behind you 100% - wish i knew my mind & had some conviction of cause - like you. it's a good thing i reckon- you're taking steps to save dawn & begin a new , well, beginning. it can't be bad to just DO it, try it, begin and see what happens. i'm sending positive vibes/prayers out your way becaseu i got nothin else- besides saying i'm with ya - and support your decisions.
it's hard and you're brave - you sound like you're mentally getting prepared for the grind of waiting - anticipating- maybe since you anticipate the worst - it will be less than that.
i do "get" the in your face bit- bieng with h i realize alot more - and more frequently - the non-connect and the little things about him that i don't like - that were never there before and quite frankly- like you, i don't want to just "accept" and think i'm going to live like this forever.
the sarcasm sometimes (he acts like it's neutral or good natured joking - it's not - it's mean-spirited some of the time) i'm not stupid, i kn ow what i'm hearing).
maybe it's who he always was, but now it's not working with me. idk -
it's very very small fry compared to your h and what you are forced to hear over and over. i can only imagine the magnitude - like be3ing bashed by waves in the ocean when you're just tryin to get in the water or have a nice peaceful dip. bam, tumble, wash you all around and over and then up on the edge - blub blub, laying in the sand saying wtf and what the H was that???????
i hope you're feeling alright inside - in your brain- thru this. i'm no expert =- just a fellow traveler- i'm here tho- i care & so, idk- i guess that's it.
good luck and hope today is okay. i see you're past talkin about it- i'm hoping you're doing okay. xxoo
Dawn, I'm glad you told him a date. Stay firm, do not waffle. You need some quiet and peace in order to get healthy once again. I'm very proud of you.
We are all here for you any day, any time. Now, it's time to really start thinking about Dawn and what Dawn wants to accomplish the rest of the year. Take it one step at a time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Oh Dawn. I just checked in to catch up. I am so sorry that things have come to this. You have been going through this a very long time just as I have. I have done the same thing, told h I am done.
Sometimes I think we make it too easy for them and they are not forced to move forward. You are going to be just fine. And H. Think about when your kids were young. Sometimes as much as we didn't want them to fail or make mistakes that was the only way they were going to learn. He needs to experience some pain.
My oldest d was like that. I was the parent that tried to make sure they made the decision "I" thought was right. When we let her make mistakes she thought things through more carefully.
Is your h seeing a counselor? That may help him through his issues. I don't remember reading if he had any help.
I am thinking of you Dawn, praying for you to have the strength to get you through this. You are stronger than you think.
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
whattyaknow today? will it be a good one - or a stinker?
jury out here-
will check back later - hope your day is good.
xxoo
p.s. what's going on in your garden & yard. i miss mine in nj a bit- tho, mind you, it is now officially overrun with those damn morning glory & weeds. around this time i give up and being away just makes it worse- not fretting about it one bit.
between searching for teeth & 100 degree days- two weeks and ka bam- weed explosion out there.
oh well- will pick up where i lfet off when i go there. who knows whwen that is. "?
what's happenin around your house & yuard. i'm thinking about you painting a while back- i feel like it- changing things a bit or alot- mixing it around.
this hosue is same same same as it was forever too ddarn nlong.
tired of it- tho, mind you, it's bigger and spacous-er- so feels kind of restful for a change.
funny isn't it- the associations we get /have with places, etc.
I'm in some new territory here. Last night H called me w EA in the car. He said since I gave him a date he feels free to not hide, and he told he about the date to prepare for his visits.
He said he was going impose himself on her so he has housing and that may mean he has to make a commitment to her. But, he's still not letting me go. "I will not have really left nor will have really stayed"!
He said bottom line is she is only a friend, she would destroy me, but I wont let her go ever...I'll let her destroy me, I am willing to loose everything, and I won't let you go, ha ha, I want/need you both, the opposite polarities you offer is what's giving me my drive.
