Divorced-not done-But wondering ?

[JJAC2005]

On another note....you asked me what my goals are?

The main goal is for me to Become a Better Version of the guy that my ex fell for in the beginning of our relationship....to Become the kind of husband only a fool would walk away from.

And you know what....I'm getting closer each and every day! ;-)

[Live4myDay]

JJ, thanks for the update. I was worried that my post got a little to personal and interrupted your post.

I never realized how many people have to go through this. If 50% of marriages end in D then at least half of those people are going through the same type of endings.

The goal to become a better vision of you when they fell in love in the beginning may be different now for them. 21 years later I think my X is looking for something that "he" always wanted to be. But in many ways I was like the person he is with now...only she has no kids no baggage that I know of and is free to do what ever wherever etc. Doesn't have the 21 years of history of ups/downs with each other and various elements that contribute such as kids, money, business, families, dying parents, handicap daughters, etc.

The best me is living my life as a happy, joyous, grateful, loving, God fearing, compassionate, open, honest me...so much more to me.

I don't think X will ever see that side of me again. I want to read the book "I do again" been to 2 different stores and neither had it. Have to order online. I do feel so hopeless when it comes to R especially with OW in picture.

I know I am the kind of wife only a fool would walk away from. I stepped up to the plate and am making a life for my D and I without him. He see's it all differently... I just want him to see the real me again not the contrived person he wants me to be to justify his leaving.

How do you get to the point of the better version without her even noticing or looking?

[JJAC2005]

L4MD
I hear you...and truly feel your pain! I am sorry that you are going thru this w/o as much as a smallest little contact now and then from your ex.
I see that there are a lot of things that DB refers to as trying as LRT and I am too much of a new-be in the ways of DBing, to accurately give you advice on what you could change or continue to try that might bring about some sort of interest or dialog.
I have heard a nice catch phrase a little bit ago...as I did it w/o knowing what I did, but I was/am disrupting the disruption.
I am doing this by not doing what the ex is really expecting me to be doing....as I had been dropping into contact every now and then with an email, or a short little text about every3-4 weeks....but I haven't done or made any attempts at contact for almost 7 weeks now.
I feel conflicted some days, but more often I have been feeling almost liberated from some of that attachment that went along with it.
I may not be correct on this, but your situation sounds more like MLC now than WAS...so you might want to do a bit more research in that area.
I have some of that going on, but still get the feeling that I am dealing mainly with a WAW situation.
So, if you are feeling already that you are the kind of wife only a fool would walk away from ...Id say you already have a one up on the OW...besides that, you said it yourself...you have a rich history and life together with your ex that she cant ever have those same life experiences...especially if they only get together a few times a month.
I know that the counseling/coaching isn't cheap, but after the first few sessions you get a direction and goals laid out enough to set it up as a tune up now and then for you as you need it.
How do I get to where I am better, and get her to notice...I'm not 100% sure on that yet....but I have work to do...I know that shes not going anywhere soon, and if I need to put it out there in a more direct way, I am not opposed to doing it...I mean at that pint you still have a 50/50 chance it working, and If it doesn't work at all, you still have planted some seeds to grow.

[JJAC2005]

Also...I found this interesting

Statistics Regarding Restored Marriages

Statistics for restored marriages, where ex-spouses remarry each other, may be somewhat surprising. While statistics in Psychology Today suggest that 67% of second marriages and 73% of third marriages end in divorce, things seem to go a little better for people who remarry their spouses.
Reunited

Dr. Nancy Kalish has researched rekindled romances since the early 1990s. Her research focuses on ex-boyfriend and girlfriends who reconnect with lost partners after a five-year break. The first phase of her research, which ended in 1996, consisted of approximately 1,000 survey respondents. In the end, Kalish found that overall, 72% of reunited partners stayed together.

Remarriages After Divorce

Kalish is not the only individual who researched remarriage statistics. Michele Weiner-Davis, who holds a Master of Social Work and who has received awards from the Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, operates the Divorce Busting center. She has investigated remarriage between spouses and has said that as many as 10% of divorced spouses remarry.

[Live4myDay]

JJ, I got the book "I do again" and I can't put it down...it is sooooo everything to the tee except kinda role reversal. He found someone else. Well and the fact our D was in horrific life threatening accident that catapulted me back into relationship and him immediately out of it.

Haven't gotten to the meaty stuff yet about the in between years, Seems long and time is all I've got right now.

Praying that he'll come around for all the right reasons.

