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A Message from Michele
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Trying my best to make the right decision #2367077
07/13/13 06:49 PM
07/13/13 06:49 PM
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 14
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LimboLove Offline OP
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LimboLove  Offline OP
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Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 14
Hello
Brand new to thid forum. A good friend of mine from another forum suggested I come here. I am.in such a confusing situation. My H wont communicate about us since we've been separated. Only once after I went NC for about 2 months. Now we live day to day as a married couple living separately and im getting pretty fed up. I love him but his learning how to tell me what he feels is a deal breaker for me. He seems to be ok with how things are. He calls me at least 8-9 times a day. If I leave his apt and go home he does whatever it takes to get me back to his apt. We have frequent sex until hbp recently started causing ED . When i try and detach there's a problem...but yet he told me 6 months ago when I asked hom what we were doing and he said he's done. My life is in limbo. I want my marriage, but im also not gonna hang around forever. He cant talk about matters of the heart. He shuts down. Always has. If the marriage is worth saving I want to do just that. If not, I.need to know the indicators of what is telling me to move on. Everyone says his actions show he still loves me and wants to be with me. All I can see is someone being very stubborn and immature.


Me 35/H 34
M 11/T 18
D 22 lives alone
D 17 at home
S 12 at home
Bomb #1 01/13 He moved out
Re: Trying my best to make the right decision [Re: LimboLove] #2367351
07/15/13 01:31 AM
07/15/13 01:31 AM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 851
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SM34 Offline
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SM34  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 851
Can you tell us more about the good times in your marriage?

What do you think caused your husband to start behaving like this? Has he always been like this?

In your sugnature you indicate you are 35 and you have a 22 year old daughter? Is that correct?


Me, H-34 now 38
W-32 now 35
T-13 now 18 years
M-6 now 9
Daughter 3 years now 7
Bomb 11/27/12 - OM
1 year in house separation
Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
Re: Trying my best to make the right decision [Re: SM34] #2367484
07/15/13 02:58 PM
07/15/13 02:58 PM
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 14
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LimboLove Offline OP
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LimboLove  Offline OP
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Yes , my signature is accurate. There have been great times . The finances have dwindled which led us to begin blaming and building all sorts of resentments against one another. I am one who is like the matriarch of my family losing my mom two years ago and being the oldest of three girls. I've always took care of my family both immediate and extended. He began to not like my attention focused on anything outside of him.

We've always been each others backbone on things and this remains true today. We just have not made the move to say we will continue to work on this marriage. We have separate houses..but yet still basicly live together. When I try to go stay at my home he uses every opportunity to get me over to his. It's crazy. He has never been one who can discuss matters of the heart. Things are to just keep moving along and I no longer want to operate that way.

There was a lot of arguing over petty stuff, stone walling, and so on. Then he just up one day and said he was leaving. I'd told him several times before if you are this unhappy just friggin leave, so finally he did.
We went two months dark. I started talking to lawyers. He caught wind of it through his mom and asked that I not do that so early. I advised him that im not going to be one ofc those couples who go years living separately but still married. Well it seems thats where im headed.


Me 35/H 34
M 11/T 18
D 22 lives alone
D 17 at home
S 12 at home
Bomb #1 01/13 He moved out
Re: Trying my best to make the right decision [Re: SM34] #2367487
07/15/13 03:01 PM
07/15/13 03:01 PM
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 14
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LimboLove Offline OP
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LimboLove  Offline OP
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Im some ways he has always been like this. He has always tried at least to compromise with me. I admit, im a tough cookie to deal with. Likewise to him, we always seem to balance and work it out though

I think at this point we know we love and want to be with eaxh other. This time though, he got his own place. Im sure he'sdone the I'm never going back story to his friends and fam (who all want us together) and is ashamed to find and admit that what he has done he is not as happy as he thought he'd be with it.


Me 35/H 34
M 11/T 18
D 22 lives alone
D 17 at home
S 12 at home
Bomb #1 01/13 He moved out
Re: Trying my best to make the right decision [Re: LimboLove] #2367528
07/15/13 04:42 PM
07/15/13 04:42 PM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 477
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KarenR Offline
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Posts: 477
Learning how to compromise so that you both get what you need is a skill that most folks struggle with. If you haven't spoke to one of Michele's coaches, please call for more information. They are experts in helping you get clear on why things have gotten off track and what you can do immediately to interact with your husband in a way that is most likely to bring him closer and not push him any further away. The insights you will get and the direction will be invaluable in saving your marriage. Take care.


