My Story - Need Help... Is there hope?

[truelovewaits]

In short, I did everything wrong and really drew out our process. I argued, begged, reasoned, etc. Story in brief below.
My wife of 3 years left in December. We were together for over 7 years and lived together the majority of that time. We've been through a lot together and were truly best friends and I believe that we truly loved each other deeply. Things went bad a few years ago in our lives but I never knew anything was bad in our relationship. Because of financial issues and a choice after one hell of a hurricane we decided to move back to live with her folks. There I worked to get a job but was unable to as I was constantly told I was over qualified. We lived there for about a year. During that year we really didn't fight and I tried to provide in anyway I could, we struggled and we never really did anything romantic as we were trying to get back on our feet. I put on a lot of weight while I was there and I believe my wife lost attraction to me during that time although she didn't show it directly as we were still very intimate.
On her suggestion I left the state to look for work and went to stay with friends. Sleeping on couches, the time difference and other factors lead to a severe lack of communication. We rarely spoke and when she came out to visit she was distant, the intimacy wasn't there and she even said she felt that our connection was weaning. Shortly after I was offered an amazing job. I took the job and she moved out here. We were great the first few weeks, everything was amazing. Our passion was stronger than ever. Things began though to fade as we had a lot of outside problems interfering such as the new job, finances, and our living situation. We began to fight and she was distant. This lead to more fighting. Eventually she asked that she needed sometime. We separated for a minute and everyone we knew was shocked. She gave me the I love you but am not in love with you line. Turns out she was seeing another man who she had an emotional affair with back home. At the time she confessed this she also then changed her story and even had her parents call to explain her new story. I listened to the parents and chalked it up to a miscommunication.
A few weeks later she returned and we went to therapy. We were told we should spend more time together and that the distance as well as not living with each other had taken toll on our relationship. She went back home for the holidays and I stayed to work. She was suppose to come back early and I called to ask about that. A fight broke out as it was first about money, but when I said I would send her the money that wasn't the issue. We fought for days, it was horrible. She seemed to bring up every fight we had ever had in the almost eight years we had been together, things long past. I tried to reason with her and thought I had as she had said when she returned we would work on things and had suggested some fun things to do. When she returned I was working late, I came home and she was asleep but had been distant all day through text messages. I wanted to talk about everything so I woke her up. This lead to a fight and she moved out.
At first there could have been hope but I handled everything wrong. I mean I just didn't know I didn't read DB, I actually read a Dr. Phil book and tried to do everything in that book (none of it worked.) I agreed with everything and took responsibility for everything. Then though I found on her laptop that she was still in communication with the other guy. A friend said he thought he saw them back home while she was away. We'd speak, but it was mainly arguments as I couldn't get past the lying and the other guy. We quickly fell into a dance that involved arguing about trust, or me begging for her to take her back. This pushed her further and further away to the point that we filed for divorce. She denied having the affair as well and had her parents get involved. That story eventually changed and is now that she was questioning the marriage while we were gone before she met the guy but the guy isn't the reason and there is nothing wrong with the affair as our relationship was broken.
During our fights I did everything wrong. I really did. I begged, I argued, I yelled. I never really name called out side of questioning her character and calling her a liar. I did once say some really bad things but that was after I found out that she was seeing the other guy behind my back. When she admitted to it she didn't see the big deal and tried to play it off as if it wasn't anything.
Towards our anniversary she texted me about fond memories but i had just heard from a friend that she was with the guy at a wedding and that they were physically intimate. I argued more with her and she denied being with the guy. I saw a photo so I know what is happening. I wrote her a letter saying that we should try again, listing what I thought was wrong and that we can try again and start over but only if there is trust and respect. If not I said we would just have to move on with our lives. Shortly after that I spoke with her father who felt he'd talk to her as he felt we should try again. I agreed. He called me later saying that she didn't want to. We spoke for a while until he told me that they knew about her feeling distant while we were separated and they knew about the guy but he was just a friend she tells them. We got into an argument as I was hurt that he had lied to me and that he could have possibly helped things. Anyway, I was emotional and angry and just made more mistakes. I didn't handle any of this well. At the time I thought of her every second of the day it seemed. Now she is in my thoughts often but the emotional toll isn't as severe. It has been several months since i sent that the note and spoke with her father. There has been no communication. I'm working on myself and realize I've changed a great deal since just moving out here- this experience has only further helped me to improve myself. I know and told my wife that I was changing when we were together and that I felt I was asleep for a while.
Self improvement and all aside the fact remains that I'd give anything for us to have another chance if it were possible. I know she is involved though with this other guy and that she has now moved back home. We also haven't spoke in months and our divorce papers are done. Is there any hope? Is there anything I can do? She literally turned off all emotion towards me shortly after she moved out. She also felt that we were more like brother and sister she said. She has also been rewriting a lot of our history, but I understand that. I don't care about any of that, I just want to know how to move forward. I want to know how I can get my wife back and if she has the potential to be the wife I loved for so long. This person isn't her. My wife wasn't always honest but was never like this, and I do believe we really did love each other greatly once upon a time. I'm torn as I also know that I can't be treated with such disrespect and lies. I know that I can move on and have dated- I've also found there is a lot of interest in me in the dating community. Still, I also feel that she was my wife and that a relationship of almost 8 years is worth something - worth fighting for. I want her back, but I feel she views me as weak and has lost interest. I feel she is moving on.

