Just numb today. Took a walk the mile or so round trip to Stewart's convenience store, which is the only place in walking distance, to get some provisions, since once again, just when I was really going to focus on finding a new (old) car, I got the wind knocked out of me again.
It had finally cooled down below 90 for 1st time in a week, and there was a breeze. I enjoyed the walk a bit. I hadn't been farther than the mailbox during the entire hot, muggy week! (Work from home, live in the sticks, currently have no car). Really makes GAL activity. Especially since my only non-online friends and family live 100s of miles away. Enough of the pity party though.
After the email meltdown today, I unfriended W on FB, immediately regretted it and sent a new friend request. Geez. but, it was bugging me that I couldn't stop checking - FB is like a personal stalking/snooping service. Last week I had suspended my account, but that just worried friends and family. :-(
There should be a forum just for Facebook related DB issues. :-/
She makes me question myself, and wonder if I'm just an a-hole who can't stand to let her go so she can be happy. Since I couldn't stick to DBing for the last 6 years, do I just want her around so I can keep us both miserable? My counselor wants to spend time delving into my past looking for answers to my anger and unhappiness. I don't think they are all that hidden or deeply buried. But real behavioral change is as hard as losing weight, quitting smoking, or stopping drinking. It takes continuous effort, and support. I don't want to be the husband or even the person I've been, but I also don't want to just give up and say that D is the best thing, either. I know there is a broad spectrum in between, but it doesn't seem like it when I'm repeatedly told that I'm verbally abusive (a term she used to describe her now departed mother - she actually made a direct comparison by saying "how do you think that makes me feel after my mother?").
Journaling like crazy, here, but I just remembered something. On more than one occasion, when I threatened to leave in the heat of the moment, she threatened to kill herself. But I'm expected to consent to D with no drama - which for her means I must simply agree and sign the papers. The only difference being her circumstances are better right now - weight loss, OM, the new house, the car, and a full-time job - so no need for her to be dramatic. <sigh>
She had said a while back that we could sell the new house if I didn't want her in it. Having a hard time not digging up that email and replying that this would be the only fair thing to do. But this would be quite a hardship for her, and would pretty much enrage her. I think deep down my motivation would be just keeping OM from what was my DIY dream project and the new start for the W and I. This is something we've tried and failed at multiple times, trying to find our dream home. I realize I'm all over the place, but I'm still realing from yesterday morning and can't stop the thoughts racing through my mind.
Falling down again.... Really would like some wise analysys, but be kind. I'm hurting today. :-(
I panicked because I couldn't face just talking about D and stuff. I felt like I had to send that one email that states what I desire so....
Because she always says our marriage was a formality, I said we can undo it, and that I hoped in the future she could see things differently (paraphrasing myself).
I made the mistake of saying some things about the OM and that I didn't really think they had so much in common. I know thatwas a mistake, and her response was just that I wouldn't know because I now nothing about him.
She said if things don't work out with OM she thinks she'd rather be alone, and said my problem is that I'm afraid to be alone.
I just replied that she's never been alone, which is true. She's never been without somone to help take care of things. She went from home, to the Air Force, marriage to me, and then twice leaving me for greener pastures.
Wow. This has become quite a learning experience. W emailed me that she thinks I don't think that her and OM really have that much in common because I'm a college educated snob and he has a blue collar job with the state.
Here's the interesting thing. This is total redirection. One of our issues over the years has been her attitude that she's superior to others because of her education. I've always adhered to the notion that I feel like a blue collar guy trapped in a white collar world. I enjoyed college, and it's allowed me to make good money in the tech industry (but not avoid huge debt, LOL). She actually said "his job can't be outsourced to Indians" - like I tout that as a plus for my job? This might indicate how much my worry over that possibility caused a lot of stress in our relationship though. The work from home thing was very stressful during the long periods when she was unemployed and also at home, and I shared too many of my frustrations. I told her I have great respect for people who work with there hands or work there way up in a career. And she knows all this, anyway.
Anyway, I think she's clearly trying to convince herself here, not me. It's bizarre that she can apply that snob label to me.
And one last thing I told her... I never doubted that OM is a good guy. And I said that's all I'll say about that. Because, honestly, I have no reason to believe he isn't a nice guy. Doesn't make me feel better. But I just don't see them having much in common still. Clearly that was a hot-button issue.
Well, GAL is extremely difficult since I live in the sticks, work from home, have no car at the moment and no friends or family near by. But, when I can, I walk. Thats my exercise and meditation time rolled into one. When I manage to find a car I can add some more activities.
Yes, I've definately tried to NOT discuss OM and in my head I know this. It was all just too much with the barrage of emails she was sending and I didn't respond to all of it.
The reason I relay it here in detail is because if you read through it you'll see that it is so textbook WAS stuff that I want to share it - good and bad. The reason for that is when I see other people's stories that resonate exactly wiyh mine, I find it to be very helpful and it really helps me to try to remember "don't believe anything she says and only half of what you see."
This experience is like going down a river. I can't circle back to the rapids I just went through, so I'll do my best to learn from them and try to handle the next set better.
And I didn't initiate any of that whole disaster this weekend. There was some stuff I couldn't simply ignore, like talk of D and legal stuff, but it did go off the rails, for sure. Thanks for the input.
