I can relate to what you're feeling right now. The eagerness to show off what we have learn to our W. I'm guess this is life's way of teaching us to be patient now. My W too is very stubborn, I can understand that feeling of trying to explain things to my W. In fact that is what i did before the BD, what i didn't realized that when i try to explain everything to her i'm actually invalidating her feelings.
However I can't seemed to be able to give you any sound advice now as i'm trying to get myself unstuck and GAL for the sake of myself, but i will be here to give you my support.
Thank you for your support digdeeper. What advice though would you give regarding my situation? I contacted her about once a month but it was typically trying to reason and arguing about the EA which she now feels wasn't a big deal and was a fantasy even though she now has a PA with him. Her details have changed greatly but the response has been the same. I argued, apologized, and begged. The worst possible combination, I drove her into his arms. It's been over six months of arguing and everything else. Now it has been about three months of NC.
Can I do anything? What should I do? How can I initiate contact in anyway?
together 7+yrs Married 3 Me 33 W 33 no kids BD 9/12 MC 9/12 W leaves MC 10/12 W moves out 11/12 Divorce 2/13 W moves 5/13 NC 05/13 D final 8/13
I just feel that because I pressured her and pretty much broke every single one of the 37 rules for so long that there is absolutely no hope. I mean she doesn't look at any of our past in any good light and I'm pretty sure she lost all respect and love for me because of it.
I wish I could show her things have changed but that wouldn't do anything.
So many things I'd like to say but it all just doesn't help. Nothing did, and well I don't know what would.
together 7+yrs Married 3 Me 33 W 33 no kids BD 9/12 MC 9/12 W leaves MC 10/12 W moves out 11/12 Divorce 2/13 W moves 5/13 NC 05/13 D final 8/13
I just feel that because I pressured her and pretty much broke every single one of the 37 rules for so long that there is absolutely no hope.
There's nothing you can do to change that, so learn from your mistakes, don't make them again, and move forward. Dwelling on mistakes and letting them eat you up inside serves absolutely no positive purpose towards any goals you have.
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I mean she doesn't look at any of our past in any good light and I'm pretty sure she lost all respect and love for me because of it.
So? You never know what can change over time, but you CAN know that wallowing in self pity isn't healthy or productive. So watcha gonna do?
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I wish I could show her things have changed but that wouldn't do anything.
Pure speculation and nothing but negativity.
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So many things I'd like to say but it all just doesn't help. Nothing did, and well I don't know what would.
DB'ing and showing consistent, positive change over the long haul can work. Being a negative Nancy had no chance of success.
Your choice.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Clearly you are itching to contact your W, I understand, but listen to everyone on here and DO NOT DO IT!!!! It doesn't matter what reason you come up with right now, she will not receive it well.
The best thing you can do is keep working on yourself, growing, making the changes that needed to be changed in order for you to be a spouse that only a fool would leave.
At some point in the future when she hits the same problems in her current relationship, she may realize that she played a part in the downfall of your M too. When you find out she is having trouble, or that R is over, you may still want her and you may not.
However, living apart (esp in separate states) with her right in the middle of the high of a new R, there isn't anything you can say that will bring her back or make things look different. That doesn't mean there won't ever be, it just means there isn't today.
The other thing you want to do is start reading stories and look for those that are similar to yours and follow them. You will learn a lot by doing that.
Good luck with everything...in the meantime, it sounds like you have the best GAL going!
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
Itching isn't even the word. I feel like the only way to move forward is to apologize for pressuring. I want to also explain things and talk about things but I know that is a horrible idea. However, what if I just apologize for pressuring? That is something I feel I need to do.
The thing is I want a relationship with her, I want a chance for her to be my wife again. I believe if we had that chance we would have a much better relationship, I know I would not make any of the mistakes I made before and that I wouldn't take a single day for granted. That said I know she has to want it to. However, I don't think she will as things were left. Also, her moving and being in a new R is pretty much a new life. That life is exciting and new and full of great possibility.
I don't think I can bring her back or anything. At least not right now. But I do believe I can at the very least open the idea of communication and if not well I'm in the same boat I'm in.
I do need to find similar stories. Know of any? Our situation is weird and I believe that it caused a great many issues. The way I handled it caused the decay and distance.
As for GAL... Life is good. I'm just back from the gym and going out with some friends for dinner. I've had a pretty stressful week but it has also been great in other areas. It's just the ebb and flow of life I guess. The thing is when amazing experiences happen (like this weekend twice.) All I think about later is how much she would have loved and appreciated that, or how amazing that would have been with her.
I know though that our R is over. I also know though that it requires two and right now there is no interest at all on her behalf. Her behavior was bad, and her actions and betrayal of the marriage and everything else are her own issues. I cannot fix those or address them as they are her own. I blame myself though for how I reacted. If I had followed the 37 steps who knows where we'd be. I also know I've changed from all of this and the only thing I know for sure is that I don't care about what happened, I understand it, I just would prefer that we try again. I know I've learned and that I can do better. That is why I wonder if I should apologize, at the very least it might open the door.
So that's me and where I'm at.
together 7+yrs Married 3 Me 33 W 33 no kids BD 9/12 MC 9/12 W leaves MC 10/12 W moves out 11/12 Divorce 2/13 W moves 5/13 NC 05/13 D final 8/13
