Does it matter if its WAW or MLC, treat the same?

[chasingpavements]

How is everything going Thumpered?

This is Highway61.. had to change my username as I found out that H had been reading my threads secretly... so I am now incognito, cause I wanted to keep posting on here! lol.

Hope everything is ok with you and that you are having a good weekend. My H is gone camping with the kids this weekend so it has been a bit lonely and quiet here around the house with them gone, but they are coming home tonight.

[Thumpered]

Tyvm for checking in, I must admit I think about you daily, wondering how youve been doing.

After reading so many negative threads lately, seems quite a few of us had turns for the severe worst recently, and a lot of advice to go dim. Ive been doing my best, but to just feel my own pain and just grieve my marriage instead of run from it. I guess its helping me detach like losing a loved one to death.

I hope your doing ok. The crazy back and forth can really be harder to deal with than the initial bd shock. Sometimes its so funny how getting away from our spouses can be a relief. Use this time to recharge your batteries and get the negativity out of your system. Hopefully you'll be ready, mentally and physically, to get yourself ready to for another round of time ant patience.

Im to the point, that my wife cant be honest with me right now, and seems to be going out of her way to hurt me, that it is best to just prepare myself to move on now. That two decades could mean absolutely nothing to someone, in fact working so hard to make it all disappear while being so cold and resentful while doing it still just shocks the hell out of me. I guess its the usual lbs/was banter we do with ourselves. She content on trying it with someone else, We see issues, they only decide to see problems.

Now that I know your ID change. Im looking forwad to catching up on your sitch. Things sounded a bit neutral, but at the same time positive last I knew what i was reading. Hopefully things are progressing along.

Im without internet right now, moved into a bigger place, they said internet was up but its not. Between no cable and everything I own right now not even filling half the new living room, life is a little daunting. Even a sneeze echoes thru like an empty canyon. Too broke to buy what I need, and still no end in sight of the mountain of debt. Life must go on, what doesnt kill you makes you stronger, right?

And trying to read on this tiny phone screen gets old fast. Amazing how bad you can miss the internet. Thx again for checking in. We'll see you on the boards soon. Please take care till then.

[chasingpavements]

You're welcome! I know, I often think of how you are doing as well! You really helped me out when I was feeling sad. We are all in such a tough situation right now. I still can't believe all of this either, how a spouse can change so drastically, especially after so many years of marriage. I always assumed that love would be unconditional, I never really expected any of this to happen. So crazy! How am I still in shock after all of these months?

Hope you are doing okay and keeping busy. I found it strange to be alone in the house with no H or children this weekend.. I ended up eating mac and cheese for dinner with a glass of wine.. haha! Hopefully you get your internet soon. Have your children been to see your place yet? How are they holding up?

Take care,
CP

[Verum]

Thumpered, I'm catching up on your sitch after being distracted by my own.

You mention that your W seems to be going out of her way to hurt you. In my sitch, with time, I think DB-ing and 180's helped diffuse this tendency. If you are nice, calm, and non-combative in all interactions with the W, then it is more difficult for them to hate you or blame you for their problems. The 180's were on behaviors and things I did that caused the W pain. For example, being critical of her, complaining, and other small things that made living together better for both of us.

Try to keep up the PMA and maintain cordial relations from your side at all times and maybe with some time, your W's anger towards you will dissipate.

[MileHigh]

My W seems to have burned through the anger (knock wood). Took about a month. There was a flurry of asking me for little things. Now it's quiet. Of course I'm hoping there's a lot of thinking going on while it's quiet.... But, no way to know.

There's a reason they call it a roller coaster. I think the analogy fits the WAS/MLCer, and the LBS.

[Thumpered]

Seems i'm only logging in every OTHER day recently, was hoping to log in and read some good news and be happy for at least someone. The 16 threads I've really been following, 15 of them had a turn for the worst recently (affairs mainly). Need some positive news, even if its not for my sitch.

We need to find out if our spouses are all drinking the same bottled water or something. I've recently learned that 3 more of my friends are having moderate to severs marriage problems as well. Not a club I wanted anyone joining me in.

I've also been sick, some kind of stomach virus lately, hard to keep food down, and my energy level is even lower than it was before. Hope everyone reading is doing ok.

In a real funny moment, I had a 29 year old waitress pass me her phone number. She is very pretty. Sadly, im not attracted to her, at least not right now. I've still got a bit of work on myself to do before I can make someone else happy.

Day by day, step by step, thought by thought.....moving forward.

[Thumpered]

Also on a side note, I've had a some blood in my urine recently. Trying to get in to see a dr., no funds, no insurance now.

My father died at 54, my grandfather at 44(although he was shot in killed in the line of duty-cop) Hope im not having prostate troubles already.

