Me 10 months on. Dark and detaching still.

[Fartiltre]

Call your friend as you have planned!
I would! ...be prepared that these people might be communication so be careful about your statements.

...and then leave the rest be!

As I read your thread I agree on the tattoo picture biting you, but who knows! Mindreading and expectations - right?

[hotwheelsaust]

Thanks F, it is just another page in this long winding book. As I said, I can understand the W and SIL defriending, that is just part of the script. The friend is really worrying me. I tried calling, but he is at work, the friend's wife answered and normally is quite civil, but today you could sense the coldness.
The tattoo picture really shouldn't be an issue, as I mentioned before. Not to mention it was only up for an hour, so more than likely they haven't seen it, but another friend might have told them. Again, if they have an issue, they need to talk to me about it.
Aaargh, trying to be so positive, but sometimes you struggle with issues out of your hands.
I really have no hope at all for my marriage now. Not just because of the defriend, just that feeling you get. I just feel that the W is simply determined to do nothing about the marriage, apart from end it. Please understand this is not a feel sorry for me comment, just simply where I now feel I have reached. It doesn't mean I have given up on fixing me, far from it.

[Fartiltre]

The tattoo picture really shouldn't be an issue, as I mentioned before. Not to mention it was only up for an hour, so more than likely they haven't seen it, but another friend might have told them. Again, if they have an issue, they need to talk to me about it.

No it shouldn’t but I very well could be IMO! They should talk to you about it, but do try to recall the old you and how people normally react. You get my drift! People rarely go to the source – instead they take the talk to the kitchen at work or the bar after work. Then they talk and one feather turns out as five chickens.
Do talk to him and clarification about this one but remember that he might spill your words to other people.

Aaargh, trying to be so positive, but sometimes you struggle with issues out of your hands.

So true!

I really have no hope at all for my marriage now. Not just because of the defriend, just that feeling you get. I just feel that the W is simply determined to do nothing about the marriage, apart from end it.

I do get you – I am moving fast forward towards this place these days! I feel like sh!t to some extent but then again it also gives some kind of relief (that to me!)

Please understand this is not a feel sorry for me comment, just simply where I now feel I have reached. It doesn't mean I have given up on fixing me, far from it.

Never did – I understand you!


F

[hotwheelsaust]

Thanks F, for the replies and your quick response. Bit by bit as we learn about ourselves, we also see the faults in other people that we didn't earlier. I see the W's family and friends being very quick to judge anything I ever did, never ones to tell me face to face, but you hear about them eventually. This scenario with the tattoo (if that is the issue) is the same. If they have a problem, not that it should be a problem to them anyway, then they need to speak to me, now. Not days, weeks or months later. And this is the problem I have had with my sitch for these 10 months, they all get together and talk about what I am doing wrong (as I get told at a later date). Guaranteed the complaint is that my sons saw the tattoo. Firstly they are adults now, if they have an issue with it, then they need to speak to me. Secondly, the picture was up for about an hour, if the sons didn't see it, then who told them? Who is in the wrong then?
In all honesty, I really see that the M has had no hope since day one of the BD. I really don't think I could have done anything different or better. I simply feel my W reached a point that she said "no more". Whether the EA is part of it, the family are part of it, or none of the above. It doesn't matter anymore. While I love my W, I don't think I want her back. I don't like who she has become, the way she has treated me, and the way I have been treated by the whole family. I don't think I could enjoy being with this group of people again.

[MrBond]

"I really don't think I could have done anything different or better."

Actually you missed alot of what DBing is about. And that is the message of tolerance and understanding. You say that now you can see "faults" in others. That's incorrect. If you say others have "faults" you are measuring them against YOUR standard which others are going to disagree with. Your "standard" is no better than any one elses.

The way she treated you was wrong, however, so was the way that you treated her. And whereas you feel that she has been hurting you and your pride for the past few months, you had been hurting her for years and didn't do anything about it until she left.

Here was the quote from your first post:
"For many years I have been a very self-centered person, very angry at things in general and probably not a very fun person to be with."

That self-centeredness is beginning to creep back in.

Just my 2 cents.

[hotwheelsaust]

Gday MrBond, you are so right and I didn't see that self-centered creeping back in. What I was trying to say with regards to others though, was not their faults towards themselves as seen by me, but more the way they are quick to find my faults. If that makes sense?
Still though I do get your point of trying to get tolerance and understanding.
Maybe the whole above comment I made is simply me whingeing. Maybe it is simply me not getting any expected responses from the people I thought cared about me.
I am quick to say I wouldn't want my W back, but I do wonder if I could actually say that to her? Probably not.
Again MrBond, thank you for my reality check. It was needed. Back to my DB basics.

[MrBond]

"What I was trying to say with regards to others though, was not their faults towards themselves as seen by me, but more the way they are quick to find my faults. If that makes sense? "

Yes it does. And then you need to remember the number one tenant of DB. You cannot change others, just yourself. If that's the way they choose to be, then that's all on them. You're the one who is growing and becoming better. And it's not necessary for them to acknowledge it.

[hotwheelsaust]

No I am not trying to change them, more recognising what they do/did to me, and whether I wish to be a part of that group anymore. Therefore I am trying to grow and become better and thereby find more happier, friendler and not so quick to judge friends.

[hotwheelsaust]

But I suppose the other option, is being and growing to be a better person, and then hopefully they won't need to judge me the same way as they did earlier?

[MrBond]

Exactly! They are looking at you as the OLD you. You haven't projected the NEW you yet. And even if they don't see it, YOU will know it and feel it.