Questions without answers...am I stuck in place?

[RosaLinda]

oh Dawn, I do see your H's actions as showing progress thru the tunnel. How difficult this must have been for you. I think you handled it so well.

I don't know much but Dawn from the things I've read about MLC, it seems as if your H has come to that part of his MLC journey when he realizes that the affair, spending money, partying, have not made his fears or pain go away. I think he can see now that you were not the cause of his pain, and that in fact, you are his "thread" holding him to sanity. I've read that after replay, comes depression, but have also read that each MLC journey is different. But I can honestly see how a MLCer realizing that the things he or she did to try to ease their pain did not work and in fact only devastated the person who loved them the most, would be totally depressing.

This must be so hard for you, but I think it's really a good sign. Hang in there Dawn Marie. He's going to need a lot of understanding from you to get thru this part. I'm praying for you too.

[albamarie]

from the things I've read about MLC, it seems as if your H has come to that part of his MLC journey when he realizes that the affair, spending money, partying, have not made his fears or pain go away. I think he can see now that you were not the cause of his pain, and that in fact, you are his "thread" holding him to sanity. I've read that after replay, comes depression, but have also read that each MLC journey is different. But I can honestly see how a MLCer realizing that the things he or she did to try to ease their pain did not work and in fact only devastated the person who loved them the most, would be totally depressing

Without getting my hopes up or sounding if I am making excuses, or justifying anything, I do agree.

I read the same thing that's why I was asking others perspective and if it's about that time, and fitting to my sitch. It just may be that realization coming to a head.

The sage advice I get comes from reading others threads and trying to fit it into my sitch.

Thanks for reading, Linda. I'll take the payer, thank you!

[albamarie]

Yesterday 3 guys collectively emailed H about his lack of interest in handling "his" responsibilities for work. They we upset that he doesn't do his own invoices, scheduling, and calls, saying that they all find the time while being good H's and handling everything else in life.

My S22 (same industry) called them saying don't lump me in w my dad, he has my mom do those things because he is not a person who handles life or is a good H. If she didn't do the invoices we wouldn't have the mortgage, don't you guys see he's off, stop pretending he's ok, you have known him forever, what do you see wrong here.

Then S22 said to me that I shouldn't be backing H up, but he gets that H won't handle the business if I don't. S22 wan't me to drop it all and let H fall.

This business is our strongest tie and more important than my feelings, or H's anger, it's our life's $$$. How would I drop out, let the crazy guy take over something I have been managing for 20yrs.

He doesn't even know how to use a computer, or scan, or fax, fill out an invoice, nor does he have time, or the mind anymore to learn. He was a computer science major in college and now he is mush!

I read about depression last night and relationships. A lot of spouses WAW when the illness is not taken care of. I'm doing my part of this~ in sickness and of health

I am feeling my own depression looming, I feel to stuck, and I don't have may happy days of fun, or fulfillment. I think I am past the GAL and more intense decisions need to me made.

[RosaLinda]

Yikes, that's scary Dawn. I hope he does not lose his job due to this MLC inertia. Are you serious when you say that he was a computer science major and is now unable to use a computer? Maybe there is something physically wrong with him, besides jello-MLC-brain.

I'm sorry you feel stuck and depressed. I get like that a lot (a couple of times a day sometimes) and you have to pull yourself out of it. Maybe you should talk to your own doctor, they might be able to give you something light to get you over this hump. I don't think the GAL is supposed to be a stage, it's forever. What do you mean that you need to make more "intense decisions"?

[nero]

Hey hi dawn-

just stopping in for a minute- i didn't read all in depth- caught the quandry about him not coming home- what to do when he shows up-

yeah- this is what i believe i will face in fla- i kind of hate to go & deal with it- i feel like you do- it's such a waste - all of it.

i get the "his journey" thing- where the hell it leaves us besieds feeling like doormats ,e tc. i do not know.

hang on- you're sounding kind of "ok" in spite of this new insanity. you're pretty darn understanding about ita ll- i wonder if i'll hold together as well as you.

i wish i had wisdom to impart- i cannot imagine what to tell you, when i can't imagine how i'll feel & what i'll do and how "calm & together" i will manage to be.

mom is spinning out a bit since i'm leaving sat a.m. have lined up one person to stop by on thurs. pay nurse comes mon wed & fri- and her other two daughters will have to just pitch in and do something (for a change). have paid all her bills up today so aug is okay . haven't done my own- but hey- same old stinking thing- her firsr!!!??/ wonder why???

oh well- HUMOR - she woke me up this morning because she "lost" her new teeth - auuuughhhhhhhhh. ran over - and ta da- there they were - yay in the living room. God help her when i'm gone- between tv not working and teeth bein glost-

i'm outta here. it's 98 degrees already today and i have tons to do- clean & pack up. now that mom is almost done - the amount of crappola "tending" to some old person's life &junk- no, i am not in the least gracious about it.

