I'm sorry to hear that your W is in another relationship. However, The question you should be asking yourself first is whether it will be a deal breaker for you. Don't answer it immediately but take some time to think over it.
My first reaction was yes. I was angry and I reacted poorly to learning of the EA (now a PA.) I've been told it is too late that there is too much water under the bridge by her parents.
I wish it wasn't. I believe we could get through this. I don't like the idea and I'm hurt from what has happened, but I also believe in marriage and would give it another chance. That said I feel waiting around makes me a doormat and I don't want to be that.
My question is what can I do? Can I attempt to make this work? How can I contact her if we don't talk? How should I without her feeling that I am weak or giving in?
I really don't know if there is anything I can or should do. Part of me feels it would be good to email her, but another part only feels that would make things worse. I just don't know how to proceed and would love the advice of the community.
In the end I realize that I do care for her, I don't like what she has done now and who she is at this moment. I know it all sounds very conflicted because it is. The more I look at it I see she would have to make the first move to show any interest.
However, she is very stubborn as are her parents. They are the type that never really apologize for anything and like to avoid mistakes or problems. Also, I know she views me as a brother and believes we couldn't get past the arguing or the issues with the other guy. I don't know as we never really tried. I believe we could.
Then again who knows anything, there have been so many lies I don't know what is real anymore.
Help me community. Thank you so much for the reply by the way DigDeeper. I really appreciate it.
Thank you everyone else (anotherstander) who has read this thread and to those that have offered advice. Again, I really appreciate it.
together 7+yrs Married 3 Me 33 W 33 no kids BD 9/12 MC 9/12 W leaves MC 10/12 W moves out 11/12 Divorce 2/13 W moves 5/13 NC 05/13 D final 8/13
I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in. I am in it too. It is by far the hardest thing to go through in my life.
There is always hope as long as what has transpired between you can be forgiven, by both of you. This will not happen over night and will take a very long time to work out. Its a marathon, not a sprint. Even if you do everything right from here on out, there is still no guarantee. You need to take care of yourself.
You are in the beginning stages of this and you haven't detached, AT ALL!
YOU MUST DETACH, DETACH, DETACH. GAL, 180, AsIf. EVERYDAY. That old saying comes to mind right now. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was meant to be. You need to let her go and GAL.
Think of it this way. Was being needy, begging and having no self confidence in yourself what attracted her to you when you first started dating. Probably not.
Start being that person she fell in love with when you first started dating. That was the attractive person she fell in love with. Be that guy. If she doesn't come back to you, I can almost guarantee someone else will find YOU attractive and will love YOU for who you are. Not the begging, needy and no confidence person you are being right now. (Sorry for the 2X4 over the head.)
Those qualities are not attractive to most people. They are especially not attractive to the WAS/MLCer. Those qualities will only assure that you situation is prolonged.
Stop being that person. I know it is hard. I struggle with it everyday. Please trust me though, it will get easier. Just start acting AsIf. Get out and GAL, PMA and live by Sandi's 37 rules EVERYDAY.
Get ready to cycle. Cycling is when you think you are moving forward and getting your PMA going. Then something happens and you are reminded of what you had and you down cycle. Example: You have had a good PMA day or week and then POOF, its gone and you are sad and lonely again. Learning to recognize that you are cycling will help you deal with it better. We all do it. It gets easier with time. that is why GAL is so important. It will get your mind off of the negative emotions.
EAT SLEEP AND EXERCISE. If you cant sleep, the rest.
It can be very difficult emotionally for you when you down cycle. Once again, I know from experience. If you have the book DR, read about LRT.
Keep us posted.
Once again, I am sorry you have found yourself here with the rest of us. You are not alone. We are here with you and are going through similar situations.
Trust in DR and Sandi's 37 rules. they will help you get through this. They will make you emotionally stronger, which ever way your R goes. Plan for the worst and hope for the best.
Thank you so much for your advice and support. I know I can't reconnect after reading your post. I am down cycling. I thought I was moving forward but the past two days have been a nightmare. She is in all of my thoughts.
She made her decision to leave while we were seperated she once said, but when we were reunited i know she was into the relationship. We were very physical at first, things went through an ebb and flow. We lost it and regained it. She feels she doesn't love me and that she married her brother and that she wasn't happy. I pushed her further and further away by chasing after her.
At this point it seems that all is lost as we don't talk and she never contacts me. She views me in the worse way. Now she is in another relationship and in another state, how do I even begin to show any 180 progress?
In your experience do people like this ever return and initiate contact again?
Also, how do you detach more. I really want to. GAL and all of that doesn't seem to work when things remind me of her often or if I see something that was a gift or photo I down cycle. Any help would be appreciated.
