I think I have been intentionally staying away from the boards lately to try to focus more on life and moving on as best I can. Sometimes I think I start reading other peoples hard times and my heart goes out to them so badly that it takes me back to where I have been…..sadness, bad feelings and all. Plus, there really has not been a ton to update recently. Not a lot of motion, movement or discussion. Just moving along day to day, week to week I think.
First off, the trip with S to San Diego was fantastic. We had the best time – it was truly special and I will always remember it even if he does not. As noted, I hired a photog to do some work for us on the beach and they shots turned out awesome. In fact, the photog liked them so much she put S prominently on her homepage. It was a small thing, but a “proud daddy” moment nonetheless. While we were there we went to SeaWorld, spent time on the beach, hung out on Crystal Pier and watched people fish and surf, had some great meals together, had a picnic at sunset on our balcony that overlooked the ocean……just had a blast. We bonded so well that it was heart-breaking when we had to split up. He cried when I handed him over, and I for sure had tears in my eyes during the drive back home. As I have said before, it is the worst catch 22 ever – the more time you spend with him the more you simply fall in love – and the harder it is to say good-bye when your time is over. It was the best vacation I have had in awhile – I did my best to make it all about him…about us.
Interesting story to note. While we were in the can going from the airport in SD to our hotel, out of nowhere S looks up at me out of the blue and faintly, quietly says “daddy, I miss you when you’re gone and I’m at mommy’s house”. It ripped the heart right out of me to see the look in his eyes when he said that…….it took everything in me to hold back tears. I just gave him a hug and said “thank you for saying that, I miss you too when you’re gone. Maybe one day life will be a little different and we won’t have to miss each other as much”. Those words have stayed with me a lot.
I did hear from XW off and on while we were there….she just wanted to know how he was doing and asked for a picture every now and then. She said she was “grateful” that he was able to have that experience with me.
As for things on the XW front, not too much going on there. We are basically at the 7 week (or so) mark since she left the house for the second time. There has been no hatred, animosity or anger expressed at all and our interactions, though not frequent, are positive and supportive. There have been 1 or 2 times when I have fouled up and simply told her that I miss her and S when they are away….but not too many of those (hey, I am weak at times….mornings are really emotional for me without my old “squad”).
She turned 40 in late July and went to the bay area with S to visit one of her girlfriends. I got her a small gift and a card from me and one from S – she got me an AMAZINGLY nice present for my 40th when she was back at the house so I sort of felt obligated in one way or another. Still, there was no reaching out from me while she was away – I kept very much to myself and let her have her space and time with S. Once or twice she sent over a few pictures of S playing on the beach.
Something I don’t fully understand though….maybe you guys get it more than I. There have been about 3 or so incidents where she has had to come to the house to pick up or drop off S. She will NOT set foot in the place…at all. Yesterday while she was dropping him off she asked to see his backpack for school so she would be able to identify it while she was picking him up. She stood on the front porch like she was Papa Johns driver. I said “come on it” very politely and opened the door a bit wider for her. She said “no, I’ll just wait out here”. I will admit that sort of stung a tiny bit. I mean, when my PARENTS were living there I totally understood why she would not want to come in….she would barely leave her car or the driveway….THAT made sense. But why now? I do not pose some kind of threat to her or anything and, as noted, there has been no hatred spewed back and forth during all of this. Is it memories? Is it a coping mechanism? Is it her way of keeping her walls up?
While she was living back at the house we made a list of things we needed to do – upgrade – around the house. I have started to do those things without her. I recently shared a picture of the wood floors I had put in and she simply replied “They’re awesome. I’m happy for you.” – that felt….weird. “I’m happy for you” just didn’t seem like a fitting thing to say. I know I am probably being too analytical. But maybe THAT is part of the reason she won’t cross the front door? The house is starting to take shape with some of the things SHE asked for and it hard to internalize? Meh – who knows….it’s not my problem – it’s just hard to understand.
