Divorced-not done-But wondering ?

[Live4myDay]

JJ...wow. I needed to hear that. You are so much further along than me. I'm printing what you posted to add to my book to reflect upon. I need to get to the place where you are at. I tell myself all the time, I'm not his wife anymore. he is not my husband.

I would hope that my memories have meaning, more so than his new ones with OW. He has torn me down so much and replaced everything good about us with tainted memories of his creation. He makes his life out with OW to be all that and how we could have never been anything more.

Who knows maybe it will come full circle. I pray. Sometimes I think this is God's plan to move on and He has someone else is in His plan for me. Then I think that this man I married was the plan...will always be the plan. He hates divorce and my XH has chosen a different path by his free will. Will he ever find me again?

Detachment is so dead on...but so hard to accept. That's where faith comes in. You can't go wrong in praying for what God has in his plan.

I don't know. Honestly, if he came back tmr I would have to try to R...but as my kids tell me...would you really want him after everything he's done to you? Like the prodigal son...I would have to believe in love.

Just they the X are searching for something that was right in front of them all along... love and 2 amazing kids and amazing families (his and mine) all for what?

I just have to pray and believe in something. I will keep reading your post, because you have truly helped me realize I have so much more work to do on me.
Thanks.

[JJAC2005]

L4MD...
Glad you can take a few of my words and put them to use....honestly, I have to remind myself to practice what I am learning almost daily.
I have to admit, I still have a lot of peaks and valleys on my emotions....one of my biggest hurdles is/was that I don’t have children with my ex...and she really doesn’t have a reason to stay in contact. And if you have read any of my early sitch, I was really close with my step kids, but my ex wasn’t allowing for any contact until just this past June...lots of confusion has taken place on that issue alone.
Which I guess if you think about it, when she has contacted me or returned contact, it could/can always be taken as a good sign.

I did want to say that I have a few other sources of inspiration…. after I was given a copy of a book "I Do Again" and from there basically have given a lot of my worries/problems up to God.
I also have been working with a coach for a plan of action and feel that it helps, but there are still conflicting thoughts on how best to proceed....I know you have read this a lot around here, but the biggest thing is practicing patience…I know of 2 success stories thru a friend, and 2 personally where the individuals were divorced, and remarried their ex’s
I know its hard…incredibly hard at times….I still feel so married in my heart, and I want my family back more than anything.
But believe me, until my ex recognizes that she really does miss me and that I have a great deal of value to add to her life…I don’t see me getting a second chance anytime soon.
That’s exactly what I use to keep me motivated until then…
I know that her current situation cannot be sustained for another year without some sort of “trouble in paradise”
But in the slim chance that she and her current BF do work out…I am detaching enough to make my own progress even greater and more impressive w/o her
“We all should be striving to be the kind of spouse only a fool would leave” as this is what will make any future relationship successful!
Hope your days are getting better….note to yourself that it’s ok to feel the pain now and then….we all have ups and downs!
Peace Be With You….

[Cadet]

it’s all about how much pain I caused her to feel in her heart….and that wound still needs time to heal.

Why do you think this is about YOU?

Dont you think she had something to do with this too?

You are correct that she needs to heal.
But they are not injurys that you caused.
You maybe just did not let them heal on their own.

Make sense?

[JJAC2005]

Why do I think its about me?
Honestly, I don't think that it is 100% me...however, looking back I can see that a lot of my actions (mostly unintentional, and stupidity based) were damaging enough to erode the trust she had given me to not hurt her.
From there it was all about the eventual breakdown in all the classic forms....

My wants/desires/feelings are seemingly pretty well known now, and due to my not so gallant attempts at staying composed when seeing progress, my ex has really been busy building up walls, and repairing the cracks I had just begun to see openings in at the begging of the summer.

I understand that my ex has her own views, her own demos, her own injuries to address....and giving her that time and space will be good for that.
But I know you are right on when you imply that I may have tried to help them heal more rapidly....I am a fixer by nature, and I hate to see someone I love in pain if I can help (especially if I feel responsible).
I am learning though, and found a great short clip for men to watch giving a great lesson on just letting their partner figure it out. If this link doesn't work, Google "it's not about the nail" Jason Headley (on you tube)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg

[Live4myDay]

JJ, i don't understand at this point what a coach is doing? Please explain. I feel that my X is so far gone with no contact. Is this something I should be doing? Has this helped?

[JJAC2005]

L4MD
Are you asking what a coach can do for you at this point, or as far as what the coach is doing for me in my situation right now?

What is you goal....? Your life goal?

[Live4myDay]

JJ, Well, I know for me it's a long way off before he even can see me again...so I'm doing my GAL, PMA, 180's...working on me stuff. I suppose that's what the coach is helping you with? I mean I have no contact with X...a very few exceptions, such as asking me about cremation bill regarding our dog.

He doesn't ask or want to know about me (guilt, shame, too hurt, i don't know) but honestly he acts as if he's all ok with everything and mature about it all. Still very angry with me and can't look me in eye when we do run across each other which is about twice a year.

I just hope he may hear of how wonderful I'm doing through my friends family and possibly mutual friends on facebook. It just doesn't seem to phase him.

If and I mean if, he ever thinks about us, it will be 20 years down the road as he is in love with this OW. As he told my parents they are compatible and have so much in common. I expect now they will marry at some point. It's been going on 3 years with long distance relationship...every visit is a honeymoon.

Not sure how a coach could help me on this...

