Good advice. I'm moving forward, but I want a new beginning. I would really prefer another chance with my wife. I realize I don't control that, but I do control things I can do regarding that.
You are right though that being a negative nancy doesn't help a thing. I just really hate the mistakes I made and just pray for another opportunity.
Thanks again.
together 7+yrs Married 3 Me 33 W 33 no kids BD 9/12 MC 9/12 W leaves MC 10/12 W moves out 11/12 Divorce 2/13 W moves 5/13 NC 05/13 D final 8/13
I agree with the don't apologize crowd. You have to look for that door opening just a crack, but you can't push it open yourself, or even barge in if it does open.
If there's any oportunity to communicate, try to adhere to the DB principles - I, too, have failed many times, even though I've been through this whole process once before. Just have to start over, and do better each time.
I suggesst re-reading parts of DR that apply, repeatedly if necessary! Hang in there!
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Hey all. Just curious, why shouldn't I send a letter of apology? Wouldn't that at least help by letting her know I am truly sorry? I don't expect a response, I just want to do this because I feel it is right. Am I wrong? What is the reasoning behind it?
together 7+yrs Married 3 Me 33 W 33 no kids BD 9/12 MC 9/12 W leaves MC 10/12 W moves out 11/12 Divorce 2/13 W moves 5/13 NC 05/13 D final 8/13
So I wrote the apology. I didn't send it. I also included a bunch about the R which I know I can't send. A big part of me though feels that things need to be discussed but I know it is up to her as to when she is ready. But the apology might help.
Today I'm hurting over this. I don't know why as I had a great date last night. It seems that this always follows something amazing is that I reflect later and long for her. How do I change this? I know it should be about my life, and my GAL is great and is very exciting right now. But the best part of my life was always sharing with my wife, our connection as best friends was very strong and that is something that I truly miss.
together 7+yrs Married 3 Me 33 W 33 no kids BD 9/12 MC 9/12 W leaves MC 10/12 W moves out 11/12 Divorce 2/13 W moves 5/13 NC 05/13 D final 8/13
Hey all. Just curious, why shouldn't I send a letter of apology? Wouldn't that at least help by letting her know I am truly sorry? I don't expect a response, I just want to do this because I feel it is right. Am I wrong? What is the reasoning behind it?
Do you realize you keep asking the same thing? You may change the words a little bit, but it's basically the same. You want to do, do, do, do something. No expectation? Of course you have expectations ! If you did write a letter and then heard absolutely nothing in return, you would be wondering what you could do, do, do next. B/c you still believe saving the M is based on something "you" can do. And, like most LBS's, you believe if you can just talk it out, you can work it out.
I'm sorry you are hurting so badly. I wish it were as simple as contacting her and saying just the right words to change her mind. But here is the cold harsh truth: as long as she has a third party in this M, she will not be ready to reconcile to being a faithful W to you. A woman can have sex with multiple partners all day long, but she will not be in love with two men at the same time. She may still care about you, but she does not feel "in love" with you......and won't as long as she wants this OM in any part of her life.
The OM could be sent to the moon and it would not get him out of her head. There is nothing you can do to control her thoughts. And the more you try to contact her, the more disgust she will have toward you. Is that what you want?
By now, you are wanting to ask me, but what can I do, do, do? At this point, you need to look at yourself and ask, "What can I be, be, be?".
Until you get past this mindset of doing something, you will not listen to any of us. I hope you get weary of that idea quickly and want to take a different approach.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you for the words sandi2. I get what you are saying. I just feel that the issue without an apology makes any thought of us in comparison with the other negative.
What can I be? I don't know. I'm just being me right now and working through things the best that I can. You are right about the love thing, she loves the OM so I'm screwed right now as she is in love with him. So where does that leave me? I should just sit and wait? Be patient? Do women change their emotional state? Do you think with what you have read in the thread with zero contact and being so far removed that she would contact me? If so it seems it would only be if she broke up with the OM. Is that correct? If it is, you are saying the only thing I can be is a fall back for her? Second place?
If that were to happen that makes things very difficult. Would that mean she doesn't really respect me?
together 7+yrs Married 3 Me 33 W 33 no kids BD 9/12 MC 9/12 W leaves MC 10/12 W moves out 11/12 Divorce 2/13 W moves 5/13 NC 05/13 D final 8/13
Once again I do truly want to thank you for taking time to post and offer your advice. I realize I'm asking the same thing.
