BA, Terrific report and I certainly wish you the best with Barbara. So far, sounds very healthy which is ultimately what we are all searching far.
I also agree that you need to be 100% on all levels; I've yet in almost two years to have that experience. So, as wii pointed out, it is probably something in me as well. I'm working on that! I do know when I am settling and I would be with Dave. I mean, I really want someone who is fun and playful and flirty and he just is not that way. The good news is, he gets to be exactly who he is. I guess another 'take away' from my marriage is that I tried to mold my xh into the person I wanted him to be and I can't do that this time. I take him exactly the way he is or I move on. Even a year ago I would have tried to do the same thing, so I'm growing in that aspect.
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
Thanks GG. Sorry your Dave isn't working out - I guess all of us Dave's aren't perfect afterall!
So yesterday I met Joan again. She's definitely an 80 percenter. I think where she is lacking in the 20% category is that she comes off as being a little bit selfish and caught up with herself. She has made a couple of comments about how inconvenienced she is in regard to her children interferring with her life which is totally opposite from how I am with my kids. So I'm not sure what I'm going to do about that, especially now that I've been out with someone who is a 100 percenter (Barbara) - however as of right now I have no second date scheduled with Barbara. She emailed me through Match on Saturday that she had a great time and is looking forward to seeing me again - but since then she has not accessed her account. I sent her an email this morning asking her if she would be interested in getting together on Friday (we are both off work) and head out to Middleburg which is a nice little country town about an hour from here to stroll through some antique shops and then stop by one of the wineries that has dinner (lasagna this week) and live music. So hopefully I hear back from her.
I had someone new contact me last night. Her screen name is petiteandperky which she definitely is from her pictures - all 4 foot 11 inches of her. I'm on the fence right now about responding back. Perhaps I just need a break for a couple of weeks and concentrate on my golf game!
Just haven't felt like posting for the past few days or even contemplating post-D issues, relationships, etc. Yes, I'm mulling mortality among other things. Specifically? That all the stuff I sweat about is pretty much small stuff. It's a paradigm shifter, for sure.
But I'm not here to rain on your parades either. That's why I stayed busy offline.
GG, if you want someone who is lighthearted and fun, so be it. It's not bad to seek that personality trait in someone. But just know that there are limitations with that trait as well. You have to take the bad with the good. The folks I know who are lighthearted, flirty and fun tend to have a bit of the Peter Pan complex. While it's endearing, it's a double edged sword. FWIW.
BA, Middleburg ain't just a nice country burb, buddy. It's one of the wealthiest places in Virginia, with deep, deep pockets of old money and in the heart of horse country. It's where Jack Kent Cooke (the late owner of the Skins before a*hole Dan Snyder) lived. He made his gazillions in radio. It's beautiful and snobby. :-) And I would venture a guess that a good chunk of the FFV's (first families of VA) are there...
Good luck with Barbara - hope you hear back from her.
One thing to mull:
Quote:
She has made a couple of comments about how inconvenienced she is in regard to her children interferring with her life which is totally opposite from how I am with my kids.
While my first instinct is to bristle at this notion (I despise selfishness and parents who complain about being parents), it might be a little more innocent than this. Not sure - only you would know the context - but I sometimes feel this way.
Let me say this up front: I would and always have chosen my children over my own wellbeing. (I'm guessing most of us here are that way too.) But my XH travels quite a bit (next week is going to be in your neck of the woods all week), and with a developmentally disabled kiddo, the bulk of her care falls on my shoulders. When D19 lived at home, her schedule made me feel like a whirling dervish. It got better when she started to drive, but I had to wait a long time for that. Her dad left when she was 8. Do the math. She played softball, then moved on to gymnastics for a year, and at 11 started playing club volleyball.
So... being inconvenienced... their activities DO interfere with my ability to work out, seriously date someone or do much else that brings joy to my life. Don't get me wrong: I steal those moments when I can, and I have friends and I'm very grateful for everything and everyone in my life. But the truth is that on any given day, I know that others think I make excuses for not doing the "right thing", when it's that their lives come first. I have NO regrets putting them first.
Sometimes it's healthy for a woman to be selfish. I prefer to call this self care. I'm not saying that Joan isn't one of those who puts herself first - I don't know. But I'd be willing to wager that Barb, Gineen, Ellie, Figg, Kat have often let their own needs go for the sake of their kids.
I'm also not saying that dads don't do the same. I know they do. I know that Mr. Wonderful jumps when the girls need him. But I think women's DNA is hardwired to be more of a martyr. And if I had to compare what I've "given up" against what he's had to "give up", I'd say hands down my list is way longer. I don't keep score with him, so please know that too. It's a trap designed to keep one mired in the pool of resentment, and I made my mind up a long time ago to let that go. The girls deserve ALL of me.
I'd say Joan is guilty of sharing too personal information on your first date - I'm not sure why she would have told you that right off the bat.
