I've seen you post on several other people's threads on here so I thought I would check out your story. All I can say is, wow, you are a very strong person! I am very sorry to hear about your W's cancer and confirmation of the OM. That had to sting. You are a really good person for being there for her during all this and remaining friendly even after everything that has happened. Sending you and your family good vibes and best of luck!
Me: 27 H: 27 Together: 11, M: 3 S 2 BD: 06/24/13 Living together H: EA - unknown current status Read: DB, 5LL (slowly reading DR) Back and forth we go...
Wow, so much in the past few posts, AS. It's wonderful that you have peace in the end of your M and that you and your wife will have a friendship. You truly are a DB sucess story!!!!!!!!!!!!
That is really unusual behavior for my dog, she must have REALLY wanted that cake!! And thanks
SP, thank you for the thoughts and I'm sorry to hear your W is going through difficulties too!
Originally Posted By: suckerpunch
I never thought in a million years that I would want to be friends with my wife, after OM was in the picture. But like you, I am starting to see that my love and concern for her is unconditional.
Awesome, that's fantastic to hear! When you get yourself to a place where you can be friends with W whether OM is in the picture or not and OM doesn't affect your PMA then you're well down the path of healing.
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Actually, our sitches have a TON of similarities. the list is long. You are an inspiration to me, AS. I have a wealth of admiration for you.
We've walked the same road for sure And thank you for the kind comments
Originally Posted By: shouldistillhope
I don't know your beliefs in God, but it might be his way of saying "ok buddy, i will look out for her from up here, but this is your chance to look out for her from down there."
I'm definitely a believer although I've quit trying to figure out why he lays such difficult challenges in front of me. I've learned through these forums not to mind-read my W, and I've learned from my sitch not to mind-read God
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Do you honestly think OM is going to be there for her when things are at their darkest?
He's a really nice guy and is the type that will do anything for anyone, so yeah, I think he will be there for her throughout. But in what capacity? The thing I don't understand about OM is he is young (35 or so) and he LOVES children. He's divorced from a WAW, they had no kids. I thought for sure he would just remain friends with W since she can't have children anymore. Yet here they are. I really don't get it. My W has a pretty face, but she's gained a lot of weight since our S and she wasn't tiny to start with. She's about to turn 50 and her age is really starting to show. She also has arthritis. And bless her heart, she is going to come out of these treatments looking much older. So I am sure OM will support her throughout, but as a lover? I have my doubts.
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This may be your opportunity to shine for her, and i guarantee you that she will notice and remember just who was there for her after she beats this. It will not go unnoticed and you can be the man she is looking for all along.
Thank you for the advice, and I do plan to do exactly this. But I'm not doing it with the expectations that there will be a loving reconciliation at the end, I don't think it will happen. It doesn't matter though, I love her as a friend and as the mother of my kids and will do anything for her.
Originally Posted By: stilllookingup
That's why I asked earlier if you knew she had already told OM or not.
She did tell him, and told him before me. Because when she told me, she also said that OM had asked her if there was anything he could do for her (I think I mentioned the zipline thing).
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If I remember correctly OM was much younger than your W. I know age shouldn't matter when it comes to relationships but I can't help but to wonder if he's prepared to go through what your W is about to go through.
I have no idea. I've been through it several times and it totally transforms the people that go through it. They come out of it with major battle scars. If you love someone unconditionally you stay by them at such times and afterwards, and you see their beauty throughout, even if they are flat-chested and have no hair. OM himself may not even know if he can handle this. I guess he'll find out.
Originally Posted By: chl0901
All I can say is, wow, you are a very strong person!
Thank you Sometimes I don't feel so strong, I want everyone to know that because I don't want people to read my sitch and think "why can't I be like this?" The answer is you CAN and you WILL! I'm not some model of perfection, I'm no different than anyone else. If I can get here I have full confidence that anyone can
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I am very sorry to hear about your W's cancer and confirmation of the OM. That had to sting.
In one of my threads I talked about the fact that I didn't know if OM was OM or just a friend, and I really struggled with that. It was so hard not to snoop. But then I asked myself, if there is an OM, would I do anything differently? I decided I wouldn't, so at that point I did what it took for me to come to grips with my sitch- I assumed that there was an OM. Whatever crazy thing I could imagine- W and OM having sex in a public park or whatever, yes, it's happening, LOL! So then I went through a short period of grief followed by acceptance. So I came to accept a sexual affair with OM even though I never had the evidence. That was many months ago. So this revelation actually didn't sting much if at all, because I had already assumed it was happening and dealt with the grief.