Today was really tough. My thoughts were haunted by the past. I went out with friends but my thoughts were with her. At a dinner party my thoughts were with her. Constant reminders in married couples. At a poker game with friends tonight I still found I was distracted, haunted by the past. Why tonight? It was as if it just happened. I haven't felt this bad in months.
I see every mistake I made. I fought with her, argued against her feelings. It doesn't matter that she lied, or that she was having an EA in the way I handled things. I was acting out of fear, I was trying to save something and by doing that I destroyed it. The harder I tried, the further she became. I put too much pressure and tried to reason and explain things. If we could only try again. Perhaps just start as friends and see if the spark could reignite our love. I don't know if we could get past what happened, I don't even know if I could ever trust her again. I want to believe we could, I want to believe that if she just wanted to try that I could not only trust her but trust in the fact that we both had faith in each other and in our marriage.
Now though I'm face to face with the fact that she is in another relationship. The M and R that we had isn't something she wishes to see. Instead she has decided to start over and forget the past. I get it, it is easier and it makes sense. The last six months were unpleasant for both of us. It started just with confusion and space and asking to forget, saying that we couldn't get past it because I couldn't let it go. At that time I believe she was confused. The constant arguing and begging though just drove her into his arms. She may have already been there, I don't know. I do know though that she was confused then. By the end I know she wasn't.
Who would want to return to arguing and pressure? Nobody. I wouldn't, and I understand why she wouldn't. That is why I feel an apology would help but I understand what you are saying. Your words speak truth and I believe you are right any contact would only hurt things. It is silly but I'm about to say that I just wish there was something I could do. I'm sure she is happy to be away from our situation. I'm sure she is happy with her new R. I want her to be happy. I would prefer though that we gave it a shot.
As for what I can be.... I don't know other than working to be a better me everyday. I want to be a husband only a fool would leave, and I know I'm on that path. I want to be a beacon of light and hope to her, and to fill her heart with love and passion. I want to be her partner, her friend, and her lover. I want to be a husband to my wife. I want to save my marriage.
I'm trying to be patient. Please, I ask you all to help. Please pray for the restoration of my marriage, and for me to move on. I won't give up hope, and I do believe in the love we had and shared.
together 7+yrs Married 3 Me 33 W 33 no kids BD 9/12 MC 9/12 W leaves MC 10/12 W moves out 11/12 Divorce 2/13 W moves 5/13 NC 05/13 D final 8/13
If you read the first thread of other LBH's, you will see how they reacted the same way as you. A letter of apology is one of their desperate attempts. And you know what? They said the same thing.......that it wasn't to get a response......that they just felt it was the right thing to do. Just as the WAW's seem to follow a script (b/c they seem to say about the same thing), so do the LBH's.
"My thoughts were haunted by the past. I went out with friends but my thoughts were with her. At a dinner party my thoughts were with her. Constant reminders in married couples"
Very much like one who loses a S in death. But in death, you know there is nothing you can do to change things. And, just as in losing a S in death, you will go through the stages that have been discussed. Everything pulls up memories of her. Everything seems to enhance your loneliness and pain. The other LBS's here can sympathize with you completely. And everyone (LBS & WAS) has terrible regrets and wish they could have a "do over".
"At that time I believe she was confused"
Another common thought from others who share like experiences. And she probably had some comfussion, but whenever a man tries to argue with a woman about what she "feels" and/or tell her she's just confused........he might as well have declared war! You don't tell a woman that......ever! Don't tell her what her feelings are ....or are not.
"Who would want to return to arguing and pressure? Nobody. I wouldn't, and I understand why she wouldn't"
I agree. Remember when you said if you could just have a friendly conversation you might be able to reach through to her? (I can't recall your exact words.). Why would you expect her to be friendly? She would be on the defense and prepared to counterattack your verbal punches. And even though you would try to start out on the right foot, at some point one of you would say something to trigger the emotions. That's just how it is.
Later on down the road, after plenty of time has past, the two of you may be able to talk, but not now. Before you start jumping for glee, let me explain. I'm not referring to the type of talks you've wanted to have with her, where you are trying to change her mind. You can forget that talk! But you may get one more chance to show her that you can listen to what she wants to discuss. Not by your invitation, but in her own good time.
