Thanks chl0901.. some highs, some lows this week, but overall better than it has been for quite some time! Yes, he is definitely being less awkward and there is less tension between us. Have a great weekend!
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
So for the most part things have been going good. H no longer seems to be in a depressed mood/state all the time. He appears to be much happier. We have been spending a lot more time together.
I've been helping him work in the basement putting up insulation. Yesterday he told me that once the drywall is all up he is going to take a break from working on the basement for a while. What??! We have all the items for him to keep working, but for some reason now he wants to take a break from working. Of course, I feel like, what is going on? Is this good or bad? Does it have anything to do with us? Things are so up in the air right now. Perhaps he really does want a break so he can spend more time with his family.
And of course he hasn't told me whether he wants to keep on with me, or separate I know these kind of things take time, but this is making me feel so anxious and upset. I am not very good at detaching or not thinking about everything all the time.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
I actually think its good that he is taking a break from a project. Support his decision, pamper him. He is headed in the right direction, go easy on him.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
CP, don't read too much into him taking a break. I was just reading your last two weeks of posts, and I think that you are about 2 months behind me. I have only just started feeling 'detached' from my W. I no longer obsess about what she is doing or not doing. It's a good feeling. Give it time and you'll get there. You'll worry less about things like him stopping work on the basement.
So for the most part things have been going good. H no longer seems to be in a depressed mood/state all the time. He appears to be much happier. We have been spending a lot more time together.
Same here with my W: Less depression. -It does make things a little easier for us.
Originally Posted By: chasingpavements
And of course he hasn't told me whether he wants to keep on with me, or separate I know these kind of things take time, but this is making me feel so anxious and upset. I am not very good at detaching or not thinking about everything all the time.
He can't tell you because he doesn't know himself. On the other hand, he's still there, right?
It's ok to think about "everything all the time", (I do) as long as you can be at peace with the way things are. Find a way to accept the new normal. Make changes if you need to. Live your life and enjoy it.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I actually think its good that he is taking a break from a project. Support his decision, pamper him. He is headed in the right direction, go easy on him.
BklynMom, I am glad you wrote that and I think you are right! A huge issue for us right now is that we seems to be at odds with each other about EVERYTHING! Whatever stance one of us makes about a decision, the other one will usually take the OPPOSITE stance, it seems. No wonder we do not feel like much of a team at all! I will try to support his decisions regarding the basement from now on. (and try not to worry so much about his motives for everything).
I think that a 180 for me would be to go along with more of his ideas.. hopefully one day he will return the favour to me and be more supportive of me and my ideas/decisions.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
CP, don't read too much into him taking a break. I was just reading your last two weeks of posts, and I think that you are about 2 months behind me. I have only just started feeling 'detached' from my W. I no longer obsess about what she is doing or not doing. It's a good feeling. Give it time and you'll get there. You'll worry less about things like him stopping work on the basement.
Thanks FastCars. I am actually glad that he is going to take a break on working on the basement. It will mean that he will have much more time to do family things with us, and help out around the house. Over the past couple of months I had been taking care of most meals, and watching the children, all while he worked away in the basement. For the past few weeks though, he has been helping around the house so much more, it feels great!
We have a lot of good things going for us right now. I still feel sad every so often, and have feelings of wanting to leave once in a while, but what I need to do is keep remembering how far we have come since BD in February. We have a LONG way to go yet, but at least things have gotten better.
I have read through your recent posts and you are doing so good at detaching.. what is your secret? I think I am getting a bit better. For me I do a lot better job at detaching now that he is not acting so depressed and moody. It is SO much easier now that he is acting a bit more like his old self, although I know he is still uncertain about everything.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Things have really shifted in a positive way for us in the past 3 weeks or so. I am not sure of the reason for this change, but I feel a lot better. H's mood has improved considerably and he has been slowly starting to be around more around the house, doing family things with us. Over the summer we did not do any family trips or vacations. He took the kids camping a few times without me, and the idea of that really bothered me, to not be included, and feel left out.
But things have changed and and we have starting going on little family outings again and it really is a great feeling. Also, the constant tension between us seems to be gone, and we are more comfortable around each other.
My counsellor asked me what I think the reason for the shift was. I am not sure, but she thinks that perhaps he has started to notice that the changes I am making are sticking.
We also had a great breakthrough regarding my job search!! H emailed me to say that I needed to go back to work. It felt like he was forcing me to do so. I understood his feelings, that we need extra money, but I felt so angry at the way it felt like he was being 'demanding'. Then I found a part time job that I was really excited about, that I thought I would really enjoy, and he didn't want to even have a discussion with me, because he only wanted me to go back to my old job. He thought the part time job would not bring in enough money.
Then, he seemed to have a change of heart, and he even helped give me some ideas of what to do at my part time job interview. He helped me prepare for it, and then even drove me to the interview and then we went to the beach afterwards as a family. I almost had a heart-attack!
I didn't end up getting the job, as they ended up giving it to someone who wanted full time hours. I thought I did really well in the interview, and I was glad that in the end H supported me.
At home after I found out I didn't get the job, he went back to saying that I should go back to my old job. So I said to him, "I would like you to speak to me as if I was a friend of yours, and that you were interested in my well-being." And then we actually had a rational discussion, and he thought of job some alternatives for me, and even helped me look on job websites for a new job!!! It was as if something shifted for us and we were able to communicate.
And for me, just knowing that H was able to support me in the end, gave me the peace of mind that I had been looking for the whole time, just the need to be heard and understood. I called my old work back and I am returning to my old job in a month. Now, because H and I ended up having a fair discussion, I do not resentful to him at all about having to go back to my old job.
So I think that is a breakthrough for us!
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
That's great news CP. It's really nice to see some good news on here, and reading your good news has helped me feel better. I can't say I've had any good news in my sitch but it definitely helps knowing that there are people who do.
Just remember to not rush things and to keep on DBing for yourself.
Take care.
Both 50 S14 M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)
ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012 H moved out - 27 Jun 2013 Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013 Closing the door and changing the locks
I know these kind of things take time, but this is making me feel so anxious and upset. I am not very good at detaching or not thinking about everything all the time.