Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part IV)

[cbtdad]

AS, I just caught up in your thread. I don't know why, but I thought things were kind of dormant. I am so sorry to hear about your wifes diagnosis. I will be praying for her. I am also sorry to hear what you found out about OM.
That message she was sending about having the strength to leave rang so true in my sitch as well. W has admitted that having someone else treat her nicely have her the strength to finally pull the trigger.
I feel for you AS. That is a lot to deal with at once.
You are suck a strong person and a great example though for others. Thank you for all the communication help. I learned more from validating from you then any book I read.

[AnotherStander]

W is having surgery tomorrow morning. I talked it over with her and she doesn't want me at the hospital, mainly because she feels a bit overwhelmed and both of our daughters want to be there and no one will be with S10. She didn't get the BRCA results back yet, but decided to proceed with a lumpectomy. So it'll be outpatient surgery. I am going to take S10 over to see her once she gets back home.

W came over last night and I could tell she was really upset, it turns out D16 had gotten a speeding ticket. 75 in a 40. What's worse is W asked her to let her know when she had gotten to her friend's house from work (she was spending the night with a friend) and she told W she was ALREADY there (this was about 1 am). She wasn't. Half an hour later she had to call W and tell her the police would be contacting her, so the lie was blown.

In the past I would have gotten really angry over something like this. One of the things I learned after BD is that W and D's were afraid to tell me about these things. So this has been one of my 180's. I just sat down with W and quietly asked her what she thought we should do. She talked about the punishment she had in mind, I told her I agreed with most of it but thought a couple of parts were too harsh. But she wanted to really teach D16 a lesson, so I told her I'd stand with her on it.

We called D16 and had her come over, we calmly explained the punishment and why we thought it was needed. D16 was REALLY upset, trying hard not to cry but her eyes were welling up. The reason she lied is because she had picked up some boy and was giving him a ride to her friend's house and she thought she'd get in trouble. I told her that the reason we need to know where she is isn't to snoop on her, it's for her safety. I told her about some of the recent abductions in the news and how in some cases no one knew the girl was even missing until 12+ hours later because they weren't being honest about where they were and what they were doing. I told her that if she thought she might get in trouble for something like that, she should just ask us before doing it. Either we would tell her it's OK or we would tell her we're not comfortable with it, but regardless, she wouldn't get in trouble for asking.

After W saw how upset D16 was, she ended up not bringing up the parts of the punishment that I had said were too extreme.

After W left I told D16 that I wanted her to know that I am very proud of her, that she was been really responsible, and that W felt the same way. This incident didn't make us feel any differently about her, we just felt the punishment was needed so she understood how important it was to us. She broke down crying, she felt really bad about putting more stress on W right before her surgery. I just validated, told her I understood why that would upset her.

Wow..!..my W has Om and she says they are just friends as well but I wonder

Look at it this way, if you had a friend and your friend told you his wife had become BFF's with another man and he asked you your opinion, what would you tell him? I have NEVER heard of a wife in a healthy marriage being best buds with another man. It just doesn't happen unless there's trouble in the M, and if it happens then there IS some form of A going on. It could very well not by physical, but an EA is just as damaging to a M.

I guess girls are going to be protective of the Dads for a while even more so with WAS...happening...

I think another thing working against us is the WAW rewriting history. They're busy telling everyone (including our kids) what a crappy person we are as justification for their actions. Meanwhile if we're following DB principals we're saying NOTHING bad about them. So everyone sees us as a real piece of shtako (bonus points if you get the reference ) and them as a saint for putting up with so much for so long. So if they start dating, well they DESERVE to be with someone that treats them right. But if we start dating, well we're just being a piece of shtako, LOL! It's really tough being a LBS.

W has admitted that having someone else treat her nicely have her the strength to finally pull the trigger.

That's just her fog talking. I treated her as well as anyone ever will and better than most would. She only sees OM a couple of times a week, it's easy to believe someone treats you like a princess when you see them infrequently. That is just so utterly different than living with someone and sharing the responsibilities of running a household and raising children. A strong, responsible husband seems like a real asset at first, but after years and years that assertive behavior is seen as "controlling" and "manipulative" by a WAW. It's easy for an OM to appear to be the opposite of that, because he's not involved with any of the things that make a husband appear controlling. Will she ever come out of the fog? Probably not, she's quite happy with her new life.

