Hi everybody , I'll keep my story short for now , as I know I can go on a bit ! ... I discovered my husband was having an affair at Christmas . I confronted him and he said he wanted to work things out . In february I found another phone which he had been using to call the OW ! He then walked out in me and his two children .
I am trying to cope the best that I can . I have long since stopped begging him to come back ( he said he's never coming back !!). I have lost 50 lbs ( my friends tell me I look like a million dollars - but I don't feel it ! ) .... I have taken the children on holiday .... I've taken care of lots of maintenance jobs that he neglected ... and I have new job lined up starting next month .... I feel that I am "getting on " with my life . I was hoping that all of these things would make me more attractive to him !!
However , I get very mixed feedback from him - limited conversation when he picks the kids up , rarely asks how I'm doing , sometimes looks at me like he hates me , then other times there is the tiniest spark of the man I used to know !
I always try to be pleasant - ask about his work etc , and make him feel welcome ( he's had dinner and lunch a couple of times . But I always sense a barrier from him. I would love him to open up to me , to connect with me , but he classically blames me for his affair - I pushed him towards her !!!! I feel frustrated that he treats me like he doesn't know me - married 22 years together 26 ! ( lots of ups and downs which we worked though) . I supported and loved him in whatever way I could ! His life was my life !!!
He turned 50 last year his business went downhill , we worried about losing everything , he gets a bit of attention and now were separated ( he lives at his mothers ) . The OW is twice divorced with 3 teenagers ! I'm frustrated with everything ... Can our marriage be saved ???? Is it really possible to save a marriage on your own ??
Hi, I am sorry that you are in this situation, it is very painful. It sounds like you are definitely taking care of yourself, which is important. Have you read DR yet? That would be helpful, as thousands of people that thought there was no hope, have turned things around on their own and had the chance to save their marriage. If you haven't spoke to a DB coach that would be extremely helpful. By the end of your very first session, your coach will help you come up with a very specific step by step plan on what to say and do when you have contact with him. The follow-up is critical, so that your coach helps tweak what you are doing. I wish you all the best.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
Sorry you're having this issue. You will get great advice here.
Originally Posted By: sunshine63
I am trying to cope the best that I can . I have long since stopped begging him to come back ( he said he's never coming back !!). I have lost 50 lbs ( my friends tell me I look like a million dollars - but I don't feel it ! ) .... I have taken the children on holiday .... I've taken care of lots of maintenance jobs that he neglected ... and I have new job lined up starting next month .... I feel that I am "getting on " with my life . I was hoping that all of these things would make me more attractive to him !!
Don't change for him, make yourself more attractive for you. Make your self into the person you'd want to marry. If he comes back, great, if not, you're still someone who YOU love being, that's what matters, and that's what's going to make your changes stick.
Stay positive and continue posting!
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
I feel that I am "getting on " with my life . I was hoping that all of these things would make me more attractive to him !!
And they might, but not much time has passed yet. It can take years before a WAS comes out of the fog.
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However , I get very mixed feedback from him - limited conversation when he picks the kids up , rarely asks how I'm doing , sometimes looks at me like he hates me , then other times there is the tiniest spark of the man I used to know !
That's all pretty typical WAS behavior. What you have to do is drop all expectations. If and when these sitches turn around it's when the LBS is least expecting it, and usually when the LBS is in the process of truly making a break and moving on.
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I always try to be pleasant - ask about his work etc , and make him feel welcome ( he's had dinner and lunch a couple of times . But I always sense a barrier from him.
Sounds like you're doing well, you should always show a confident, content you that is enjoying life whether he's in it or not. The "barrier" is usually called the wall around here. He's built a wall around himself to shield his emotions from harm. My question to you is this- what happened in the M that made him build that wall to begin with? Because THOSE things are what you need to do 180's on.
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I would love him to open up to me , to connect with me , but he classically blames me for his affair - I pushed him towards her !!!!
Well he chose to engage in an A, but rarely do affairs happen in strong, loving marriages. So you did contribute to whatever was missing from the M that he felt he had to seek elsewhere. Affairs are symptoms of marriage problems, not the cause. So again, what are those things that drove him away?
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I supported and loved him in whatever way I could ! His life was my life !!!
