Good post AS. And, to F, let me add this while we are on that subject about your W calling you and you being concerned about sounding cold to her. If she ever ask to meet "to talk" or if she ever gets over into the R talk, then by all means....listen to what she has to say and don't end the conversation.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for the kind words – mostly I feel I am in a good place and with my path so clear it is quite easy to make the right calls. Thanks both for putting me here!
In fact I don’t feel like reaching out right now. Off course it hits my mind to call her but it also hits my mind to call a friend. I do call the friend and simply leave W alone or call a friend instead. It doesn’t feel that hard but off course I miss the family. The reason I thought about the “cold” is only my everlasting thoughts of not damaging anything. I know by now that I can’t do right all the time but I try very hard not to do wrong – I hope that makes sense!
So Sandi, I will just keep doing exactly what I do! …and I do have the patience.
(To others reading: I changed her picture in my cell to one of the Ds laughing their but’s off – that has helped my PMA when she calls and the picture comes to the screen! Furthermore I have a little routine (two deep breaths, a major smile, think of something funny) before answering that also helps my PMA.)
Originally Posted By: Sandi
That is often when the WAW will take a temp check to see where he is emotionally.
How does a temp check look? How should I respond if it happens?
Originally Posted By: Sandi
If she ever ask to meet "to talk" or if she ever gets over into the R talk, then by all means....listen to what she has to say and don't end the conversation.
Got it! She hasn’t invited for some time now! Last thing about getting together was her telling my friend that she wasn’t pleased about me not visiting her house.
AS, thanks for clarifying! Especially the part about the WAW still being a WAW is good to keep in the back of my mind because I calculate that I will still have to treat her like a WAW….if this ever happens!
One more question I have some practical’s that need to be sorted out: 1. She is still using my exchange server and I wouldn’t give anybody but my W that credit. She is not my W so I want her out. This will be quite inconvenient for her! 2. We used heat for around 800$ when she lived here. I find it reasonable that she pays half. This will be quite inconvenient for her! 3. She still has some stuff in my house and it doesn’t seem like she is planning to move it. This will be quite inconvenient for her! 4. She took some books and a few other things that belongings to me when she moved and I would like them back. I have asked her twice for these items on mail. Last time she didn’t answer.
I have tried to write an email today but it comes out cold so I thought about calling her – but no calls! 1-3 will properly turn into an argument when brought up! Mindreading – YES! But based on experience! Is this something I should just bring up at some point when she calls me or should I go with the mail?
Thanks
F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
I posted 4 points yesterday that I need to get sorted out with W but I forgot one: Christmas
As you properly recall most my family is gone and therefore I am planning on speaking to neighbors about getting together for Christmas. I hope they will accept this.
I can’t speak to neighbors before W and I have sorted the Christmas planning out so I need to do this soon.
W has stated several times that she wants us to be together at Christmas evening but I don’t want that. I will need to address this also since W and I haven’t talked about how to handle the Ds at Christmas. I am quite sure that she will agree on me having them since S10 is here as well and the children should experience this together. At the same time she will NOT, in any way, be happy, discovering that I am planning in another direction than her.
I am not scared of this confrontation – I just want to play my hand as well as possible.
Any advice regarding this and the 4 point list from yesterday?
Thanks!
F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
F, you sound so well and positive. I am very pleased for you. Keep it going. Which I am sure isn't hard to do anymore.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Why do I get the feeling that sooner or later you will compile all the stats and come up with a DB formula?
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Thank for caring words! I am definitely up these days and feeling better and better.
HWA, Good to hear from you!! I do hope you will post soon about how the vacation is treating you?
Originally Posted By: T1000
Why do I get the feeling that sooner or later you will compile all the stats and come up with a DB formula?
Well, my dear T – that feeling properly origins from you thinking about doing exactly that! By the way: I am almost through Psycho-Cybernetics first time! That is a totally awesome book – thanks for recommending it! I will have to go through it several times to comprehend it, but it is GREAT!
Cease the day!
F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
W has stated several times that she wants us to be together at Christmas evening but I don’t want that.
Last Christmas my W wanted to do the gift exchange together and I didn't. Here's the bottom line- what do you think is best for your kids? For me I didn't really have to think long about it, clearly the kids would be happiest if we all got together and did the gift exchange and then had our traditional lunch. So that's what we did, and it went great.
W has stated several times that she wants us to be together at Christmas evening but I don’t want that.
Last Christmas my W wanted to do the gift exchange together and I didn't. Here's the bottom line- what do you think is best for your kids? For me I didn't really have to think long about it, clearly the kids would be happiest if we all got together and did the gift exchange and then had our traditional lunch. So that's what we did, and it went great.
It's at times like this where certain ideas clash in DB.
Right now F is NC with his W unless it's about the kids so his W can't cake eat. All being together for Christmas would be great for the kids and no doubt that is what they want. At the same time they would also probably like him to go over to his W's for dinner every time she invites him too.
He is trying to show her what life is like without him. He can't do that if they spend Christmas together.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
I get your point but tradition is somewhat different here! We celebrate Christmas in the evening on the 24. and gifts are after dinner! I don’t want to be around W for dinner, dance and a whole evening – furthermore I hope to spend the evening at my neighbors. Might be better for the children and it might not, but it won’t happen!
Even if possible, T1000 is spot on!
I am planning on seeing her and children at her place for an hour or two on the 22 or 23. december if that’s possible. Otherwise it will be after Christmas. This will only happen if I believe it will do my sit any good at that time.
Hope this makes sence!
Thanks for being here!
F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
He is trying to show her what life is like without him. He can't do that if they spend Christmas together.
Here is my take on this, and I believe it's consistent with DB'ing: if she never sees him then what exactly is it that she's living without? Out of sight, out of mind. In this context I firmly believe limited contact is much better than no contact. If the WAS sees a happy, healthy, independent LBS every now and then, they start to wonder what life with that changed LBS might be like. I don't remember zero contact being recommended in DR except in the "after the last resort technique", and in that instance MWD warns that it may lead to divorce.
