I'm an avid Gardner and when H left I let it slide......my parents got in gear and built the container gardens he was supposed to build, bought me some veggies and now I'm gardening again and it feels good to be out there, get fresh air, do some thing productive.....way to go!
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
So, today's text (they seem to be daily now) is about waiting beyond monday to take the one cat to the house with her, because she wants to get a couch first. And to ask if she can visit him tomorrow. Also, if she can take a leather reading chair (it was mostly hers anyway) but wanting to know if I could take the back off so it'll fit in the car.
The mind reels. Of course I just wondered who'll help her put it back together if I take it apart and load it in the car.... Ugh.
Also, the pattern is happening just like last time, where even as she was determined to show independence (buying a new couch) she asks me for stuff or for help more and more.
After the last time she came and the comment about the house, I plan to clean the place top to bottom and end to end. I feel as nervous about actually seeing her as the first time 5 yrs ago when I first visited her at the apartment she moved to.
Haven't answered yet. Going to wait until this afternoon. Right now, just doing household chores takes me some effort to work up the energy, although I have been keeping dishes clean and laundry done.
I notice she has gone from, "can you leave the house so I can visit, or get stuff', to "it's ok if you're there" and "can you help with...."
Of course I wonder if this is her being more comfortable in her situation, or if she's just trying to get a look and see if I'm a quivering depressed wreck.
Breath deep. Let the thought recede. Can't read her mind.
I saw your post to me on another page, sorry it took a few days, don't seem to have much computer time anymore.
First of all, weird coincidences - I used to live in CO and now I live about 45 mins south of Saratoga!
Here are a few things I can suggest:
Do your best to improve your self talk, it is very negative. "I am stuck in this crappy house" doesn't help you. I am sure it feels that way, esp being there alone but try to remember why you bought it in the first place and change that thought to "It is so peaceful out here", or whatever. If you can start making small changes to your thoughts, your situation will feel better before anything even changes..except your mind!
LRT - absolutely. However, do not feel that her signing divorce papers means it is over. As you know, there are people on this forum who have R after D.
I know it is hard to not send that text, email, leave a message, whatever when she contacts you and even harder not to slip up and say too much. That being said, you MUST master this. I can guarantee you that MWD is right and when you profess your love she is turned off right now, when you say she doesn't have anything in common with OM she thinks how much better he is than you (Not saying he really is but he is in her mind, right now)and thank God you didn't send flowers!
I don't know what is going on in her mind but I do know that the vets are all correct, there isn't anything you can say or do today to change her mind. Just keep focusing on you. Every time you have a negative thought (about anything), replace it immediately with a positive one.
If your WAW was lonely and unhappy for years, it isn't going to take 2 months away with her seeing a little change in you to make her want to work things out. Your only job right now is to improve you. You cannot do it for your M, you have to do it for YOU, because you want it. It may save your M in the long run but that cannot be the only reason you make changes. You know what happens then, you end up back here because you change back after your WAW returns.
It sounds like she does reach out for things she doesn't need to so she may be confused about what she wants. Even if she moves full steam ahead, she may be unsure inside and ignoring those warnings.
Right now, your W probably thinks OM is the best person ever, she probably thinks they are "meant" to be together, etc.. She has no reason not to because he filled a void that she had for a long time, a void left by your M, she is feeling happier than she has in years. You cannot compete with that and anything you do to try to will just turn her off and push her further away. What you can do is work on yourself because one day (a month, 6 months, 12 months?) she isn't going to have blinders on regarding OM and how amazing he is. That is when she is going to look at you again and wonder what she gave up. Is she going to see a depressed ex or a man only a fool would leave?
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
Thanks, lovethehub. Very thoughtful and thorough summary. Some hard truths, but my head already knew them, if my heart doesn't quite get it.
There has been more instances of her asking about how I'm doing and also asking me for help with little things. She also asked if she could bring me some groceries, and how I was getting them. I thanked her and said I'd think about it. I'll tell her it's not necessary, because this is was always an issue for us - she always wanted me to help with the shopping more even if she wasn't working and I was, and I often moped, whined and fussed about it. I don't want her having those thoughts while shopping for me! But I'll thank her again for asking.
I have stopped cold with mentioning R, OM, my situation here, etc. and have been validating if she says something that indicates she's feeling bad about something, or is angry about something, or whatever her feelings are. She'll be stopping by tomorrow to pick up the chair. I already got the lawn mowed, and I'm going to clean the house thoroughly, and I will be clean and shaved and lookin' good, not looking sad, depressed, or generally icky. :-)
It was too late to stop my coaching session that I'd already scheduled, but it was very productive and didn't feel like a waste of money to me. Laurie is very good at making sure I have a plan and the main focus was promising her and myself that I won't make major decisions on a bad day. She's also very good at helping me sort through all the inputs and help decide if some things are positive changes based on past experiences and my particular relationship with W VS just generalization.
Does getting paged while on-call count as GAL? ;-)
Actually, since I couldn't sleep tonight, instead of watching TV, I started cleaning the house. I cleaned like I was in basic training! Literally when it came to bathroom floor, because I discovered W took the mop to the other house! So, I scrubbed that floor by hand!
I'll say this, W was right. I didn't notice what a sty the place was. I thought I was doing good because I was keeping the dishes done. Doh!
I started scrubbing and cleaning at 11:00 PM, and was still going at 1:00 AM when I got paged. Worked until 6:00 AM, then cleaned some more. Wishing I didn't drink an iced coffee after that. Must get some rest.
W decided to do laundry when she comes over after work, so I need to be ready for first contact since.... A couple weeks I guess. Can't even remember.
You need to stop acting like her friend. If you're not going to be together, you're not going to be friends. It's the best thing she can hear from you.
Being friends is better than nothing, and the only hope for any possible reconciliation. Last time around, it was being friends that reversed the course for us.
