I stirred the hornets nest and am worried now...

[Fighting4mylife]

Hi - Would love some advice. My husband is in an MLC and has told me he is thinking about leaving me in 2 years. I know he has been learning french and found out a while ago he had been on a website trying to meet new people to speak French with but didn't let him know as he is very secretive. He travels every week for work and mentioned he has two Paris trips he requested. We were having a great morning before this. We went jogging, were talking and enjoying each other's company. However, when he mentioned this trip, I was nice and said he would be able to practice his French. He said he liked to read books in french. I asked if he got a chance to ever speak with people over there and he put his hand over his eyes and looked uncomfortable and told me he didn't want to talk about it. He then went upstairs to get ready for a two day trip for work.

Normally, I would ignore ala 180 but I think I was just fed up at that point so I checked the website and the password I tried worked. It turns out he has been skyping tons of people men and women in France. No big deal? Why didn't he mention it? So when he came down from his shower, I said why don't we try to skype some this trip and that I had set up an account. He freaked out on me! Told me he didn't want to talk to me at all when he was away just wanted to be away from me. Then he grudgingly friended me. But freaked out that I was sitting beside him when he had to open his skype. Tried to tell me that he wanted me to go in the other room to “test it”. Then he went upstairs to pack. I checked his Skype account and sure enough there were tons of people as contacts even though he had just told me I was the only one. I kept quite that I had seen it. Even acted surprise there was a picture on it. I mean he was really freaking out! Then he came downstairs and got back on his computer even though at this point he was late to work. I saw him deleting stuff and sure enough when he left, I checked again and all contacts were deleted. I calmly phoned him and told him I didn’t mean to upset him and I realized he needed his space. He tried to say he just wanted to sleep because the travelling is hard on him. I said no problem. When he got to work, he must have changed his password because I can’t get on it now. So I deleted him from Skype (which I am hoping will throw him off).

I am hoping this is a 180 because I am being calm but in my own way am trying to call him on his bullshit without confrontation. It is this right approach? Am thinking about not answering his texts tomorrow. Is this too much?

[Starlingesque]

Hi,

I'm new to this community, so I'm not sure if I speak with as much experience and knowledge as everyone else here. That said...

You two live together? Perhaps he is in a MLC... but I'm not sure that not answering his texts the next day would cause anything productive to happen. There's a book I read, called How to Get Your Lover Back by Blaise Harris that really talked about how to love your spouse or partner 100%, even through these tough times.

Also, I wonder, what hobbies do you have? What do you do that you enjoy, outside of your relationship with your husband? If he's reaching out to other people, learning French, etc., what are you doing? Sometimes, if you develop your hobbies and your life more, outside of the relationship, the spouse will become interested and even intrigued. You, also, will care less about what they're doing, because you'll be filling your life with more things that you love.

There's this great blog... and now I can't remember the name... where the writer chronicles how she got her husband back, after he left. Part of how she did it was by cultivating her life. She chose to be "guided by love," she said. As in, she made a list of all of the things that she loved to do before they met, then all of the things that she'd always wanted to do. Then, slowly, she started to intentionally go down the list and do them again, or for the first time. If she loved it, then she continued it. If she didn't, then she stopped. She took this philosophy to heart and applied it to the rest of her life, as well. Soon, she got back into yoga (which is now a daily practice for her), etc. etc. Her husband was like, "who is this person?" It was actually a huge help in getting him back. Weird, huh? Getting him back by developing yourself. I'm still learning this, as it seems like other than school, I have very little of myself going on. I made some earrings last week, and that was huge. Just wearing them felt so good. I need to do more of that myself.

So anyways, there are my two cents. Hope they help, and good luck. xo

- Star

[too trusting]

Star, those are good suggestions. they are in the Divorce Remedy book too. we call it "getting a life" and even abbreviate it here as "GAL" because it is such an important and frequently-used technique. i.e. develop your other interests, it will be good for you in many ways, as you described.

F4ML - it's best to stick with one thread, easier to follow.

good luck with the conversation with your coach. they are really helpful. in the meantime, read the Divorce Remedy book if you haven't already done so. also here are some good guidelines - "the 37 rules": http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2250607#Post2250607

regarding confronting, I would say to hold off on it for now. you can always do it later. the question is, will confronting move you closer to your goal, or farther from your goal? chances are that you will get more results from the DB techniques, without confronting right now.

good luck and keep us posted on what happens!

