I have been in newcomers for a couple of weeks now, but my sitch has started to make a turn and the regulars over there are lost for advice since I am heading in a good direction.
Basically W dropped ILYBNILWY bomb early December. W has been living with a male friend since New Years Eve. Thing have been really up and down until about a week ago when I went fairly dark and she called me to talk and wanted to get together.
We have had 2 dates since then and she has returned to MC with me. I feel like she is starting to work on our marriage and we are making a step in the right direction. I told her this and she appreciated me seeing her working at it and agreed its going the right direction.
I would like some of you who were in my boat with a WAW and what worked once you started going the right direction. I really need to get her back here and I think it may happen soon, I just need help from everyone along the way to give advice and tips.
The dates and last calls are detailed in other thread and will help to explain where we are at.
Thanks, and glad to be here in piecing. I hope I can keep the Big MO!
God Bless You,
Reuben
Cautiously hopeful and keeping the Momentum
I pray you will be here soon, I hope you still can follow my sitch because you always give me positive support and it really helps.
JJ, thanks for the link that was really helpful.
Tonight my W is comming over for dinner after her C session. I told her I would cook her dinner. This is the 2nd of our 3 dates this week.
I find today I am nervous and even a bit angery. Its really good to be where I am and feel like we are just starting to go in the right direction and that feels great, but my W still doesn't live here and that hurts.
Its kinda like we have to learn to be comfortable around each other again, but I want to make sure we don't end up doing "more of the same" and end up where we were. I fear that so much. It also bothers me that when we are together she spends only about 2 hours with me and then says she tired and wants to go home (where she is staying with a male friend).
It cuts deep when she says that. I also wish she would spend more time with me when she does. I mean she says she is tired around 6:30-7:00 at night. I know I don't sleep through the night, but can make it 'til at least 9:00am. Its so frustrating, but maybe she is just drained from the emotions of being with me.
One other thing I noticed, when she called yesterday to get insurance info for her meds, she asked how I was really doing. I think it came from a discussion in MC about how we tell if the other is depressed and needs our care. I told her I was good, but it hurt to have her leave the night before. She said she understood and I believe she agreed. I think it was a positive sign, but I don't want to unload everything I am feeling. I need to be cautious with this.
Well any advice in dealing with this junk would be helpful from those who have been there. I need some support and tips on becoming comfortable around my W again. And should I even talk with her about it? I think us talking through some thing like this helps, but I am affraid of a backslide.
Help!?!
God Bless You,
Reuben
Cautiously hopeful and keeping the Momentum
Think about how far you have come since your first post in Newcomers.
Just take it slow. You have heard the P word a million time (patience).
Like I said, I really can't give you advice because I'm not there. At this point I'm so detached that I'm beginning to believe we will never make it to Piecing. I haven't given up, maybe I'm just becoming pragmatic about the whole issue.
If you want my advice, for what it is worth, I would not be the one to bring it up. If she does, then that is okay. Do not overpursue the topic and try to analyize every word, detail, facial expression, etc. Let her lead that part of the conversation.
Have you read Mars/Venus? I suggest you do so. If I had 6 months ago, I wouldn't be here today.
Don't worry about the male friend. Obviously, she has a strong interest in you to have 3 dates a week.
My W told me when she first left that she was afraid i would always push for too much too fast and it scared her. I haven't pushed in about 1-1/2 months. She has probably given up by now on wanting it to work (she is having an affair).
Quote: One other thing I noticed, when she called yesterday to get insurance info for her meds, she asked how I was really doing. I think it came from a discussion in MC about how we tell if the other is depressed and needs our care. I told her I was good, but it hurt to have her leave the night before. She said she understood and I believe she agreed. I think it was a positive sign, but I don't want to unload everything I am feeling. I need to be cautious with this.
It was good she asked. You responded honestly, maybe a little too much. Don't push, let her come to you.
Thanks for the reply, and I think you are right, I shouldn't worry about the guy friend(s) because she seems interested in me.
The date went better than expected. W showed up an hour before I thought she would. We hung out for a while and talked and listened to some new CDs. I had gotten her some stuff from the store she wanted that she thought I wouldn't get and a nice candle. She thanked me and kissed me.
My W wanted to shower here and wash clothes here, because the place she is staying has frozen pipes, and even when working the hard rusty water is wrecking her clothes. So I got the wash started and she showered. One thing was she seem comfortable to change in front of me, even though I looked away (I normally wouldn't do that). She also lounged around the house in her robe most of the night as her clothes were getting washed.
I later cooked dinner while she worked on finishing her brothers resume, which she has been putting off for a long time. We sat down to dinner and she made a toast to "a new beginning". I shouldn't have asked if that meant us, but I did. She hedged around a bit, and again said she needs time. (I have to learn to not probe so much!) She then said grace and we had a great dinner, she liked it a lot and thanked me for cooking. We both commented on how nice it was to sit down together and have a nice meal in our house.
We then basically lounged around on the couch and listened to music and talked. I was really comfortable. It turned into me rubbing her feet while she was getting real relaxed. She enjoys her feet rubbed so much. She did look at her watch once or twice and then said that she should go. I said that there wasn't a need for to go, and could just crash here with me and continue to relax. She let me rub her feet more and then said softly "alright I will stay" I got a smile on my face and my heart just melt. Then came the "don't get any ideas, it doesn't mean anything". I had to keep my feeling in check and said I understood, but thought it would be nice for her to stay.
I then had to go out to her van and get her meds (which I don't think she would have if she wasn't planning on staying, who knows). We then cozied up in bed and watched TV until we fell asleep. We even kissed good night and she let me hold her throughout the night. She did wear more PJs than usual, but in the early morning changed because she was hot.