~ this is some sick stuff...he said he got a great work call last night because she was w him, no I set that up stupid! SHe got him high and drunk so a major movie production called him for work, yea that's what I've been doing wrong!
ok, so he seems excited, challenged and even daring about the whole date thing. Funny he's discussing it w her before him and I have had a chance to work it thru.
I want him out still but I see that I am throwing him into her arms, it will escalate the EA to PA, he said he would have to ease her. But, I am the one after all asking him to leave, he doesn't want to, so he will do what gives him a roof and a shower.
So this seems to be something I have to come to terms w, my M will be at that point over! SO I say, Dawn you don't want to live your life w him anymore, he doesn't offer you the L and life your looking for, I know this. But, it's gonna be bitter sweet.
My path is scaring me, there is this small dawn in me who is saying, just leave him alone and let him stay while having his EA fun, it's less harmful and permanent.
Big girl Dawn says, no, it's time to pull the trigger and move ahead with yourself, find a new path in life filled w the kids, friends and one day you will have a person.
Even if he stayed he's not my person. I dont want that...I have that now and it's miserable, I would rather be alone than feel like this anymore. Am I opening a new sitch...am I ready!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Dawn, you need to take care of you. H is not treating you right and he needs to see what it is like without you. He is really nuts right now and you don't need to be around it.
I am at that point too and you are stronger than you think. I have come to grips with the fact that I deserve better. Funny thing is now he is wondering if that is what he really wants now.
You have been going through this a long time too. You need a break from his craziness.
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
Dawn, I think your h is trying to see just how far you'll go in your boundaries. I say let him go for a while and allow him to see what the other side of the fence looks like.
You've done all you can to help this man and now you need to turn it over to God completely. It's time to take care of Dawn.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Dawn, I am sorry that it's come to this. I think that you're doing the right thing by telling him to leave and giving him a specific date. He needs to hit bottom before he will be able to move from the place that he is stuck. You will breathe easier and feel 100% better after he's gone. I struggled with the same behavior with my h (except no anger). Says he loves both of us and that he didn't want to make a decision....too hard to let go of me and the life that we've built but can't be without her. They most definitely get a high from a new relationship, that's why they can't let go of ow. In their mlc state they think that what they can handle the turmoil that they are causing themselves. As some of the other posters have suggested, we have to let them make choices so that they can learn a very hard lesson.
Imho, for the ones that zero in on a single op, it becomes or is an addiction. I realized that when I suggested that to my h. He didn't agree but didn't deny it either. A few days later in a convo with the ow he told her that he loved her but not because he was addicted to her. Addicts DENIAL! LOL They know what they're doing is wrong but can't/won't get the help that they need.
Dbing is all about us and taking care of ourselves while they are on their journey. We don't have to wait for them to "wake up" or complete their journey. It's a choice that most of us make, to wait or stand but in the process we are still making ourselves the number one priority. If that involves asking them to leave so that we can have peace or allows us to move forward then we must do it.
I wouldn't worry that you are pushing him into the arms of the ow. It may speed up your h journey just a bit. From the reaction that he had to your asking him to leave, I suspect that he is going to start spiraling downward toward the bottom and his behavior will be even less tolerable, if that's possible. Let her deal with it!!!! While I didn't ask my h to leave and even thought that it would be better if he stayed in the house, I found that I have so much less stress since he has been gone.
Go with "Big girl Dawn" and let him go for now. YOU will be surprised at how much less stress there will be in your life. I'm thinking about you and praying that God will take care of you and your family.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
I think you are doing the right thing. Doesn't mean it is the easy thing
You must remind little-Dawn how hard it has been on you - how you couldn't possibly continue the way it has been. The way it was was killing big-Dawn... soon only little Dawn would have been left.
This change is scary, changes often are. But you are a smart capable woman and can handle yourself.
I'm betting your H will put on quite the show between now and 9/1. Do NOT let him blame you for his choices! He is simply having to face the consequences of his own decisions.
God bless, take care.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
