Having an internal struggle between wanting to stay and wanting to leave. I just have a sick feeling in my stomach right now and do not feel well. Other days I feel fine, even great, with how things are. Things are improving between us, and we have been communicating SO much better. We are even spending more time together. Some of my original goals have been fulfilled. I think that we are handling situations better together, more as a team, and taking each other's feelings more into consideration.
Standing in a relationship is hard, and I definitely have so much respect for those that stand during tough times in order to save their relationship.
Some days it takes every ounce of strength to not yell at him that I want answers, or a divorce. My inside is screaming at me to leave, run, run, run, and let H have his freedom, and me mine. My head is telling me to wait it out and see what happens.
Things are getting better with us, but is it going to amount to anything, if he just doesn't have those feelings for me? Something tells me that once you lose that love for someone it is pretty hard to ever get it back. That is what I am struggling with most, that thought that he has lost the love, and what are the chances that he will get it back? I feel like I am the foolish, doting wife, to someone who will never care for me as he should.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
That is what I am struggling with most, that thought that he has lost the love, and what are the chances that he will get it back?
This is normal I think. I, and several others are struggling with questions like this right now.
I think it is entirely possible to get the "love" back, although it very well may look different than before, because both parties have changed. If the MLC'er has processed their demons, and also the LBS, then what "was" can be restored if even in a different flavor, with new understanding, etc.
I fear that my W will do what her Dad did, emotionally "check-out" for 20 years, but not "leave" leave, only to "return" when diagnosed with cancer. There is a family history there that nibbles at my mind. The thought of that and no intimacy for 20 years scares, and discourages, me. Many, many times I have thought "This is my chance to get away from this, the problems and issues, I have "full justification", why don't I take it and start over?"
But, I think of my best friend through teenage years and through early married days, we are in different parts of the country, rarely communicate, but when we do, that old connection and trust comes right back, though we are different people now. In matters of the heart, time doesn't seem to exist the same way as it does in "normal" time.
I think this is why the reconnection "stage" is so hard, you see the real person again, but they aren't quite all there consistently. You see the possibility, yet, we know now that possibility doesn't mean it will be.
Possible, but not guaranteed. Like most, if not al, things in life. And this is the big life lesson for us right there, reality, versus social programming.
As Snodderly says, sit quietly, go about your business, the answers will come...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Having an internal struggle between wanting to stay and wanting to leave. I just have a sick feeling in my stomach right now and do not feel well. Other days I feel fine, even great, with how things are. Things are improving between us, and we have been communicating SO much better. We are even spending more time together. Some of my original goals have been fulfilled. I think that we are handling situations better together, more as a team, and taking each other's feelings more into consideration.
Standing in a relationship is hard, and I definitely have so much respect for those that stand during tough times in order to save their relationship.
Some days it takes every ounce of strength to not yell at him that I want answers, or a divorce. My inside is screaming at me to leave, run, run, run, and let H have his freedom, and me mine. My head is telling me to wait it out and see what happens.
Things are getting better with us, but is it going to amount to anything, if he just doesn't have those feelings for me? Something tells me that once you lose that love for someone it is pretty hard to ever get it back. That is what I am struggling with most, that thought that he has lost the love, and what are the chances that he will get it back? I feel like I am the foolish, doting wife, to someone who will never care for me as he should.
Hi CP. I too feel like this at times. For me it comes and goes in cycles, maybe every 3-5 weeks or so. I know how hard it can be.
"Some days it takes every ounce of strength to not yell at him that I want answers, or a divorce."
This is a bad place to be. They can't give us answers because they don't have 'em. If pressed, their answer most likely would be "I don't have those feelings, and don't see how they can ever come back."
I know it's not easy, or always possible, but we have to find ways to be content with where we are, in limbo land... or bail out. Like you, I often find my limbo sitch quite tolerable. It seems the best choice for now. Sure, I'd be fine living by myself, but it would not be better than what we have now. Starting up with a new partner holds even less appeal. (unless it was with one of you fine DB ladies, of course!)
What changes can you make that will leave you more content with your life as is? This is what you need to search for and make happen. If H is to ever come back around, it will take time. In the mean time you have to live for you. Don't waste a day!
Finally, just knowing that I can pull the plug on this Limbo at any time helps me tremendously. We actually have a lot of power in all this, so don't feel foolish, or like a victim. You are doing right by your H, M, and the commitment you made. Be proud of yourself!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Well.. H just came home from work early to deliver the news that he wants to separate. So, off to see a lawyer as soon as possible, to figure out what is affordable for me. I feel so bad for my young children that their family is getting split apart. I don't feel the greatest myself either, I told him to leave and go back to work. I now have to confront all of the things I had been putting off in my mind.
H wants to be in the same house during the day until he finds a new place. I am not on board with that and told him that. Hopefully he can figure a way to give me the space I need.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
CP, my working hypothesis is that the 'love' is still there between my W and I, but we have relationship issues and she has MLC issues that is obscuring it. My view is we are waiting to rediscover the love that is already there.
Also, I like the rule of thumb of giving it at least 1 month for every year you've been together. You have 13 years together so wait 13 months, which for you seems to be March 2014.
FastCars.. I think you are right about the MLC thing clouding over everything for them. I am not going to hold onto any more hope for reconciliation though, I am going to move on. I will cross that bridge if we ever come to it, if he ever wants to work on things again. My guess is that by that point I will have moved on.
Thanks TSquared. Now I have to start thinking about logistics and how I am going to deal with the kids, house, finances, etc.
Also, I am going back to my old job in a couple of weeks, and my son will be starting daycare. I worry that all of this change is going to affect my children. They have just started going back to school. My 6 yr old girls go to school every day and my son goes every other day.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
I know exactly how you are feeling, and trust me the feeling won't last. You'll soon feel like a weight has been lifted because the uncertainty has gone. You can move on and yet still keep the door open should your H come to realize that he made a mistake.
Your kids need you to strong now more than ever. Continue to focus on yourself and them.
Both 50 S14 M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)
ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012 H moved out - 27 Jun 2013 Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013 Closing the door and changing the locks
Thanks NQ. In a way I do feel relieved that the uncertainty is gone. And perhaps I am better off without him.
I must admit I feel all alone all of the sudden. I don't have my mother to talk to and have no family in the city. Normally I would talk to H..ha! I think I will probably call my brother tonight and bring him up to speed with what's going on.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
I don't feel the greatest myself either, I told him to leave and go back to work. I now have to confront all of the things I had been putting off in my mind.