Questions without answers...am I stuck in place?

[RosaLinda]

Oh Dawn I wish I could give you a big hug right now. What a difficult situation. Sometimes you just need to let it all out to a friend, cry and just be held for a bit. Do you have a friend you can confide in?

This broke my heart: "I’m so done living like this, I’m done feeling paralyzed by being M but not a W, not free in my mind to move forward to L, and holding on to my family that is growing up and leaving me alone.
I’m depressed because I’m stuck. He won’t let me go but pushes me away. Holds on to EA, but their R only works as long as he’s M, otherwise he knows it will change the dynamics."

Of course he wants to hold on to you and his family, AND have his OW at the same time. It's the MLC way of life. I think that all of our men are addicted to their OW. In fact, Ellie (KML) was just explaining to me yesterday that this is due to dopamine, a neurotransmitting chemical in the brain, that gives a feeling of euphoria. She said dopamine is released in infatuation, and also by cocaine and other addictive activities like gambling. So his relationship with her releases that chemical in his brain, so he feels euphoric when he's with her. This helped me to understand my H's relationship with the Tramp, but sure doesn't make it any easier to live through.

You sound so stuck, in such a bad place. You said you feel that "Going dark only gives him the space he craves, and NC helps him need EA more" and that you told him that it's time to move out, that you want a D. Will you stick to that? Can you?

While I am writing this, I see that Snodderly has advised that she thinks it's time for you to pack his bag for him. Maybe that would be the best thing Dawn, maybe living apart from you will force him to really make a decision about what is right and important in his life.

I'm holding you up in prayer this morning my friend. Hang in there, you are going thru such a hard patch right now. Things have to improve

(((((Dawn Marie))))))

[nero]

dawnie girl- you worreid me.

i don't want you to be or feel depressed - you're better than that. we all are. it's there- i know, (our own human frailty) but we are not the types to let it suck us under. I am sincerely thinking and hoping too.

I'M GLAD to hear you sounding so powerful. you are undoubtedly right - what great stuff- saying it all rite out to him.

i believe you're rite - if you and he split it changes his dynamic with ow- i guess that's why every one is always urging it- and then - THE TIME IS RITE and ta da.

guess you are at your time for this brutal honesty to him.

me- floating only at moment. too much other crappola going on i think- (i'm opining here) with my mother sitch- it's sooo big and sooooo kind of soul-sucking to watch your mother who took care of us all(tho no one else much is around or gives a darn about her it seems ) (well- toooo easy to shove it onto me) - but anyway- losing her poor old mind and struggling daily with the changes allover her live constantly- fighting it- not remembering it, or understanding becasuse, hey, she just forgets it in ten minutes - etc. it's a mess . it's sad and depressing too- knowing it will NEVER BE BETTER than it is this minute - and sometimes it's a hostile mess...

no help to give her tho- nice to be away- but a constant worry still...

am i making excuses for my self- probably. this business of too many people being gone or heading out. maybe i'm clinging tom y " old life" too much - linda dead, alan dead, shore house on the market (huge) , h heading out -m om heading out- talk about never going to be better than today- i know, depressing outlook.


I am just not there but admiring you for you knowing where you ARE at this minute. me- i'm glad not to be in puddle of misery and bleeding- grateful for my bit of detachment. i'll take it today. i just don't seem to have anything much in there at the moment for the misery....

you're my good example today-

i hear h pulling up in car. back to hospital every few hours- his aunt i guess, sooner rather than later, is dying of congestive heart failure i believe. 89 -lucky i'd say to have made it that long after 70 or so years of smoking- really! make that 74. it's not a pretty way to go tho, sucking air - literally- looking for breath. pooro ld thing.

he does it- and it's hard - yet he thinks he doesn't care. says he won't feel bad when she's gone- is he kidding self or are there REALLY people out there that donot feel anything like the rest of us? attachment - love? (he slings word around to ow enough). he uses the notion for his own way-

does he feel it? who knows? probably a psychopath rite? someone without whatever it is he's lacking?

i do wonder- about him- oh well.

anyway- for the moment i'm standing here - not sure if it qualifies as "still standing" or not. i'm present but not accounted for.

you're sounding good - i know, i'm addicted to my buddy in here - you - too.

i know- linda';s thread - what a hotbed of activity. it is confusing and tiring sometimes. linda - you inspir4e alot of caring- I cannot imagine how your h can't be totally in love. maybe you're so nice - he can't "livd up to it? kind of thing? did that mean anhything at all??? anyway- thanks girls - dawn hang in there , you're sounding so in charge

i get your feeling- your life is changing around you and you're damn tired of fiddling around and not going forward and taking a big chunk - you go girl (is that dated or what? but wanted to say it anyway)

girl power!!!