[Fighting4mylife]

Hi. Thanks for the advice. I held off on confronting. I have gotten halfway through the divorce remedy. And have begun some techniques my coach recommended.

My sitch is a bit different as my husband travels for work and is gone usually about 3 to 4 nights a week. So he is living it up with his buddies when he is gone skyping his friends all over the world and then annoyed when he comes home because he has a wife and kids and responsibilities. And he lets us know it all the time! Does anyone know how to handle that? Coming and going. Would love the advice.

Finally. I have done for people for so long myself that I seem to have forgotten what I even like. So on that note I have decided to see a therapist to deal with me. What I want to be when I grow up! I did pick a pro marriage counselor. Thanks for writing back!

[too trusting]

how do you greet him when he returns? I know it is not easy, you want to tell him about all the problems you've encountered while he was away and what you need him to do, but sometimes you have to bite your tongue and not do that.

my H travels for his business - sometimes away all week and just home for the weekend; returns exhausted and doesn't want to hear about any problems or anything he needs to do.

so a few tips that I picked up over time:

1) don't sit around waiting for him to come back. GAL! do fun things with your friends and your daughters.

2) don't expect him to do repairs when he comes home. (ok in our case, besides my H being too tired when he gets home, he's not the "handy" type.) you know who can do repairs better than the average husband? yep, the average wife! ever see a man trying to open a stuck drawer, and how a woman does it? the man will pull on the drawer handle; and then pull harder; until the front of the drawer comes off. the woman will jiggle and jiggle it till she gets it open with no damage done. and for repairs that are out of your expertise, get a good handyman (ask friends for recommendations) and call him whenever anything needs to be fixed. a lot less expensive than counselling would be (after you ask your H, tired from a long trip, to fix something and you argue about it).

3) set a time for you and H to talk on the phone for an hour a day, in the evening. H and I used to do this when he started travelling; even though in those days there weren't cell phones or skype or IM, and long distance phone calls cost money! but it is important to be able to just chat and share ideas, as you would do if he were home. since he is in MLC, don't spend this time criticizing him. talk about neutral, fun things, the news from home about your daughters, etc.

good luck!

[Fighting4mylife]

Hi - Thanks for the thoughts. Where I am having the problems is around the time spent talking to each other. He only gets 10 mins per trip with his job on his phone. Now we could skype etc, but he has avoided this like the plague and now I know why - he is skyping other people all the time. When I pushed for skyping he yelled at me that he didn't even have 10 mins of things to say to me much less to skype me. He doesn't know that I saw his skype account before he deleted everyone. So he has time for them and not me. I am getting really depressed and can't stop thinking about it. What if he is really into just one person online? What do I do?

[Fighting4mylife]

Thanks so much for your advice. I have already started to do a few things. Ex. fixed some stuff around the house etc. I am hopeful he will come around. He really is a good person, just seems very confused right now.

[too trusting]

then 10 min a day it is. and think ahead about interesting things you will tell him about: what your daughters are doing; interesting things you did; ask his opinion on something in the neighborhood or something in the news; etc. you know, the same things you'd be talking about around the dinner table if he were home.

nowadays H and I use IM a lot because it doesn't have to be continuous. you can talk for a few minutes, then go back to what you were doing, then put another question or remark into the chat box and continue doing other things, maybe he will see it a few minutes later and answer then. I compare it to sitting in the same room, each person doing their own thing (maybe one reading a book and the other watching tv) and from time to time have bits of conversation.

[willbwell]

hi f4ml, I too think(thought) my h is(was) a good guy. want to believe it. but look at mlc script. really he just wants to do for himself. I am staying strong and positive.my kids are the prize. me and the kids are now my focus.

[Fighting4mylife]

willbwell, I am so sorry that you are going through this as well. I am trying to focus on other things but it is hard.

Too trusting - I will do regarding 10 mins. With regards to IM - he won't skype with me at all so no IM. We do have texting but I am trying to text less as part of 180. Am getting mixed messages from him. He is planning for our future but says anywhere from 2 to 6 years down the road he is divorcing me. How does this make any sense?