I'm almost hesitant to bring it up b/c I don't want you to pick and choose the words you want to hear, okay? If you will work on you, and stop trying to figure out some way of snapping her out of the A, etc., and if she has time for reality to set in with her life, I believe she will contact you. But "if" she does, it will be a long time from now. Things have to happen first.
She may even ask for a D. And the truth is, some people marry their AP. Those are the negative things. But the other side is the A could end and once she really has him out of her system, she thoughts could return to you.
Thinking of yourself as second choice is up to you. But you were her first choice to M. And how you handle yourself from this point forward could determine future relationships. Maybe it will be with her, or maybe someone else.......but if you don't learn from all of this and determine within your soul to change for the better, then all this pain will have no value. Make it count! Make this painful experience change you for the better.
"As for what I can be.... I don't know other than working to be a better me everyday. I want to be a husband only a fool would leave, and I know I'm on that path"
Well you must be a remarkable man! Most people have a list of areas to improve. .
" I want to be a beacon of light and hope to her, and to fill her heart with love and passion. I want to be her partner, her friend, and her lover. I want to be a husband to my wife. I want to save my marriage."
Okay, but you are thinking in terms of what you want to be if you stay M to her. I'm not talking about just improvement as a H. I mean as a man. Is there any need for personal improvement? Stretch your thinking beyond the M. What were you like before marriage? Are you the same now? Maybe so, if you haven't been M very long.
In order to be a H only a fool would leave, you have to be the man.....first.
One way to make this painful time valuable, is to use it as your training time to shape up. Shape up physically, mentally, socially, spiritually, etc. When the board tells you to get out and GAL, it is b/c of the valuable benefits it has to healing and getting in shape to be that guy on,y a fool would leave. And if she is a fool, you discover that you will be happy without her. If she isn't a fool, you will have the opportunity to do those things you want so badly, at this moment in time.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks again for the wisdom... The D is already filed, we did that a bit ago. Nothing is final it should be in the next few months though.
I do have a great deal I'm working on with regard to my own GAL. As a man my goal has always been to be a better man today than I was yesterday. I've come a long way this year in terms of my body, mind, and soul. I've grown more than I ever could have imagined and continue my education on a daily basis. I'm working out, reading much more, evaluating what I want out of life, meeting new people, learning new hobbies, and stumbling along the way. I'm growing but also realize there is a great deal of work to be done. This experience has only quickened my resolve and accelerated my growth in that it has made me greatly aware of every mistake I have made and ever flaw I wish to correct. It is going to take a while, maybe years but I'm growing and learning every day.
The funny thing is that so many of the amazing things I'm doing makes my mind go to her. I say to myself how much she would love this experience, or that one, or how amazing it would be to share this or that with her.
Today started horribly as it was actually worse than yesterday. When I read your response I was emotional and very sad. By the end of the day it was magical, there are no other words to describe it. I met kindred spirits that were beacons of light and hope on my journey and they really helped shift my perspective at least for today. If this feeling fades tomorrow I can at least say that I felt something close to bliss today. I've been happy a great deal during this and sad, but nothing like this. By the end of today I went from pretty sad to unbelievably happy. I'd swear it was almost bi-polar. I've never experienced anything like this.
I was able to discuss all of this and we all connected on a very deep level, it was beautiful. We also expressed what we have learned and what we want a year from now. The most amazing thing was how much better I felt being around these people - some of whom I had just met. You ever just connect with people Sandi? I mean really connect? We were sharing intimate feelings, details, experiences, hopes and dreams like we've known each other for our entire life times. It felt beautiful.
My W is still in my thoughts and I do love her and miss her. However, after speaking with one of the woman today I want to feel as she does. It was so beautiful, so pure and full of passion and love. It was beyond acceptance and wishing your partner happiness and love. It was a true love without expectation and a gratitude for everything that has transpired.
I pray that I find this feeling and that the feelings I have today stay as your words and these experiences are truly resonating with what I want - with or without my W.
The bitter does certainly make the sweet that much sweeter, I thank you for your wisdom and kind advice. I really do appreciate your wisdom and help in this difficult time. Thank you again for your support.
together 7+yrs Married 3 Me 33 W 33 no kids BD 9/12 MC 9/12 W leaves MC 10/12 W moves out 11/12 Divorce 2/13 W moves 5/13 NC 05/13 D final 8/13
