Little GO, i think him wanted to move in suggests that a part of him even if it is a tiny part wants to be near you too because regardless of whats best for the boys if he was 100% done with you he wouldnt want to be in the same room with you for 5 minutes let alone wanting to move back in - I should know as my husband is not wanting to see me at all or even be in the same room just so not to mess up his R with the OW, so this is positive and as DB says baby steps and staying positive. Affairs in many cases end and they are usually built on fantsasy and comes a time when the excitment wears out and then depression sets in and i think your husband is in this stage but because of his ego, men's pride whatever he is not willing to admit it and using the boys as an excuse to see if his feeling for you could return. he probably doesnt want to committ straight away for the fear of leading you on and hurting you if his feelings dont come back...but the chances that his feelings return whilst he is at the house with you are much higher than if he is out and free to spend as much time as the OW as he wants. If i was in your place i would agree to his proposal, let him come in, live in the other room but and i have to put this BUT in capital letter, go about your own business, do exactly as you were doing when you started the 180, take care of yourself, go out, be happy and date others and dont pay much attention to him! let him get on with his life and you live as friends but try to make him see the amazing happy person he is about to let go of. believe me this is an amazing chance if you want to save your M but you need to be strong and unemotional! when i started doing 180 it was very difficult but a friend told me something i wasnt seeing and that was the fact that since our seperation i had been very emotional, an emotional wreck if i may say and no man would want to be with someone like that, even women wouldnt want to be with men who are emotional wrecks! be very strong if you want to save this and try to put your emotions and feelings aside. if he moves in and in time nothing happens and you feel u have had enough then you are free to ask him to leave but at least at that point you would say at least i tried and will never wonder what if. the last advice i want to give you which my DB coach told me is IGNORE the OW!!! dont talk about her or mention, basically pretend that she doesnt exist and dont let her come between you even when she isnt around! you are not in a relationship with him right now so doesnt matter who else is there, all you want to do now is make him see you in favorable light, this will benefit both of you! dont ask him for R or beg him for anything. act like an adult and mature and if he wants to move in he has his reasons he is not telling you, i would advice you to take this chance but cotinue getting on with your life. in the end the decision is yours and it depends on how much you can take and endure but this is what i would do.
It seems to me that he made your path clearer! You know exactly what you want and won't allow--good for you. I'm sure that Convo stung, but you're in a better place. Feel it and put it away, dust it off and continue on your path.
Congrats on your new job. And take care of your boys.
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
sandy1212, thank you for your post. I tend to agree with you, but would only add to write up boundaries/rules ahead of time.
For me, an entire cheerleading squad of cute girls could not replace my W. That shared history of all those years together trumps all... Who knows how a relationship with a new partner will play out a few years down the line.
So, I think I would try the in home thing too... with rules and boundaries.
Turtle, H is mourning the loss of OW. Of course he's going to say the things he told you about still wanting to be with her. At least he's being honest... he could be feeding you what he knows you want to hear just to get back in the home.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I'm proud of you. You stood strong, wouldn't let yourself be doormat AND your focus is where it should be.....on your boys.
A little distance now would work well. Give him his space with fantasy, make believe girlfriend!
Head high!
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
Thanks, mimi, sandi, newman, FY and PS, for taking the time to post and give me your advice about my situation. Your advice, however, differs.
sandi & FY-- I read and reread your thoughts & in my sitch I have to disagree. There is NO WAY I want H to move back into the house! NO WAY!! I lived with him for 5 months while he carried on his EA right under my nose. It made me sick to witness & I will not be part of that again.
Plus, my boundaries are already stated & I am firm with them... R BEFORE moving back NOT after! H doesn't want to R. At least not now. He needs to grieve his EA, if it doesn't rekindle itself. I will not live with a man who is clearly miserable over his "break-up" with his GF!
I do feel strong. sandi, you are right about IGNORING OW--I don't intend to ask where he is with her or not with her. OVer time it will become apparent or if I am ready, I will ask (he's always been brutally honest).