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You are a really good person for being there for her during all this and remaining friendly even after everything that has happened. Sending you and your family good vibes and best of luck!
Thank you, and thank everyone here for the support, prayers and happy thoughts, I really appreciate it and am truly blessed by it
AS, sorry again to hear about all you have on your plate at the current time - sounds like you are handling it in a fantastic manner!!
You are an inspiration and role model to all here!
AS and SP, sounds like you are both in great places in regards to your relationship w/W. Agree that being there seems to indicate that a great amount of progress has occurred but man does it same hard to get there!
I myself am not there yet but still a work in progress.
Stay strong!
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Awesome, that's fantastic to hear! When you get yourself to a place where you can be friends with W whether OM is in the picture or not and OM doesn't affect your PMA then you're well down the path of healing.
While there is no OW in my sitch, I haven't not gotten myself to a point where I think I would be ok to see H with OW. You sound at peace and I hope that I can get there one day.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
I'm definitely a believer although I've quit trying to figure out why he lays such difficult challenges in front of me. I've learned through these forums not to mind-read my W, and I've learned from my sitch not to mind-read God
I believe one of the AlAnon sayings (or at least one I've learned in my group) is let go and let God. This is such a good attitude for you during this time.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
I do plan to do exactly this. But I'm not doing it with the expectations that there will be a loving reconciliation at the end, I don't think it will happen. It doesn't matter though, I love her as a friend and as the mother of my kids and will do anything for her.
This is another great outlook that you have. Having been down a similar road not too long ago, I believe you will be at peace with this attitude. I can assure you that I could have won a wife of the year award through the surgeries, and I continue to fight the financial war with the medical providers and insurance companies. No R over here. H continues his flirty stuff with other women (none with me), but has lowered the age of the targets and now is making FB posts about how awesome female friends look (this is new). You cannot be hurt no matter the outcome with your outlook.
Seeing your story does give me some hope that one day I will get to the same place and that I can be PMA no matter what is going on in H's life. I'm doing better but still have more work to do.
I pray that you can remain strong for your kids through all of this.
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
I know it is still hard and some of the emotions that you thought were in the past can be brought up again after all this..but you now have more tools to deal with it...just a thought about the OM, I am sure he is a nice guy but you are right that it will be different when it is finally over with you and W and that might be a uncomfortable for him..just human nature, there won't be the mystery and all....but that is not your concern now and that is wasted time and thoughts...when I get down about my sitch I make the most of the time I have with my kids and love them as much as I can; my W is jealous of the bond I have developed with them. Take it eaaasy these next couple of weeks.......and be good to yourself...
W sent me some texts venting about how aggravated she is with all the doctor visits and such. She was supposed to have one next Monday and called them to ask why, they said they wanted to talk to her and she responded that she's sick and tired of talking about it and doesn't want to come in again until her BRCA results are in and then she canceled it. I did the DB'ing thing, told her I was sorry and it sounded very frustrating and I understood why she felt that way. She vented some more and I validated some more. W thinks she's OK with this but I think the stress is building in her like a pressure cooker. She seemed to calm down by the end of the exchange though, we joked around a bit about how she needed a margarita
Originally Posted By: SemperFi00
Agree that being there seems to indicate that a great amount of progress has occurred but man does it seem hard to get there!
I think the hardest thing for most of us is to just let go of things and quit trying so darned hard to fix them. I think that was when I finally started seeing progress- it was when I stopped trying to make progress, LOL!
Originally Posted By: hopefulinga
While there is no OW in my sitch, I haven't not gotten myself to a point where I think I would be ok to see H with OW.
I told my W early on that I wanted her to be happy and that if leaving me was what would make her happy then I supported that. But at the time they were just words I had read, I really wanted ME to be happy. At some point though, I really did decide I wanted W to be happy no matter what that meant. I had to accept that I could be happy without her first though. So now I'm there, and if OM makes her happy then I am glad for her. I don't harbor any ill feelings towards him. I'm certainly not saying that everyone needs to be like that (OK with seeing their spouse with OP) though.
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I can assure you that I could have won a wife of the year award through the surgeries, and I continue to fight the financial war with the medical providers and insurance companies. No R over here. H continues his flirty stuff with other women (none with me), but has lowered the age of the targets and now is making FB posts about how awesome female friends look (this is new). You cannot be hurt no matter the outcome with your outlook.
You are a true saint for doing what you did for a person that surely doesn't seem to deserve it. I'm sure as a believer that you know your rewards will come though
Originally Posted By: 7720
I know it is still hard and some of the emotions that you thought were in the past can be brought up again after all this..