You are such a strong person and a great example though for others. Thank you for all the communication help. I learned more from validating from you then any book I read.

Thank you, I'm so glad to hear I helped you in some small way

[AnotherStander]

Whenever I hear a WAS story I try to post it to my thread. I just met a woman a couple of days ago who had a WAH. She's 29, she dated her H for 5 years before they got married. After getting married they had a baby. One day with no advanced warning, her H announced he was done with the M and moving out. He did so, then a few months later she received D papers in the mail. She signed them and sent them back and shortly after was D'd. A year and a half later her ex approached her and wanted to reconcile, but she was totally done with him. Most of the WAS stories I've heard in person ended this way, with the WAS expressing interest in reconciling long after the LBS was done with them.

[lost_hope]

Hi AS. Just read your story in this thread and I'm sorry to hear about your W's cancer diagnosis and well as confirmation of OM. I don't really know what to say just wanted to lend you some support since you helped me in the beginning of my journey.

[AnotherStander]

My W opened a page on "Caring Bridge" to keep everyone updated on her status. I posted a message of encouragement to her and was reading through the other posts and found this one from MIL:

"Have everything set up here to be taken care of while I am with you after the surgery. Hope everything goes as scheduled. Talked to (D18) and we have agreed that between me, her, (D16) and (S10) we can handle whatever comes up next week so you can concentrate on your recovery."

Now I've talked about this much earlier in my thread, but probably not in quite a while- I am the kind of person who is always there to help others. If you have a problem with your car, or need help with something on your house, or just want to talk to someone I am "that" guy. I've done tons of volunteer work, mostly with Hearts and Hammers and Habitat for Humanity. I live 5 minutes from W. I've told her several times I would be happy to help her out, whether it's laundry, grocery shopping, whatever. Just 2 days ago I noticed her lawn was looking pretty shabby and asked her if she wanted me to take care of it while she's sick (she said no, she wanted D18 to do it). I have done TONS of things for MIL over the years. It just blows my mind that not only W, but apparently MIL now too want me so utterly and completely out of their lives, LOL! I just want to shake them and say "for crying out loud, I'm just offering to help, that's all!!!" I guess they think accepting help is like making a commitment or something. They both know that I have NEVER asked for anything in return because I consider volunteer work to be a higher calling than that. Ugh! It's just really frustrating.

Hi AS. Just read your story in this thread and I'm sorry to hear about your W's cancer diagnosis and well as confirmation of OM.

Thank you, that's very nice of you

[PatientMan]

Whenever I hear a WAS story I try to post it to my thread. I just met a woman a couple of days ago who had a WAH. She's 29, she dated her H for 5 years before they got married. After getting married they had a baby. One day with no advanced warning, her H announced he was done with the M and moving out. He did so, then a few months later she received D papers in the mail. She signed them and sent them back and shortly after was D'd. A year and a half later her ex approached her and wanted to reconcile, but she was totally done with him. Most of the WAS stories I've heard in person ended this way, with the WAS expressing interest in reconciling long after the LBS was done with them.

The irony - for me - is that I have moral and religious issues with being "done" with my XW, yet there are so many stories like what you posted, AS. Bollocks!

All the best to you and your W, AS. I will pray for your family and W's procedure.

All the best,

-PM

[subguy]

My W opened a page on "Caring Bridge" to keep everyone updated on her status. I posted a message of encouragement to her and was reading through the other posts and found this one from MIL:

"Have everything set up here to be taken care of while I am with you after the surgery. Hope everything goes as scheduled. Talked to (D18) and we have agreed that between me, her, (D16) and (S10) we can handle whatever comes up next week so you can concentrate on your recovery."

Now I've talked about this much earlier in my thread, but probably not in quite a while- I am the kind of person who is always there to help others. If you have a problem with your car, or need help with something on your house, or just want to talk to someone I am "that" guy. I've done tons of volunteer work, mostly with Hearts and Hammers and Habitat for Humanity. I live 5 minutes from W. I've told her several times I would be happy to help her out, whether it's laundry, grocery shopping, whatever. Just 2 days ago I noticed her lawn was looking pretty shabby and asked her if she wanted me to take care of it while she's sick (she said no, she wanted D18 to do it). I have done TONS of things for MIL over the years. It just blows my mind that not only W, but apparently MIL now too want me so utterly and completely out of their lives, LOL! I just want to shake them and say "for crying out loud, I'm just offering to help, that's all!!!" I guess they think accepting help is like making a commitment or something. They both know that I have NEVER asked for anything in return because I consider volunteer work to be a higher calling than that. Ugh! It's just really frustrating.