And if your red flags are correct, than ditch the biatch!
I'm going to skip any dating adventures for the time being. Just not willing to give up taking care of myself to do it. I decided to get back on the working out wagon, and choosing me. I'm making a plan to work out when Mr. Wonderful is traveling (because he's going to be in DC most of the rest of the year) so I don't continue to let circumstances overtake my need to take care of myself. It's just smart. I don't want to wind up on dialysis down the road, or get osteoporosis or any other traps that people land in when they're over 50.
Sigh. Sorry for being the buzz kill here. Death of someone I've known since I was 5 years old kind of does that. It's okay. It's natural world order and how it should be.
I'm passing on a potent potable for now, and will take a glass of water instead. It's better for my plan LOL.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
You know the area around here very well - yes Middleburg is the land of money!! However, it is a nice place to go for us middle class folks and do an afternoon stroll through the shops.
In regard to Joan, I understand exactly what you are saying. Heck my girls occasionally get in the way of my life, but then again in just a few short years I will probably be moaning about them no longer being around. Joan seems to take it a bit beyond reasonable. On our first meeting she mentioned that her youngest son (who is 17) had just returned from spending a year in Iceland completing his junior year in high school under a student exchange program. She spent a good bit of time complaining that he was now going to inhibit her gym, socializing, and work schedule. She also said she was was fearful her older son was going to get married and have children and that she just didn't want to be tied down with grandchildren right now. It just seemed strange that she centered on those types of things. Anyway, I'm not sure I'm going to make the effort to set up another date since I don't feel a huge sense of chemistry with her and so far I have made the effort for the last two meetings. Time for the woman to take charge for a change.
BA--Yep, I know the area very well. Not only is my dad a native, so was his mom and his paternal grandparents. My dad grew up in Falls Church, not far from where they live now and it was considered the boonies. There was no bus service there, so he had to ride his bike into the district to go to high school (he went to Gonzaga).
Middleburg is definitely beautiful. Enjoy! Have you ever been to Sully Plantation in Chantilly? Also lovely. Winchester and Berryville are also perennial faves and I could go on and on with points farther south. You're in my stomping grounds, baby.
See? I knew you had more information on the subject to make that sort of call. I agree with you 100%. She sounds like a princess wannabe. I would LOVE to go to the gym with my daughter. And one day, she's going to get married and give me the grandkids I will love like my own. How happy will I be? She sounds like the kind of person who won't let her grandkids call her Grandma and tell them they need to call her Joan. Can I tell you I really don't respect those women? Like a title is really going to change what they are???
Anyway, I wouldn't have chemistry with her either. For the record, one of the things that bothered me about Sweet Stuff is that he chooses not to fight for his kids. He thinks it will damage them. I fail to see how not having a relationship with them AT ALL isn't enough damage? It really bothered me.
I can promise you that my XH would have my ass in court faster than you could say SUE ME if I were to even try to remove him from his parental rights. Justifiably.
And you're really smart about this:
Quote:
but then again in just a few short years I will probably be moaning about them no longer being around.
BA, this is exactly the premise I had in mind when I chose not to date and prioritize D19. I knew my days with her at home were numbered. It became a pervasive thought for me when she turned 15. I can remember one of her club volleyball tournaments her final year. Seven years of hauling kids, equipment and food an hour or more away to sit on a court for 6 hours and I could only think about how it would be nice to sleep in one Sunday (I went to church on Saturday afternoon then). Anyway, I almost talked myself into not going one Sunday (her dad had them that weekend). It took about 5 minutes for me to yell at myself and tell me that I'll have my Sundays back within months for good. I think I cried most of her senior year.
There IS life after kids. I enjoy it. Couldn't wait for her to head back. But the flip side is that I miss her. Period. I remember having to be the mom, coordinating her stuff and I miss it. D16 misses it too.
So you're right about the moaning. It's inevitable. Particularly when you're sending money to a BTN school!
Have you heard back from Barbara yet?
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
She spent a good bit of time complaining that he was now going to inhibit her gym, socializing, and work schedule. She also said she was was fearful her older son was going to get married and have children and that she just didn't want to be tied down with grandchildren right now.
Oh my god - run FAST as you can away from this self-centered woman. No more dates for her!
Betsey, You are so wise in so many ways. For me, if a man does not have a relationship with his children I don't date him. I missed out on the whole 'kid thing' and would very much love to be a bonus mom someday. Just a deal breaker in my book.
Yes, I know and see the Peter Pans flitting around everywhere. I don't want one of them, either. Perhaps I'm expecting too much as others have hinted at on here? All I know is what I had and what didn't work. I am still drawn to the 'business man' and that could be because of my dad. But, my dad was fun and always joking around. Why can't I have both?
Right now, I'm pretty busy with teaching, coaching football, and playing on a softball league. Not much time to squeeze someone in. We'll see...
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