That is an extremely unhealthy thing to say. That's a codependent statement.
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Can our marriage be saved ???? Is it really possible to save a marriage on your own ??
There are a lot of success stories on these forums, some turnarounds happened when things seemed incredibly bleak! Get DR, read it, then read it again. Read Sandi2's 37 Rules and live those tips! Give your H time and space while you work on you. Good luck!
Well, first of all, congratulations on losing the weight. That's brilliant.
With regards your situation, it is very hard to make someone want to be with you when they've made up their mind but as your H has just turned 50 and had business problems, it may not be that at all.
It's possible that the OW was just a mid-life crisis, making him feel good about himself.
Thank you so much for your comments ! X KarenR yes I have DB and am reading it and following the suggestions although sometime I struggle because I get no response from H . I have thought of DB coaching , but I am working on a very limited buget .
Mimi30 thank you for your positive comments , I have to let it sink in that I don't need to be attractive for him , but for myself ! And I just love your " make yourself into the person you'd want to marry " fantastic !
Another stander - thank you for your comments , I should have said our children . I'm relieved that his mixed behaviour is typical . Also your comments on working on the areas that may have caused the barrier/wall were very important . I would However, disagree (sorry ) that affairs rarely happen in strong loving marriages , research has shown that they do , but I will admit that there were areas that I needed to work on , and I have been trying to do that .
I know that to say " he was my life " is unhealthy / pathetic / weak , but it's only now that I recognise that and fully realise that , and would never make that mistake again . Also he was my first love (!) I have never had sex with anyone else ! ( more fool me !) I have read Sandi's rules ,and found them really helpful.
Another needs help -thank you , I think that the OW was there at a crisis point in our lives . We were very close to bankruptcy , and I had never seen H so low - ever ! He has been self employed for 27 years ! He had worked extremely hard to provide for us and it looked like we were losing everything ! She was there with smiles and frivolity , when I was worried sick about out situation , and how he was handling it . I couldn't compete with his distraction from reality !
Thank you all so much for commenting !!!!
This is maybe a question no-one can answer because every sitch is different , however the OW has already had 2 divorces ! She has 3 teenage children , she doesn't work, her children go to fee paying schools , drives a nice 4x4 , lives in a large house !! I'm wondering if she could be seeing a financial gain from (my ! ) H I don't think he wonks discuss our previous financial probs - he's far too proud !. - anybody any thoughts / comments ? Thanks again everyone , much appreciated !!!
Thank you so much for your comments ! X KarenR yes I have DB and am reading it and following the suggestions although sometime I struggle because I get no response from H . I have thought of DB coaching , but I am working on a very limited buget .
Mimi30 thank you for your positive comments , I have to let it sink in that I don't need to be attractive for him , but for myself ! And I just love your " make yourself into the person you'd want to marry " fantastic !
Another stander - thank you for your comments , I should have said our children . I'm relieved that his mixed behaviour is typical . Also your comments on working on the areas that may have caused the barrier/wall were very important . I would However, disagree (sorry ) that affairs rarely happen in strong loving marriages , research has shown that they do , but I will admit that there were areas that I needed to work on , and I have been trying to do that .
I know that to say " he was my life " is unhealthy / pathetic / weak , but it's only now that I recognise that and fully realise that , and would never make that mistake again . Also he was my first love (!) I have never had sex with anyone else ! ( more fool me !) I have read Sandi's rules ,and found them really helpful.
Another needs help -thank you , I think that the OW was there at a crisis point in our lives . We were very close to bankruptcy , and I had never seen H so low - ever ! He has been self employed for 27 years ! He had worked extremely hard to provide for us and it looked like we were losing everything ! She was there with smiles and frivolity , when I was worried sick about out situation , and how he was handling it . I couldn't compete with his distraction from reality !
Thank you all so much for commenting !!!!
This is maybe a question no-one can answer because every sitch is different , however the OW has already had 2 divorces ! She has 3 teenage children , she doesn't work, her children go to fee paying schools , drives a nice 4x4 , lives in a large house !! I'm wondering if she could be seeing a financial gain from (my ! ) H I don't think he wonks discuss our previous financial probs - he's far too proud !. - anybody any thoughts / comments ? Thanks again everyone , much appreciated !!!