Yes that is extremely frustrating. My wife's car blew the engine about a month after she moved out and I offered her help. Her answer was no thanks i don't want you to throw that sh!t up in my face later. Now I'm not the type to go tit for tat, I don't throw stuff up in people's face if I offer help it's a gift not indentured servitude, she's the one who has a history of that kind of behavior.

So... what can we do?!?! Offer the help when we want to and let them deal with their decisions. You did your part, continue to do the next right thing.

[7720]

"Have everything set up here to be taken care of while I am with you after the surgery. Hope everything goes as scheduled. Talked to (D18) and we have agreed that between me, her, (D16) and (S10) we can handle whatever comes up next week so you can concentrate on your recovery."
I would try not to read too much into this right now...everyone is in an emotional state right now...keep calm. Sounds like they just want to help W...not an affront to you.

[littleGTO]

Hey, AS,

Don't worry about what your MIL posted. You know that you've been there for your family and so does your W. But, b/c of her sitch any kind of help she accepts from you will only throw her further into any guilt she already has.

Stay strong--I know you will!!

[AnotherStander]

Hey all, sorry I've been absent, that will get explained below! Thanks for the comments regarding MIL's comment, I agree that it's nothing to worry about it just irked me so I wanted to vent a bit about it I guess sometimes the IL's allow the fog to extend over them as well.

It's been an interesting week. W did get her BRCA test results back on Tuesday, they were negative (awesome news!) so that greenlighted just doing a lumpectomy. Surgery was scheduled for Wednesday. We had previously decided that I would keep S10 at my house until W got to her house after the surgery and then I would bring him over to see her.

I think I previously posted that on the Thursday before I took the kids to Six Flags. Well someone there gave me a lovely gift, on Saturday I started feeling bad and by Monday I was running crazy fevers and barely walking. I went to the doc Tuesday and had Strep Throat. Obviously I was concerned about being around W on Wednesday, so I explained to her what was going on and said I would give her a wide berth, and would keep my hands disinfected. The doc said I shouldn't be contageous by the time I saw her, but why take chances.

So she had the surgery on Wednesday and everything went great! D16 and S10 were with me and pretty much slept through the whole thing, LOL! D18 was with W (so was OM) and kept me updated via text. They did some work on the lymph nodes under W's armpit and she said she'll never be able to have blood drawn or get an IV anywhere on that arm again because of it. That area has been very sore for her, but otherwise she feels well (but very tired).

Despite being on antibiotics, I felt terrible Wednesday. I did take S10 and D16 by to visit (D18 and OM took W to and fromthe hospital and were there) and we took W a nice "Edible Arrangements" fruit arrangement and had S10 make a card for her that we all signed. W and I talked for quite a while, but I told her I had to run because I was starting to feel poorly again. By the time I got home I was shaking violently from the strep.

W has continued to get better, but I continued to get worse. I went back to the doc on Friday and took my antibiotics with me. I showed the doc a discrepency I had found, the CVS printed label said 1 tab per day while the "factory" label" said 1 per 12 hours. The doc couldn't believe such a blatant mistake happened. So THAT is why I wasn't getting better, they screwed up the label info!

I'm feeling better now, but that few days delay was a huge setback in my recovery. My throat is a disgusting mess, sores all up and down it and inside the Eustachian tubes and even on the roof of my mouth. It's so painful that drinking water brings tears to my eyes. I've lost 14 pounds, I'm that dehydrated. Terrible!

The good news is W is doing quite well. She's going to try and go to work for a while tomorrow. MIL is going to be staying with her starting tomorrow.

This hasn't changed anything in our sitch, but I wasn't expecting it to. We're getting along quite well though.

Now I've got to get this Strep out of my life, I am soooo tired and just not getting hardly anything done. My weight training has ground to a halt and my eating has been almost zero for a week. Ugh!