OK, really need some insight about WAW, or from a WAW - or even a WAH if you have some insight.
Today was a mixed bag. I did fine in my LRT and DBing, but there was a big snag in the situation.
WHAT SHE DID: My wife had texted this morning asking if she could come visit the cat. I went out to the library because I had a lot of work to do, and figured she'd appreciate the time alone here. I took my DR book, but left my notebook next to my keyboard with the drawer pushed in.
Well, she snooped. She left me a note saying she saw my notebook and she found it creepy and it shows I'm not listening. Then followed more about how EA/OM is such a great guy (Unlike the OM from last time, who she said was a total jerk but she had played it up so I wouldn't think she "was a loser."). How she and this OM have tons in common, talk for hours, etc. But he doesn't take advantage, and takes it SLOW. Never quite uses the L word. Also said his ex was "verbally abusive, like me." She said I should hate her and if someone's in love, they wouldn't be looking somewhere else. No mention of D or further talk about separating finances, etc. or what we need to do about our 2 house situation and me needing a car, etc. (we were supposed to be moving before I hired the wrong painter for the new house - the OM). :-(
Believe me, I do know that I'm responsible in large part for her looking. If I wasn't a work-from-home recluse, I may have been the WAH. That's the only reason I'm not a quivering mass of tears over that (I've had a few breakdowns, but....)
As for my notes, I had only used the DB initials - never mentioned the book or site by name. I doubt she memorized everything in there, but I'm sure DB notes do look a bit creepy to the WAW. I wish to God I'd taken that notebook with me.
So the nagging questions. She has been adamant about me not snooping/stalking, but she obviously snoops every chance she gets. What does she care? Why did she first say "maybe I shouldn't trust her" and now "you should hate me?" If I am so bad, why the guilt?
WHAT I DID: I read the note, felt very sad, and simply texted her "I don't hate you."
I didn't mention the notes. I wanted to defend them, but realized I couldn't. I'm sure she didn't memorize every word. She knows I'm in counseling and should figure they're a part of that - which they are, even if DBing isn't associated with my therapist. I didn't mention all the things we do have in common. I most certainly didn't mention the OM, or the pain of being a LBS, etc. etc.
I'm at a loss. I don't know if I can last beyond the infatuation point of her relationship with this OM. I want to try, but.... I don't know how much I can take. I hate living in this crappy house in the sticks. I have to work here, too, and there's no place to walk safely around here, which is my best GAL activity - it's exercise and meditation all at once. We're in limbo with most of our stuff packed up and the house she's in unfinished. It's all I can do to stay focused and employed.
I have searched and browsed thru the forums and have seen some examples. I couldn't really say anything to her to try to justify my belief that there wasn't anything "kind of creepy" to it, so just didn't mention it at all.
Got thru a difficult software deployment last night for work, then watched Forrest Gump at 1 am after testing was finished for some GAL activity for me.
Going to try to go out to get dinner (and escape two very needy cats for a bit...) and get a good walk in.
I wish you could change titles on these things... or combine stuff or even, heaven forbid, delete. Ah, well. If I do manage to remember that this is where I'm posting, and avoid the litter of all the other posts I had strewn around, I'm stuck with it. That's the IT guy in me speaking. There are some conventions here that are very alien to other forums - pretty much any other forum I've ever seen. But, never mind that. 'tis what 'tis.
Today, trying to remember that time is my friend. Found some good vids of Michelle Weiner Davis on YouTube. It was fun to hear her instead of just reading her stuff.
Just to address something you posted on another thread.
We are all here to help each other. I will be the first to say that there are NEVER any right or wrong ways of doing something. I never say that my way is best and ALL of the posters on here are here for one reason and one reason only. And that is to save marriages.
The issue becomes when you don't agree with what is being posted. That is within your right. However, it is the sarcastic tone that comes across that turns people off. I said that it would be best if you stuck to one thread so others could help you. You blew that off. And now you're trying to get all of your posts straight. Many on here will tell you the same thing. Not just me.
For what it's worth, I see alot of potential in your situation whether you listen to me or others or not. You can save your M and I would be happy if you did with or without my help. From many others whom I've seen go through the EXACT same situation as you, I've seen what they did to save their marriages.
If you've lost hope, I say don't. From what I've seen and learned from others in your situation, saving your marriage is much easier than you may think.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thanks again. Despite my stubbornness, you're still helping me and I appreciate that a lot more than I can say. Thanks for not giving up on me. It raises that question that I saw in DB or DR or somewhere - what box is she putting me in? That's a good place to focus. My arguing, sarcasm, snide comments, etc. are CLEARLY not working for her, or others. I'll try to remember that at my appt with my counselor tomorrow, and in my continuing efforts to change myself for the better.
Today I got an email asking if the car is due for an oil change, and if I'd paid a bill. No mention of the situation or divorce, etc. Just business, so to speak. She did want to change an eye exam we had scheduled for later this week so we don't have to go together. But, given everything else, that's not surprising.
If time is my friend, I took this as a positive interaction overall. I just answered the questions directly, and didn't say anything that would make the situation worse, which is all I have in my power to do.
I'm no vet, so sometimes I find it hard to give advice, but in your case giving her time and space seem like the only way you can really attack this right now, along with working on yourself.
I try to ask people if you could go back in time, and change the things that got you here in the first place, are those the things your working on now? Are you honest/critical of yourself enough to answer your own hard questions. If you cant look in the mirror and be honest about it, she's gonna see right thru it.
Whats Michele say, our spouses know us better that we do. If its not genuine your just wasting your time.
