I finally received a text from my xh this morning...
"Hey I haven't forgotten about you. I am golfing in XXXX. Golfed yesterday also. Hope you are back on regular time. Can't wait to see you and hear about your adventures."
I have not replied yet...partially because I just don't know what to say. I'm annoyed. This is how he's making an effort to work things out between us? I would understand if he has plans if he would communicate that with me.
Do I just have my expectations set too high at this point?
Do I just have my expectations set too high at this point?
It isn't over until it is over, and we also get to decide on that one. I do not know about all MLCers, some sort themselves out and make things OK, many seem to want to sweep it all under the carpet.
It depends on you. After nearly 8 years, I am comfortable alone, and have no wish to spend time with a person who cannot even begin to address what they have done.
I get that it is painful for them, and I also get that it appears unless we accept them warts and all, we may not get a chance at marriage restoration.
I thought it all through, and then I thought 'I'll pass'.
Bu that is where I am now and my particular MLCer. If you want continued contact I would say, don't call him on this. As long as we don't do this, they seem to relate more and more to us.
Personally I have no regrets at having told my xh like it is, but I was clear that I am not really interested in rebuilding a relationsihp.
If you are interested in re-building a relationship with him then I would simply reply nicely . . . . He sounds LOT saner than my xh.
Hi bea- Part of my struggle is that it was over for me and my xh has to keep sucking me back in. I was finally happier and planning for my life without my xh. He, on the other hand, can't completely let me go. He continually does his touch and goes but can't really commit to anything. This time I was sensing something different. He apologized for blaming me for our problems and claimed it was his fault that we got to the place where we were. He acknowledged when he came back the last time, he wasn't really committed to the relationship. He claimed he wants to work things out...but the follow through still isn't there.
I've invested very little this go around so it's ok. It used to be that I would look to see where my xh was in the MLC process but I finally came to realize that there really is no way to figure that out. Still, even after his epiphanies and apologies, he still doesn't get it or he is still scared. Is he moving closer to acceptance? Probably but there are still no guarantees and I have no patience for this anymore. I don't want to settle for anything less than an equally caring relationship. After I've invested years trying to understand why this all happened, I've learned that you can figure out some things while other things you just have to accept for what they are. And right now, what my xh has to offer still isn't good enough for me. Could that still change?...possibly but my xh's track record doesn't make for very good odds.
I did give a somewhat generic reply to my xh's text yesterday and he did respond this morning. And on it goes...maybe....
So strange, I just reread some of the old thread I started on acceptance. It is crazy because it almost appears that history is repeating itself 3 years later. A lot has transpired in between including our reconciliation, our divorce and then another breakup...in that order! However, i am not in the same place. I am not looking to reconcile with this man...I've just been debating whether or not to give him an opportunity to prove that something has changed. I have to admit that my emotions still get stirred up but if I take a step back, I still see things for what they are. My xh still has a long way to go to be the man I need him to be...I'm not sure he'll ever make it...and if he does, I'm not sure where I'll be.
So if my xh is where he was 3 years ago and we did end up back together for only a year and a half, what would be different this time?
Upside - it is a good question - what would be different this time. A wise friend of mine told me that when they are done with MLC we will know. Their actions towards us will truly change.
If you thnk it is another 'touch and go' you are right to be cautious. We invest a lot of ourselves when we give these people another chance, because we do it wholeheartedly. To then find they were just testing the water is incredibly hurtful.
This last round, with my xh apparently being so friendly, I was super cautious, because I was suspicious, and rightly.
I do not think you need to do anything. Take your time in replying to anything he sends you, and watch and listen. As Snodderly says, the answers drop into our lap if we are stay quiet.
Ugh!!! My xh will make me crazy if I let him. Last week we met again for dinner. He said all these wonderful things getting my head spinning again. I started thinking maybe he’s finally getting through this and just maybe we can work things out. He said he wanted us to start spending more time together. I was out of town last again weekend and while I was gone, he was fairly consistent in texting me which made me believe his words could possibly be sincere. I have to admit my mind started going to places that I know it shouldn’t. I need to stay in the real world, which is, since I’ve been back, he has texted me a few times but made no mention of us spending time together this weekend (which he brought up before)…in fact, I have not even heard from him since yesterday morning.
I will not initiate contact with my xh…I just can’t. If he wants this, he has to make the effort. He has to prove himself and so far that isn’t happening. I’m sure when he contacts me, he will have some excuse about work or something but I can’t justify excuses anymore. I’m back to my mantra…I deserve better!
I just can’t understand this behavior. How can he talk about rebuilding a relationship and then nothing? Is this just another touch and go? Is he scared? Does he still not know what he wants?
Bea-You are so right about them testing the water is hurtful. I am being quiet...and, so far, the only answer I have is to stay on the road I've been on for the last year.