anyway- sos with me- dread going, dread staying. want to run - as usual. for the moment- still in place. hope you manage okay with your new not-h and this staying away business & dep. Geez dawn, wish i could wisk you away with me and run to England. cool, rainy maybe , good pastry- NO relatives, keeping a pleasant thought for a moment here.

xxoo

[nero]

hey dawn -

are ya there??? are ya okay??? I just got to fla and read your last few posts

I am feeling my own depression looming, I feel to stuck, and I don't have may happy days of fun, or fulfillment. I think I am past the GAL and more intense decisions need to me made.
________________

i feel like this soemtimes too- I feel it is CRUCIAL i take a stand and pick a direction. then i think about my own finances and the liklihood of being very darn poor and worried ABOUT THAT ALL - AND THEN i weigh it- and then i say one more day- (and then so metimes i'm disgusted thinking i'm a real "worm" who is afraid to takwe on the world today)


i wake up in morning and lay there kind of dreading the day- then say- okay, wtf are you going to do- lay there and die???? and then i get up- get going, and that is that.

stop thinking and move. i can't remember feeling "happy" really exactly yet- BUT i can remember i used to and liked it and valued it.

i'm thinkign it will come again to us gals - sometime - someday. i think your sitch is sucking the life out of you. i think ofyou all the time- becasuse we discuss the "in your face" thing - and then the "being gone" thing.

i'm always saying i'm loney & bored all alone- i hate it; then i get with him and his "ennui' is shoved in my face and i hate it- and it's crappy & i think it would be easier to walk away from him when he's here, then when he's not.

what the heck that means or plays out as- i have no idea.

for this one minute i'm in my "don't think- don't need to decide mode".
\
CAN YOU get your brain to that place a bit- i think it might help you. all the good advice in the universe matters, but doesn't matter too. you are on your course here- if i were in your shoes- i would be doing the same darn thing.

that is true. i'd be doing the books and managing the business as i always had. what in the world would it benefit you, family, kids, h or anhyone in the universe for you to drop that particular ball????

it's bad enough you cannot change your h's brain and make him inspired to want to work & do it rite. why would becoming poor as hell benefit anyone (well, one minute before absolutely necessary. that is my own contention here-

when discussing morals and decisions and "the thing to do" according to "them". th is stupid, unseen, unknown societal big brother that dictates what we're all SUPPOSED TO DO in every stupid situation (on a very vdry superficial level - like, tv and movies say so) .

i honestly think it's how people (americans anyway) live. MY POINT- screw that junk. it's all hooey-

you are the guy in your shoes- you are the guy deciding what is best for you-your life, future, family- comfort, roof over head- etc.

tell your little brain to take a rest and decide your part for this moment is to roll along and see what happens- and do your little part as you always have (which seems to be your comfort level and is your tie toboot). if not that? why would you be here anyway and not run away screaming long long ago.

it is depressing- ive thought a million times i'm depressed - then i force myself to go do something- go visit someone- go depress someone else with my lousy attitude - but go do it anyway. sorry for allt eh people i've forced to endure my attitudes and rants- it had to be done to save self.

go find a support group or anyone in the universe. even if it's a casual new friend for r4anting purposes.

if your h is "gloing down" becasue he won't address his problems and do something to get help- you can do something for dawn and not go down that road with him. rant your head off my dear- here and anywhere you can - find friends to listen- get busy doing anything in the univese that gets you out of house - the stupid ole substituting was good good good- getting the heck out. dressing up and the kids notice everything you wear & say & do. it was affirmation that i was still there - somewhere.

go DO IT - don't allow him to suck you down into his little balck mud hole???

okay- you're worrin me man- i'm not saying i've got it all conquered- it's one tiny minute at a time- one tiny step at a time- you sayign to self rite now- this minute- OKAY , LETS GO EAT A SCONE- DRIVE TO MALL- JOIN AN EXERCISE CLASS- BOOK CLUB- ANYTHING AT ALL- GO FIND A PERSON/PEOPLE/ACTIVITY/JOB/

SOMETING FOR YOU. you are all you have . i am all i have.

i think of sister that died (best friend in universe- "irishtwin" - buddy alan - shore house on market- dad dead- mother heading out- h heading out- it's awful to see your entire life drippng away-

BUT - WE'RE ALIVE and since we intend to remain so- we are all we have - rite. and we can do this. we gotta (or give up and be pitiful wrexcks and end it all- who the heck wants to GO THERE??? I'M ASKIN YA???

