Good stuff Hurt84 -- if you are living the advice you'd give someone else, then you are being true to yourself. It's easy when we are so close to a situation to kid ourselves. If you can step back and look at the facts as a third party would it can be a good exercise.
One observation I would offer -- living the way you are living is very hard on your emotions and self esteem. Make sure you are practicing adequate self care -- that may require you to get some physical distance to get yourself centered.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Knowing what to do and doing what you know are two entirely different things. I still have a ways to go to follow all of the advice I'd give.
I was actually thinking if it got to the point where I couldn't take much more at home and needed a break that I'd take a week or so from work and just go either stay with some friends out of town or out to our friend's parents lake house a couple hours away - they are never there. Just to get away from it all for one thing and two, to see how she reacts to it. I'm not there yet and really don't want to be but if I keep jumping to conclusions about another OM I just might have to do it.
Otherwise, I'm eating and physically active - I signed up for a 5k on Labor Day last night. It's just sharing the house with someone that isn't there emotionally really stinks..again.
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
I'm not sure how well this will go over but does anyone have some simple suggestions for taking my mind off things with W? I'm doing my best to GAL but even when I'm off doing my own thing, I'm constantly thinking about my situation with her.
Last night was her trip to Atlantic City. She went dark for a good 18 hours or so while down there. I see how she is when we're together and she has no problem taking or making calls, texts, etc to her friends. Obviously, I'm not on that same level as them where she would reach out to me unprompted but it definitely makes you feel a little snake-bit to be an afterthought.
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
If it's any consolation I feel the same when H doesn't talk to me. I had a bad week last week with no contact with him and his nasty text he sent me. But that's not helping your sitch! What helped me was a good day out at the music festival with my friends and my son It helped me take my mind off my sitch and when H text me later, I wasn't that bothered whether he'd phoned or not. I don't know if it was because I had NC for a week that helped me, going out with friends, posting on here or a combination of all three I think if you have a good night out with some friends of your it may help at least for a few hours It is very hard having NC with them, I know I've been there and I'm sure a lot more have on here! Other than that I really don't know what to suggest, sorry It's just another ride on the old roller coaster I'm afraid! All I can say is that it does get better I only had to wait a week before I felt better, so not long at all. Just keep up the PMA, keep GALing, Keep up with the 180s, talk to a counsellor if you need to and look after yourself
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
Hurt, GALing is the best way. Keeping yourself as occupied as you can with something - exercise, new hobby, old hobby, friends, something you always wanted to try but haven't. I've found that I tend to think more about my sitch when I'm sitting around doing nothing.
None of us like being "Option B" but unfortunately that's where a lot of us are right now. You need to concentrate on yourself. You need to accept that you cannot fix your sitch by constantly thinking about it, and besides that will only make you feel worse. And you need to accept that nothing is going to change overnight. You are in for a long, bumpy ride. You'll have good days and bad days - we all do.
Both 50 S14 M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)
ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012 H moved out - 27 Jun 2013 Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013 Closing the door and changing the locks
So I confirmed there's another OM. I'm not proud of it but I figured it out from snooping on her phone and Facebook. When she didn't come home one night a few weeks back - she stayed with him. When she went to Atlantic City earlier this week - she shared a room with him and a few other people. She has plans to go out Friday night - she's expecting to get "peer-pressured" into staying at his place.
It's not that I didn't already suspect it or assume it to be the case - I pretty much knew right away but wasn't looking to confirm it. Now that I know again, what does it really change?
-- I have a wife that wants a divorce -- She hasn't given me any inclination that she's wavering on that front or willing to take time to sort through things -- This isn't her first affair (if I can even call it an affair at this point since we've been basically in a live-in separation for close to 6 months) -- She doesn't see our relationship more than something on a piece of paper. -- When she came home after her first affair, as happy as I was that she was home, I was too afraid to initiate contact or anything with her for the 6 months or so things were "good", fearing that she wasn't ready or would reject the overture. -- What affection or attention she didn't get from me she's obviously trying to get from someone else. -- Even with her first OM out of the picture, I still managed to push her away towards this new OM. He only came into the picture in the last 3 weeks, when things started turning for the worst again. -- He more likely than not will not be going away with the summer renters this weekend, I think he's got a year-round rental.
What good would confronting her do? She's already detached and probably just waiting for me to have enough and give her what she wants.
What's sad is that I'm still attracted to her and still would do anything in my power to make it work. Surprisingly he's been more pleasant with me the last couple days than she had been the last week or so. I've put on the biggest mask I can to keep up the good front and to try not let what she's doing affect our interactions.
This post is mostly me venting. I'm working on GAL and 180s (she wants to come to my 5k Monday) but confirming this and thinking about her constantly is tough. It's like I'm back where I was 18 months ago. Frustrating...
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
Hi Hurt, vent away we've all been in the same position at some stage. You need to concentrate on yourself and look after yourself and your health. You know that you shouldn't have been snooping, but it's too tempting isn't it? If you hadn't been snooping, then you wouldn't have known about this OM. I had this problem with H a couple of weeks ago and although it was all innocent on his part I had to delete him off FB to stop myself from snooping. I've not been to look at his page since I just want to let him get on with it now and get it out of his system. That's all they need to do is get it out of their system. The "affairs" are just them thinking that the grass is greener on the other side. They will know eventually that this isn't the case! Take care of yourself and speak soon
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
You didn't push her to OM, she chose it. She never really came back. Relationships need balance to survive and she has not been making the deposits needed to make you feel whole.
The way you are living is hurting you and preventing progress. You need to back away so she has space to move back toward you if she is so inclined.
You must get emotional and physical distance and you will feel better. Once you feel better you can pursue the road back
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I totally agree with Accuray. Hurt, it is hard to do it since you and your W are still living in the same house. I have experienced the same problem. Even I tried to do something by myself, still there are many times I cannot keep thinking of my H and our R. It did drive me crazy... But we have to become stronger and stronger. I'm sharing a big mistake I made last night. He will go somewhere this long weekend and rejected to tell me where he will go. I felt so hurt. But I think I must be ridiculous and crazy last night. Instead of expressing my anger and pain, we were just talking about buying new furniture for our house. This erased all my prevoius do180 effort......
M 18 yrs 5 & 7 yrs old kids H DB in 4/2013 H moved out in 11/2013
It helped me take my mind off my sitch and when H text me later, I wasn't that bothered whether he'd phoned or not.
It's just another ride on the old roller coaster I'm afraid! All I can say is that it does get better