My Story - Need Help... Is there hope?

[truelovewaits]

I'd still like to know if I should write to apologize for pressuring her and letting her know that running though won't solve anything. Pushing it away and attempting to ignore reality is hiding from what happened. It is running away.. I believe I'd need to change the dynamic to have hope. That and the other is I feel a part of her is running away and trying not to contact me over shame or guilt. She hasn't been able to deal with any of this, I mean she can't even talk about it. It's too much.

[Whiterose]

Hi TLW

I'm sorry you're here....it [censored] ass.

In regards to writing the letter, in my opinion, no....leave it be. Pretty much everything you say right now will be misconstrued or, at the very least, annoy her. It's so hard, I really understand that, the first three months for me I wanted to talk to my H all the time to try and make him understand. I wasn't too bad, I don't think, I only tried 3-4 times and I still got no where.

My H has very little contact with me directly but since I've gone dark and have made GAL even more my mantra and started 180 I've heard through the grape vine that he's making the tiniest of comments about how hard he's finding it. I was desperate to "fix" my H and my M and it's only possible if I work on myself while he works on himself .....whatever form that takes for the WAS at the moment. My H complained I was the dictator, in a way I was, I am also the fixer and the problem solver of our relation ship and its been a brick wall for me to understand that my old ways of dealing with H are just NOT going to work.

She does feel shame and guilt but she's unable to recognize it in herself right now and it's not your job to force her to see it. Running away is also perfectly true......my H has run so far no one knows exactly where he lives. No one! Does it freak me out? Sure does! He drives an hour to and from work on a route I don't know. Him room gets no cell reception so if something happens to him, or I need to call about my boys, I can't get ahold of him.....I have not commented on this once.

I'm new to this too and I'm sure some of the more seasoned people here have better advice but I truly wish you peace in your heart and joy in your life

[truelovewaits]

Thank you so much for your advice Whiterose. I hope that your H realizes the folly of his ways and recognizes the importance of marriage and returns to you soon. I'm in a difficult situation and although things are great for me I wish I was able to experience things with her. When on the beach in malibu a few weeks ago I experienced a sexual encounter that I had never experienced and enjoyed it very much. Driving home I couldn't help but think how amazing it would have been with my ex. Tonight I met an amazing an attractive female who I will take out this weekend. That said I don't know if it will replace her. Even the woman I'm seeing on a some what serious basis who is amazing is something I compare to. Although she does win in every comparison so far in terms of beauty, education, attraction, knowledge, and spiritual understanding as well as beliefs. Still there is a part of me that wants nothing more than to reach out to my ex and to rekindle the passion and love we once had. I believe we could be so much better. I know I'm amazing now and better than I ever was. I guess I just wanted to share that with her. I appreciate your advice that I cannot contact her but a huge part of me wishes I had the education and knowledge i have now as I feel I could have handled things much better and changed the way things were. Still I also know I don't deserve to be treated the way she treated me. In the end I guess I'll just keep moving forward and allow life to show me the way. Whatever happens, happens.

Thank you for the advice.

[truelovewaits]

How do you do it? How do you wait? How do you not contact him? What if you feel that you ended things wrong? I just feel that I dealt with all of it wrong. I was angry, I pressured her, I fought, I begged. I did everything wrong. Those are her last memories of me, would anyone want to come back to that? Would you?

As a woman what would you suggest? Should I send her an email? Should I send a gift? I don't want to ignore her. I also don't want to annoy her. I just feel that if I could have handled the situation better she wouldn't have cheated physically (I am assuming she didn't until after she left but the EA was there for sure.) I understand the EA as we both handled the distance poorly. Doesn't excuse the behavior, but it is understandable. Once upon a time we were beyond best friends and shared everything, we were more than best friends and our love was full of passion and excitement. Now we don't even speak and the person who left is someone who really didn't care or respect me.

How do you deal with all of this community? I know GAL, I get it. I have to say I do have one, but she is always on my mind. Right now my life is more exciting than it ever was. I am also apart of things that I know she would love more than I do (and I love them.) It kills me.

It does get better and has, but still I feel that this part of me will always be here and I'll always yearn to restore what we once had or to try for something better if we just had the opportunity. Knowing that I wonder what I could do to help the situation I guess.

If nothing is the best solution than I will do it. As difficult as it is I will, but if any one feels I should do anything else please let me know.

[truelovewaits]

So community I need help. What do I do if I want to re initiate contact? I can't show any progress made or even begin to open up any discussion without communication. I know she is very stubborn and the way we left things wasn't good. I also know I said that I didn't want to be friends and that I wanted to try again as a married couple.

I've learned so much and there is so much I want to share. I want to discuss the R but I know that shouldn't happen. What about just opening a dialog? I know that would look weak but I don't care. I really would like to see if we can move beyond this and rediscover each other. I know right now that is very unlikely, but I also know without communication it won't happen.

I need every ones help. We haven't spoke to each other at all in about 3 months.

[Whiterose]

Hi TLW

As a woman I say, for now, leave her alone. When my H and I were together and he would contact me constantly, which he did as he is very social, and if I was busy or in the middle of stuff it would irritate me to no end......and I'm not in the middle of a MLC.

I don't make contact for a few reasons. My H knows how I feel, there is literally nothing more I can say. I've apologized for my part in it. I've told him I love him. I've said I'm in until the end. I've also told him I would not help with lawyers, etc. also, I'm a very "end game" type personality......I understand that if I contact him now I loose the chAnce of winning the ultimate prize and I'm not ready to to do that.