[AnotherStander]

Hello and welcome!

In short, I did everything wrong and really drew out our process. I argued, begged, reasoned, etc.

That's OK, many of us started out on the wrong foot. Just don't do that anymore!

She seemed to bring up every fight we had ever had in the almost eight years we had been together, things long past.

This is pretty common, once a WAS decides they are done then they focus on every bad thing that ever happened in the M and magnify it while conveniently forgetting every good thing that ever happened. We call it "rewriting history". This helps them to justify their behavior to themselves and others, they convince themselves the marriage was ALWAYS bad.

I tried to reason with her

You can't reason with a WAS. They are driven by emotions, not logic.

I wanted to talk about everything so I woke her up. This lead to a fight and she moved out.

Read Sandi2's 37 Rules, don't ever initiate these types of conversations!

I wrote her a letter saying that we should try again, listing what I thought was wrong and that we can try again

You CAN'T reason with her!!!

Shortly after that I spoke with her father who felt he'd talk to her as he felt we should try again.

DO NOT enlist the help of family members!! You are applying pressure to her from every direction. That's just going to push her farther away. The way she sees it, you're getting everyone to gang up on her. She sees YOU as the problem, and everything you do is just reinforcing her belief that you are controlling and manipulative. You've got to stop, pull back, give her time and space.

I know and told my wife that I was changing when we were together and that I felt I was asleep for a while.

Don't TELL her you've changed, words mean nothing to her right now because she's heard a lot of hollow promises. You've got to show her your DB'ing through actions, not words.

We also haven't spoke in months and our divorce papers are done. Is there any hope?

There is hope as long as you care to hold it in your heart.

Is there anything I can do?

Read DR, follow the principals. Work on you.

I want to know how I can get my wife back and if she has the potential to be the wife I loved for so long.

No, you'll never have your old W or old M back. That's all gone. You might be able to build a new R with your W some day though. That's the goal. But first you must become the spouse only a fool would leave. Work on YOU. Good luck!

[truelovewaits]

That's OK, many of us started out on the wrong foot. Just don't do that anymore!

Thanks - We don't talk at all anymore. So I don't think that is a problem.


This is pretty common, once a WAS decides they are done then they focus on every bad thing that ever happened in the M and magnify it while conveniently forgetting every good thing that ever happened. We call it "rewriting history". This helps them to justify their behavior to themselves and others, they convince themselves the marriage was ALWAYS bad.

Yeah, she really has rewritten a great deal of our history. She now only sees me as a brother, and well blames me for everything that has gone wrong in her life since we have been together. It hurts. I tried to reason and that did fail. I wish I knew then what I know now...

You can't reason with a WAS. They are driven by emotions, not logic.

Yep.... If only I had a chance to see if we could have reignited our passion, if we could have broken the patterns perhaps the emotions would have changed.


Read Sandi2's 37 Rules, don't ever initiate these types of conversations!

I pretty much did everything wrong here. I really didn't like that she was betraying our marriage and lying to me. I also didn't want our marriage to fail as I loved her. This conflict didn't help. I lost myself there. All I can say is that I blew it.


You CAN'T reason with her!!!

Again, learned that lesson. You are 100% right.

DO NOT enlist the help of family members!! You are applying pressure to her from every direction. That's just going to push her farther away. The way she sees it, you're getting everyone to gang up on her. She sees YOU as the problem, and everything you do is just reinforcing her belief that you are controlling and manipulative. You've got to stop, pull back, give her time and space.

This is so true. I really messed up with that and the way I handled everything. I was trying to save my marriage and at the time it seemed like a good idea. I was grasping at sand as hard as I could.



Don't TELL her you've changed, words mean nothing to her right now because she's heard a lot of hollow promises. You've got to show her your DB'ing through actions, not words.

True. I don't even know how to do that now though.


There is hope as long as you care to hold it in your heart.

Please elaborate on this..



Read DR, follow the principals. Work on you.

I am working on me and have read DR. I think it maybe too late. What can I do? How would I contact her? What would I say? Can I ever trust her again? I don't want to be a second choice to anyone either if it doesn't work out. At the same time I do care for her and believe in marriage. I'm haunted by this conflict.

