LBH on the Left Coast III: Return of the Lefty

[chl0901]

Hi Lefty! Congrats on getting the TRO lifted - great news!

And so sorry about your W's health - sending positive vibes and prayers your way!

[Positivespin]

Im praying

Remember, Stay strong- keep on your program....you dont know what surprises await

[LBH_LC]

Thank you everyone for all the support you've given me over the past months and especially over the last few weeks. The DB books and this forum have given me the strength to survive the most trying time of my life, to grow, and develop new skills. Now that my W has dropped the TRO, I hope it will now give me the strength and wisdom to stop this darn D and win my wife back.

I've been doing a lot of thinking since the events of yesterday. Her dropping the TRO and being amenable to the settlement agreement was not anything I could have ever expected. Now I find myself dwelling on her illness. I was stunned by the first two events, by the time she told me about her illness I was flabbergasted and could barely speak. I didn't want to pry, so I let her tell me what she comfortable telling me in the 5-10 minutes we had to talk. (As I said in my previous post, she said she had to go back to work and I wanted to be the first to end the conversation (per DB) so I said "Well, I'm sure I'll be hearing from you soon."

Now I feel guilty about not being more inquisitive and showing more of an interest. Did I do the right thing? Keep in mind I was emotionally checked-out for most of our marriage and that is one of my 180s. As I recall (remember, stunned), she said is supposed to have some diagnosis/prognosis results in the next week or two. Should I reach out if I don't hear from her in a week? Two? Should I reach out now? Should I wait as long as necessary until she reaches out? I don't want to pressure her at all.

I want so much to be there for her through her illness. I guess I've discovered one of my LL is service. I asked her if there was anything I could do, but she demurred and said her family was there for her. I got the sense that she wasn't getting as much support as she would have liked from them. She said there some sort of crisis going on in her family too. She wasn't specific about this either.

Today/tonight's GAL agenda: Catch a movie, sell some stuff on eBay, read at least a chapter of DR, see if my friend who was said he might be in town this weekend made it.

Thanks for the prayers for my W's health and I hope you'll continue to keep her in your thoughts and prayers until she gets an all-clear.

[Wonka]

Lefty,

What a dramatic change in your sitch in regard to the TRO being dropped! WTG!!

In regard to your desire to support W through her illness, you can do it in a way that does not appear to exert pressure on W. You could say something like this in a text to W:

Hey there! I'm checking in to see how you're doing. I can only image that you might be feeling scared about this illness. I am here if you need to talk and I will support you in any way I can.

Then leave it at that. No need to over-explain yourself. KISS..Keep It Short and Simple.

[MrCAS]

I hope it will now give me the strength and wisdom to stop this darn D and win my wife back.

So, you found the secret answer to stop something you didn't start? Share it with the rest of us mortals...

You need to detach yourself some more. Don't think about trying to use an illness as a way to weedle back in. I think the suggestion of telling your w that you will be there if she needs something and leave it at that.

Dropping the TRO should also not be thought of as an open invitation to open up a dialogue with your W except for the offer for support.

I know it is big tempting plum... just sitting there... glistening... calling your name...

Be strong, Lefty...

[LBH_LC]

So, you found the secret answer to stop something you didn't start? Share it with the rest of us mortals...

Would it help if I substituted the word "bust" for "stop?"

You need to detach yourself some more. Don't think about trying to use an illness as a way to weedle back in. I think the suggestion of telling your w that you will be there if she needs something and leave it at that.

You're right, I think I do need to detach more. I think I will wait until at least a week from our last conversation before I text. I do not to pressure her at all.

Dropping the TRO should also not be thought of as an open invitation to open up a dialogue with your W except for the offer for support.

I know you're almost definitely right, but she did resume talking about wanting to remain friends and it must have taken a lot of courage to drop the TRO when her friends and legal advisors were advising her not to. Still, our conversation was so brief, I didn't really get a good sense of where her head is at, and I'm going to be very slow and cautious about this. Baby steps.

Be strong, Lefty...

I'm trying. Still GAL, PMA. One chapter into my third read of DR. Saw Pacific Rim last night. If you want to see a movie about giant robots punching giant monsters, it's the movie for you! One of my buddies going all the way back to grade school days is in town and we're gonna grab some coffee and chat. Going to church tomorrow for the first time in years and I'm going to pray for my W's health.

[MrCAS]

"Bust" is a better word. I would lose win though. Your W is not a prize. You get to keep prizes with no effort. She is not a possession. She is a valued piece of your life you want to ivite back into your life.

Your mission, if you decide to accept, is to become the spouse that only a fool would leave.

Good luck, Lefty.

This message will self destruct in five seconds.

[MrCAS]

Church and honoring Him is a great part of GAL.

It has been for me. I know it has been for others.

[LBH_LC]

"Bust" is a better word. I would lose win though. Your W is not a prize. You get to keep prizes with no effort. She is not a possession. She is a valued piece of your life you want to ivite back into your life.

Point taken. Thank you for the correction!

Your mission, if you decide to accept, is to become the spouse that only a fool would leave. Good luck, Lefty. This message will self destruct in five seconds.

**cue lalo schifrin theme*

I heard from the W tonight. She texted me to ask me for a favor. I, regrettably, couldn't help her out, but we had a brief conversation and I got some more details about her illness. I did, however, screw up and didn't end the conversation first.

I felt a little bad about that, but continued with my evening. A couple of hours later, I was finishing Chapter 2 of DR, and I came across this passage:

If you and your spouse are separated and s/he wants little to do with you, consider it a baby step forward if your mate asks you for a favor.

So that's what I'm doing, I'm allowing myself to celebrate and feel positive, per the other passages in that section. Two baby steps in one week!

I hope everyone is having a good weekend.

[Positivespin]

I'm shallow and I focus on the shallow pieces of our lives because our wives are uncontrollable flakes .

Church is good. I fell away from it because of some extreme views that the old timers preached......but it feels good thinking there is a bigger plan....and hope:)

If your w reaches out be a friend - just don't overcompensate.

Keep up the diet, keep up the job search, keep up the exercise and the volunteering..........you give of yourself - at your own expense sometimes. Don't lose what you have gained in this short time.

I want you to be successful