Me 32 W 30 Married 11 D10, S6 BD#1 January of 09 OM#1 2005 OM#2 Dec 08 OM#3 March/April of 09 Back together August 09 OM#4 May 13 W moves out June 2013 BD#2 June 21 2013 Filed July 2013 D final in Oct
I'm hurting today. The loss of eleven years is very tangible. I have kept busy but my mind wonders. I would love to give W a piece of my mind. Actually I would love her to feel an iota of the pain I'm feeling right now. I know she is hurting. I don't know. I want a hug from her...I'm rambling I know but these thoughts need to get out. I want relief from this hole in my heart. I want to heal. I want the past three months as a do over.
Me 32 W 30 Married 11 D10, S6 BD#1 January of 09 OM#1 2005 OM#2 Dec 08 OM#3 March/April of 09 Back together August 09 OM#4 May 13 W moves out June 2013 BD#2 June 21 2013 Filed July 2013 D final in Oct
It is going to take time. I don't think you can just shut off the emotions you have. The WAS has had more time to deal with those emotions because they knew what they were doing. You got be blind sided.
One thing that I did, I put a reminder on my calendar and I ask myself how am I doing. Even nearly 5 years later. I know that it his loss, there are much better days ahead for me and for all of us here. Just don't rush it.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Kat, I know I can't rush it but this pain right now it so overwhelming. I can't wait for work tomorrow in the hopes that my mind will be distracted. Just a bad day today.
Me 32 W 30 Married 11 D10, S6 BD#1 January of 09 OM#1 2005 OM#2 Dec 08 OM#3 March/April of 09 Back together August 09 OM#4 May 13 W moves out June 2013 BD#2 June 21 2013 Filed July 2013 D final in Oct
Those 11 years aren't lost. They are a part of you that will always be a part of you. As far as the hole in your heart, believe me you will feel better. I always described it as feeling like there was a knife in my heart.
I went to a yoga camp, because I was hurting so bad and didn't know what to do as I went through the divorce. The third day of the camp, which had us doing a lot of meditation, I felt the knife in my heart was gone. I highly recommend learning to meditate. It is powerful.
I still wish for a hug from my X. And every time I have given him a piece of my mind I have realized it just doesn't matter. He and I see things completely differently.
And as someone once told me: "It's like talking to your dog."
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Weniki, Thank you for your words. Today I feel a ton better. Namely because of work and its distractions. I'm not much on meditation but I am on prayer and I can and have been doing a ton of it. I think I am asking for the wrong thing right now...and will be adjusting my prayers.
The knife in my heart is completely accurate only it feels like three. I am slowly removing them. I just don't want to see her with an OP and have those re-enter my heart. So my healing will need to be slow so I can mend them and be strong for my babies. I worry the most about my daughter because she went through this and remembers the first time, I do not want her to be consumed by anger and loss. She knows I love her mom and that I miss her mom but she doesn't know the whole story, and her understanding of all of it will not be complete. It's a mine field. If W's guilt is a time bomb and if that is true isn't mine also? Or am I dealing with it right now? The sadness of failure is my most constant pang. I don't want my kids to grow up believing that love isn't a real thing and that marriage isn't one of the greatest things they can experience.
I'm reading DR...again though it seems futile but at the same time I know it has a road map to help me become a better person. This is just crazy. Crazy! I will not be crushed by this
Me 32 W 30 Married 11 D10, S6 BD#1 January of 09 OM#1 2005 OM#2 Dec 08 OM#3 March/April of 09 Back together August 09 OM#4 May 13 W moves out June 2013 BD#2 June 21 2013 Filed July 2013 D final in Oct
You might have hit on something about the nature of your prayer.
When I changed mine to the ridiculously simple, my prayer was answered: Please change what is in MY heart.
I got that in spades, and it was humbling. Now whenever I have difficulty communicating with someone, I make this prayer. It absolutely puts me in their shoes and helps me find the words that they can hear from me so we are able to communicate.
Good luck!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Are you that general with what is in your heart or do you get specific?
I just need the holy spirit to grant me wisdom in this confusing time. I need sleep......
Me 32 W 30 Married 11 D10, S6 BD#1 January of 09 OM#1 2005 OM#2 Dec 08 OM#3 March/April of 09 Back together August 09 OM#4 May 13 W moves out June 2013 BD#2 June 21 2013 Filed July 2013 D final in Oct
I wasn't that specific, but if you have something that's weighing on you more than anything else, plug it in! And this is where the Holy Spirit makes divine intervention.
I hope you get some sleep AND peace!
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I'm going to be filing today.....I want to let go of her but she is so deeply rooted right now. I just can't decide if she's a weed or a flower.
Me 32 W 30 Married 11 D10, S6 BD#1 January of 09 OM#1 2005 OM#2 Dec 08 OM#3 March/April of 09 Back together August 09 OM#4 May 13 W moves out June 2013 BD#2 June 21 2013 Filed July 2013 D final in Oct
