I don't think going dark would help too much. I would not be the one to initiate contact, but I would not completely ignore her calls/texts etc.
If you read the other sitch's here, many MLCer's do not follow through.
What you might try is to show your W that you will get on with your life regardless of a D or not. Keep a PMA and show her happiness/contentment whenever you interact. It will be the opposite of what she will expect.
More time and patience required. Let her come to you to discuss her appointment. Given the length of your M, she will likely inform you.
A agree with SA, do not initiate contact, but be there if she should want to talk.
Don't go dark, just a little dim.
BE THERE for your kids, she may not be able to be around them much these days.
I don't think you should move away from your kids... You already said you need to be around them.
(((((more hugs)))))....
Magic
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
(((hugs)))) Sorry to hear Thumpered. I think you should continue to live near your children so that you can be there for them. Sounds like you were starting to create a great bond with them, and they will need you now more than ever.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
ok, not a doctor, nor have I played one in a school play or anything like that...but...
Go as mild as possible...learn to mediate, etc along with anything...you may want to start with St.John's Wort or Mucuna Pruriens (herbs) to see if natural does it. Otherwise, some general thing like wellbutrin may help. You just want to take the edge off so you can do YOUR internal work, day to day stuff, etc... not just mask the symptoms and join your spouse in la-la land...
Also, a good mediation that the VA uses for PTSD is googled via "be still and know exercise"...
I take Mucuna Pruriens, helped me with quitting smoking and this sitch, BUT, meditation (including my above suggestion), working out and GAL are probably more effective in getting to where I am...and detachment, logic, big time....
Just my non-doctor 2.5 cents....YMMV
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Sorry things are tough right now. This is all so very hard.
I agree with dim not dark. Remember that her wanting to be alone is not about you or an OM. It's about her needing space to figure things out.
That's why I like the phrase "love them from a distance". It's the most loving and kind thing we can do for them right now.
As far as AD's, that's a very individual decision. I'm not on any, but did discuss it with my IC in the early months after bomb. I wanted to try focusing on myself and the kids in combination with yoga and taking better care of myself before trying meds. I did end up feeling much better.
Getting yourself to a good place is important, so think of different ways to help make that happen.
Hang in there!
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
I am thinking of trying St. John's Wort, although I haven't yet.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
The financial implications hit me today, im so overwhelmed now, i'm going to lose 85% of my business with the divorce. (since I basically work for my wife's family).
I do agree with Sailing, just because your M is "ending" (not necessarily, just today), why would her family want to hurt your livelihood and their grandchildren? I would contact them and say something along the lines of "I am so sad we are in this situation, however, I hope we can continue to work together as we always have so I am able to provide for OUR children.
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I'm just stunned as to my next steps, I couldn't even get up to work today. Seems the whole world just collapsed on me. I'm not sure if I should go dark (would that be abandoning the kids?)
No, it wouldn't be abandoning your children because at their ages I have to assume you are able to contact them and make plans with them without involving their mom. Just as they make plans to see their friends w/o involving their mom, they can do that with you - and courts give kids the right to decide at 13 in most states.
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I have a few options, none I like, I can go live with a brother in Washington, go live with a brother in Utah, or attempt to stay here and try to build a construction co. back up in a terrible economy. With the debt im facing, i'd need to make at least 3k a month to cover expenses, much less gas the truck, feed myself, and keep roof over my head. My credit is excellent but my debt ratio is blown up.
This is a valid concern when your income is cut, can you move to a cheaper place w/o leaving your kids?
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This has gone from doing pretty decent to within 2 weeks, a complete reversal. Guess OM has more of a hold than I thought possible.
Is this when u implement going dark?
Guessing that this is due to OM is mind reading, don't go there. Maybe she is just upset, scared, etc. about the news she has received.
Going dark? In "normal" circumstances, probably, however with an illness in the picture that may not be the best idea. I think SA and MM are right when they say don't initiate contact but don't ignore her. I may add in that you might tell her something like "I am sorry you are facing xx. I understand that you don't want to share anything with me about this right now but I am here to help you with xx if you change your mind"
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What you might try is to show your W that you will get on with your life regardless of a D or not. Keep a PMA and show her happiness/contentment whenever you interact. It will be the opposite of what she will expect.
Definitely...and don't move away from your children if you can afford not to.
Good luck
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
