Questions without answers...am I stuck in place?

[Whiterose]

Sending you bug hugs Linda

I think I'm in the same boat with not taking things personally. They say these things to hurt and try as I might they hit home.

Of course him leaving in a month is preying in your mind, I think it would to anyone, be gentle with yourself

[albamarie]

Linda,

I shortened my attitude down to IamDm. The reason I had that attitude was because H still calls me mama and I resent it!

But you know if he does, it will just be temporary. If my H chooses the Tramp over me, it will not be temporary because I will be done at that point. Is that how you feel?

Oh, heck yea, I would be done! YEs, I can say there is a small spot of L for him that he earned after all these yrs together and as the F of my kids, but believe me it is tucked away, and protected.

Not taking it personal is my biggest hurdle as well. I was so willing to take the blame and be the victim. He never gave it to me tho, he thought I was crazy asking what's did I do wrong.

Good to hear from you, I will look for your request.

[albamarie]

Oh Linda, about the BD second coming!

I am thinking that H moves out and then he hooks up w EA and now that becomes a BD. One we don't come back from!

I have no need to be that incognito. Plus, H can never touch my computer, it's a Mac and he's already Windows challenged, plus he knows I would know...my car, my computer, my ipad, my phone, soon my bed, are all off limits to him.

I really have detached quite a bit, we only have the business left and his meager attempts to make conversation over his schedule. Oh, and his still insistence on holding me at night, what is that? It's like in the dark, behind close doors, where even he doesn't have to admit it, he likes me.

[nero]

hey guys -

boy - do i get the "leaving" bit. my h "leaves" alot - like on and off every several weeks for past two years (well - that's how long i've known for sure he's got ow)

i used to notlike it much - but believed him and in him before that. it's ebeen a bazillion years now-

i hate it every time- i wonder when the heck he'll just PICK HER and leave me for dead here - BUT AT LEAST IT WILL BE OVER.

I DECIDED NOT TO MAKE IT EASY FOR HIM- IDK WHY- he's a rat and if he's choosing to do THIS to me- i'm choosing to do THAT to him. if it's torture- well, man up and stop it one way or the other guy.

idk- linda - my h used to make wiseguy comments i never took personally too- now all of a sudden - it 's all true, isn't it? it's not joking any more.

i don't know if he gets that or not. i don't think my h has much or any self- awareness -

gotta go- car in drive i think hang on girls.

we all DREAD the leaving- of each sort. what a hell of a way to go thru life huh???? this dreading the other shoe droping ALLLLL THE TIME> WE WERE watching tv last nite a blurb sayign housewifes experience major stress-

he asked me if i'm stressed - i was sooo surprised i couldn't even answer. said something dumb like i don't work fulltime-

i'm sooooo STRESSED on a daily basis i'm lucky to still have hair i think- betwen him and my mother my stress levels are probably thru the roof - yet he asks like regular old conversation?????

since i know he is not interested in what i think or feel- i was happy i didn't even bother saying it.

i'm assuming all the old rules db apply- he's not interested- so don't tell him.

i'm outta here for moment. IT SURE IS ALL ABOUT THEM- WE DON'T EXIST AND IT'S NOTHING TO DO WITH US OTHER THAN OTHER GUY THERE AND HANDY TO BLAM BLAME BLAME

AS I SEE IT- mwd sure is rite about alot of stuff. NOW- WILL SHE BE RIGHT IN ANY OF OUR CASES that given enough time and space they will reemerge - AS THE GIANT BEAUTIFUL LOVING BUTTERFLIES THEY ONCE WERE.

GAG gag ick ick ick- just me being ratty. ya have to wonder - donja?

linda - glad your heart is hardening up one tiny bit- it's hard not "feeling" it all. dawn- glad to hear your voice today too.

xxo

[nero]

dawn-

forgot i wanted to say- we're here with ya . you're taking a big step there- you've ben thinking it over a long time- you're doin great i think - so eeven tho , probably lots of flack and wierdness to come- you sound good , and i'm happy to hear it.

the dreading sept. - it's hard - it's hard to watch them go - it's hard to dread them coming back- it's alllll hard. we're gonna be such muscle women at the end of this all-

it'll be okay one way or the other- at least you've moved off the spot- (wehere we all begin- now, how to get off it???) (i'll get there in the end - i guess we all do ultimately)

so- hope your day is good and hang on and what's up with your "gang" =- etting excited about the baby?

xxoo

[albamarie]

I'm giving the ole think positive GAL who cares attitude but as I sit here at Honda by myself I can't shake the knowledge that H went straight from work and hung out w EA.

This is the stuff I don't want to know anymore, I told him the only way to get out of knowing and get away from her calls is to get rid of him, he was fine w that. He said he wants to open his own account w a debit card and put side work in there so as to not touch my home account so he can spend it how he wants.

It's a lot of effort just to be w her in peace and no effort to come home! He has to leave my home and really be in the thick of her life with no recourse before he will see. But, it will be too late!

He tells her all our business, he told her his checks are direct deposits and she's trying to talk him into freezing our assets. Shes only about the money for alcohol and drugs.

I'm sad that we are parting, if even not literally, and she's injecting herself between us. He not giving in to her but that constant chirping in his ear has to have some influence.

We're not going to have anything , 24 yrs gone because of a POS, God is working slowly and not showing me the answers. I find myself praying to just end this, end him, he says it, death is quick and over! Leave me one ounce of the man I know to cry over before he swallowed whole.

