Grace, Love, Compassion & Faith - Huge Impact

[Valeska19]

Yes Busting - I know these things... but I'm having trouble moving forward with them.

Truth be told. I have never really been good at being selfish. Even the good kind of selfish. I have been at this for 2 years and I STILL struggle with creating boundaries and choosing me.

I remember the times I chose me in the divorce and how many tears I shed. I remember watching x get angry and say hurtful things. I remember feeling guilty.

Those are hard feelings to go back to... especially to go back to with just the faith that things will work out exactly the way they are supposed to.

Going to my x with these boundaries would be testing her growth. It would be testing my own. I'm not ready.. but want to be.

Kate - Thanks! You know I truly felt like I had let my x go. I forgave and wished for her happiness. That is what she asked for.. so I gave it to her.

But how do you let go when someone is trying to get in? It FEELS like the "letting go" is now pushing away.

Grace - I think a big thing is that I am feeling GUILT. Guilt for wanting to move on. Guilt for not wanting to try any more.

When x and I signed our papers she thanked me for loving her and and apologized for not being able to accept it.

Then what the he!! I am doing here then?? Is her contact her attempt to accept it??

I'm sorry - but that is just not enough for me... it shouldn't be enough for anyone.

Besides loving herself, her allowing others to love her.. is one of the greatest gifts she can give herself. If I'm not that person, so be it...

.. but with my LL being acts of service and time... giving is a huge part of who I am.

I would be more than happy to work through it with her... but I don't serve that purpose in her life.

And her and I are not at a point where we can "just be" in each others lives. At least I'm not.

Does that make sense? I feel like I am starting to ramble.

[specialk]

Hi Val,

I think it's very admirable of you to help your X make amends with others, even if you are hurting. And I think if you were able to feel good about what you did, that should count for something, right?

I like what you said here:

So I let the pendulum of my heart continue to swing. I hope to slows or makes up it's mind soon.

I feel that way about my own situation as well, and how my feelings seem to swing between a whole bunch of different emotions at any given moment. I think it's smart of you to not make any concrete decisions about your situation yet and allow yourself time to have the pendulum naturally swing in whichever direction is best for you. One day at a time, right?

[Valeska19]

Aww thanks specialk.

I do feel good about helping her. I do feel good about being kind to her. It's such a big part of who I am.

What I don't like is continuing to hurt for her. I don't like emotional turmoil that's in my heart...

... and I'm doing my best to not blame her for what is happening within me. I am doing my best to say that I am fearful, that I don't trust her... and that I'm scared that after two years... I STILL have feelings for her.

And deal with all of that... and sit in it... and not "punish" her in some sort of way.

It's pretty crazy when I think about it. This woman has done extremely painful things to me... and here I am.. still double checking my heart to make sure I am doing the loving thing.

It gets even more complicated... with the fact that I am kinda interested in someone else. Granted that this woman is just a friend now.. but there is a connection there.. and one worth exploring for me.

That is scary too.

Good time folks.. Good times. My favorite part is when I check my phone and see txts from both ladies.

[JuneReN]

Good time folks.. Good times. My favorite part is when I check my phone and see txts from both ladies.

*snort*

You made me smile

One time, I was texting H and he obviously was also texting GF.. I got "later chicka, kisses"

Then

"Oops"

NOW I can laugh :))))


When you care Val, you care. Trying to stop the hurt or the love or anything else is like trying to stop the tide..

You admitted that you are not very good at selfish and although I think you have to learn to be a little, maybe you should embrace this wondrous rare thing instead of wishing that the pendulum would stop.

Even though there are far too many of us on this board, I think we are rare species that would love like this. Some people out there, whether they are our spouses, ex spouses or not are going to be damn lucky one day

[specialk]

I think the fact that you were able to put aside your personal feelings and do something generous for her says a lot about the strength of your character. The important thing, of course, is to also remember to take care of yourself too! And if, in the future, she asks you to do something that goes beyond your emotional comfort zone, just know it's okay to put yourself first and tell her no as well.

I think it's perfectly natural to have all these have these conflicting emotions about your X stirring up inside of you and it's really great that you recognize the complexity of it!

Your thread gives me hope that one day I can be strong like you! I always read it when I need some guidance

[keep_going]

Good time folks.. Good times. My favorite part is when I check my phone and see txts from both ladies.

This ^^^^ is because you are an amazing person, so who would not want to text you???

I just wanted to stop by and say hi. Can't wait for the next get-together!

(((((val)))))))

[Valeska19]

Ha ha - KG - you really know how to make a gal feel special!

Journal -

I had off all last week from work. I think this happens on purpose because there are times when I just need to reset myself. Release the stress and open my heart up to the next steps I need to take.

I know learning about boundaries is the next step for me. I am just awful at expressing my wants or when a hurtful word is said. Although I think I have rid myself of expressing in a "victim" like way, I'm now coming across as slightly cold and spiteful.