What about you? any encouraging contact?

[JJAC2005]

Nothing yet....and really nothing planned until the official end of Summer when the punishment is lifted.
All in good time....as the more I show her respect and honor her requests, the more trust I can regain....the more trust regained....hopes that eventually leads to more contact. The boy and I are looking fwd to getting together...of course I will invite the daughter to join, but so far she hasn't made any move to want more contact...hope it's more her age than something else. The boy says that she did mention missing me a few times but they are fighting more than talking the past few months...typical teens.

I just sat down to look thru my latest book purchase as I picked up 3 new ones from the Smalley Relationship Center "Winning your wife back before it is too late" and "Men's Relational Toolbox" and "If Only He Knew, what no woman can resist"

[JJAC2005]

L4MD....I love that book.
I have used it as a springboard of inspiration at some very dark times....
I also think that it gave me so much more than hope for a restored marriage, it brought me closer to understanding what God intended for us as a husband and wife.

Stay positive...stay inspired....stay true to yourself!

[Live4myDay]

JJ...ok finished the book. Well I have to say that the beginning of the realization of their emotions and what they were dealing with and the way things spun out of control was sooo on target. I mean I kept thinking I should send a copy of book to my X just so he could process it all and understand it.

I do not have young kids and we are not in each others lives. If he has those feelings of somethings not right I don't think he will ever reflect that it's our M. Like the woman in book he is in lala land with the throughs of a new relationship. Soulmates. I always tell him to find God again. It's a path he has to take to find us again.

I know he's mentioned to D how he goes to church when he can and is doing his own reflection, but like the book the OW calls and it's like a drug addiction and he runs away from what is hurting him the most.

I just wish I had kids to secretly plant ideas and thoughts of R into his mind. I mean I do have kids and I'm working on my GAL and 180s and all and those are the seeds...patience right?

I just feel he's missing out on so much with D and S in these young adult years and he manages to convince himself that he has as much contact as he needs to. There's nothing that could keep me away from them.

Just recently an incident came up with my sister contacting my X in regards to money situation and told X she didn't ask for the money hoping that he would see his D more since it's so hard because we live so far apart.

It ended up my D told her dad that it's ok you don't visit cause if she was in college and in a normal body person he wouldn't be visiiting as much anyway.

Argh!! I said but your not in that position!!! You still need your dad to be here for you. It's like she protects him or helps to justify it.

Anyway, I agree with what you wrote about the gaining trust and earning respect which may lead to other things. I think that is how I'm handling it. Just being all that God wants and asks us to be.

I've been reading alot on obidience to the Lord. and well this trial I'm going through says alot. These past 4 years since accident has brought me closer to God and like the book...he should have always been 1st.

How's your weekend going?

[JJAC2005]

Hey there girl....
nice of you to drop me a note...I was looking for it! ;-)
Well..honestly my weekend could be going better...LOL
I'm working...all WEEKEND.....as I just changed spots for someone on the day shift.
I was thinking of you and the book the past few days.
Glad you enjoyed it...hopefully it puts a new perspective on the word "patience"
Believe me when I say this…it’s the number 1 thing I have had to learn (and am still learning) thru this entire experience….
Here is a good example of being human….or recognizing we are human…with a unique ability to apply reasoning skills to our behaviors and emotions.

You know the rational for leaving it alone……giving it time..….giving it space…..letting things heal over if you will.
All of the detachment helps us way more in the end…but we have to relax enough to allow for that to take place.
On the flip side of that mind-set you tend to get anxious as you don’t know if that letting it be will do anything more than gently increase the distance between you and what our/ your heart truly wants.
You want so badly to speed up that process….this pain you have, hurts like nothing you could have imagined hurting you before. (And its constant)
You want another chance….long for it……dream of it……pray for it…and prepare for it like nothing you have ever done compares to its importance…..and you know without a doubt that if they could…if they only would, take a look at what you/we have discovered….BAM…it would change everything!
Not so easy…and definitely not so fast….we had to come to this learning for a reason….lets take this lesson in and make sure that it’s the life changer that we need it to be.
If they notice…it will really peak their curiosity….if not, it becomes another lesson that they learn from not wanting to know more about loving better…deeper….and stronger than ever before.

Like I was saying I picked up the Love Dare the other day....very interesting that I had that exact same book in my handsonly a few years ago....hmmmm....makes you wonder, nod doesnt it?

[JJAC2005]

BTW....the very first chapter in the Love Dare....relates directly to patience!