So far I feel quite detached from it. It hasn't brought up any emotional cycling in me. Maybe that will change once W is into the treatment phase, but I'm not in love with her anymore and so far it feels much like it did when my dad and grandmother went through it, I care and I want to be there for support but I don't feel deeply affected myself, it's more of just having compassion for the person going through it if that makes sense.
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just a thought about the OM, I am sure he is a nice guy but you are right that it will be different when it is finally over with you and W and that might be a uncomfortable for him..just human nature, there won't be the mystery and all....
Could be, who knows. I certainly don't want W to consider reconciling because I've suddenly become her only option though.
W sent me some texts venting about how aggravated she is with all the doctor visits and such. She was supposed to have one next Monday and called them to ask why, they said they wanted to talk to her and she responded that she's sick and tired of talking about it and doesn't want to come in again until her BRCA results are in and then she canceled it. I did the DB'ing thing, told her I was sorry and it sounded very frustrating and I understood why she felt that way. She vented some more and I validated some more. W thinks she's OK with this but I think the stress is building in her like a pressure cooker. She seemed to calm down by the end of the exchange though, we joked around a bit about how she needed a margarita
Interesting she texts you to vent. Sorry! not mind-reading but that was my first impression. Good job validating her feelings
M37 H36 M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist 7/12:H broke down 10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after 1/13:H wants to leave 2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving 3/13: S begins
So far I feel quite detached from it. It hasn't brought up any emotional cycling in me. Maybe that will change once W is into the treatment phase, but I'm not in love with her anymore
AS, when did you come to this realization that you are not in love with her anymore? Would you still want her back? Why do you continue DB?
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
No new medical news with W, she won't get the BRCA results back for a week. Surgery is scheduled for a couple of weeks from now. The BRCA test will determine what surgery she proceeds with.
I thought I had mentioned this before, but scanning my last few posts I don't see it- W went on vacation with OM. She told me she was going to CA with him, I just wished her well. Our relationship really is "friendly neighbors" these days and this news didn't really have any impact on me one way or the other. I did ask her if she had told the kids just so I would know whether to keep it a secret or not. She said she had not told them and didn't plan on telling them. She left last Wednesday and it turns out she did tell the girls before she left.
W got back yesterday and stopped by my house and hung out there quite a while. She said they did a wine-tasting thing which she hated, they also zip-lined (at her request) and she had a lot of fun with that. Interesting that she chose to do that as the kids and I just did it for the first time on our recent vacation in the Ozarks.
Anyway, I had a lot of fun with the kids while she was gone. We ate out a lot, went and saw a couple of cool movies, went shopping and S10 and I went to Legoland. D16 has been pumping iron with me 3 times a week too, it's been a great bonding experience with her
Had a convo with D16 about our sitch. I can't remember how it got started, but D16 started talking about W and OM and then shut down and said she didn't want to talk about it. I told her that I understood it was painful, but that I thought she should try and open up about it because keeping stuff bottled up inside is what W does and it's never served her well. D16 said she was tired of W not telling her what's going on with OM, she said she wanted to know if they were just friends (as W has always claimed) or if it's something more. She said W would never give her a straight answer. I didn't want to tell D that W is lying, so I just told her that I understood her frustration, but maybe W answers that way because she doesn't know the answer herself. D also said that she didn't know why, but it bothered her more that I might start a relationship than if W does it. I assured her that I had no intentions of getting into a serious R anytime soon. I told her that I would be dating, but would keep that to days that I don't have them.
Originally Posted By: stilllookingup
Interesting she texts you to vent. Sorry! not mind-reading but that was my first impression. Good job validating her feelings
I just think of it as the "friendly neighbor" thing, I'm just someone to talk to.
Originally Posted By: BrightFuture
AS, when did you come to this realization that you are not in love with her anymore?
I think it happened slowly over time, there wasn't a sudden epiphany, just the realization at some point that the "in love" feelings were no longer there. Love is a choice and I could choose to love her again, but I wouldn't consider that unless there was some interest from her. I love her as the woman I spent much of my adult life with and as the mother of my kids. But I'm now in the same "ILYBINILWY" boat that she is.
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Would you still want her back?
Hard to say. Would I be willing to try? Yes, I would do that for my kids. Would it work out? I honestly don't know.
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Why do you continue DB?
For me and those in my life, to make myself the best person I can be for me and for them
Wow..!..my W has Om and she says they are just friends as well but I wonder....D(12) has said the same thing to me...that it does not bother her as much but she definitely does not want to see me with OW. I think you handled it well telling her that you would date but not when they are around. I guess girls are going to be protective of the Dads for a while even more so with WAS...happening...