During the night she did tell me she missed this, I replied staying her with me?, and she said yes I miss it so much. I asked her about it in the am and she didn't remember saying it. She sometimes will talk a bit while asleep. I took it as a good sign.
We then slept in and talked in bed a while. Then got up and watched TV, I took a shower and then she did. One weird thing was I asked her if she missed her shower and she replied "mr shower is my best boy friend, he cleans me and tickles my xxxix". For some reason it really hurt me, like I didn't matter much and didn't satisfy her (We didn't have sex during the night and not much other than holding). I then told her that what she said made me feel like sh*t" She said she didn't mean anything by it, but I felt resentful of the sitch and was a bit down while she was getting ready in the other room.
She came out and could tell something was up, and asked if I wanted to talk. I said do you really want to listen? She said yeah. I told her I just needed some cheering up and told her that I just took what she said the wrong way. I said if we were all fine, I would have taken it like the joke it was meant to be, but with things the way they are my insecurity got me down. She said she felt that her being here made me depressed, I told her no that it made me really happy, its just the comment got me down a bit because I thought I always satisfied her. She reassured me that I did and that part of our R was great, we just have other things to work out.
We then went to lunch and had a good time, and then she dropped me off at home.
Most of the talks were positive and even hinted at her working on things, missing our house and R, and wanting things to work out. She also talked a bit about how she is having a hard time with the conditions she living in, but was making it through.
I can't believe the anger and resentment that hit me all at once this morning. Even after the best day and night we have had in a long time, she hasn't spent the night since December 30th. Why can't I be totally happy about it? I guess its just me wanting everything to work out all at once and have the come home for good. I mean its going good, we even talked about future stuff and she even said a time or two "when I come home...". I have to keep the positive stuff in mind and remember PATIENCE! Its just so hard.
Well she is coming over again Friday evening for our third date this week. So I have to get prepared again so I don't backslide. Any tips or comment would be helpful.
Thanks
God Bless You,
Reuben
Cautiously hopeful and keeping the Momentum
I can't believe it, a few hours after my W left she called me. She said she wanted to come over again tonight to watch some TV together and stay over again. Now I did mention that we could do that tonight, but earlier it sound like she wasn't going to.
Its a very good thing, I have to get my strength back up and be ready. I guess it can't be a I'll crash cause I sleepy thing.
God Bless You,
Reuben
Cautiously hopeful and keeping the Momentum
So here is how things went. She came over last night for pizza and to hang out watching TV. The pizza was great, and she and I sat together at the table and W said grace before we ate. She also thanked me for the pizza and said ILY before we ate. I smiles and kissed her, its been a while since she said ILY first.
We then watched TV for a while and then relaxed in bed with TV on til we fell asleep. I keep the mood lighter and didn't try to be affectionate as the night before.
During the night, I had another crazy dream (ended with me alone and everyone leaving me) and woke up. She asked what was up and I said bad dream and was scared a bit. I asked if she would hold me and she did and slept with her head against me (she didn't do that the night before)
Morning was good just hung out on the couch. One great thing was she started to rub my back on her own. It felt so good to get affection from her. I then showered and we talked a bit. She asked about my dream, and with hesitation I told her about it (Parts of it had me hagning with an old GF, and then W getting mad at me about it). I told her about being scared about feeling vulnerable due to my need for affection and love ont being met like before, and I fear that temptation from OW would be greater. I told her I wouldn't do anything, but it is a fear. She understood and appreciated me telling her about it.
She showered and then we got ready to go for lunch. I gave her a Emotional Needs Questionare since earlier my discussion on my needs she said she doesn't know what needs she has. She seemed to be open to it and thought it might be good. We then went out for lunch. Our discussion to lunch and during lunch was about my fear that I won't have enough patients. That many people tell me that they are suprised I hold on and don't take the easy way out. I also told her about my conversation with my Dr. about how many people he sees come in for depression from D and that many have regrets far down the road and realize the grass isn't greener.
I also told her about Dr. asking for what helps me so he can give to others to help. I e-mailed him this website and books that have helped. My W became intruiged and I explained how it helps to talk with other trying to save thier marriages and that people worse off than us have saved thier marriages. She actually became a bit optimistic.
I then talked about my Dr's and I's converation about worring about my W finding insurance if she ever left for good. I also told her I worry because I feel no one could ever love or care for her like I do. She began to cry and agreed, and said she said no one would love me like she did.
We then talked about how we need to just move forward and start a new marriage together. I talked about things we could work on. She said she felt we should have done more in the begining of our M to do thing. I told her its not too late, we just need to start.
She finally said that she still needs more time, but I could tell she was really thinking about us and saving our M. She drove me home and kissed me. I also asked her to try and fill out the Emotional Need Questionare so we could talk over this weekend. Then I said I felt if she tried to stay over here more often and several nights in a row that she would feel more comfortable to later on move back in. She agreed and said she would think about it.
All in all it was good, especially our talk over lunch. She really opened up more than before and I could tell she wanted to start working on our M more soon. She hasn't cried like that around me for a while. She even talked a bit about her individual C and how her C feels she is punishing herself by not living here. When she kissed me goodby we looked in eachothers eyes and rubbed noses which was a good step.
I am hopeful, she did cancel being with me tonight but said she would think about coming home to sleep over after going out. At first I was sad, but think after our talk I have more hope that she wants to work it out. Its still hard and emotionally draining to be around her but I need to stay strong and patient, cause her and I understand I may not be able to hold up forever.
God Bless You,
Reuben
Cautiously hopeful and keeping the Momentum
Wow, Im very happy for you! Yur situation is really looking amazing right now! I hope that with my newfound hope and prayer, I may be able to recieve such great positive steps as you are. Best of luck to you and keep of the great work!
Anything worth having is worth working HARD for!
Making a New Move