[MileHigh]

I can tell you I'd feel pretty stoked if a 29 yo gave me her number, instead of a dirty look, LOL. :-D

You've been all over the forum helping others, and really seem to have a great grasp on the DB principles. I promised myself I'd keep trying to help others on here when W and I started piecing 6 yrs ago, but when I failed to keep up with the piecing, I failed to keep that up, too. :-(

Sorry to hear about the health and insurance problems. I have a whole parcel of them, and I remember trying to work with my dad and brother in our own business and having to give up and go back to the corporate world and my cubicle because I needed the benefits. Good luck with the medical appointment. Keep us posted.

[25yearsmlc]

What a crappy weekend to get out and GAL, so damn hot. With working outside, and it being 105 all weekend, I just couldn't get out to do a thing, I was exhausted.

Some slippage the last few days on my 180's. Time to get back to work again. I need some better ideas for GAL'n, the gym is like going to work since im already 5% body fat and do heavy lifting all day long. All my friends are drinkers, I went out Friday night, and had Dr. Pepper and ate dinner. Was still nice to just get out. Saturday night kids took me to a carnival in town, face painting and all. My kids have been just soooooo GREAT.

MEET NEW PEOPLE...that, to ME, is key to GAL. They don't remind you of your situation or bring it up so there are fewer reminders and the PMA is much easier. It's also more interesting. Absolutely JOIN something or take a class. If you have not seen my personal GAL list, go track it down. There's no good reason not to be GAL now...

we hammer it for a reason. It works.


So need to get better at detaching, think wife and I talk more now than the last 5 years, which might be part of problem for me, I take it too positive or negative. Been wondering if going on anti depressants is an option, heard far more bad than good with them. Make you foggy, and terrible to get off them.

I've taken them twice, for different reasons and got different types of ADs. Once for grief after my dad died suddenly and then later during the winter in Alaska. Different meds, for different types of depression versus melancholy, etc.

I am sorry you have heard bad information. I found them very helpful both times. NO problem "getting off them", just weaned. They are not "addicting" in the sense that you'd have to keep increasing the dose or crave, etc. And if they help, then why get off then? I mean, I think there are some knee jerk reactions from people who had the wrong dosage or confuse medications altogether. They'll be taking anti psychotics and call them anti depressants... NOT the same thing at all. Communicate with your doctor. If you feel "foggy" then chances are the dose needs an adjustment, or you increased it too quickly, etc.

TALK to a professional. And don't forget the downside of NOT taking them, like how you feel. Or if you obsess too much and or say the wrong thing or worsen the relationships b/c of your temper or blurting out things...which MIGHT get a lot better if you take ADs...

I'm not trying to push these onto you but I did a lot of research before I took any.

My h is an MD and when we talked after my dad's death I confessed I was "not shaking it" and could not concentrate at my new job. Kept forgetting things,felt tired but slept poorly...and that's BEFORE I went on an SSRI antidepressant. H was supportive and explanatory about how our brains react to grief, not sleeping or eating right ALSO affect us and it's a cyclical thing. But I got great results both times so I"m a poster child FOR the medication I took after my dad died.

Within days I felt 'better", with less "what if" obsessing... and two or three weeks after starting them, I was tapping my steering wheel on the way to work, to the tune on the radio.

I suddenly realized I had not sung or tapped to music for months...I was getting better! I could "hear" what was said at work and retain the new information...
so for ME it was a Godsend.

As for Getting off them, I did not have or notice anything much. I felt fine on them, but After about 6-8 months my libido was still down (it was down when I was depressed too, but this felt medication related).

So I told my doctor. He offered me an alternative AD or the option of weaning off, which I did. So i decreased my dosage and then eliminated it over a 2 or three week period. Still took something to help me sleep. But did not notice ANYTHING like a "withdrawal"...while my moods moved a bit more, my libido came back and that was worth it to me.

And that was that. I have friends who tried 3 different ADs before finding the right one, plus dosage adjustments. So you have to be patient. My dose was a low one, btw.

What I took in Alaska was totally different, acting on different receptors in the brain. Thank God...b/c they helped me there too, when I had no sunlight for months. Different chemicals get involved or imbalanced, so different adjustments need to be made.

Ask yourself how you are presently affected by your emotional status. That's what NOT taking them costs...but there are downsides and pros/cons to ALL choices in life.

Do some good solid research, not the alarmists hysterical anecdotal versions of hell, OR the pharmaceutical companies commercials. Read the Journal of the American Psychiatric Association, or the New England Journal of Medicine, etc...

there are some great resources out there for us to learn from.

[Thumpered]

TYVM for the input 25, even thou things seems like they've turned for the worse in my marriage, hmmm, its strange I don't care as much. Whatever happens im gonna be fine.

My relator just called and the house I've been waiting months for to come out of pre-forclosure listed today. Its a bit of a fixer upper, perfect for me as I own a construction co. and would do ALL the work myself. I have a viewing appt. tomorrow at 9 am. Its a little higher than I think its worth but the market is going bananas right now here. And even at the price, it would be 200.00 less a month than im paying for an apt. half the size of the house. I CANT WAIT.

I did sign up for 2 classes a few days ago, both work related, one is a 3 day class(aug 25th), and the other is a 5(sept 25) day class. Those were the earliest I could get in, better late than never.