Divorced-not done-But wondering ?

[JJAC2005]

Quandary?
Perhaps....a bit of how you view pursuit.

I was asked a while ago that if I still wanted to reconcile with my ex why didn't I just ask her or let her know my desires?
This is based I think mainly on the fact that I am in a unique situation of not sharing children with my ex....and she has really NO real reason to stay friends or in any type of friendly contact. The other main reason I am sure others have asked me to go ahead and let my position be know to my ex is that they think that I could stay in some sort of holding pattern of "hope" as life passes me by.
I try to assure those that share their concern for me, although greatly appreciated, I am well aware of moving on from a relationship, and moving ahead with my life.
And my life is moving ahead very well thank you...

I have been under the impression that from a DB standpoint, we are to avoid R talks, as to not look like we are pursuing the R
But after speaking with several Christian based organizations and professionals, they thought that I should at some point state my desire to reconcile, but to do it in a way as to not pressure for it...as in just being content to be in the moment and build on the friendship as it leads to a deeper trust in the desired change. But not in a way that would indicate that if we talked today, and dated next week, that it will all be a path for reconciliation....they just want the pressure taken out of it....but the desire to be known.

Does anyone have any input on this type of disclosure?

[MrBond]

"I was asked a while ago that if I still wanted to reconcile with my ex why didn't I just ask her or let her know my desires?
This is based I think mainly on the fact that I am in a unique situation of not sharing children with my ex."

It's not a unique situation. In fact you raised her D and son for most of their lives so you should have some kind of connection to her. I mean you do care for your step D and S right?

"The other main reason I am sure others have asked me to go ahead and let my position be know to my ex is that they think that I could stay in some sort of holding pattern of "hope" as life passes me by."

What have you been doing since your D? Have you not progressed in life? That is one thing that you shouldn't be doing. As long as she feels you will always be there, she will have no incentive to look back your way.

"I have been under the impression that from a DB standpoint, we are to avoid R talks, as to not look like we are pursuing the R"

Yes, but again, every sitch is different. If doing one thing hasn't produced any results, you do something different. Either way, don't put your life on hold for her.

"But after speaking with several Christian based organizations and professionals, they thought that I should at some point state my desire to reconcile, but to do it in a way as to not pressure for it...as in just being content to be in the moment and build on the friendship as it leads to a deeper trust in the desired change."

If you tell her that you want to reconcile, she will shut the door on you immediately. HOWEVER, if you contact her in a friendly manner to ask how your stepkids are doing and then slowly lead into how she's doing, you'll be able to get in that way. BUT be sure that if she asks you how you are doing, DO NOT tell her that you are hoping the two of you get together again.

"But not in a way that would indicate that if we talked today, and dated next week, that it will all be a path for reconciliation....they just want the pressure taken out of it....but the desire to be known."

Won't work. In fact it may take awhile for you to even get her to go out and have even coffee with her, so forget about a date.

"Does anyone have any input on this type of disclosure?"

Doesn't sound like closure to me. Anyway, you told her that you wanted to reconcile before and haven't said or done anything to prove anything else. What makes you think saying it again will help? All it will do is show her that you're still waiting for her like some weird stalker.

[JJAC2005]

Bond...
I agree...I have learned a ton since discovering DB....I just wish I could have held back on a few of my reactions to some of the positives that were begining to show back in May, June and July.
With each positive I saw...I ended up over thinking and over reacting to the point that it pushed the walls to go back up again.
I have honored her wishes and not sought out a play date or meeting to see the kids since my mishap on the luch date mid July...and the end of summer is officially coming up in a week, so I can wait that one out.

I really dont see that I have put my life on hold....except in the area of dating (but I am just not into anyone I have met, and still only want one woman)
I have made huge progress on - 180's - GAL - working out, running 5k's, training for triathlons, - working on getting back into a masters program - gaining more financial independence and security - I have become much more connected with getting back to church, God and actively practice my faith - plus I am feeling better about every aspect of my life....and really feel that I am a way better person for al that I have learned in the past year. I most definately am a way better version of the man I was when my ex first met and fell in love with me.
My plan was to wait til the first day of Fall to send her a little note to let her know that I admit my mistakes of adhering to her rules or conditions for interaction, and would like the opportunity to continue to see the kids on what ever terms she see's as nessasary for her comfort.
I want to assure her that my intentions to see the kids are strickly about them and about only wanting to stay a small part of their lives as they continue to grow into adulthood. it has nothing to do with her...only the kids and me.
I want to thank her for all that she has done in the past for allowing me the opportunity to have had them in my life to this point, and hope she can see the benefits of continuing to have an adult that cares for nad loves her children as much as she does...and wants to see them succeed in anything that they would like to try.

Sent from my iPad

[JJAC2005]

in other words....I have been dark since July
with No contact what so ever to the ex.....nor has she tried to send me any

[Live4myDay]

MrBond...I find your responses invaluable! I mean you put it out there and make you realize what is the root of what is going on in our minds.

Do you find there is a difference between the male vs female WAS in coming full circle and returning? I sometimes think the male is proud to admit what he did and come back.

I don't think JJ was saying he wanted closure as much as "disclosure". Putting it all on the table.

[MrBond]

"Do you find there is a difference between the male vs female WAS in coming full circle and returning?"

There are differences. Women tend to (not all) base things on more emotion than men. When women leave, many times they'll have a fall back plan like having someone to be with once they jump ship. Many times men would just leave.