No, you'll never have your old W or old M back. That's all gone. You might be able to build a new R with your W some day though. That's the goal. But first you must become the spouse only a fool would leave. Work on YOU. Good luck!

I think I am there right now, and really close. I have no way to let her know now. I made every mistake possible. I just wish I had these tools then. I wish I had reacted better and were properly aware of how to handle it. I wonder if it would have made a difference, I believe it would have helped and maybe given a second change. Now it is just me. When you say a new relationship do you mean there is a chance that we can actually be in a romantic relationship again?

I am working on me. I've lost a lot of weight and I'm close to in shape (before all of this happened it was a goal of mine.) I'm thinner now than I was when we first started dating, my goal is to get to my fighting weight. I'm really happy right now, life is amazing. It just isn't as sweet without her. I mean it's like I have everything except her.

The thing is life is good and has been. I'm meeting amazing people, I'm out all of the time with friends both new and old. I'm experiencing life in a way that I can't even explain. I'm doing amazing things.

All of this though leads to moments where I want to share that with her. I will get rewarded at work or honored for an event and a part of me feels incomplete that I'm sharing this with her. I am enjoying meeting new people, but I do find I compare them to her - our friendship and intimacy was exceptional when it was great. In the end it wasn't as strong but it literally was a day to day surprise before we finally split.

Now there is nothing and I'm moving forward I just honestly believe that what we had was special and worth fighting for.

I'd like to know more about your experiences and how should I move forward. I don't know how I would contact her if I could and what i would say. I know she is also very stubborn. I just have to say that I wish I had another shot. I wish she could see things and what was happening to us and how that isn't a factor anymore. I wish she could see how I've changed.

However, I know she doesn't want to and that is all there is to that. It's tragic to realize such things, I know in the end it will pass and just become wisdom. This is one area in life where the experience and wisdom gained is not worth the price...

[truelovewaits]

Today I need help. I really want to make this right and do want to save my marriage. I know that she should be the one to apologize and reach out and that I will only hurt things. I know I am not suppose to do anything, but what do I do. We don't talk, I know she is "in the fog."

Is there anything I can do? I know I shouldn't be the one to initiate contact and that she isn't interested right now, but what if she might be but is too stubborn to call? What if she is thinking about me or us? What if there are other factors or something I can do?

Do I just move on and accept that there is nothing that can be done? Do I contact her? Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks.

[DigDeeper]

Hi truelovewaits,

What are the complains that your W had of you? When did she dropped the bomb on you?

Remember this is a marathon not a sprint. I learned this the hard way. Initially i was impatient and tried everything wrong and it failed.

[truelovewaits]

She dropped the bomb at the end of September, we had a brief reconcile in November but it lasted about two weeks. Since then things only got worse. We don't even talk anymore. She lied to me, involved friends and parents who she either lied to or told half truths. We fought and things got worse. I'd go from fighting about the dishonesty to at times forgiving everything and taking the blame for everything including the EA. Those were the times when I begged. I really messed up and now we don't even speak and she is EA and PA with this new guy and we haven't spoke at all in months and when we last spoke it was an argument with me pleading and reasoning. Every communication via text or email has been more of the same. Now we don't speak at all and it has been several months.

[truelovewaits]

She complained that we were like brother and sister. We went through some rough times but were ok. Not great but ok. We were then separated for about a year in different states because of work. When she returned things were hot and cold. She loved me and then was distant.

I didn't really get answers. She would say I was controlling in the end, which is true as I was trying to save the marriage and listening to the MC who said we needed to spend time together but that isn't what she wanted. I yelled and she felt I had a temper, and I did. However, it wasn't like I got mad at anything, it was when she would lie or flake on plans that we had and blame the excuse with others on me etc. We both yelled. I figure though a lot had to do that she also felt I was weak when things were bad and that I put on a lot of weight then.

Things are really different now but she can't and doesn't see that. I'm not weak and I've lost all of the weight and then some. A lot of changes but none of it matters with respect to her as she doesn't know or care I assume.

I'm getting things right for me, but not a day goes by that I don't wish we just had a chance to work on things.

[truelovewaits]

It seems you and me both failed. Is there any hope? What do we do now?

[truelovewaits]

Last night was really tough for me. I went through some pictures with a friend from her birthday last year. To say the least I was affected by it.

I need advice. I need help community. I don't think she wants to explore anything but there was a time I know she did. I know now she is in another relationship but I don't want to give up. I'd like to know if I contact her and how do I start? I think if we could be in a friendly contact without any discussion of the R or M it would be a good start but I don't know. What are your thoughts?

This roller coaster ride is a tough one.

[truelovewaits]

So if she is done and in another relationship do I have a chance?