Questions without answers...am I stuck in place?

[albamarie]

like most addicts, he won't give her up w/o a fight. In his mind, you'll continue to put up w/this behavior and he's needs to face the reality of his actions and now is the time to do so. You and your family can't continue to live this way for years and years. It's not healthy.

I need him to be away from us so we can begin to build as a family through the changes, good and bad. I can't live w the black cloud of anger and rebellion over us, I can feel it!

If you would like to communicate off line, please let me know. Your posting sounds like you need a friend to support you through this.

Yes, I would like to talk, I really don't have anyone, after all this time most don't understand.

I have only told my BIL [bible counselor] and a long time friend of H's (life coach] the absolute truth. They have gone from the advise of MWD, to now saying it's time he must go.

I am absolutely afraid, once again, his work has given him a direction he is furious about and refusing to follow.

His anger is extreme, he is talking out scenarios [to his boss] angrily in a low voice to himself. His face is like a prune filled w angry lines. His hand punched out the lattice on my screen door, yes he was instantly remorseful, shocked, and admitted being awakened by the crash from an angry trance.

My fear is not him or his strength or destruction, it's the fact that he is still unable to handle adjustments in life. He said he will melt into my couch if he resigns and dig himself deep into the tunnel.

Regardless of the outcome at work, he has clearly shown where he is at mentally and it is unexceptable to me. I have told him he has thru fall to move out, before TGing, but I am not sure how to execute that.

He won't go unless I do it forcefully, he has said he's not going to volunteer to leave his family. He asked me to ignore him, he's not being a bad man, or sleeping around, he's trying to suppress his anger while home and be useful w chores at the same time.

He's right, he's not a bad man, he is just making it were this is our life now, no need to work on oneself, no need for a healthy mind, no R for me, and freedom for him.

I'm not at piece, that's all that counts now.

UR~ It is not quitting to tell your h he needs to go. It is self care.

I fully understand this, and honestly I am not really opposed to quitting on him at least for a very long while.

I strongly believe as he himself said just 2 days ago, he needs to hit rock bottom very hard, or he will continue to seek rock bottom if it kills him, his words.

I don't want any part of that! I do need to self care!

[albamarie]

Hi Dawn,
Hi uRworthy, thanks so much for stopping by!

Can you go see a doc about maybe getting something to take the edge off a bit?
I am going to make an appointment! I am going to start back on my workout, that always feels so good.

I can see your h is co dependent on you. That is a heavy burden to carry.
He is and he fights it knowing he is hopeless. My S22 is a huge advocate of "leave him to fail"! But, even something as simple as food in the fridge, H know's I'm not going to stop shopping to penalize him.

Only you know when you have had enough. If you have, it is ok to say you are done with the sitch as it is now and you will move forward.
I amaze myself at how done and ok I am at with the idea of H moving out and not contacting me for a very long time. He said he would still come by, do chores, I said no, I want NC indefinitely! He said no way, he said he then would probably begin to stalk me as he does EA. REALLY! His threats mean nothing to me!

He has to know that you mean it or it will not work.
That is my own frustration and stumbling block, the how!


Please try to figure out some way to get some light in your life. It is so important and something you deserve.
I do have great light, 4 kids, a g-son on the way, I no longer want to continue my focus on him. My aunt and God son never visit, my D19 would have friends over, we would have BBQ's w more often. It's me, I still sometimes sit in a fog.

Do just one small thing for you. Something fun or to relax you a bit.

You can do this, D.
Thanks for the confidence, I will ride on it until I can build my own!

Thanks to everyones support and advice. I am reading it over and over. It means the world to me right now! I cannot get thru this alone. Not at all!

prayer and peace, dm

[RosaLinda]

Dawn, I feel so so badly for you. Your H sounds horribly depressed, and angry. The extreme anger and seeming to be in an angry trance sounds so scary. My H went thru two or three angry periods over the past 4 years, but for about 2 weeks in spring 2011, I was afraid of him too. He threw things around including at me, and seemed to be full of hate. It was scary. I wanted him gone, so when he told me he was leaving to go visit EA1 in Russia, I told him fine, but he could not return to our house, and started to make plans about how I would support the household without him. But he never left, within a few weeks the anger passed and he became very withdrawn. Within a few months he and EA1 broke up. So hopefully this extreme anger of your H will pass soon.

If you are afraid for your safety, please don't hesitate to call the police Dawn. Would your BIL or your H's friend who is a life coach be willing to sit down and talk to him, and maybe if needed, help you physically remove him from the house? My S27 keeps offering to kick his dad out for me. They get so protective of their mom.

Why is he so angry about his work? I remember you said a couple of his coworkers had complained about his performance. Do you think he might be losing his job? You said you always did his reports etc. for him right? Are you still doing that?

Dawn you do need someone to just vent to who understands what you are going thru. I would be very glad to talk to you. Do you have a DB alias on Facebook? If so I'll search and try to find you. I think Snodderly has some way to see your email address and says she'd talk to you too.

[job]

Dawn,
If you would like to chat w/me, I'll do the work to make it happen. But, you need to let me know. I don't want to go out there and overstep the boundaries that the forum has in place.

[uRworthy]

Hey Dawn. I have been thinking of you.

I know that it feels like you are done living like this. I dont blame you. It is a difficult way to live.

I, too, am concerned about his anger.

Here's the thing. When you are totally done, you will know it without a doubt and you will ask him to leave and mean it wholeheartedly.

He sense your slight hesitation. He sees your compassion and so, he uses that to his advantage.

So, take the time you need to really figure out what you want your life to look like right now.

Then when you know, we can help you find the words and actions you need.

Some of us on here have names on fb that are the names we use on here. Some have db as the last name. You can get a free email address on yahoo to use.

Please do not post an email address on here. It will be edited out and you will be placed on moderation.

We are here for you, sweetie. Keep posting.

[albamarie]

Yes, I would like to chat. Thanks

Also, I am trying to make an alias FB.

[job]

Dawn,
I've sent the moderators an email requesting that they either send you my email address or send me yours. Hopefully, they will help bridge the gap for communication.

[RosaLinda]

You're on my mind DAwn. Hope you're feeling steady this morning. Thanks for checking on me in the middlle of all the turmoil in your life right now. It means so much to me. Prayers going out to you right now - can you feel the strength?

[albamarie]

Thanks so much! I'll await thier reply.

[albamarie]

I mean it, all of me with no doubt.

Last night when we spoke I gave him a date, September 1st! He needs to be out by Sep. 1st. I was calm, matter of fact, polite, and strong.

He replied, Oh Boy, Oh Boy. We said goodby so he could return to work.

Now comes the hard part....