Can I ask you a personal question? Do you think I am foolish to want to R in light of the unfounded TRO? Do you think it indicates codependence or low self esteem?
Wanting to reunite with a woman that you had fallen in love with- Not foolish at all.
Do you have codependence/ esteem issues - YES
How do I know? - If you didnt have issues you wouldnt have asked the question
Its been one hell of a year for you. The legal sitch being over may help but you just need some more time for a rebuild - THE RIGHT WAY!
....and some victories along the way
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
"Do you think I am foolish to want to R in light of the unfounded TRO? Do you think it indicates codependence or low self esteem?"
Of course not. This is your WIFE we're talking about. Not a random stranger. The problem is that many people toss around the word "codependence" around here. The thing is that to a certain degree that's what M is. It's depending on the other person. If we didn't need anyone we'd all be single.
The person who you loved and trusted above all others...the person you were going to spend the rest of your life with... betrayed you. That hurts and would make anyone search for answers. You're not crazy at all.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thank you. Sometimes I worry, but I think it is just that my level of commitment when I am myself and thinking clearly (and not mired in the depths of depression like I was during my marriage) is unusual today.
On an unrelated note, I got my first taste of STBX bashing from another family member today. I advised him his reading of her actions was uncharitable and he let it go.
2.) My therapist (and myself) think there may have been an OM at some point for various reasons. I know the common wisdom on the internet is "once a cheater, always a cheater." Do you guys think this is true? I don't know if I do or not.
I don't know where that started, but it is not true.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you, sandi2. I always thought it was untrue, but then I reflected on the few confirmed cheaters I knew and realized that they haven't changed their spots. I want to believe in change and redemption, and it's nice to know most people here do too.
Any thoughts on how I should act & if I should say anything at the settlement hearing?
This is what I would like to say to her at the conference IF my L approves:
"I'm sorry I didn't reply to your text Sunday. I wanted to, but my L advised me not to. I'm sorry this is difficult for you. It's difficult for me, too. I regret we've come to this point, but if this is what you need to find happiness, I understand."
The first sentence is because I would often be uncommunicative during our M. The second is my attempt at validating. The third is an attempt to be honest about my feelings. The fourth is another attempt at validation.
MrBond: I am trying to understand why you feel I am "continually" trying to have the last word. I have not been trying to have the last word since I read the DB books in mid-January. I have been unable to have ANY words since February!
I am trying to respond to the first contact from my STBX and establish a dialogue and I'm trying to employ the principles of validating and 180s... Can you please explain why I shouldn't talk about it beforehand and instead wait until after?
Why am I not understanding DB principles as you are prescribing them?