Have you done GAL and your 180's? For a long enough time? It's harder for those of us with spouses not in the home becAuse they are not there to see the day to day changes. Make sure you've given that a good enough amount of time. My H is always on my mind as well. We share children and then there's the fact he works two blocks from our home in a place that is visible from anywhere in our area. He also has a highly visible building with his part time job visible from many places in our city. These two places also heavily advertise tv, radio and social media so everywhere I turn he's there. He's been gone just over three months and although I think of him often I no longer allow myself to wallow in it. My concern for him is high, I believe he's in the depression stage (with replay and withdrawl) and I come from a family that hAs battled depression (sometimes with the end result being suicide) but I CANNOT let it control me. My boys need me. I need to work so I don't lose our home and again I'm keeping my eye on the prize. This community has actually helped to focus my attention so I feel that in helping myself I am actually working on my marriage.

I'm sorry if this is All over the place. I'm new and this is where I'm at currently....maybe others have some thoughts?

Take care of yourself.......

[truelovewaits]

Thank you so much for your guidance and support Whiterose. I'm amazed at your determination and discipline. I believe your husband will eventually see the error of his ways. Keep up the good work.

I've done GAL and 180s but I've screwed up and backslid a bunch. I know she views me as weak because of what happened in the past and the chasing and bringing things up drove her away. She now doesn't see me as anything but a brother at best but she doesn't speak to me at all or wants to. She doesn't want to face any of it and has said that she wasn't happy in the M and that she just M a best friend (even though there was surely a strong love.)

I also didn't handle my responses as well as you did as I said I begged and fought and told her I didn't want to be friends. She is in another state and there really is no way for her to know anything that is going on. Not to mention if she heard anything it would be through operator which would only cause miscommunication.

I'm all over the place too right now. A good part of me knows that I can't contact her right now. Another though feels she will never contact me again and that if I don't establish a friendly contact she'll be gone forever. If she feels she is done and is with the OM is it over? As a woman do you feel you could change your mind? What if one of the primary reasons was that you felt that the EA would never be forgotten and held over your head? I tried to say this wouldn't be an issue but we never got to really discuss it and the EA continued even when she lied that it was over. She then called it a fantasy.

I'd love more perspective and advice from you and the community. Thank you again for your help. I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for you and for your family. I admire your courage and dedication to your family, you are an example for us all. Regardless of anything else your children are lucky to have such an amazing mother.

Take care. Thank you again.

[Whiterose]

Thank you truelovewaits for your kind words but in the brginning I did it all wrong. The week after then BD I begged, pleaded, cried......I feel that's what pushed him to move out. Once he was out I was less crazy but would still talk R if he called. On some level I understood that he didn't want to deal with me though so I really didn't pursue and would go dim, even though I didn't have a name for it.

You need to detach. Learn to understand that this time is for you to heal and become a better man. If, and when, she contacts you you will know how to address all the. Issues that have arisen I believe that people accepting what they've done, changing their mind, asking for forgiven comes with maturity......our spouses are children right now. Once they see the light I definitely think they can change their minds and make an amends WE cannot make them see the light though.

Just like you I have bad days. Days I cry in the car or my stomach is just all in knots and the stress and sadness make mr want to crawl into bed and stay there. A fried of mine, she introduced me to the site here, says that every day you are closer to happiness....whatever form that takes

[LBH_LC]

So community I need help. What do I do if I want to re initiate contact? I can't show any progress made or even begin to open up any discussion without communication. I know she is very stubborn and the way we left things wasn't good. I also know I said that I didn't want to be friends and that I wanted to try again as a married couple.

I've learned so much and there is so much I want to share. I want to discuss the R but I know that shouldn't happen. What about just opening a dialog? I know that would look weak but I don't care. I really would like to see if we can move beyond this and rediscover each other. I know right now that is very unlikely, but I also know without communication it won't happen.

I need every ones help. We haven't spoke to each other at all in about 3 months.

TLW, I've been there. Hell, I'm still pretty much right there. You've got to have patience. That's why the GAL is so important, it lets you take the focus off your spouse and your relationship, and focus on yourself.

I went for over 5 months with no contact with my W, but she eventually initiated contact at a point when I least expected it. It is a very gradual process, and there's no guarantee that I'll end up where I want to be, or that it will be the same for you. But I will guarantee that if you pressure her, you will not end up where you want to be.

What are you doing to GAL?

[truelovewaits]

Thank you so much LeftCoast LBH. I feel your struggle and hope and pray that your wife returns to you. I'll continue with no contact but I feel that unless I try to help move things in the right direction that she will continue to have hurt and fear towards our relationship. I don't want to annoy her though or come across as weak. I'm stuck though.

As for GAL. I'm currently having the time of my life. I work out 3-5 times a week and have not looked or felt this good since I was in college. I date women, but that actually has only caused me to miss her more as I miss the connection we had and the little gross intimacy we shared as we knew everything about each other and held no secrets for a very long time. I go out to events often and have experienced many new amazing things. I am actively involved in social groups now, some that I couldn't even imagine. I am actively engaged in nature, hiking, painting, photography and the arts. I also now ice skate and play hockey again. I go out to bars with new friends and old ones. I have new nephews and nieces in my life and I attend many dinner parties. I read a great deal and debate the learning experiences of the R with friends, family and many others. Above that my job is great and I'm actually considering leaving it to form a start up as I am excited by many opportunities within the ecosystem. In short life is amazing, but also amazingly complicated. I enjoy the ebb and flow of life, but feel that I wish I could share this with my wife and that the past several years we did things wrong and that we handled what happened very poorly.