This is not the first time I have heard this... it's a big part of why I stopped expressing myself... because I HATE it when people think I'm being unloving..

But now I realize that their perspective (although valid) is not MY truth and it's up to them to look at what I am saying and check their own hearts.

Yet - I know there is still growth for me there. I have to teach myself how to speak this new language. Yay to more growing pains.

This all ties in with my x.

I came out of church yesterday with just a peaceful feeling that it's time to reach out to her. And here are my thoughts as to why.

I don't know who my x is. I do believe she is changing and I know that there is much work I need to do to believe in those changes. That there are many fears I need to recognize and face.

It is work that I need to do. It's work that I need to do regardless of x, otherwise I will bring it into new relationships. I already see that happening with the new girl that I am interested in.

But if I want a dynamic to change... I MUST BE THE ONE to change it. And my current relationship with x is a dynamic that no longer works for me.

I go through life with my heart of my sleeve. I'm not afraid to give anyone I care about a hug or send them a random text saying that I'm thinking of them or that I am thankful for how they touch my life.

I'm not afraid to say when I'm struggling or to ask for assistance. I'm not afraid to reach out and give them assistance.

I do this very often...for I believe in doing life with others.. and that God created us to be in community with one another.

The people in my life now have learned to accept and embrace that I.. am just a very emotional person.. To say I'm an open book.. doesn't even compare.

So it makes me very uncomfortable that I have to close my book to my x. That I have to suppress feelings of gratitude or loving thoughts because I am scared that she will run or that it will pressure her.. or that I will get too attached to someone who is not emotionally available.

I do not blame x for the choices she made or continues to make. I understand that we are all human and emotions DO play into our choices. She is taking baby steps towards me.. and that is great. We all have to grow in our time.. in our own way.

I truly believe she is doing NOTHING wrong.....

... but it just doesn't work for me any more. If my x wants to "be there" for me, then I need to "be there" for her. If she feels pressure, then she needs to work through that vs. ME walking on eggshells.

At the same time, I need to be honest with her. That the choices she made to cut me out of her life, forced me to cut her out of mine. And even though there are no hard feelings really... It's hard for me to let her back in.

And even though there is work on my end, when there is that much pain caused.. both parties need to put work into fixing it. That happens with any friendship.

I know this is coming across as a "my way or the high way". It's really not.. or at least I don't think it is.

I just came out of church no longer doubting. Yes - I am not sure why x and I are talking but I know that I need to be myself in all of this.

These last two years have shaped me into the best Val.. and it's time I stop doubting myself and my actions.

I have been stagnant the last 3 months and it's time I move forward. I don't know if x will respond saying yes to meet. I don't know if she will respond positively to my thoughts.....

... and that's okay too. If she is not ready to grow there - there are no hard feelings. The conversation isn't about her "rising up to the challenge" but me expressing how I have changed

And that I need to be the new me.. because I have no doubt that the new me, is the best I've ever been.

... caz being the new me is truly what makes me the happiest.

[subguy]

This is not the first time I have heard this... it's a big part of why I stopped expressing myself... because I HATE it when people think I'm being unloving..

But now I realize that their perspective (although valid) is not MY truth and it's up to them to look at what I am saying and check their own hearts.

Nice realization here... we express our needs in the most loving way we can, it is up to them to let us know if they perceived it differently. Basically check their own hearts and have the nuts to loving express their needs.

Clapping my hands for ya, knock their socks off...

[StubbornDyke]

Lots of good stuff. I'm hung up on the part about being there for each other. Maybe it's just semantics, but if the intention is to be there for someone (i.e. offer support) then the whole point is to do it in a way that works for them. Yes, it has to be something you can live with, too, but if it's perceived as pressure or anything other than support, then it's not what you're intending it to be.

As with love languages, does it make sense to insist that the other person get comfortable hearing the LL that you prefer to speak?

Or maybe it's not about being there for her, but rather being comfortable in yourself when you're with her. More about being there for yourself. That makes perfect sense.

Here's some enticement to check out Pia Mellody's CDs on Boundaries: Enforcing boundaries is largely an internal job. It rarely involves announcements to others. Doesn't that sound easy?

[sweetbabyred]

Saw that you're struggling with boundaries too. For some reason, I have no problem setting boundaries with the entire world, but not with XH. Maybe it's because I thought we were on the same team, with the same goals before so why would I need to set boundaries?

Anyway, I saw on one of my meetup groups over the weekend that the authors of the book Boundaries are doing a live simulcast on Saturday at churches across the country. It's being recorded in Irvine, which I don't think is that far from LA, but with traffic could be a few hours, I guess!

If you're interested you should be able to google it and see if anyplace near you has it. I'm thinking that might be one of my GAL activities this weekend.