My goal...I'd like for him to see me as the person he fell in love with. He made me into such a monster, such a horrible person compared to his new soulmate. He's told me, I don't like who you are as a person. A lot of very hurtful things. I've slowely gained "respect" from being the caretake of our D. But I'm a mom and he still has a lot of faults with that (being an enabler and not helping her independence). Things of which he has no idea what goes on since he is a Holiday dad visiting twice a year.

Anyway, my goals to achieve this would be:

1. Live my live as Assertive, Independent, self-assured person

2. learn to communicate and present myself in the above manner without the sarcasm, blame, victimization, etc.

3. become more healthy through cooking (D already lost 20 lbs.) I'm a GREAT cook but to him I don't cook healthy. He's all into eating healthy now with OW.

4. become more athletic. I used to bike to work and ride 30 miles a day, etc. You know with kids, job, lifestyle, it became harder and harder to have time for me. Now just as hard as I care 24/7 for D. but I have to make it work, for me! I want to lose weight in the process and go for trail hikes and ride bikes again. I joined a dragon boating club. things like that I used to be a part of.

5. Financial independence. I do accounting bookkeeping for a living but never made time to keep our personal finances in order. He didn't help either. We lost everything after D accident, house, car, truck, credit, business, etc. Blamed me for all of it...took some of the credit but mostly me because I had worked for our business for 10 years. When market bottomed out and couldn't stay a float, it was my fault. I just started Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University classes WITH my D. She's 22 and I want her to learn about her own money.


Ok...my life goal, once I achieve my 180's:

1. D independence. Not out of my life but where she can live on her own whether with hired help, or a relationship.
2. Companionship/Friendship
3. Financial Stability

I would love nothing more than to grow old together with my X and have our family D and S and their families together. Reconciled with both sides of families and mature the love we truly have for each other.... yeah and cinderella lived happily every after.

If not X, I know the kind of person I want to be with. Not searching but eventully I feel God will lead me to him...I pray it's my X.

I don't know how that will ever happen. I have nothing but love for him, yet his R with OW is starting to eat away at me. My sister said I need a rebound...someone to take my mind away from him and put back on me.

What do you think? I know pretty long and not meaning to hack, but honestly, how can coaching DB help me now going 3 years divorce with no contact?

That's why I asked you...you may have more contact on a monthly even weekly basis so there are instinances, but what can I do? but patience patience patience and wait for him (WAS not so much MLC) to get his heart broken by OW. I don't see it happening. And when I do become the BEST me that only a fool would leave... He'll be happy for me. Is it possible to change that around? Not when you're invisible and buried while OW on pedastyle.

[Live4myDay]

Can someone please add to my reply? How can a coach help at this point?

JJ, how often do you talk to your coach and what are your goals?

[JJAC2005]

Well, as far as I know, or have learned about the process so far….everything is pivotal on how well we continue to live without our spouses…and that includes everything that we need to do “just for ourselves”.
We can always remain hopeful that they notice and want to try again, with a new and improved us….because we didn’t want that other relationship either, we were as tired and frustrated about things (perhaps not exactly the same things) as they were, and we just didn’t know what else to do at the time.
Tragically you and I (as well as others in our same sit), were very unfortunate in our situations to have found the tools to repairing and recovering our marriages before our divorce, and saw the other person moving on w/o us….the good thing about it…and probably the best thing of all is that we learned and continue to learn…we learned so much about ourselves, about others, about relationships, about struggles and joys, and about the realities of how a loving marriage can be when you.

As for the Divorce Busting counseling/coaching helping me and my situation, I believe that its pretty tailored to the individual situation, however the same basic principles are always followed…and that is developing a stronger, better more confident and consistent version of yourself.
I don not have any consistent contact…and it dropped off the grid completely since mid June….so basically I haven’t spoken/emailed/or text to or from my ex in over 6 weeks.
I don’t know what she may have been thinking over the past few significant dates in Aug….I can only hope that she had some sort of positive memory pop up when our anniversary came…or perhaps a tinge of sadness at the divorce date being a full year now.
I will continue to keep the path clear for that return home, if that is where she find herself wanting to be down the road…I will also continue to periodically ask about seeing the kids or doing a lunch or some other sort of get together activity. I know that the boy cannot wait for the end of summer to have our restrictions lifted so we can see each other.

As to DB coaching for you…I am sure that they would be able to give you a much more positive outlook on what you can try…at the very least, they will be able to help you assess what you need to do for yourself….they are very wise on these matters….and also very compassionate.

I want to thank you for your patience…I know you may have been looking for a reply a lot sooner than this….I didn’t forget, I was just attending to a few other things and wanted to sit and write after I had had time to get back to you w/o distractions.
Also thank you for the compliments on how well I am doing…it means more than you know, especially when I don’t notice it as much as others do….I will admit I still have some very weak moments on missing my wife and family, and from what I can tell, its still pretty normal. I try to use those moments as motivation and continue to get back on my way to a better life for all of us!

[JJAC2005]

LFMD...

I would call or write an inquiry letter to DB to get a little more feedback on how specifically they can help you and your situation…
From my perspective, the coaching has been a huge part in saving me from imploding in the wrong direction…and its been used with a combination of things that aids me in keeping on tract with my goals….
I also have to add that I had to re-read the book again….as well as I keep my faith to God and add prayer to my daily routine. There are a few other stories on Youtube about others that have “divorced and remarried” and I used that term to search for them.
My most positive role model is the story of “I Do Again”, by Jeff and Sheryl Scruggs.

I hope you have some luck….I know its tuff to stay positive, but keep your chin up, you are worth it!