Lost, confused and trying to make a stand

[brobafet]

Wendy,

I will try it thank you.

Major breakthrough for me however. My attitude toward all of this is starting to balance itself out. I have my moments of sadness and pain, but I can stop them in their tracks now. Anger comes but it is gone in seconds, I don't and didn't have much to begin with.

I'm drawing more, which is my zen area. I love it and I am getting better, I just need to get my 3d programs back on my computer and I'll be right as rain, that and I need to stop smoking, it is a pain.

Noticing that stbxw has a bit of a chip on her shoulder, her attitude when I pick up my kiddos is cold, though I don't say much, or engage her when i'm there. I just tell her that I'll have the kids back on sunday, doesn't seem as happy as she was a few weeks ago. Could just be me, but she seems to be stuck, she hasn't found a job yet and she is in her mom's house still. I'll be moving at the end of this month, even though springs is a dump and I hate it, I'll have my job in denver and will look forward to the drive each day. My imagination can go rampant and I can come up with some illustrations (I'm hoping to become a full time illustrator).

I've cleaned up my FB page. All pictures of her are gone I may need to look through again, going to be taking down all pictures of her around the house, which doubles as packing to move. I've changed my status from M to Single. Some have said that was a big step, I don't know if it is but I'm accepting the fact that my M is over. I can move on and face each day with a positive attitude. I know I can do this, I can be better and I can move on from someone who was abusive to me. I can only control me and its a good feeling that I no longer come into my house wondering who she is or was talking to. That feeling in the pit of my stomach is becoming smaller, it is slow but I have also accepted that. I like the feeling of making it smaller and smaller.

Thanks for the words and the support.

[sweetbabyred]

brobafet, thanks for checking in on me, so I wanted to see how you were doing.

I think all WAS's go through a phase of being cold and distant, so don't think it has anything to do with you.

It can be tiring to keep up the pretense of being happy and in love with life, so maybe they just can't do it anymore.

After reading your post, I decided to go through my fb pics too. Most pics of us were on xh's fb which he deactivated back in march, but the few I had are now in a private folder so that no one else sees them. Most are actually of xh and ss, so I didn't want to delete them completely.

Since you know drawing makes you feel better, keep doing that.

Keep taking care of yourself.

[brobafet]

Sweet,

I'm trying to take care of myself. I need to start working out again. The drawing thing is easy for me, even if it is a doodle.

I did the same with my pics on fb. If it was just of her I deleted it, but if it had my kiddos in it I just hid them from everyone. I'm not really on fb much but getting it cleaned up was like taking an entire space in my brain and dumping it out. It felt good.

My D is final in Oct. When I was in the army we would say x number of days and a wake up. Well I have 76 days and a wake up. My official day of a new life....it is going to be an adventure.

[brobafet]

What do I need to do to stop thinking about my divorce and her. Jessica you have hurt me and I want the space you occupy in my mind back. I do not want you to be in my head any more. I am angry. Not to the point to seeing red or not being able to function but man I am angry. I am angry that Gabriel isn’t able to express how he feels. He just knows something is wrong and I want to take that from him. God please ease Gabriel’s mind, allow me the ability to discern his trouble and ease him of his stress.

Can I be better? God give me the path to be a better man. Break me down and build me back up. Give me the strength to become what I need to be and the ability to start a new path, I do not want to continue on the path that I am on.

[brobafet]

Anxiety just hit me out of no where. It has been a few weeks since I felt like this. I don't know why it just hit me. This is frustrating.

I have this desire to call her and just talk to her. I miss her voice. I don't want to call her I feel weak, really weak.

[sweetbabyred]

Brobafet, I'm sorry you're feeling that way. It sneaks up on me too.

Maybe you can start doodling to try to take your mind off of it?

I understand the urge to call, but even you know that it won't make you feel better.

[brobafet]

Sweet,

I didn't call her. Thank God. It would have just served her ego and crushed mine. I don't know why but leading up to yesterday all I could do was think about her. It made me want to hear her voice. It also gave me anxiety. I ended up having two meetings back to back yesterday and that got my mind off of everything.

Today is a way better day. I have been in a positive mindset all morning.

[brobafet]

Weniki,

I've been trying what you suggested this entire week. Here is what I notice. When I pray and concentrate on that spot then open my eyes, stress seems to float away from there. Does that make sense?

I've been praying. A TON. I know I cannot control her actions but it really bothers me that she already has someone else and my kids have met him. It bothers me to think that I may not find another person. Right now I am in a place where I'm floating. I want a better future but I think of the past. I am lonely and I really miss being intimate with someone and I feel as though I will be alone, and for a while but it has only been two months and I know I shouldn't be thinking of being with another person but I do.

This suuuucks.

[brobafet]

Dropped off the kids on sunday. God how it kills me to leave them and know that I cannot control a thing when they are away from me. stbx was still in pj's and laying on the couch when we walked in...at 11am.

Overall had a better weekend. Up and down but not too up and not too down.

X and I dont really communicate at all. It sorta kills me. Someone who I would tell everything to now gives a rats a about me. I just wish I could have someone to tell things to and have them actually care and comfort me.

[Live4myDay]

I can totally understand how your feeling. My X and I don't communicate at all. My S was visiting before college starts these past 2 weeks and my D lives with me (she is disabled from a car accident now 22). I live in FL and S and X live in OH, although OW lives in MN. Go figure.

Someone who I shared just everything about our lives together is completely gone. He shares it all with OW now. And he still will text or call to update kids on his "wonderfully new happy life!"
Even sending pictures of his recent fishing trip (w OW of course). BTW he spends probably 6 days a year with his kids. His choice. Be the better Dad and continue being there for your kids.

I hate that I don't have anyone now either who I always thought cared about me. It's strange to go from him being my husband to now being nothing...dead actually.

This place has been great to help me detatch. After I have a bad day or feeling axiety I come here to just read. Read and learn and know that you're ok.