So I joined a popular dating site. I didn’t have the strongest drive to do so, but I did it anyway because I felt it was/is key to unhitch and move on along with my next chapter. It’s been a mixed bag – I have been out on three dates. Two were great – one turned out to be….well, let’s just say “south of stable”. I’ve had some good people reach out to me and I have a few more dates to schedule…..but I have also been stood up, to. A friendly reminder that I don’t really LOVE this process – but I am OK with it. I don’t think anyone is capable of hurting me emotionally right now. It’s not that I am dead inside, but rather I know what REAL relationship pain is now and everything else seems rather petty with that as my new benchmark. One woman that I went out with was really interested in my everything that I learned from my D . She was really impressed with the fact that I was very open and honest about all that I felt I did wrong and all that I have learned. She, too, was divorced. Her telling quote was “I don’t understand what else your XW wanted. I would have killed for my XH to acknowledge ANY errors on his part and work to make things right again”. That was flattering and painful all at the same time – but the validation from someone else felt good.
Well, folks, that’s most it for now. I am doing OK and managing my feelings fairly well. Also still giving XW space and not pursuing (with the exception of a few backslides along the way). I still miss them both tremendously, especially my little guy – he is the center of my world right now. But I am adjusting.
For me, I no longer feel comfortable in H's apartment because it is not my space. It is a trigger for me and negative emotions, so no longer will stay there without him or D because it does not feel right anymore. Maybe this is what your wife is feeling? It triggers emotions that she cannot process right now?
I joined, and got off of, a dating site recently. Social experiment number one made me realize just what I wanted in a date, relationship, bf, whatever...and it wasn't that lmao!! Very valuable experience for me in terms of kind of, like you, checking it off and realizing I need an intellectual, emotional connection to be interested in someone..pretty isn't good enough !!
The wood floor pics were weird of you to send. Her reply was better than what I would have come up with. ONE way she could have seen your text was in a negative light, as if you were telling her "another thing to miss" and punishing her. Wasn't this something she had wanted to do while you were married but you refused? So now you are showing her?
Let her hear of the changes from your son or see them from her tiny view from the crack of your door.
If you want, you can say something if it ever rains there, like "Come in out of the rain/dust storm", etc.
OR stand outside the house like you "get" that she's not comfortable...I probably would not do that, but I could see why you might.
I am also glad you have had some decent dates. Just hearing from "normal" women that you are a decent guy DOES HELP.
When I was dating as a separated woman, I met two weird guys, one good guy and one very good guy. Looking back, it makes me feel pretty good to know that while I am with the right man, I think
there are other men out there who would also be good company. Some of them have flaws my h does not have, but some do not have his flaws.
Who knows what might have happened if we had continued? I don't mean that I have second thoughts. I mean to say, even if you and your ex wife don't work out
(and the longer she goes without working on herself, the less likely it is you'll want a reconciliation)
there are other women out there, who have something to give you and whom you could love. That's it.
Also, don't dismiss the concept of another woman loving your son like her own. What will that do to him? It'll give him another source of adult affirmation, that's what. IT's a good thing, not a bad thing. Same goes for OM, if your wife ever opens up to one.
You sound mostly great Crimson...congrats on the trip especially. And please, truly,
go dim.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
on the dating site I went to, I ended up conversing awhile before I'd give my number out (I'd get theirs)
and then only after a few conversations that went well, would I see someone.
Never slept with anyone either. Yes once I wanted to but knew I was not ready. He was alright with that, I think...
anyhow, other than random meetings in a grocery store (OR CHURCH)
or blind dates (and my friends are horrible at choosing for me, but my sisters are good at it)
the online thing is the main way to do it. I hate meeting a man in a bar. If that's where HE is looking, we didn't want the same things.
In short, Keep at it! Which one are you going to see again?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Keep us posted please. Hope all is very well with you. TRULY.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I haven't really posted much or been on the boards a lot because not a lot is new. I don't think anything has slid into decline, per se -- but nothing much has changed. Our interactions remain friendly and kind, but not terribly frequent. Depending on how we manage the schedule, the only time I HAVE to see her is every other Sunday -- and that only lasts for a few minutes. Though brief, they are kind and we catch up a little bit. Outside of that, there is a text every once and awhile - mostly about S...things he says or does.