BESIDES - you hae a swell bunch of kids lookin at you- seeing what you do and how you handle it- i even put on a good & brave face for my neice who is a caring little thing. at any age- we look at our parents and "see how one does things".

if nothing else- we can be brave for the insttruction it provides to kids we love about how life goes and how one handles it.

i'm not pretending my sitch is as scary as yours sounds eomtiems or as big a downer (except for a stinking broken heart is devastating across the board - everyone's are equal) -

i'm sayin- you are dawnie girl andyou can conquer this and you have to (what is more) for you. okay- now that i've blown hot air allover you- i'm wanting to hear "your little voice" - some how- some way- you'll find your way thru

you know what you want and what you are listening to- your gut and your heart. you're makin your best decisions for you at this moment- go with it- it's what you have to do. it would be sooooo nice and convenient in life to just have someone else run ourl ives with our best interests at heart and not have to bother - but it's not likely to happen in this universe.

you have you- you are doing what's rite for you in a scary and unknown sitch.

i'm sayin- go out of that house and remember your dawnness.

wish i was down the street for coffee now - oh well huh??? osmeday we will all have to meet up and put faces on each other . wonder what we'd think of each other in person- wouldn't it be a scream...

me- i'm thinking lots of cake, cookies, potato chips and wine and whining and moaning and laughing like hell because in person it would seem alot funnier- all of it-

take a deep breath- get your butt over this HUMP and carry on.

you are dawn-

we all can do it- honestly

xxoo (((((( dawn)))))))

[RosaLinda]

Hi Nero. Dawn are you ok?

[albamarie]

Hi ladies!

It’s good to hear from you Nero, I don’t like when you go missing, Nero lost in Fl. Thanks for asking Linda, sometimes it gets a little lonely here, you get such great constant feedback on your thread, it was getting depressing for me to come here.

How am I? What does “something more drastic” mean?

Well, I have absolutely had it w H’s comfort in my house, life, world, while he does what he pleases. I have stepped it up a notch and brought some things to light.

I told him it would be best to move out, he needs to work through his sitch w/o me as his witness. I also told him he needs to work thru his allure w EA, get w her or get away, no more “cake eating” or move out and be free to do whatever.

There is only a small window left for him to come back to these kids, S22 is having a baby, S24 is training as an officer, and S26 is moving to AZ in less than a yr, D19 is in L and planning to go away to college.

Life is going on w/o him and he will not fit in “some time down the line” some things you just can’t get back.

He said he might be addicted to EA. I said, well go work that out for yourself. He asked me if I want our R back, I said…no.

I said will you keep EA, he said he has to, I said I want a D. Oh, he said I trapped him into that answer, he wants to be here w me. I said one day it won’t be at all about what he wants, I will get there and I will make my move.

I’m so done living like this, I’m done feeling paralyzed by being M but not a W, not free in my mind to move forward to L, and holding on to my family that is growing up and leaving me alone.

I’m depressed because I’m stuck. He won’t let me go but pushes me away. Holds on to EA, but their R only works as long as he’s M, otherwise he knows it will change the dynamics.

Going dark only gives him the space he craves, and NC helps him need EA more. What is does for me is gives me a break from his sh!t but I’m only human and can only go so far.

He gave me a meaningful hug yesterday while whispering it’s not about you, I can’t explain it. Later that day he rubbed my leg on the couch and had a male reaction, so that allure is in tact, but then again why wouldn’t he be fine, he’s not hurting himself.

I would love a vacation…need a friend. Thanks Nero for the hugs and the great advise. Good to hear from you, it's been a yr w my Nero, I can't go soo long w/o you. I hope you good Linda, I will read up tomorrow.

[Thumpered]

Its brutal I know, wow, do I know, but you sound pretty good actually. You will know when your done, not him.

Throwing ya a big support hug your way.

Stay strong.

[job]

Dawn,
You've been having a difficult time of it and it's time to do a total 180. Now, some will say that Snodderly is off her rocker, but I firmly believe that the time has come to pack a bag for him and sit it at the door. If he asks what the bag is for, tell him that you've had enough and if he's not willing to get some help, then you are going to help him out the door. It's the only way that this boil will fester up and pop. You've tried everything else and nothing appears to be working very well.

Dawn, it's time to take care of you. It's not been a healthy living situation for some time and if you are starting to go down into the dark rabbit hole, then it's time to do something different.

Dawn, you've done everything right and yet he's still wallowing and being wishy washy about the EA. Yes, he's addicted to her and the feelings that he gets by being around her, talking to her, etc. and like most addicts, he won't give her up w/o a fight. In his mind, you'll continue to put up w/this behavior and he's needs to face the reality of his actions and now is the time to do so. You and your family can't continue to live this way for years and years. It's not healthy.

If you would like to communicate off line, please let me know. Your posting sounds like you need a friend to support you through this.