Karen, Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
karen@divorcebusting.com

Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting« Coach.
Re: Trying my best to make the right decision [Re: KarenR] #2367658
07/15/13 10:51 PM
07/15/13 10:51 PM
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 14
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LimboLove Offline OP
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LimboLove  Offline OP
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I know I can't afford to call. So guess I'll have to miss out on that expert help.


Me 35/H 34
M 11/T 18
D 22 lives alone
D 17 at home
S 12 at home
Bomb #1 01/13 He moved out
Re: Trying my best to make the right decision [Re: LimboLove] #2367726
07/16/13 03:01 AM
07/16/13 03:01 AM
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 243
Western US
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Thumpered Offline
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What are your 180's? Are you doing enough GAL? Do you feel the previous compromises were really compromises or one of you just giving in? what changed this time to make him get his own place?. What would you do differently if you could go back in time to prevent this from happening? And are you working towards those changes for the now?

Re: Trying my best to make the right decision [Re: Thumpered] #2368065
07/17/13 01:24 AM
07/17/13 01:24 AM
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 14
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LimboLove Offline OP
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LimboLove  Offline OP
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My 180's are :
Not reacting to things said that I don't nenecessarily agree with. Pre180 I was volatile

Touching him more . The book 5 love languages taught. me more about his love languages.

Removing myself from performing tasks or matters for relatives and friends that don't directly concern me. Co dependency had me running a uphill marathon for any and everybody

That's it for the most part .
I don't know what GAL is....yet

Some was compromising some was giving in.
What changed this time with him getting his own place was me repeatedly telling him to leave if he's that unhappy. Finally he did. His family picked at him kinda saying he'd be right back home. So after staying with his family for a short while he got an apt.

The one thing i'd change if I could go back , would be reacting. I have a very strong personality unlike him. He's no wimp; but he's not verbal at all about matters of the heart. They are few and far between. So in a very heated argument. I'd pretty much always win. If I didn't or felt I didn't I would stonewall until did or said something to make me stop it. All bright on by my depression, grief, and past and present hurts that I want dealing with well. Of course he did lots to set me off. This is my admission of where I failed us.


Me 35/H 34
M 11/T 18
D 22 lives alone
D 17 at home
S 12 at home
Bomb #1 01/13 He moved out
Re: Trying my best to make the right decision [Re: LimboLove] #2368343
07/17/13 08:45 PM
07/17/13 08:45 PM
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 22
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catperson Offline
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Touching him more is not a 180. A 180 is distancing yourself from him, making yourself unavailable...so he will stop eating cake.

Why should he move home? He gets to live single and have you come over and 'service' him whenever he says so.

Re: Trying my best to make the right decision [Re: LimboLove] #2368431
07/18/13 03:44 AM
07/18/13 03:44 AM
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 243
Western US
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Thumpered Offline
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Thumpered  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2013
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So is it reacting or is it compromising that's the problem? you admit that you pretty much always win, that's not a compromise.

Do you listen and validate his issues or argue till theres a winner, which is usually you? Have you ever just listened to what he wanted and let it go at that? Most people would call that control issues, you have to win so you can control the situation. Is this something your working on? or just something you've finally admitted too?

GAL= Get a life, one outside your marriage, the gym, going for a walk or run, going out with friends, picking up or starting a hobby.

What did you do to give in before?

I hope you don't throw the D word around like you were telling him before to just move out, or he might just take you up on it too. Take that word out of your vocabulary for now.

If he does things that set you off, you need to say "that really hurts my feelings, and in the past I didn't handle it well, but its something im working on." Don't put blame on him for doing it, just let him know it bothers you, and you think you can both can handle it differently. He does it cause he knows it gets to you.

The 5LL book is great, but in your situation how does he respond to you touching him? If its something he recoils from then stop or risk pushing him away further. I think he needs to see some of your actions, that he deems threats, to stop, and build some trust with you that you wont throw it at him like that again.

IMO, you say you wont wait around forever, and im not telling you too. BUT, what you don't understand is theres still issues your going to have to address, or your just gonna take them into your next relationship as well. So why not, if you want to save your marriage, work on them now.

His emotional withdraw might be from some childhood issues, but you admit your a tough cookie. Maybe the way you approach issues needs to change so that he'll feel more comfortable being able to talk to you about the problems. You need to listen and validate, not stonewall, rugsweep, and tear into what he has to say.

And finally, patience, the mother of all anxiety. You cant put a time frame on a resolution, you cant make changes just cause you think it MIGHT bring him back. You need to make these changes cause you know they're problems and need to be addressed.

I hope some vets chime in here soon, and give you some better advice. Know that your not alone, know we all want your marriage fixed. That its gonna take some time and lots of patience. Be positive and don't get down when having a bad day.
Get out and GAL, take care of yourself with proper eating/diet and a good nights sleep.

Good luck

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