Last weekend she texted me on a Friday night about an event that she coordinated for her school that got her introduced to the mayor and other local "important" people. She was clearly very excited about it and just wanted to share it with someone. We had a little back and forth about it and that was about it. I have basically avoided church and other places that we may bump into each other.
A few weeks ago during a text exchange see told me that she "feels like a loner in this world". It broke my heart to hear that but I didn't explore it too much and just validated her feelings and moved on.
Speaking of church - a *SLIGHTLY* amazing thing happened two weeks ago. My parents went to church and XW was there with S. S saw my parents (I'm assuming) and made a bee-line for them. They all ended up sitting together and getting along (heard from both sides). At one point, there was a part of the service where you had to turn to the person sitting next to you and tell them that they were "beautiful". My mom actually had to say it to XW....and was fine with it. For all those that have followed my situation THAT is a big step. I don't tihnk anyone will be coming over tea anything soon, but the fact that they all sat together is pretty big...actually, it's really big. Maybe part of a slow, gradual thaw. That Sunday (presumably long after the service) My ex MIL (with whom I still get along) call my parents to talk, but they weren't home. I'm guessing XW told them about the church service. XW was smiling ear to ear when she told me....especially about the "you are beautiful" part. "Can you believe she said that to me????" Was her response to me.
Bottom line, she is still one her side of the fence and I am still on mine more or less...it's been about 3 months since she moved back to her place. And today is almost the 2 year anniversary of BD.
I continue to date here and there, but am no longer on a dating site. Mostly just hanging out with a few people I met there. It keeps me busy and "out". But at the same time I know I have not cleared a lot of room out in my heart for a serious relationship right now. Plus side of that is that whenever someone is no longer interested or stands me up I literally do not care. I feel ZERO pain in it at all....my friend and I joke that I am "partially dead" inside - but I don't know if I am joking 100%. My ability to really bond with another person on a romantic level seems near nil at the moment.
I'm still doing really well with my son. I adore him to the ends of the Earth. I try to make our time together as meaningful as possible and I try to let him know that he is loved by me whether he is with me or not. And yes, I still get tears in my eyes when I drop him off or my time with him is over. I miss him so much at times it feel like my oxygen supply is getting pinched. XW feels the same way and has said as much to me.
Well, that's all really. Nothing too interesting with the exception of the deal with XW and parents at church.
I hope everyone is well and I reamin grateful for all that everyone has done for me in terms of helping me navifate my way through this. Hard to believe it has been two years already.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
please keep us posted anyhow. There are a lot of reasons for me asking. Also I think the whole dating thing, is helpful.
For the most part when I dated during the sep, I learned two important things (and a ton of hilarious not so important things)...
One, I learned that there are good men out there, who could love and be loved. There are also a lot of wounded men, some bitter, some not. (The bitter ones are not very enticing, fyi. I was surprised at how angry some of them seem to be at women in general, and how they shared that with me. ).
Two, I learned that my choice of h was a pretty good one b/c we are well suited for each other, usually. He's smarter than most of the men I met, and is not threatened by being around a partner as educated as he is.
Mostly, It's good news all around really.
SO how does it relate to YOU?
Crimson, I think when you have been OR become a good catch, (And you are now, whether you were before) it shows.
So when your w begins really dating, imo, you'll be more missed than not.
She'll be comparing them to you...and few, if any, will outscore you.
When you really begin to date, opening to the possibility of letting someone into your heart, you will love again. You will be loved again. Probably by a healthier woman, b/c most LBSers who do their work,
Crimson, take your eye off of her for the near future, maybe forever. Life is short.
As I approach another class reunion and see fewer of my friends each time, I am again reminded that Life is so very short.
You are a man who is meant to be loved.
Keep your eye on your own heart, mending it so it can open to another, and your beautiful son.
The more you focus on your ex w, the longer it will take to build your new life.
Again, please keep us posted...we care.
You are an example to many people here. I think you'll continue to be.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
