The hardest decision - need advice, please!

[MileHigh]

Thanks Linda. I'm still up and running on a 5 Hour Energy shot. LOL. I'm a bit loopy from lack of sleep, but I decided to stay up at all costs, to get back on a sleep-at-night schedule. Today is mostly meetings anyway. I'm in one now (the joy of telecommuting).

She stopped mentioning him to me a while back when I told her how much it hurt me. As an aside - she described him as "doesn't know how to be angry" and "the kindest person I've ever met." Yawn. Sounds like the boring drip I found him to be... LOL.

So, I have no idea. I do get some kind of vibe that it might not be all she hoped. I can't give specifics... it's just a feeling and stuff like the timing of her messages and visits and stuff - just doesn't seem to leave a lot of time for the romance of the century.

W messaged me again this morning - weird thing is, she was clearly up all night too. Read my message at 3 am, and was active at 4 am, then messaged me again at 8 asking about scanning photos of our dear departed cat who died last year so I can have a copy, and also about a schedule for time with our current kitty (one of them, she hates the other one, LOL). I *know*, us childless couples are annoying with our pets. :-/

So, although I may read too much into little interactions, the friendly contact has been good and she does seem to find a reason to contact quite frequently.

[MileHigh]

Ugh. Just have to journal away a couple demons here....

I had to have a nap, so I didn't make it thru the night again, dang it.

I woke up with a couple thoughts going thru my head over and over. It's so obvious in hindsight from the moment I started having *that* feeling again, and from when I first asked W why it was taking her so long to get home at night, that she was testing me and trying to make a decision. And the last straw was the day before her birthday. But the game was rigged. One of the biggest reasons I was having such a hard time is that I *knew* there was something going on. It kills me that I can't say anything to her about this.

The other thought was just how, since she's not thinking she has to make any changes, and how she's set the bar so high her belief that "he doesn't know how to get angry" that the slightest irritation from him about anything towards her is going to be judged pretty severely by her.

The curse of the fixer mentality. Maybe having put these thoughts in writing here, I can try to forget them again and get back to more productive thinking.

[MileHigh]

Damn you Hollywood. I actually watched "Crazy, Stupid Love" because it was on HBO and it was late and I wasn't sleeping... yeah, that was it. ;-) Don't want to give spoilers, but there is marriage, separation, infidelity, etc. and of course a dramatic moment/speech where just the right thing is said.... the result was more subtle than usual for a romantic comedy, though. Anyway, it was a surprisingly good movie.

A while back, when discussing my sitch with my mom (but not in such detail as to encourage resentment of W) she said "maybe she wants you to fight for her."

I sent her a couple of MWD's vids on YouTube, and she said "I get it."

It's so hard to compete by not competing. Giving space and time and all of that.

The best thing I can do right now, both for my PMA, GAL, and to look less like a reclusive loser is to get a darn car. Of course, by the time today's back to back meetings are over, I'll just barely have time to get some provisions to last for the next day or so. I need to be able to take an entire day to get into town and get stuff done. Every weekend, like clockwork, there's been something that's left me too exhausted, physically or mentally to get it done.

[MrBond]

"As an aside - she described him as "doesn't know how to be angry" and "the kindest person I've ever met." Yawn. Sounds like the boring drip I found him to be... LOL."

You do understand that what she found attractive in him is what you should have been doing for her. In your case, I wouldn't dismiss what she says about the OM all the time.

[RosaLinda]

DMR "As an aside - she described him as "doesn't know how to be angry" and "the kindest person I've ever met." Yawn. Sounds like the boring drip I found him to be... LOL."

Bond "You do understand that what she found attractive in him is what you should have been doing for her. In your case, I wouldn't dismiss what she says about the OM all the time."

Ouch. My H's OW is a pushy, nasty, aggressive bitch. But fun. His words. 

H says I am the nicest woman he knows, and  that I deserve someone better. I have been following my DB coach's instructions to give him space but to be Lovely Wife when HE approaches me. Following your instructions to DMR, Bond, are you saying that in my sitch, I should be more pushy, mean, fun and aggressive???

[Thumpered]

Making time for your life is an important step in the practice of making time for everything that's gone wrong in the past.

Like making changes, you MUST make the time, each opportunity missed is a opportunity at progress. Even when we don't feel like it, or feel like it has anything to do with our sitch's, there is still an opportunity to show ourselves we can proceed when the chips are against us.

i'm feeling the same way lately, tired, fatigued, or over-whelmed, but that's exactly WHY we must do it. Even if its as trivial as grocery shopping, its not gonna beat us, we are commited to what we have to do, even the smallest of baby steps.

[MileHigh]

I do get that she's pointing out something I need to work on, and that's been the primary thing, besides depression and physical pain, that I'm trying to change, with IC, meditation, thought-stopping, etc.

It's hard to do when Imhave so few actual interactions with people, but I try. and just because this place gives us an outlet doesn't mean that every utterance has to be scrutinized to prove that I haven't learned my lesson(s). Many of us on her find it theraputic to joke about the OP, despite the excruciating pain of an A.

I do have a pretty big hurdle to get past. It's very hard to buy a car when you live out in the sticks and have to take a $20 cab ride to anywhere. A very demanding work shedule, and a very bad case of insomnea. But, I'm doing the best I can with what I have, even when it just means meditating, exercising, reading and walking.

[MileHigh]

Thanks for the inputs. Bond, tough as always. Linda, funny and compassionate. Thumpered, energetic and positive. It's all good.

All appreciated. I really need the community here. It's a good part of my social interaction at the moment.

[MileHigh]

I pondered that birthday present. I thought about putting it on the counter where I was putting mail and stuff for W to pick up when she stopped by, but figured that would just be worse if she ignored it. It's clearly a statement for her, refusing to take the card and gift, especially as she left on her birthday.

So, it made it all the way to the nightstand in the bedroom. Ah, well. :-/

[MrBond]

Linda,

"Ouch. My H's OW is a pushy, nasty, aggressive bitch. But fun. His words.
H says I am the nicest woman he knows, and that I deserve someone better. I have been following my DB coach's instructions to give him space but to be Lovely Wife when HE approaches me. Following your instructions to DMR, Bond, are you saying that in my sitch, I should be more pushy, mean, fun and aggressive???"

No. You have to learn to stop taking what your WAS says literally and understand what the unsaid message. He said that you were 'nice' and that the OW was 'aggressive'. So in the past maybe he thought things were too comfortable. Did the two of you ever do anything wild like when you were dating?

Also, he said that she was 'fun'. So maybe he felt that both of you were missing that unknown fun element you both had when you first went out with each other.

When the WAS says something, you can always learn from it.

Likewise, dmr's W said that the OM was 'kind' and 'didn't know how to be angry.' In the past, dmr admitted that he had an anger problem. So his W's comment solidifies the idea that she REALLY didn't like him being angry and didn't like having to deal with all the conflict. She just wanted peace.

dmr can continue to think the guy was a 'drip' but if he doesn't control his anger issues, then his W isn't coming back.

Just my 2 cents.