I agree bug, thought the same thing when I read it. Sounds grueling. Kids aren't clueless, and they learn what they live.
My H sacrificed happiness for a couple of years, and at the risk of mindreading there was probably an element of wanting to keep the kids' family together as well as probably some fear of change and some inertia. He sacrificed so much happiness that it became completely evident that he was finding all his joy, expressing all his personality, having all his fun, outside the house with other people. I sacrificed my happiness too and became frustrated and hurt by how much I was sacrificing and how long our life together seemed to stretch in front of me. I was willing to do it, but my resentment seeped out. H and I bickered and snapped at each other. There was no light in our eyes looking at each other. There was no kissing or hugging, no warmth or interest. My kids were learning that husbands and wives don't touch. They were learning that husbands and wives are adversaries and are irritating to each other. My H seemed to fall into depression and spent our son's 12th or 13th year IN BED in the dark avoiding all of us and playing on his ipad. I doubt that was a conscious choice. If you decide you will do without happiness on purpose, you don't know what your body and your mind will do in response, that you will not choose or have control over.
I think it was arrogant of my H to decide that he didn't need to be happy and he would stay and inflict himself on me with no effort or intention to improve our marriage. I think my willingness to commit my life to tolerating him instead of holding him up as my husband and cherishing him was less noble and principled than rigid and shortsighted. He deserved better, and I deserved better.
One person can create change. One person can't control the other but by becoming different the relationship can't help but be different. It's a shame I learned that way too late for our family, but I'm glad I learned it because I like myself a lot more now.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I think it's worth noting, with all this talk of happiness and sacrifice, that whatever reason you've got your spouse deciding to stay (and be unhappy) for the sake of the kids...is a chance for you to make real change in yourself and possibly change your future together. DB could actually help turn your marriage around.
I think while you're committed to trudging through life together, on your own privately you could take the opportunity to become someone only a fool would leave. Even just the ability to detach yourself from your spouse's words and actions would make a world of difference. I would urge you to DB for your own sake.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Yes you're all right labug. My newborn is going to know his parents are in a mess right now. And he'd have a much better life if mommy does it on her own living in a country she didnt grow up in without support and time from his fathe. Yes that sounds really ideal ...
I'm not going to write anymore bc this is not my thread but I'm not punishing my kid by trying to maintain a friendship with his dad and allowing him to live with us. My H is not punishing our kid by buying us a house and wanting to maintain an active presence in his baby's life. We sold our condo ... I guess according to you guys I should have just found a cramped apartment to rent instead. To ensure "happiness". None of you are judging are going to be there for me as a first time mom. None of you are going to be there for OP when his daughter wonders why she has to shuttle between two houses instead of one.
As I said to the OP I totally understand where you are coming from. I will reiterate that only you can make that call regarding what's best for your child. Children are not to be casualties in our messy marriages hence why you go dim, not dark if you have them. Good luck!!
Me 35 H 34 DS- newborn 8/13 T 8.5 M 7 H's EA - 10/11 INILWY 5/13 DBing 6/13 Don't know WTF to do 1/14
You know my wife's last email to me was like the last breath of a dying person. I was done. There is nothing I can say to change her mind. It was an epiphany. I stopped worrying about her and started to GAL. And yes I used to be a great lover and friend. It came naturally to cherish her every day when we were dating. I just forgot that I'm supposed to do that every day. If I get a 2nd chance I won't let her down. As far as me, I am not in misery and I won't turn back. Because of my daughter I will have a relationship with my wife for the rest of my life. All I can do now is work on me and let what's going to happen happen.
Wife emotionally checked out 2 years ago ILYBNLWY 2/1/2013 M-48, W-40 D-9 Living together in separation for daughter
OK you both are kind of changing what you say as you go, which is really normal. In my early days of my sitch my emotions ran all over the place and I made statements and sort of tried them on and adjusted as I went.
I thought your sig living together unhappily, Hope, a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. I thought 2little feeling so sure he should "sacrifice" himself and live with his w with no indication of working on anything, likewise a self-fulfilling prophecy.
DB doesn't say you both need to work on your marriage or you both need to go pursue happiness elsewhere. DB can't make that happen. DB is what you do all on your own, for yourself. DB says happiness comes from within, regardless of what your spouse is doing. You can get there, and if you can, your spouse may find the space and motivation to change too.
Your words here suggested to me that you feel that's not worth making any effort to do. I'm just saying, you don't know the future. DB gives you something to work on that you actually do control.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I guess that I am not making myself clear. I am working on DB. I bought Dr yesterday. I am re-reading DB and DR and will be strong and apply all of the techniques. I believe my inlaws are aware and are putting pressure on her to work things out. i don't know if this is good or bad but I have no control over my wife and what she wants. I am doing what it take to make "Us" look like her best option. I will work hard every day but only time will tell.
Wife emotionally checked out 2 years ago ILYBNLWY 2/1/2013 M-48, W-40 D-9 Living together in separation for daughter
I guess that I am not making myself clear. I am working on DB. I bought Dr yesterday. I am re-reading DB and DR and will be strong and apply all of the techniques. I believe my inlaws are aware and are putting pressure on her to work things out. i don't know if this is good or bad but I have no control over my wife and what she wants. I am doing what it take to make "Us" look like her best option. I will work hard every day but only time will tell.
Same with me ... My intention to DB is right in my signature (and posts). I just have to put the really hard work on hold a bit until after the birth of my child. Priorities. He's unhappy with me and in a fog. I'm unhappy that we are in this situation and he doesn't want to work on things. But we still we chose the path we feel is best for our sons development and well being.
Best of luck in your situation, keep us posted.
Me 35 H 34 DS- newborn 8/13 T 8.5 M 7 H's EA - 10/11 INILWY 5/13 DBing 6/13 Don't know WTF to do 1/14
Youre doing well in a really hard situation. Its a marathon not a sprint and its a chance to develop personally that a lot of people never get to do. Hang in there and have hope that YOU and your kids will be ok, db'ing helps with that.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Just a curious question. Since my wife and I had our last argument 2 weeks ago she emphatically stated that she was done and would not work on our marriage. I accepted her comments and told her that I was done trying to convince her to work on our marriage. My daughter was away for a week so I followed the 180 rules. She would call me everyday to check in and I was always upbeat and kept the conversation short. My daughter returned home and life was normal. We hung out with my wifes parents. Dinner and normal conversation. I talk to my daughter twice a day and she seems pretty normal. I have dropped 10lbs from exercise. Got a hair cut and look pretty good. Is she coming around this fast or am I reading into it? I won't dare mention our marriage but her attitude towards me is very pleasant. I don't want to screw up what seems like progress by my occasional foot in mouth disease.
Wife emotionally checked out 2 years ago ILYBNLWY 2/1/2013 M-48, W-40 D-9 Living together in separation for daughter