Thank you and I hope that your relationship improves. Looking at your sig BKS it looks like you are doing it all right so please let me know how I can maybe improve my situation.
together 7+yrs Married 3 Me 33 W 33 no kids BD 9/12 MC 9/12 W leaves MC 10/12 W moves out 11/12 Divorce 2/13 W moves 5/13 NC 05/13 D final 8/13
TLW, trust me when I say, I am not doing it ALL right. I backslide ALL the time. Then I dust myself off and get back to living Sandi's 37 Rules and my GAL, 180's and AsIf's.
Just because my signature looks positive, it is no guarantee that we will be able to reconcile. She is still very negative towards me. She does have better days than others (WAS/MLCers cycle too) but, I still believe that she is done with our M. Time will tell. By lowering my expectations to ZERO, I don't count on her wanting to try to work on our M issues anytime soon.
Also, if you attend a church, ask the priest to recommend a marriage counselor. Go by yourself and start working on yourself. This is for you not your W. If she chooses to go later on, great. You can not force her in anyway to go to MC. She has to want to go on her own. Don't even ask her. You may tell her you are seeing a MC and she is welcome to go with you but that is all you can tell her.
Try treating your M as if it is over and that she will never come back. Then, with that in mind, what would you do differently tomorrow knowing that you are on your own. Once you figure that out, go do it. Start moving forward with your life AsIf she is not coming back. Go out and have some fun, even if you have to fake it at first. It will feel very awkward at first. JUST DO IT! It will feel more natural the more you do it. Like they say, act AsIf your happy, confident with a PMA.
That is how you detach. If she contacts you, follow Sandi's 37 rules on how to interact with her. Know them inside and out so that you can apply them when needed.
Treat yourself well and exercise, eat and sleep. Read DR's LRT. I think that is where you need to be right now. VETs please chime in if I am incorrect on this. When you feel down, recognize it and stop it immediately (Visualize a STOP sign in your mind). As soon as you start feeling that way, stop at the STOP sign and go running, get busy doing something positive. Anything that makes YOU happy.
Don't spend too much time by yourself at first. Hang out with friends and family but, have a PMA around them too. If you have a close friend or relative that you can vent with, do so judiciously. I didn't have anyone to talk to at first and I started going to MC. That is what helped me the most during the first few months.
Keep up the PMA and GAL.
Keep us posted on how you are doing. We are all here for each other. The faster you learn DBing, DR GAL 180 AsIf, the faster you will feel better emotionally. DBing is for you more than for your S. It is to improve yourself not to get your S back. She has to choose to come back all by herself. You cannot control her choices, only your own.
"In your experience do people like this ever return and initiate contact again?"
I have no experience with any of this WAS/MLC. This is a first for most of us. Read HeartsBlessing's thread. It took years before the M was reconciled. But, YES, it can and does happen. Other times it doesn't.
LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS TO ZERO!!!!!
Please give us the stats of your R with S, kids (if any) BD etc in your signature. It will help the Vets and others to relate to your situation better.
Hey BKS thanks again for the advice. I do believe my expectations are at zero right now and I don't even know if I have hope as with what I have stated above.
I know I deserve better, I deserve honesty and love and someone who would communicate and work on things. Someone who also wouldn't cheat. I thought I had that though and I want to believe she could still be that.
Only thing for certain is she doesn't want me in her life.
Half of me wants to reach out and apologize for pressuring her into staying into the marriage, for chasing etc. The other half is sad it came to this and feels that it might be pointless unless she came back now because how could this be repaired and how could I ever trust her again?
If she comes back later it will be the realization that the grass wasn't greener. That isn't redemption though or seeking to right a wrong, that is attempting to hedge. Is that something I should ever want to take back? That is the only reason why I believe I should fight to save things now. I know it won't work though.
What are your thoughts community? How do you accept someone back to reconcile if they leave later - after the affair. How do you repair that gap? What about your self respect? Her respect for you?
Regarding Stats: We were separated because of work for about a year and we handled it horribly as we didn't communicate or take care of each other. When she returned we had ups and downs and then the BD.
We went to MC and it was tough, it was good for a while. She even eventually admitted to an EA although she backslide and at first argued with the MC that it wasn't one. When she went to visit her parents she told them but they didn't feel it was one. By her return she was telling me that I was wrong and the therapist was wrong even though she wrote that she wanted to be with this guy, had feelings, and even loved him. She said she didn't want me to confront him when I first found out because I might ruin it. She even lied about the name. She is now with this guy....
together 7+yrs Married 3 Me 33 W 33 no kids BD 9/12 MC 9/12 W leaves MC 10/12 W moves out 11/12 Divorce 2/13 W moves 5/13
together 7+yrs Married 3 Me 33 W 33 no kids BD 9/12 MC 9/12 W leaves MC 10/12 W moves out 11/12 Divorce 2/13 W moves 5/13 NC 05/13 D final 8/13
