the very idea of her signing up the girls into more things to do WHILE THEY ARE SUPPOSE TO BE WITH THEIR DAD (which puts you spreading long hours in the car transporting them to some activity you didn't have a say about).

I mean, I would be very cranky if I had my kids for only a few days out of the month and my xs had the nerve to want to prearrange what we would do on my time. Frankly, I would be the one p!ssed that she even thought she should still have access to my personal calendar. But I realize I am not the most talented in how to state some issues. So maybe you can get a better idea from everyone's imput.

[Fartiltre]

Well, it seems like some of the problems solved themselves!

W called this morning and wanted to talk about D6. D6 was sad this morning when W dropped her off at school and she had stated “Mom, I just want you – can’t you just pick me up in the weekend so the two of us can have a day for us” W and I talked a little about D6 not having stated any feelings and perhaps they are surfacing now. I can see and feel D6s hurt and I have asked her several times so I hope she will open up now – she needs to address this.

I didn’t comment on the statements from D6 but tried to look at the big picture, kept my tone soft and voice calm, but it hurt me! D6 is hurting and I feel it, and at the same time W just seems so cold and calm, but still pleasant and nice. She seems so totally gone and she is!

After this talk about D6 she asked if I had received her email about the appointments and I told her yes. Then she asked what I thought about it and I told her that I didn’t answer because I wanted to talk about the exchange server. I explained calmly that I don’t know how I feel about her using this and she quite quickly stated that she will move it. Then I told her that I appreciate her sending me notes about what the Ds are doing.

Finally I told her not to make appointment in “my” time and she stated that she haven’t done this. I used the gym as an example of this not being totally true. I told her that I didn’t want to disappoint the children and that I hope she understands. It seems like she did but only time will tell.

I came out a bit weak in regards of her moving the exchange account but otherwise the talk went well – primarily because three ladies posted a lot to me while I slept. So this time preparing an email made a hard talk on the phone a lot better.

The talk was calm, relaxed and somewhat serious. I ended up wishing her a nice day and she send greetings from MIL. A talk like this kills some of my hopes and I need them back – they keep me strong for now!

Total call time: 8½min.

Sandi,

The main point is that she should not have access to your personal calendar.

Agreed, and I also agree to most of the rest in your last post. You are a strong woman with strong opinions and that comes through in your posts! Do keep it that way – it’s exactly what LBHs like me and many others needs. Do not doubt your wordings – I get you points and when I don’t I will ask you.
Still on the path set and one less issue to address

F

[lovethehub]

I didn’t comment on the statements from D6 but tried to look at the big picture, kept my tone soft and voice calm, but it hurt me! D6 is hurting and I feel it, and at the same time W just seems so cold and calm, but still pleasant and nice. She seems so totally gone and she is!

I know it hurts, my S almost always wants dad and always has (even when he was a little and most would want mom); however, if I look at it objectively I understand and I am grateful he has such a great R with his dad. D6 is young and hurting, it is natural for her to want mommy to help with the hurt and make it better.

Maybe W feels that way about you 'calm, but still pleasant and nice'. You do not know that she is totally gone, the ending is not determined.