Am I done? Yes and no. I have dropped the rope and am continuing my own life. Part of me would even like to date, but I have internal conflicts with this.
And, FY, your 2x4 about me kissing cute D'ed guy hit me smack in the face. Do I regret it? NO. But, it has made me stop and reflect where I am or am not headed right now. He is not my OM. He is a friend, but I did step over the "friendship boundaries." But, to be honest, I do want to hang out with him more and I don't know what will happen moving forward.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Thanks, mimi, sandi, newman, FY and PS, for taking the time to post and give me your advice about my situation. Your advice, however, differs.
sandi & FY-- I read and reread your thoughts & in my sitch I have to disagree. There is NO WAY I want H to move back into the house! NO WAY!! I lived with him for 5 months while he carried on his EA right under my nose. It made me sick to witness & I will not be part of that again.
Plus, my boundaries are already stated & I am firm with them... R BEFORE moving back NOT after! H doesn't want to R. At least not now. He needs to grieve his EA, if it doesn't rekindle itself. I will not live with a man who is clearly miserable over his "break-up" with his GF!
I do feel strong. sandi, you are right about IGNORING OW--I don't intend to ask where he is with her or not with her. OVer time it will become apparent or if I am ready, I will ask (he's always been brutally honest).
Am I done? Yes and no. I have dropped the rope and am continuing my own life. Part of me would even like to date, but I have internal conflicts with this.
And, FY, your 2x4 about me kissing cute D'ed guy hit me smack in the face. Do I regret it? NO. But, it has made me stop and reflect where I am or am not headed right now. He is not my OM. He is a friend, but I did step over the "friendship boundaries." But, to be honest, I do want to hang out with him more and I don't know what will happen moving forward.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Listen. Remember my H and massage girl? Love of his life? Ya.
So they are right, he is grieving.
You are right. Stand your ground for what you want. There is no reason you guys can't date if he is interested in you and an R. If the "for the boys, live separate lives thing works for you then by all means, go for it, but I know it doesn't
This is a crossroads here, I feel it....what do you want to do?
And, FY, your 2x4 about me kissing cute D'ed guy hit me smack in the face. Do I regret it? NO. But, it has made me stop and reflect where I am or am not headed right now. He is not my OM. He is a friend, but I did step over the "friendship boundaries." But, to be honest, I do want to hang out with him more and I don't know what will happen moving forward.
Sorry, I just calls 'em as I sees 'em.
"Just friends" is what everyone in a beginning EA/PA says to themselves and others. Outsiders, (and spouses) can see it for what it really is.
You admit dropping him would be difficult... that says a lot, don't you think? Those dopamine chemicals keep pulling you back. Just know that Affair (and rebound) relationship don't often last long. Look at H's R with OW. I want better for you... and you should too.
I think you are wise to step back and take your time here, Turtle.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
There is NO WAY I want H to move back into the house! NO WAY!! I lived with him for 5 months while he carried on his EA right under my nose. It made me sick to witness & I will not be part of that again.
Plus, my boundaries are already stated & I am firm with them... R BEFORE moving back NOT after! H doesn't want to R. At least not now. He needs to grieve his EA, if it doesn't rekindle itself. I will not live with a man who is clearly miserable over his "break-up" with his GF!
Personally I think you're doing the right thing. I've read too many stories of LBS's doing all their hard work and then letting a WAS who has done NO work move back in, only to have them turn right back into a WAS again weeks or months later. The WAS has GOT to work on themselves if a reconciliation is to have any chance at all. And your H has clearly done nothing as of yet.
a part of me would say yes to the move in, only because in my head I think how wonderful it would be for the kids to have their daddy back in their lives. However, obviously that would be a short-term high if H did not want to R. I have also thought that maybe a move in could reignite the wanting to R...which comes first..the chicken or the egg...?
the other part of me also agrees that R before moving back home is a better path for the future of the kids, you and the stability of the M...I am not sure what I would advise. So...like others...sit...sit on it and let the right answer for you and your amazing boys, come to you.
(((((turtle)))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