xxoo have a good day- i'm serious you know about meeting just old anyone and making even a stupid casual dumping -ground buddy. find a stranger- dump like mad- it's theraputic-

isn't there a support group out there you can glom onto- grief? divorce, whatever??? i tried but it was a total bust -

so i know it's not easy- what about a supoort hotl ine and just on the phone??? there are some of those out there- when my sister was going down with alcohol i found a few - but couldn't actually get her to get help with them-

a thought. OH AL RIGHT- i'll say it again, i sure wish i was your neighbor- maybe when i get back to nj- if my mom's shore house isn't sold and is free - we can meet up and go get away. just a wacky thought- it's owned by her with two other cousins - so the time is alalotted this way and that- but you never know rite? just a thought.

it is a pretty beach- and it's usually not too cold in september still- i don't know whose month is what tho- will try to erwemember to find out.

we could have a giant giant girl's pity party- i know we'd all laugh likwe mad no kidding

\
xxoo

[Portia]

Dawn,

Sending you my support and good wishes!

From your posts, it sounds like you have had it up to there and then some. When you feel you are on the verge of depression, you must look after you.

I won't pretend to know how it feels for you to have to make the decision to move his rear along - mine made that decision for me - but it sounds like it is time, for your sake. Because the alternative is that things stay exactly the same.

If you were OK with that, then that is one thing but you so obviously are not. So, time to change the situation.

So hard to do!

Very best of luck and all wonderful things to you. We are here when you need us and you have nothing but our support.

[uRworthy]

Hi Dawn, you have so many people here who care about you.

You know when you are on an airplane and they explain to you about the oxygen mask? You are to put it on yourself first before you help anyone else.

You do not want to get to a point where you are so depressed you cant think straight. If you are feeling so overwhelmed that you risk getting sick, it is time to take care of you.

It is not quitting to tell your h he needs to go. It is self care.

I can see how strong you are, D. It took a lot of strength to say those things to your h. Do you think you can dig in for the next part? You need to follow up with what you said. Otherwise, nothing will change.

It is really important for you to understand that there is nothing further you can do at this point. He has to figure all this out. You need to let him.

But I dont care about him. I care about you. He can blow in the wind.

I know you can do this, D. I believe in you.

We are right here for you.

[RockJC]

I think Snodderly may be right.

[ForeverYoung]

I too am thinking of you Dawn, and sending more strength your way.

[RosaLinda]

What happened last night Dawn? Did he come to any conclusions? Did you? You have every right to be tired of his MLC after 5 years. It is an exhausting thing to have to live through. Have you thought any more about getting away for a couple of days? Maybe with D19? I think it would do you good.

[nero]

HHHHEEEEEYYYYY DAWNNNN-

good morning and are you out there??? in mlc land? just thinking aobut you this morning.

hope all is well- hyou're being verypowerful lately and it's got to feel mighty good. i'm awaiting the "ruthless" period of this all myself-

today still feeling floatie and maybe just relieved not to be in nj by mom- feel sorry to say it out loud- it's shabby but she's got people stopping by and one sister going to visit her- so for this one moment in time- someone else is visiting. i'm soo tired.

it's hard - waiting for the other shoe to fall all the time. the memory thing is a raw deal. she called last nite to tell me that my sister had died. (mom, that was 2008). poor old thing- when she's left alone too much she just goes back in time i guess, can't stay in the present.

it's the only thing that makes me wonder if a group home would be better - someone keeping you present . it does make a difference- i think when i get back i'll get off my butt and find someone daily so she can have some routine to count on, etc.

yueah- me and my resolutions. anyway-

hope you're okay- thinking aboutyou allll the time. let me know you're hanging on and what's up and what your h is saying, doing, thinking in response to your latest feelings ...

hoping all is well and you're feeling okay with it all..

xxoo ((( ))) i'll check back later - h at hospital now

[RosaLinda]

a group home would be much much better for your mom's safety and health Nero, and much less stressful for you. she would probably fight you tooth and nail against it though! how is your poor sick aunt?

[uRworthy]

Hi Dawn, I have been thinking about you and your sitch. I am concerned by some of the things you have said about how you are feeling.

Can you go see a doc about maybe getting something to take the edge off a bit?

I can see your h is co dependent on you. That is a heavy burden to carry.

Only you know when you have had enough. If you have, it is ok to say you are done with the sitch as it is now and you will move forward.

He has to know that you mean it or it will not work.

He also has to work this through on his own.

Please try to figure out some way to get some light in your life. It is so important and something you deserve.

Do just one small thing for you. Something fun or to relax you a bit.

You can do this, D.