I'm GAL but this is following me.

they want me to trade in my '11 Accord LX for a new CRV not LX..help these men can smell my loneliness and are trying to fill it w an SUV.

[RosaLinda]

Wow! "H can never touch my computer, it's a Mac and he's already Windows challenged, plus he knows I would know...my car, my computer, my ipad, my phone, soon my bed, are all off limits to him.

I really have detached quite a bit, we only have the business left and his meager attempts to make conversation over his schedule. Oh, and his still insistence on holding me at night, what is that? It's like in the dark, behind close doors, where even he doesn't have to admit it, he likes me."

You ARE amazingly detached Dawn. Wow! But yes, of course your H still likes you, behind closed OR open doors. He loves you. He just is going thru something right now, he does not know how to show it, his mind is messed up. Do you think he is planning to move in with EA when he leaves in Sept even though he said he might have to "make a commitment" to her? Is there anything he could say or do that will make you change your mind, such as if he gives up EA for good during August? Inquiring minds want to know

Nero, it is so hard to get our good humor and positive outlook on life back after being kicked in the teeth 23 or 24 times, isn't it? "idk- linda - my h used to make wiseguy comments i never took personally too- now all of a sudden - it 's all true, isn't it? it's not joking any more.
i don't know if he gets that or not. i don't think my h has much or any self- awareness"

No I'm sure your H does not realize how his "jokes" hurt you now. MLC seems to cause them to lose some of their "humanity." I don't know if that is the right word, but some ability to connect with other people. My H has dropped all of his friends except for RT, he doesn't even talk to his mother on the phone every week any more. When he makes a nasty remark he seems oblivious as to how it makes me feel. Or maybe he does it on purpose, I don't know. It's like he feels this is HIS time to do what he wants and say what he wants and every one else can just go scratch!

PS Dawn my H calls me stupid things too, that annoy the heck out of me. Like Sis. Pal. Buddy. Grrrrr they make me so mad. I used to say I am NOT your sister H. But I do not let him know anymore. Being called "Mama" would really tick me off

[RosaLinda]

oh gee Dawn I did not see your latest post before I sent mine. That is crazy that EA wants your H to freeze your assets and trade in your car so she can buy alcohol and drugs. Holy crap. Have you talked to a lawyer? I think it is time.

[reachingHigher]

I'm just curious, because this is where I am at right now. My H has stopped relying on home for his meals, and has started doing his own laundry saying it's because I already do too much, and he is talking about opening his own bank account.

I too take that as really distancing himself to me and our home, and at the same time he talks to EA every single day, buys her dinner and takes her on drives. So I gave him a date of 9/1 to move out.

Your story is on it's way upward, did you have any idea you would be were your at now?

Hi Dawn!

I apologize that it has been a very long time since I looked at your thread. As my sitch started getting better and H spending more time with me, I had to cut down on how much time I spend here. But that's good, right?

I'll just answer what I know...not things I don't know...such as what you should do

Initially at your question my first thought was...I never guessed I would be here, but that isn't really accurate.

Let me make an analogy.

About 17 years ago I had a very big major surgery that lasted five hours and had like 250 sitches. (Hidden under clothes) H & I (just dating at the time) were worried about scars. How would my body scar and look years later?

The doc said to look at how my body had handled scars in the past and expect that same result. And he was right.

So.....in my sitch (with some help of my friends here) I looked at how my H had handled major decisions in the past. If it was a decision that he was pressuring me into...he had repeated behavior of pushing me into agreement and then at the eleventh hour...backing out.

So there was this suspicion (T^2 helped with this...from a guy's perspective) that I should go along with H (also DB coach said the same) and know he might not go through with it. That is exactly what happened and H has the satisfaction of knowing I was willing to go the distance. I think it has helped on a rapid recovery as "control" was a big issue with him and me -- stemming from problems with his mom.

My H had no known PA but did have a mild EA, of his own admission. But he was addicted to alcohol and partying and the idea of being "available" to any woman. It was a dream he had to give up for himself in order to come back with me.

Also, for me, while he was out, I concentrated a lot on physical appearances. He was out of the house in March of 2012 and I could always look my best when I saw him. And I did. And he liked it. And he missed it.

So back to your sitch. I'm no fortune teller but I can say that you could look at your H's past history in decision making. Any comparisons to this sitch you are in? (I used monetary purchases for my comparisons).

Also, before he moved out, I lived with my H as a live-in MLCer for six months although I didn't know the term at the time. He went out three nights a week. I didn't know with who or where. He typically came home between 11:30 pm and 1 am and immediately showered. Did the phone-hiding thing, separated our accounts, etc.

You know we got within a week of D in December 2012. So we were basically totally separated. I got his stuff out of the house and gave it to him and I filed in November of 2012. But only b/c he pressured me to D. So basically he never signed the papers and they are still waiting to be signed at the L's office.

I wish I could help. I am willing to share my story but I know all MLCers share some things but are also have differences.

I'll be happy to answer anything else or explain things that aren't clear. I wish you the very, very best

rH

P.S. I always tried to "follow his lead" and that's how I got here. It svcks, I know, but now he has been treating me like a queen. Heck, I deserve it, right? Lol!!!

[RosaLinda]

Thank you for this explanation rH. I've been musing about it on my thread. It's difficult to see clearly.....

Dawn, if he is only doing his own laundry and making his own meals, I'd say that IS distancing. My H declared his "independence" in Nov 2010, right in the thick of EA1, and started doing exactly the same things. But now he does all the laundry and cooks all the meals for both of us. So it may not last.