Either way it really comes down to the individual. If they do the "work" on themselves and go through the trials they need to on their own, they will find out what they have. In any case, the revelation that they usually have to achieve is that their happiness resides in themselves and is not a result of external factors. Think about those times when you see a less fortunate family, but they are happy to be with one another compared to a rich couple who may have everything yet say they are unhappy.

Happiness is a state of mind you create yourself.

[JJAC2005]

First off all….Thanks for the comments
But I do think that there needs to be a few clarifications made with what my quandary was about.

Bond - Yes, you have some of the past history correct as in I was able to have a really good talk with my ex sometime back in the begging of June. (some sort of closure, some sort of an attempt to crack open a wall for opportunity).
I’m sure that she now only agreed to that meeting as to grant me some sort of closure, and to extend a bit of a peace treaty for interacting with the kids in the future. I think that the combination of space and persistence of checking in now and then was working to a certain degree.
I do believe that on that road trip, and during that conversation, at some point along the way she was genuinely took a small interest in listening to what I had learned about my role as a husband, partner and friend…she especially was receptive to my heartfelt honesty and apologies. I also think that as I talked about the interesting discoveries of the natural dynamics that seem all too common in divorced couples or those couples that are even thinking about it. I was fascinated with the male/female mindset and the ways in which we each feed that divisional process. I could see more than a few times, a light bulb went on…..but alas…the following days, weeks and months showed NO signs as to wanting to ask about more.
And After the Golf outing, I assume that her attempt at offering a friendship based on the most basic of premises, that we genuinely do enjoy each other’s company, and have a great time together. And I cannot be more clear on this, “We had a great day together that day”, it’s just too bad I got a little to tipsy and pushed for a kiss….
Now, I am almost certain that her feelings and behaviors influenced her distance after that as in how she expressed guilt about going golfing when she did in fact have a BF.
Since then, there has still been a handful of texts from her that were or could be somewhat misinterpreted as flirting…and it could be that she was just falling back into how she use to communicate with me…..but there has been NOTHING since my messing up the lunch date with the boys.

L4MD – [I don't think JJ was saying he wanted closure as much as "disclosure". Putting it all on the table.]

Correct…I am not looking for any more closure. I was looking for opinions on or examples for “disclosure” on letting your partner (or former in my case) know your desires for reconciliation.
BOND – ["I was asked a while ago that if I still wanted to reconcile with my ex why didn't I just ask her or let her know my desires?
This is based I think mainly on the fact that I am in a unique situation of not sharing children with my ex."]
[It's not a unique situation. In fact you raised her D and son for most of their lives so you should have some kind of connection to her. I mean you do care for your step D and S right?]

Yes, I help raise them…and I care for them deeply…in fact I know she believes in her heart that I did a very good job as a step-dad, and that I gave them a lot of unique experiences that they will always remember. Plus she knows just how much they mean to me and how much I love and miss them.

BOND – [What have you been doing since your D? Have you not progressed in life?
That is one thing that you shouldn't be doing.
As long as she feels you will always be there, she will have no incentive to look back your way. Doesn't sound like closure to me.
Anyway, you told her that you wanted to reconcile before and haven't said or done anything to prove anything else.
What makes you think saying it again will help?
All it will do is show her that you're still waiting for her like some weird stalker.]

As to the “holding pattern” remark or progress in life..…I’m ok with being a “stander”…..and my life is moving along nicely as to continuing to improve (still a slip here and there, but moving along). I’m hoping she has already noticed some things (which I had know she was looking at until going dark). Waiting hopefully, and patiently for a 2nd chance, is all up to the individual involved, but as long as you are continuing to move forward with a solid and productive life, it shouldn’t ever take on a “stalking” aspect. I am very confident that my actions and efforts in this area will start to increase curiosity…..especially with the reinstatement of privileges for spending time with the boy

BOND – [If you tell her that you want to reconcile, she will shut the door on you immediately.
HOWEVER, if you contact her in a friendly manner to ask how your step kids are doing and then slowly lead into how she's doing, you'll be able to get in that way.
BUT be sure that if she asks you how you are doing, DO NOT tell her that you are hoping the two of you get together again.]

I can see bits and pieces here….and I am not going to make some sort of announcement or declaration that I am not giving up at getting her back…I shouldn’t have to, because I know that she knows my heart. All I need to concentrate on is me and my life as good as it can possibly be!

Thanks again everyone for anymore input….

[MrBond]

"I am not going to make some sort of announcement or declaration that I am not giving up at getting her back…I shouldn’t have to, because I know that she knows my heart. "

So why did you ask ...
""But after speaking with several Christian based organizations and professionals, they thought that I should at some point state my desire to reconcile, but to do it in a way as to not pressure for it...as in just being content to be in the moment and build on the friendship as it leads to a deeper trust in the desired change.""
"Does anyone have any input on this type of disclosure?"

[JJAC2005]

I guess…I only asked because it seems to have that attraction of the romantic notions….and that just by hearing it, she will be able to connect the words with the actions. Plus I wanted to gather input…which helps facilitate learning and lesson the anxiety of doing the wrong thing

However, I get that there are 2 different views here……and I am just wanting to increase the odds!

[JJAC2005]

I do get it...though!

The actions should be the one thing that Speaks the Loudest!

and that is what got me to this point.....